I am at wits end and need advice. My six year old son has a friend in his class that he has been playing with over the last couple of weeks who we thought was a nice child. His friend is a female 6 year and they are in the same class. We met her family and learned that he father abandoned her family and she lives with 2 sisters, (1 10 yr old and the other a teen), her grandfather, her mother and another young lady. Well, one day he asked for her to sleep over and we thought that it would be good to get her away from the crowded apartment and said okay. Everything was going well and then as the night wore on, we put the sleeping bags in front of the TV, put Spongebob on and let them watch it. My oldest son, who is 10, decided to get his sleeping bag out too and watch. About an hour later, I walked out to check on them and my oldest was asleep but my youngest was laying on his back and his friend had her head over my son's and they were locked in a full lip lock. I mean a full, long, non stop, kiss. My son even had his hand on her head as if he were caressing it. I was shocked and yelled for them to stop and it startled them. I broke them up and explained that was not appropriate. I moved them away from each other and went back to my room. I went back to check on them 3 minutes later, this time secretly and i see my son's friends eyes looking towards my room to make sure I wasn't coming in the room and sure enough, there they were again...lip locked. I brought my son into my room and made her stay in the living room. The next morning I had a long talk with both of them again and this time it was very direct. Well, since I knew her mother wasn't home yet, I took them both to the park. As we were walking around, every 5 minutes I had to break them up because they kept walking holding hands much like I hold my wife's hands. After the 3rd time of breaking them up, I called her mother and told her that we needed to bring her home ASAP and that she needed to meet us there. Once I brought her home, I didn't not mention this to her family because I got the impression that if I did, her punishment would not only be severe, but more physical than I may agree with. What advice would someone give me to a: speak to her mother about this? b: how do I approach my son. Before this incident, kissing never came up at all. In fact, when I spoke to him alone, he told me he kissed her because she kept asking him to. c: they are in the same class, would you recommend me informing the teacher? I'm blindsided by this.....
Last edited by michelman; 01-19-2010 at 01:30 AM.
WOW!! I would talk to the parent, BUT dont make it out to be such a big deal due to your fear of excessive punishment. Just say something like " hey I think our kids have a little crush on each other, i found them kissing". Explain you put a stop to it and leave it at that. I would also mention it to the teacher. I think that your talk with him is good enough. However, I would ask him everyday after school if he got kissed again and if he says yes, then have anouther discussion.
WOW a first grader!? Geez they're starting at younger and younger ages aren't they. I hope you get through to them and solve the issue. Luckily I never had to deal with anything like that (and still haven't had to yet...fingers crossed).
You let your kids watch Spongebob?! Wow!
Back to topic:
No need to "allow" them kissing, but holding hands, splitting them up, sending her home... I really think you overreacted. Maybe you taught them that expressing feelings is a very bad thing.
Take it easy, that's what I say.
...and... you asked her mom to pick the girl up, but did not explain? That's not fair.
That's the age when boys and girls are really starting to realize the differences between them. I think that is also a little too old for a boy/girl sleepover. That's not to say that they can't hang out. Take them to the park, take them out for ice cream, but don't leave them by themselves, at night. That is just too tempting for them not to 'experiment.'
And if all else fails, you can always tell your boy that girls have cooties.
If a girl that age is showing such an advance sexual knowledge this is a MAJOR sign of SEXUAL ABUSE. You should not be quiet or embarrassed to report this to a school authority. Being both a survivor of sexual abuse and a counselor to abused children, I notice this as a giant red flag. If you mention in as much detail as you did her about that girl and your son to an authority they will be able to start the necessary investigation to help her. In the case that she just might be imitating what she has seen (unlikely if she was fully making out with your boy) it would be worth the possibility of being wrong. Would you rather be silent and if this poor girl is being sexually abused have her continue to suffer or tell someone and get her help? She might just be imitating but like I said an advance sexual understanding is a red flag for sexual abuse.
I don't think so numr1mom. She isn't trying to be sexual with him, she was trying to kiss him (if the boy was actually telling the truth, he could have easily been trying to get out of trouble..) Also, his son 'even had his hand on her head as if he were caressing it.' That sounds a bit 'advanced' to me, but I'm not thinking he was sexually abused.
I was sexually abused as a child also, and I'm a psychology major so don't take this as I am insulting your knowledge, I just think you should take it easy.
Mother to two beautiful boys!
Benjamin Alexander & Mason Joshua
Kids are learning earlier and earlier, from media, friends, watching the adults around them, and older kids. Both kids have probably seen more than one passionate kiss with the head-caress on TV, and maybe seen a lot of passionate kisses in real life. Curiosity and role-playing are common in grade school. And they are either still in the "playing doctor" or just grew out of it. What comes after difference in genders in Health class? Sex ed.
What do both kids have in common? Ten-year-old siblings and TV sets. When do they start sex ed in most schools? 5th or 6th grade. When do some kids start "dating" (holding hands, kissing and huggin, saying sweet things to each other, etc.)? Around 9-10 years old. I'd say they saw adults doing it on TV, saw older siblings doing it in real life, and maybe saw adults in real life. And they wondered what it was like and tried it out. The fact that it's "forbidden" makes it even more tantalizing. Obviously, at this young age, ignoring it is not th answer, but how do you outlaw the behavior without making it more appealing and making the kids sneakier? By MINIMIZING the importance. Yelling and screaming gives it attention. Punishing and long lectures give it attention, and make kids not want to get caught again but not necessarily not want to do it again. Simply stop them calmly and say "that is stuff for grown-ups, not children. I don't want you doing that because you aren't ready yet." If they ask questions, then answer them honestly but briefly and age-appropriately. That takes the fun out of it and gets rid of their curiosity. For a few years.
I agree that boys and girls having sleep-overs together should end before school begins, too. My daughter stopped sleeping in the same room as her male cousins and friends when she turned three. The youngest male cousin was still two, and most male friends were already three, but not yet four.