Father Participation

[karenjk12]

Ok, so I'm wondering how all of the fathers are doing during this journey. Mine has never been a fan of pregnant women. He has never understood why people talk about it so much or why they insist on "feeling" the belly of a pregnant woman.

Right now I am 21 weeks and he has yet to feel the baby move. He is more in tune with preparing the nursery, and our lives for the little one. Part of me understands this is just his personality, but part of me wants him to be more involved. He does attend my u/s and asks questions ocassionaly so he knows what's going on...but no interest yet in feeling or talking to my belly.

How about you guys? I am really curious to know how your man is reacting.

[Ombeline]

Karen, my husband was totally detached from the whole pregnancy question at first. It was sure hard on me. In most things, he will go along with whatever makes me happy, but not in this. It took me 4 years of pleading, arguments, subliminal suggestions and finally depressed resignation and silence before he finally agreed to TTC. He just didn't see the interest of it and it scared him. He tried to be comforting after my mc's but I could tell he didn't really get it. He had never been around babies before, certainly never held one, was an only child of older and very cautious parents. His own father had absolutely nothing to do with caring for him as a baby, not a man's role.

I'm happy to say things are now different. It's been getting gradually better and better. Like your husband, he still tends to be more interested in THINGS than in me and the babies--I think it's a guy thing. It's a lot easier for some men to take an indirect approach to fatherhood. He builds furniture, reviews our finances, renovates the apartment and sometimes compares high-tech baby care products on the internet rather than reading parenting books and dreaming with me of our future children's personalities. But he has started taking pictures of my belly each week and worrying about how much protein I'm getting, absolutely insists on coming to every OB visit and asking questions (after always letting me go by myself for miscarriage follow-up and stuff), shows the u/s pictures to his colleagues... He has finally felt the babies kick in the last few days (he was never patient enough before) and he's getting less and less shy about feeling my belly and is even starting to talk to the babies a bit.

I'm sure your husband will have a profound connection with your baby as soon as they meet each other. I guess women have always wished men could feel more of what we feel, emotionally and physically, because they often have no clue and no interest, but a guy who is supportive and loving in his own guy-like way and will take care of his duties as a husband and dad is a rare and precious gift in himself, right?

[Cassagc]

I think that's just the guy's way of being pregnant. My husband is very excited about the baby but to him the pregnancy is just a short term to get there. He's more concerned about ensuring that we can afford Dustin and making sure I'm healthy then he is in bonding with him. We were actually talking about this over the holidays, lol.

I think that part of the difference comes from a woman's natural instinct and the fact that we are physically connected to the baby from day one. All the men are seeing is a hormonally crazy, growing woman...not a baby. Men see what needs to be done to prepare for when they can become hands on. Right now the work is all up to us. My husband says it's intimidating because he can't fix my pains or carry Dustin for me. The only thing he can do is help me eat healthy, take me to the doctor and ensure I have what I need/want.

My husband didn't start touching my belly or talking about the baby until we found out the sex and picked our name. Now he makes sure he kisses Dustin goodnight and then me. Maybe once your baby starts kicking your husband will become more involved as it will be more real to him. In the meantime, let him do all the work he can. At least he wants to help...

[Ombeline]

Just a little aside to Cass because I noticed your signature change--congratulations on the wedding! I wish you a long and happy life together. Seems like you're already off to a great start.

[Cassagc]

Thanks, it was great. We've been planning on getting married for over two years now but with Dustin coming we decided to stop waiting on the Air Force.

[debe94]

My husband has been very active since the beginning. I have one child from a previous marriage, but my husband had never been married or had children. It was hard for me to make the decision to have more children since my son is a teenager. We had long debates about it. I finally agreed to just one more. It only took us one month to get pregnant. My husband was so thrilled. He has been talking to my belly since we found out. He reads, sings and talks to her. Every morning before he leaves for work he kisses me and then my belly. He does the same when he comes home.

We've had our ups and downs with the pregnancy. I moved into the high risk category when I was fourteen weeks, but since they put me on pelvic rest and restrictions things have improved. My husband and son have been the best help in the world. I don't think baby and I would be doing as well if it weren't for them.

[Ombeline]

Debe94, That's really sweet about your husband and son already being so devoted! Mine is getting more comfortable and expressive every day and is starting to do things like kiss "us" all goodbye in the morning, too. I love it. Such a comfort and a relief to have him more involved.
Hang in there, hope all keeps going as well as possible with your baby.

Speaking of father participation: Cass, you must be going nuts to be in a different state from your husband most of the time during your pregnancy! I hope you manage a lot of weekend visits.

[Cassagc]

It's hard having him so far away but we've been dealing with it for two+ years now. We're kinda used to it even though we don't like it. Anytime one of us has a long weekend we get spend it together as well as all holidays (at least twice a month). It also makes for lots of pictures, text messages and phone calls between.