So i have this problem with my soon to be husband....okay he spends a lot of time away from the family..if he is not home drinking and jammin on his ipod or playing video games by himself he is having company over or always stopping by his mothers house...now my problem is I don't knw what to expect him to do....he really doesn't do anything but work...and im not saying thats a bad thing but he could totally do more...when i bring this up to him he just gets defensive and we start fighting....im so lost and am slowly getting depressed his family or should i say his mother had a baby two months after our son and he gets more excited about the things his brother is doing than his on son....i have a feeling his mom pushes this behavior on him...Ugh i just don't know what to do..i work, walk kids to school, bathes, dinner, cleaning, homework anything and everything for my home him and kids and if i don't feel like sticking around for what i feel is nothing special....i dont mean to sound mean but I feel like i can do bad all by myself...please help dads im so lost.....Thank You
Well, I'm not sure if by "soon to be husband" you mean that you've already got everything planned as far as wedding and all that, but if I were you I would definitely make it clear that this situation MUST be dealt with before you get married. If it is not taken care of beforehand, it may make things a lot tougher once you're married. Marriage is something that God created to be holy and taken seriously, and you don't want anything to damage your marriage.
Some thing you may try is to ask him to set aside a time on a certain day each week to spend with you and your son. Try to find something that you both enjoy and start simple. Don't make big expensive plans. Maybe just take your son to the park or go walking or just sit at home together and watch a family movie and cook dinner together. If you don't already, when he comes home, give him a little bit to settle in and talk to him about his day then about your day.
Basically, you don't wanna try to solve it by just sitting down once and debating it until one of you wins. You want to gradually get him more involved in home life while talking just a little bit about it. Just don't talk about it too much.
about what I said in the first paragraph, after you try getting him to spend time with you, if that fails, then make it clear that it must be dealt with.
Last edited by blendad; 10-28-2009 at 10:02 PM.
Make sure you understand that most people do not change existing habits as of a result of getting married at this age.
If there are things you need to work out they should be done long before you tie the knot or else your setting yourself up for misery....
I'd recommend couples counseling to assist in identify the root of the issues for all parties involved. In some cases his current actions may be a symptom and not the cause....
I kno u said u needed a man's advice...but being and and seeing some similar situations. Try the counseling first, but if its not gonna change and its affecting u (and ur child) dont get married atleast until u kno for sure it will be worth it. Once ur married things become alot harder.
thank you all so much for yr replies I will try any and everything...
Girl...his behavior won't change. You will only get more fed up with it and you will be in too deep to get out. Well at least get out easily. Pack up your stuff and leave. If he doesn't realize what he's lost when you are gone then he never will and you didn't lose a thing. You will actually gain your life back and be at peace. Good luck!
I agree, he won't change. If at all possible you should just cut your losses and go. I don't know how attached he is to your son, so how much if any he would fight for him, only you know that. Of course, my sister's ex was the same way and when they first decided to get divorced/separated he kept threatening to take the kids, but while they were working it out he kept telling her she had to take them because he was going to be gone/busy, so it gave him a chance to realize he couldn't do it and she got custody of their two kids anyways. And even now he is rarely around on his weekends, so she still gets them more than she should. Lemonade.
I'm not a man, but I had to reply. DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. I am telling you this because I am married (for 16 years) to a man who acts much the same way---he doesn't drink or anything but he is very self-absorbed and often ignores the children, esp. the older ones. I am telling you that it will cause more problems in the long run if you marry him---you will resent his behavior as will the child/children. My 15-year-old is at the point where she and her dad cannot even have a civil conversation anymore because she resents him so much. He, of course, can't understand why---it's never his fault. Save yourself the trouble and don't marry him unless he matures.
Remember, the both of you are changing in total. Like a caterpillar to a butterfly. Everything you knew before nearly don't apply anymore. You have to start from scratch and rewrite the rules. This has dawned on you first because you are the primary caregiver. It dawns on your husband later because men digest information and stress differently. If they see it as stress, they will react by not reacting and ignoring the stress in order to keep going. If they see it as a technical problem, they will tackle it like a technician. Please keep in mind that the both of you will continue to change even after marriage and definitely after the baby. It's natural so don't expect him to be "fixed" by the time you marry. That's an unrealistic reason not to marry. I suggest instead that 1) you understand the changes that you are experiencing, 2) rewrite the rules and organize your life as efficiently as possible around this new challenge (i.e. different ways to make your life easier), 3) change the way you are addressing things with your hubby.
Techniques to approach your boyfriend/husband to get a positive response:
1) one project at a time and leave the emotional stress out. Start off with an image of the big picture and allow him the ability to give creative input.
2) give him room to put his creative input in, even if it's not perfect or to your liking. this means, let him do it and go to the kitchen. don't criticize. the man brain likes to problem solve and he finds a strong sense of pride being able to solve those problems.
3) praise him for each time he invests himself into the daddy role. the more praise he gets, the more invested he feels, the more protective he becomes of his new paternal role.
One important note you must remember: You will always rule the home as the mom/wife. Accept it. Therefore, if you want something, you have to create a path for it to happen. Therefore, if you want quality time for him to bond with baby, make sure that you feed the baby early enough so that the opportunity is there for them to spend time together in the evening. If he's mowing the lawn in the back yard, take the baby outside and let him/her walk to daddy or play in the grass. Sometimes simply seeing the baby at play creates a bond that will continue to blossom. It's a slow process for men in general and they don't totally bond with a baby until they become more aware and interactive. I've noticed this about most men/fathers. Be patient and create an atmosphere that "can" become more. I understand the frustration since I've been going through it. The most powerful thing that I learned was to embrace my stronger position as the wife/mother. The power is in your hands to cultivate your family culture.
From a Dad, I can tell you there are times when you feel useless when it comes to raising a child. The first few months especially. And to escape that feeling, you fill the void with hanging out with the guys, video games and drinking. But that is only if you don't communicate about what you want to do together. My wife and I really tried to find things that were "Daddy" tasks. They were what I became the expert at. In the first weeks, I was the fastest swaddler on the block. It was my thing. She appreciated that so much. We set schedules where she could take a break and I would comfort the child. It didn't matter how tired she was, or for that matter, how tired I was. It was what I did for US.
freehelena said a lot of great points. I'll be the first to say that women have it built into their DNA to nurture and care for a child. A man needs specific tasks that he can do. ie: Make the bottle, build the nursery furniture, swaddle the baby, make dinner for mom while she is taking care of the baby (or run out and get something to eat if you can't cook!!!), carry the baby in the infant carrier, install the car seat. Just make sure your not telling, but asking. Nobody wants to be told to do anything, but its always nice to be asked, especially when you become the expert and you ask because 1- it gets done faster 2 - its easy for them because they are the expert. (he doesn't need to know that you are just as capable!!!)
As far as your husband spending time with "the boys"... I guess that's partially a phase for many people. If you don't know, find out something that he's really into... I heard a story once about how a husband was really into shooting guns at a shooting range, and always asked his wife to come.. she of course had no desire. so he'd often go with the guys. One day she said yes, and for him, it was one of the best days of his life. he was so excited to show her how everything work, introduce her to all the people that work there, see her excitement at taking part. Its not that she enjoyed it so much, but when they got home that night, he had never been happier.
One thing I was told a few years ago was to give 100% and expect nothing. If you live by that, you start to realize how much people actual do for you, and you don't do things just so you can get something in return.
I hope this gives you some insights or ideas. Good luck, marriage isn't easy, but I couldn't image any other way to live my life!