New Bed Fears

[Mommy2Zowie]

About three weeks ago my darling Zowie needed to be switched to a toddler bed and since then it's been a rocky road in putting her to bed. She'd rather sleep on the couch or the floor in her room. So I lay on the floor with her until she falls asleep, the problem is , is she sometimes doesn't fall asleep till 10pm - 12am. I don't like the idea of having her sleep with us because my sister's daughter just turned 8 and she STILL doesn't sleep in her own bed. I've tried warm milk, I've tried baths, Ive tried rocking her and reading books, she just won't budge. I don't know what to do anymore.

[Zack_Jenn]

You sound very patient and loving, but it may be time to do a little tough love. To get both our kids to transition to the toddler bed we had to just keep putting them back to bed. You do a consistant bedtime routine and then put them to bed, everytime they get out of bed and come out of the room, you take them back. After the first time you sternly remind them it is bedtime and everytime after you simply put them back to bed. It can be a long process (it look our daughter more than a month) or it can be a short process (It took our son less than a week). Hopefully she won't cry too much, but some kids do.

Also if she falls asleep on the floor or by the door for now just let it happen. After she is asleep go into her room and put her back in her bed. It will get easier and easier for her to stay there. Good luck!

[The Loud]

I don't like the idea of having her sleep with us because my sister's daughter just turned 8 and she STILL doesn't sleep in her own bed.

Could you clarify what you don't like? Is it currently unpleasant for you to have her sleeping in your bed, so you need her out right now? Or is it currently OK, but you want to make sure she'll be out by some particular age that she hasn't reached yet? If it's the later case, how old is she now, and by what age do you want her out? That will let us know how much time you have to work with.

My friends recently told me that their daughter decided completely on her own that she wanted to sleep in her own bed in her own room, so it's possible that your daughter will do the same. They made a big deal of letting her pick her own sheets and stuff, and now she wants to enjoy her own space. They were planning on transitioning her gradually, but as soon as she had her own space, she wanted to be in it, and now her parents miss having her in their room. It's possible that your daughter will make the same choice, so there's no need to expect the worst.

Zach_Jenn is correct that if your children come to you for comfort, and you repeatedly are stern with them and send them away to cry alone instead, they will eventually stop trusting you to comfort them.

[kare.bear]

Mommy2Zowie: If you don't want your daughter in your bed, don't let anyone make you feel guilty for that. For my family, our bed is an oasis for only my husband and I. It is the place where we are able to retreat and be alone together - our bonding time.

Your daughter won't stop trusting you because you set boundaries... I agree with Zach-Jenn in that you can be consistant in your expectations and children will grow to understand them. Understanding expectations does not equal a lack of trust. In fact, consistant expectations create feelings of safety for children. You as the parent get to decide those expectations for your family - whether a family bed is right for you or whether you daughter should be sleeping in her own bed. Don't let others make you feel guilty about whatever you decide!

Sweet dreams to all your family

[The Loud]

you can be consistant in your expectations and children will grow to understand them. Understanding expectations does not equal a lack of trust. In fact, consistant expectations create feelings of safety for children.

Kare.bear, could you please direct me to some evidence of this? I would be very interested to see it.

The New York Times had a very interesting article on scientific research of this issue:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/15/he...%20kohn&st=cse
Researchers studied people who, as children, had either received affection unconditionally (all the time, no matter what they did) or received it conditionally (only when they behaved according to their parents' wishes.) While these studies didn't look at sleeping arrangements specifically, I think we can agree that following Zach_Jenn's advice and being stern instead of cuddly when kids want affection at night counts as conditional, right?

Quoting from the article:
"It turned out that children who received conditional approval were indeed somewhat more likely to act as the parent wanted. But compliance came at a steep price. First, these children tended to resent and dislike their parents. Second, they were apt to say that the way they acted was often due more to a “strong internal pressure” than to “a real sense of choice.” Moreover, their happiness after succeeding at something was usually short-lived, and they often felt guilty or ashamed."

[kare.bear]

The Loud: I'm not going to get caught up in a debate with you. I saw your debate a few days ago regarding CIO and your responses seemed more like attacks rather than like the support that most parents are looking for on this site. If you feel strongly about this, write a book about the perfect parenting technique you have.

I am more along the school of thought that each child is VERY different and you need to find what works for your child and family and not what the latest scientific research tells you as they will tell you something different each week...

Best wishes Mommy2Zowie. I hope your child's transition is as drama free as possible

[Lilypad]

I agree with Kare -- you can set expectations for your child in any situation and that does not mean you do not love them unconditionally.

Find a routine that works for YOU as a family. I have followed the method that Kare had outlined and it has worked - it took my daughter less than a week to adapt to her new toddler bed. Your sanity is important as well.

We decided as parents as well that we did not want to share our bed with our daughter once she was passed the SIDS danger age. As it was she slept in a bassinet by our bed and not in our bed. Her every cry and need was met, but we did not want to start the habit of her being in our bed as she grew older, so she has always had her own bed. She now LOVES her room and her bed and finds it a nice refuge and she is only 3!!!

[Mommy2Zowie]

Thank you everyone for you're honest opinions Right now in our bedroom we have a computer desk on one wall and a vanity on the other. So on both sides of the door there are corners from the desk and the vanity sticking out - that's why we have a baby gate up at all times. There is no other way to arrange this as we live in an apartment. Some day I wouldn't mind having her sleep with us it's just my fear is that if she gets too dependent on that she won't ever sleep in her own bed. Thats the story about my sister. Zowie is falling asleep more easily now I've been letting her have quiet time with lights out and tv on in the living room - she falls asleep easily and faster and from there I put her in her bed. I guess maybe all she wanted was to cuddle maybe..lol. I wish she could say "cuddle" ah well I'm sure that will come in time. Thank You Everyone!!