Panic

[g0dd3ss13]

I hear what your saying and I admit I am at a loss.
So close, and yet I feel nothing like that. It happened when I got married too. The gown fitter kept saying "does it feel real yet" expecting me to panic and I felt nothing. I love my husband, he is my best friend and so I wasn't nervous at all. UNtil I was ready to turn the corner to walk down the aisle. At that moment I wanted to run. Keep things as they are.

I expect the birth of Samuel [settled on a name when we confirmed it was a boy yesterday] will be much the same. An eerie calm until the the second stage of Labor starts then I will be trying to get out of the hospitol bed and go home to get some sleep. "Stop the birth[train] I want to get off!" "What? I am bringing a life into this world and nothing can stop it? OMG!" A flood of enevitable doubting questions will follow. On the plus side perhaps that will keep my mind off the labor and a sort of stressed out meditation will begin.

[Ombeline]

Samuel is a great name. It was also on my possibility list (because it works in English and French). In the end, my brothers were so delighted when I said we might give our son their middle names, Joseph & Daniel, that it turned into an easy choice.

I'm panicking today, not quite about the arrival of the babies because I still trust that I can keep them in for another month somehow, but about what my OB said last Friday: if this treatment didn't stop the contractions, the next step would be staying at the hospital. Now it seems like all the meds I'm taking and the fact that I have barely left the couch (OK, once in a while I get up to nuke some leftovers for lunch or to take a quick shower and change my clothes) are doing nothing! I'm having more and more contractions. I hope they are not moving stuff around down there because I'm scared like a little kid whose parents are talking about sending him to boarding school or summer camp. I feel extra clingy and needy and anxious, and I don't want to go to the ultrasound tomorrow that I've been looking forward to so much because I'm afraid I'll get sent away to the hospital.

Maybe it's OK to have lots of contractions as long as I'm resting more. Braxton-Hicks don't necessarily affect the cervix, right? Anyway, this is not the moment to be a big baby myself. The hospital is only a block away and maybe I wouldn't have to stay long and if it's to protect the kids, it must be done, period.