Frustrated with DH

[adelek01]

My DH is really frustrating me!! For example, today I was folding laundry in the bedroom and he was standing behind me waiting to go to bed but he keep standing there instead of helping, which would go by faster. Then we had some arguments with the kids and with dishes/chores today. He guess he thinks it's all my responsiblities since I stay home all day. He doesn't think that if he does one chore it would help me out but I have to ask him to do it and then he thinks I'm nagging. I tell him that his laziness and taking responsibilities that he is teaching my kids the same thing. They think they can leave messes and toys all over because "Daddy" does it too. I get tired of picking up after 3 boys!! I tried to talk to him but he gets angry and thinks I'm bossy to him. He sits there and complains about something (dishes/dirty house/etc) but does nothing to solve the problem. Also, he ignores the kids when they are having fights so I have to eventually have to solve it. Everytime he watches TV he has the volume blaring so of course he cant hear the kids or he is trying to ignore them. He doesnt understand I deal with this all the time while he is at work so why can't I have a break every once in a while. Then he wonders why I am also upset and depressed. Any advice!

[mommywarrior]

I read somewhere that because men grew up having to do everything a woman said (their mothers) that once they are married, when we ask them to do something they are taken back to when they were kids. Men are also defensive by nature and in a lot of ways its a great thing! Because we want defensive warriors protecting and providing for us right? BUT it causes problems when we need their help at home. One lady I know actually stopped cleaning so her husband could see how much she actually does. But if you think your husband might not be receptive to that then. What I did, because I kinda went through this too was anytime I caught him doing something, anything no matter how small, I complimented him. Like over the top complimented him. "Oh my gosh thank you so much for putting your dish in the sink!! You are so amazing." And soon he will be able to associate cleaning with feeling good about himself and then he will be more willing to help. Again it takes time especially if he rarely or never does anything. For the TV volume you could be like, "Thank you so much for having the TV at a good volume level! It really helps me be able to think better. You are so awesome!!" And soon he will be turning that volume down on purpose because your compliments make him feel good. I have even done this when my husband wasn't doing what I wanted but pretended like he was. Like if I wanted him to do the dishes I would come down and pretend like there were less dishes in the sink. "Babe you did the dishes! Oh thank you so much that really helped me out. You are so amazing!" He will prolly say, Uh I didn't do them, or he might take credit for it which is hilarious but when he knows he is going to get positive attention like that then he might start doing it.

(warning: slightly graphic but not really.)
Also I am against using sex as a weapon for bad stuff but its also good attention. Like now that my husband does the dishes or does the laundry I tell him that him doing house work turns me on and reward him accordingly. So then he will start to associate his good cleaning with being satisfied.

I don't think this is tricking him into doing house work. It's rewarding him for helping out. Again it won't change things over night but it's something new to try when the asking, pleading and crying isn't working.

[momof2009]

I was in your situation after our 2nd baby was born last year ( our oldest is 3). I am a full time mommy and part time college student graduating next may. After we had our son my hubby started doing the same thing that yours is doing. He works 12 hr shifts from evening to early morning. I was so stressed out, depressed, and agry at him because I would clean the house the night before and come home from school and it would be destroyed. Im talking dishes stacked high, 2 loads of laundry thrown on our bed ready for me (not him) to fold, and I finally asked him for help and he basically told me that he works so i can handle everything else. Well I stopped cleaning up after him, stopped doing his laundry, and quit making his lunch for work. When he asked me why I told him that well our children are not old enough to help out so i dont mind picking up and doing their laundry, but since he was 24 he was old enough to do his own stuff. After that he will put his dishes in the dishwasher, and he mostly helps me with all the chores. It is hard and I didn't want to put my foot down cause i felt guilty since he works that much. In the end though it has helped me tremendously. I hope your situation gets better. As far as "me time" goes I get that at school, sadly.

[mommyd3]

This topic is frustrating!!! Since when does someone who decided to have children WITH you need to be "rewarded" for taking care of them AND the house?! Sometimes people make it seem like staying home is just hanging out or something. Staying home is to be a Mom, which is a HUGE job. If staying home means it's our job to do all the laundry, clean the whole house, make all the meals, etc...where does just taking care of the children come into play? If I had that much to do and didn't expect my DH to do it because he's "Working" all day, I'd be neglecting the time with my children. This isn't 1955 and I'm so tired of hearing "Wow, you're so lucky" if my mom sees my DH bath the kids! HELLO, they aren't just my kids. Sure, back in the day it was expected that if you stayed home the house would be spotless and dinner on the table but that was also just IN GENERAL. That wasn't the description of a stay-at-home MOM. There is no way I will allow my marriage to be dictated that the man brings home the beacon and I do the rest. DH needs to be just as responsible for his children too. Here's my breakdown: He gives 100% while at work, I give 100% while at "work", then it's 50/50 when he comes home. If he's got a time clock, so do I and we both do what needs to be done. By the looks of the amount of infidelity out there, apparently there needs to be a required CLASS for men to go to on how and what it means to be MARRIED and then another class on how to be a Husband when you have kids - not just a "dad". My DH is a great father and a great employee. Can I say he's a great Husband just because he cooks meals sometimes, does laundry sometimes and is great with the kids? NO. He sucks as a husband because I get no romance, very little enjoyment from his company and he's much more concerned about himself than putting his wife first. And last time I checked, the chart DOES SAY your wife comes first.

[harpersmama]

Have to agree with mommyd3 on this one. Although not completely. I do get tired of hearing that I have a great man because he doesn't cheat on me and holds down a good job. He's also great with the kids too and he does some housework and he cooks but sometimes he slips and all my girlfriends say the same thing. "Well you're so lucky to have a great man. You should just let it go." And I say no! Women are supposed to be faithful, clean, cook, take care of the kids, and some work too. We are supposed to be perfect but we are not supposed to expect perfection from our men. That's a ridiculous double standard. My husband learned a long time ago that I will not put up with him not helping me around the house. I do pretty much all the cleaning and if I let it go a day or so I always, always catch it up. I take care of a special needs child and a baby/toddler and I refuse to pick up the dirty clothes that a 31 year old man decides to leave scattered across the house. My rule is if it's not in the hamper, it doesn't get washed. If he doesn't load the dishwasher in the morning and doesn't have a good excuse then he gets it. He understands that everything he does helps me out and I know he wants to help me so he does those jobs. He only really has 2 jobs and I'm not going to praise him like i do my kids when they do something good to get him to do those jobs. He's a grown man, he knows his responsibilities and he does them or he gets snapped at. Plain and simple. I would like to add that we do have a great relationship and this is the only sticking point most of the time. I believe a lot of couples have this same problem. Women tend to do everything when they first get married to prove that they are a good wife and that shoots us in the foot because eventually they take it for granted and after you have kids you have to pull teeth to get some help.

[LydRen606]

I must say I have enjoyed reading these blogs only because I see that I am not alone. I have a husband who is lazy as hell at home, but works to the top of his game at his job (the military). When he comes home, the first thing he does is leaves each article of clothing on the floor, back of the chair, one shoe here, his baret there, jacket on the countertop, etc. It makes me absolutely sick. He refuses to pick stuff up. He leaves food on the plate when done eating and then puts the plate in the sink (if he does that), food spilled on the counter, red koolaid spilled on the floor. I quit doing his laundry and ironing because just as soon as I'd iron his clothes starched real crisp and neat, he would take it off the hanger and fling it on the back of the couch or chair or someplace. Most ungrateful man I have ever seen. Now that I am pregnant, he does not give me or our growing nearly 8 mo. baby (I'm still prego.) attention because sleep is more important to him or enjoying his favorite porn website that I oh so highly disapprove and raise holy hell about. Think I get a leg rub when my ankles are swollen from work... I'd better do it myself. Then he tells me his job is to raise the kid when he gets older so he can teach him something. Hell I'm smart too... both book smart, common sense smart, and quite handy around the yard and with equipment. I change the oil in my mowers, cut down trees with my chainsaw, washed and waxed my 3 vehicles too. I lived alone for 10 years in a house and did quite well. Why in the hell are these men so lazy and contrary? Now he seems to be jealous when the baby stops moving when he places his hand on my belly. Well, I can't help that I talk to our son and rub my belly... our son responds to me quite well. Hopefully he'll get better when the baby's born in 2 mos. but I have my doubts. I quit doing his laundry and ironing; if he goes wrinkled to church like a crumpled piece of paper and I look sharp... oh well. I gave him a bedroom and bathroom separate from ours and the rest of the house; that is his "man cave." If it looks and smells like shi*, oh well, that's HIS room and I don't have to go in there if I don't want to. That helps because he's off limits to mess up the rest of the house. If he dirties anything up in the rest of the house, I let him see me open his "man cave door" and I THROW his stuff in there. If it breaks something when I do that, oh well, the room's a mess anyway. From the looks of his ex-wife's house, I can tell they are used to living in dirt anyway. I'm a classy clean woman, and dirt is a no-no for me. And yes, people have the nerve to tell me... at least you have a good man, he's faithful, not abusive, and stays home. I tell them yeah, but hell he's asleep so I am alone anyway. I work 12 hour shifts too and have 2 college degrees... hey, I bring home plenty of bread too, in fact I make more than him. I say when they act up, we bag all these men up and make them shark bait. Anyone else got suggestions? I know this was long, but it felt great to vent. However, this is nothing I haven't already told him.

[ashleysuttonacr]

I just started reading a book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger called The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. It is eye opening and I am trying to change. It will show you that even though you may be guilty of some of the examples in the book, you can ultimately have a much better marraige and get more from your man by changing some of your own habits. I suggest we all read it.

[Tiffer72]

Thank goodness! Some liberated women here. I can't add much, except that I read the Dr. Laura book cover to cover and it made me ashamed that I have so much as a chrosmosome in common with that woman. Ergh.

[supermomwannabe]

I work full time. My day starts before his and ends after his and I do EVERYTHING from baths to making lunches to picking up and dropping the kids off...I have the same problem. It all started with laundry. He'd put his in the wash just before I was ready to do mine and the kids', literally as soon as I said "I'm doing laundry", and "forget" about it because he knew that eventually I'd have to rotate for him so I could do my own. So after the first 2 years I finally broke down and took my mom's advice. Depending on how desperate I was for clean clothes I'd leave his in the wash or put it still wet in a laundry basket and let it get all moldy and nasty. When he had no clean clothes to wear he'd come asking why I didn't do his laundry and my only response was "why didn't YOU do mine or the kids'?". It's definitely not the best advice but he learned a lesson: I'm not the only one around here that is capable of these things. It's still a daily struggle with most everything though....I could go on about this issue for hours...

[Tammirae]

I so understand any other frustrated moms. I am also a stay at home mom. I do truly LOVE staying home with my lovely daughter. What anyone who does not stay home full time with their child, doesn't understand is we work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, possibly for 18 years! I understand that my husband works 40 hours a week normally and the works ALOT of extra hours so I can stay home. But its a choice we made together. All I would like is not to have to ask for help. If he hears our daughter fussing about something, or she's trying to talk to him, or asking for something, maybe he could help without being asked. Or maybe I could have a bath without someone else trying to play in the water of my bath. Has anyone figured out a solution to this, what sounds like, common problem? If so PLEASE let me know. =