Husband Unsupportive - Need Support

[anned82]

I'm sitting here crying as I write this - I don't really know where else to turn and feel very alone.

In June 09 my husband and I made the decision that we would start TTC in Jan 10. He seemed to be on board - we started taking vitamins, planning financially, charting, got our will in order, etc. He said that he was on board. Since I was charting we weren't using an BC and in Aug 09 I thought I was pregnant... it ended up being a false positive.

It was very upsetting for me. Even though I know I wasn't really pregnant for a few days I thought I was. I was so excited to tell my husband when I got the positive result... I waited until that night and had a video camera ready. With tears in my eyes I told him that I took a pregnancy test and it was positive... his answer "oh, that's good". I started crying and then he said I thought I was joking. I explained to him that I wasn't joking and he still really didnt have much of a reaction at all and basically demanded that I go see a doctor to confirm it was really positive. A few days later I took several at home tests and they were negative. I was so upset but my husbands reaction? "Thank God! That was seriously the worst day of my life".

Now, my husband has told me he doesn't want children for another 5 years. I just dont understand - we have been together for 10 years and married for 2.5 years. We are both 28. I dont want to wait another 5 years for children. I have PCOS and possible thyroid issues and have already been told we could have trouble concieving. When we got married we said we would wait 5 years and I'm still willing to do that (I would be 30) but not an additional 5 years from now!

I am so confused and so hurt. I literally feel like everyone I know is pregnant - I'm not even eaggerating ...basically all of our pregnant friends are having babies. This is literally eating me up inside and I'm almost obsessing over it. I get so upset beign around people who are pregnant and kind of jealous (happy for them but wish it was me!)

I certainly would never force anyone to have a baby that wasn't ready but I feel like this is unfair. I'm not getting any younger - I realize I'm not "old".

It doesnt help that we are constantly asked by family and friends about having babies, etc. - I never know what to say because its not like its a mutual decision that we dont have them and I feel like people look at me for answers.

I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. At this point I'm trying to just think about all the things that I can do without kids to try to make this a positive thing but I'm so upset all the time. I cry almost every night (not in front of my husband) but it's so painful.

PLEASE HELP!

[Newmama22]

First of all take a deep breath and calm down. Crying won't help you all that much. I guess the first thing is have you asked your husband why he wants to wait another 5 years? Maybe the thought of being a father is starting to scare him and he reacted badly. I really think this is probably just him saying that he's scared and isn't ready. As for the family and friends I would personally refer them to him, he's the one who doesn't want to go through with it he should be the one to answer the questions..there's no reason for you to bear it all alone. If you have to sit down with him any chance you get and ask him what's going on, why does he want to wait so long to have a family? Whatever he says, if he does say something, be supportive and try to talk it out with him. Assuage any fears he might be having and try to give him some encouragement. Most importantly of all, let him know how you feel. Let him know that his reactions hurt you a lot. If you are to start a family whether it be tomorrow or in 5 years you need to have good communication, because that's what family's are really based on. Good luck.

[chrisgiraffe]

We didn't have our baby until I was 36 and she was 32. I certainly understand your feelings but you have to consider who this is really all about: your baby to be. I'm sure I'm not the first one to tell you that once a baby enters your world everything changes, it's all about them, blah blah blah, etc., etc., etc. Well, I think people say that to scare away new parents. Those things are true but there's more to it. When you get a baby it's the biggest responsibility you can never imagine. If people knew how big a responsibility it was they would probably never get pregnant to start with. But with that responsibility comes love, which makes things easier and harder. Because you'll love your baby so much you'll want to give him/her everything and you quickly find how little you have. It's quite the reality check to see you only have so many hours, so much energy and so much money on any given day when you have something you want to give all that to and more. But the problem your facing, not really a problem the way I see it, is your husband isn't on board. You can't force him to get on board but at the same time you need him on board. Raising a child alone won't just wear you out it will make you resentful and likely to be less of a good caregiver than if you could share the responsibility. Now I said this isn't much of a problem because you have a couple of things going for you. First, you know his true feelings at this time. Second, you haven't just brought a baby into your life with a husband who secretly wasn't ready. You dodged a bullet.

So, you have to move forward. I think the best way to do that is to try to get your husband to explain, honestly and peacefully, what his reservations are. Maybe there's still things he wants to do but hasn't (or never will), maybe he's worried about the changes that come with having a baby or maybe he's worried about things that really won't bother him if he settles down and thinks about it in a rational manner. Either way, you need to find out to see where the possibility of a baby stands. The hardest part is getting this out, in the open and peacefully. Perhaps a way to do this is to take some time together (weekend trip), where you can relax and he feels he can be open.

As for the family and friend baby drama/showcase/parade/etc., don't be jealous, be happy. Anyone who gets a healthy baby is truly blessed. Try to appreciate that you have friends who feel close enough to you to share that joy in their lives. Maybe when their kids are older and talking back at their parents you will be able to share the joy of your own little one with them. Hang in there.

[mreneebud8]

My husband and I were married 5 years when I brought up the discussion of children. He was very reluctant to have children, but agreed that we'd stop taking birth control. After a year went by and I still wasn't pregnant my doctor suggested some fertility treatments. My husband was adamantly against this. After much discussion/arguing he finally told me why he didn't want children. His mother and brother both struggle with depression/anxiety and he was afraid he'd pass that on to children. Once we talked about it he finally came around. It took me 4 years to get pregnant, but I can honestly say that when we finally did he was as happy and excited as I was. Now he is the best dad ever to my son! However, I hinted the other day about wanting another baby and he said he doesn't want any more children. I'm hoping he will come around, but I am like you. I would never want to risk our marriage over this or force him to have more kids if he doesn't want them. Good luck. I hope it all works out for you.