Deep Thoughts

Saying No to the Nay-Sayers

By Rachel Rabkin Pechman on Tuesday, February 5, 9:00 am EST

Why do some people feel the need to tell pregnant women how little sleep they're going to get once the baby arrives? Or how my husband and I are never going to go out to another movie again for the rest of our lives? Or how parenthood is going to be so much work that this is our last chance EVER to go on a trip or do anything remotely fun before we face our inevitable doom? I've heard it one too many times. I KNOW being a mom is going to be a lot of work and I've signed up for that, but I'm fairly sure that it's also going to be pretty darn wonderful and beyond worth it, otherwise nobody would still be doing this.

So I don't need to dwell on the "disaster" that awaits me after labor. Instead, I prefer to focus on the absolutely lovely things that thoughtful people have told me about parenthood. Here are a few comments that have made me really happy:

Oh, I've loved every stage so far! The newborn stage, the baby stage, the toddler stage. I never want any stage to end, but it all just keeps getting better. THIS is when life gets REALLY good. --Said by my brother's wife, who simply adores her twin boys.

Children make your life so much more meaningful. And do not believe everything that people tell you. You do not lose your life -- it just becomes fuller. There are no terrible twos -- they are just more curious and exploratory. Not even the teen years are as horrific as they tell you -- particularly if you have an open and honest relationship with them...and don't worry about what is to come, just enjoy every moment when it does, treasure every step. It is so rewarding! All that to say -- you are about to embark on the most wonderful experience that will give you joy (and a little pain periodically) for a long time to come. My most sincere congratulations! --Written via e-mail by a work colleague when she found out I was expecting.

It's going by so fast -- I don't want my kids to grow up! --Said by my work friend who is in no hurry to get her kids off to college.

They joy of raising children totally eclipses any negatives! And there is nothing boring about taking care of babies or kids in my opinion. I was fascinated by everything you two did. I could watch you all day long -- that was where I wanted to be. I remember having people over, and while they were all talking, I couldn't believe that their eyes weren't glued on what you were doing too. It was so much more interesting to me than anything else we were talking about. --Said by my loving (and biased) mom.

Don't worry about all there is to get done before she arrives. Once you have that baby, none of it will matter. --Written by a good friend via e-mail who was helping me relax about baby prep, and put things in perspective.

When I got home, he was still up, and I heard, "Mommy?" from his bedroom. You'll know how those moments feel soon. I got to say goodnight to my cutie AND have dinner with the girls. It was perfect. --Said by my friend who cut short her evening with us girls to get home to her son and husband.

We played in the park the other day, rolled in the grass, and looked up at the sky. It was GREAT. You really do get to be a kid again and experience it all over. --Said by my friend who had a lovely afternoon with her toddler son.

Get ready for the BEST thing ever in your life...it's about to happen honey! --Written via e-mail by a new-mom friend.

THESE are the types of things I want to hear, and the emotion behind these joyful comments is one of the reasons I decided to get pregnant in the first place. So when people with downer comments feel the need to rain on my optimism and tell me to sleep now because I never will again, I'll just think to myself that if that's all they feel compelled to say about parenthood, that's a shame for them. Instead of worrying about upcoming obstacles I can't do anything about yet, I plan to look forward to all the wonderful things that await.

Anonymous

I think people say those

2/5/2008 at 11:22 am

I think people say those comments to you not to be negative, but to prepare you. If you think it's going to be all happiness and perfection and you come home from the hospital and don't feel that way and are overwhelmed by how hard it can be, you could feel even worse. I appreciated the warnings, because although I love my kids with all my heart, those first few months were really hard for me and if I had only heard about the positives, I would have thought I was a terrible mother. Instead, I knew that it was normal to feel that way, and that it would get better. I think every mom would say it's without a doubt worth it, and it gets better every day, but I also think most moms would say that it's not all joy, so don't feel bad!

Lacy

I've been getting the exact

2/5/2008 at 2:03 pm

I've been getting the exact same negative comments, and not nearly as many of the nice positive comments as you relate. I've also been getting a lot of women asking me about my plans for labor ("will you get an epidural?" "are you attending classes?") and when I answer that I am taking Bradley classes and hope to have a natural birth, they get very defensive about their own birth experiences and feel compelled to tell me all sorts of scary things. I know that one cannot plan out what will happen during labor, and that things can change in an instant. But I CAN plan for the birth I hope to have, and think positively about the chances of it taking place. My DH and I are getting really excited about meeting our son in April! :)

jul

Thank you so much for the

2/5/2008 at 4:06 pm

Thank you so much for the positivism. So much of what I hear and read (blogs etc) about motherhood is sooo sarcastic, it really scared me for a moment. Your post is refreshing and honest, and, most of all, comforting : i've been TTC for 9 months now, and sometimes, i wondered what the heck I was getting into !

Carrie

those people are lying to you ...

2/5/2008 at 9:04 pm

... they're actually sugarcoating it, not exaggerating the negative. Because if they told it how it really is, reproduction would cease and the world would depopulate. Ok, I'm kidding. Mostly. You can tell we're going through one of those tougher times at our house, where my husband and I look back on our single lives four years ago and realize we had no idea how much our lives were going to change with parenthood. People may be trying to communicate that -- your life as you know it is actually ending. Sometimes we parents look back and wish we would have enjoyed one more late-night party or spontaneous dinner out. The thing that really surprised me after I became a mother, though, is how much joy there is. I always wonder how women can say that the birth of their child is the best day of their lives, because I have had 100 or 500 days since then that make me say no, THIS is the best day. Today on the whole was not one of the best, but even today there were two moments that rank in the top 100 moments of my entire life so far: My 3-year-old spontaneously shouting out "Si se puede!" in Target, and my soon-to-be1-year-old hauling ass over to me in the gym childcare room to give me a huge hug. She just started hugging. Of course when people tell you you should party, travel or sleep while you can, but you're already 6 months pregnant, it's kind of too late, isn't it? Here's some news you can really use: The first 6 months of parenting offer more flexibility and freedom than any other time in the pre-elementary-school years. Take that baby wherever you want to, pretty much whenever you want to. Sling, Baby Bjorn, portable car seat, these things are all your passports to parties, the office, restaurants, even movies and travel. Use them!

Anonymous

And Who Asked Them?

2/6/2008 at 12:11 pm

It's not so much the doom-and-gloom content of the comments that gets to me, but the smug, condescending tone in which they're sometimes delivered. "Oh, you have no idea what you're in for, you're just an innocent, optimistic little fool. I, on the other hand, know everything, and exist to judge you and tell you how things REALLY are, whether you asked me or not." It's pretty obnoxious.

Elizabeth

Negativism, Optimism, A Little Reality Thrown In

2/7/2008 at 12:15 pm

I remember staggering into a coffee shop with my first newborn, early in the morning -- like we had been waiting for the shop to open at 5:30 a.m. and I was losing my mind early-- and this woman came up to me laughed and said, "First kid, huh? You won't believe how easy this part is. Wait until she's a toddler. THEN it gets hard." It wasn't helpful or supportive, it was just mean. And I think those kinds of comments are one of the worst parts of pregnancy and early motherhood. But I also agree a little with Anonymous that it's important for the seasoned mothers not to sugar-coat it for the expectant mothers. A lot of the moms that I watch struggle in those first months have unrealistic expectations. Popular culture tells them they're supposed to be blissfully happy, instantaneously competant, and totally unambivalent about their new status. So when they feel scared, overwhelmed, they have negative feelings toward their baby, and doubts about their own motherhood, they feel like failures. Somone should do them the great kindness of letting them know ahead of time that that's normal. Unsolicited, all I offer are congratulations and best wishes. But when I am in a position of trust and friendship to a new mother, I take the time to let her know it may not be wonderful -- parts of it will be awful. That's normal. She's normal if it turns out to be a lot harder than she wanted it to be. Great post, as always, Rachel!

Kat

There's something to be said....

2/13/2008 at 7:06 pm

about how women are just catty at the core. Unfortunately I think there are just NOT enough TRULY supportive moms (and women) out there. It's like a horrid competitiveness that just rears it's ugly head ALL the time. I'm of the idea that if you can't say anything positive don't say anything at all. Your life after baby is what YOU make of it. If you choose to be a child-focused parent then NO you will not have a life after baby that resembles the life you had before (I made that mistake with my first child) and if you choose to be a family-focused parent then you will show your child that not only are they an important part of the family but so is mom and dad (or just mom or just dad-however the family dynamic works) and that each person not only needs together time but also alone or separate time and THAT IS OK!!!!! Otherwise you are dooming yourself to failure or resentment, and that is just not an environment that a family thrives in. I have learned after 3 children to just grin and bear it with the people that choose to make comments like "your life will never be the same, yada-yada-yada....." because nothing you say to them will ever change their opinion. As long as you live your life focusing on your goals and what you want then let the nay-sayers go on with their negative selves:) Don't let them drag you down mama, you ROCK!!!

Sarah

take it all with a grain of salt...

2/20/2008 at 12:01 am

As a mom of two, the oldest is 3 1/2 and the second is 2 1/2 and currently pregnant with our third due in April, life is not like what it was before I had kids, but it's supposed to be. There are days that are the greatest ever and we have more fun then you think is possible, but there are those days when you are pulling your hair out while realizing that it hasn't been washed in two days your still wearing your pj's and Oprah is on, the laundry is slowing overtaking the hallway and the big plans you had for making a great dinner is now turning into a call to where ever will deliver. But it's life and you live each day with the understanding that you have these precious little lives to love and nuture, you have these little people who think you are the greatest, the prettiest, the smartest, best cook, wonder woman and all they want is for you to tuck them in at night or snuggle with them one more time before falling asleep. It's in those moments that you wouldn't trade one party or night out for anything. You will find your new "normal" and it will be the greatest thing ever, some things will never be the same...you will never go to sleep again with out one ear turned toward the babies room or getting up one last time to check on them and make sure their tucked in good...but there are some things that will stay the same, you will still be you, just with a new name...MOMMY!!! Enjoy!!

cutepachef

some people will always be their selves......

2/28/2008 at 3:46 pm

I have kind of run into the same thing just in a little bit of a different way. I have people tell me all these horrible stories about how thie person or that person had a miscarrage or that happened in the delivery room or that happened. For me being pregnant to hear those things is like watching a horror movie. I do not want to hear these things and I do not think that anyone else that is pregnant wants to hear these things ever. Why do people feel the need to share those kind of stories. I am prolly like you, I have thought about what I am suppose to be doing while I am pregnant so that I can do my best to have a happy and healthy baby every scenario has gone through my head of what could go wrong then I get these jerks that just confirm that one of the scenarios I have already thought about happened to someone else. I have a son already he is 13 he will be almost 14 when the baby is born. For me this is like my first time all over again. I do not remeber much about it. I can say this. Yeah my son was up alot at night for just a few days after he came home from the hospital. After the first few nights though he started to sleep through the entire night he did that at about 2 weeks old or so and never stopped. I really enjoyed his child hood and can not even begin to imagin what my life would be like if he had not been here. I know that I did alot of things in my life for him like go on to college and such. So I know that he helped me to be a better person as well as give me some of the best possible memories any one could ever ask for. Even though I do not know you I wish the very same things for you with your new child. I hope that all goes well and that you remeber like I have to that some people will always be their selves. Even though most people do not appericate it. They are just ignoranat of social etiquet and manners all around. Just pay them no mind.

scrambler4201@yahoo.com

Best is yet to come...

5/14/2008 at 3:59 pm

I had all the stories during my first pregnancy seven years ago. My friend constantly told me about how she "died" and had to be brought back during her emergency c section and how the baby was born blue. I had 36 hours of labor ending in a c-section but I was smiling in every picture! (An extra special thanks to the epidural) My daughter at age seven puts herself to bed at 8 pm every night giving hubby and I plenty of alone time before we go to bed. We do lots of fun things as a family because my daughter knows discipline and how to behave. I was not exhausted in the early days because I was just so excited. We are looking forward to telling our daughter that we are expecting twins and I expect that the next round will be just as much fun as the first time. I think it is all about attitude and how much you are willing to be a parent. In the age of the BCP, there should'nt be anyone pregnant that doesn't want to be. Let's assume that the pregnant women on the street planned her condition and we should just congratulate her instead of trying to scare the hell out of her!

Anonymous

Optimism....

10/16/2008 at 7:51 pm

I've also heard a lot of negativity towards being a new mom, and I have the opinion that you can relate a bad side of anything with optimism that gives women a sense of understanding AND hope...something that won't make them want to cry on a bad day. I mean if you're always focusing on how bad something will be, it might turn into some kind of self-fulfilled prophecy. But if they have the realistic but hopeful point-of-view(and not tinged with pessimism), it may give them the tools to cope...even if things aren't going spectacular. That being said....most women I've talked to don't like arbitrary advice coming from random people anyway. Maybe these people just aren't versed in a standard "congratulations."

erin

mom at 15

1/6/2009 at 12:34 am

Hi, my name is erin. im 15 years old and 7 months pregnate. i know your thinking im young. and i am way to young to have a baby. i dont know if this is a website for this kind of stuff, i dont know if im doing this comment thing right, all i know is i could use some help, and im guessing most of the people who come on this are much older and ready and could maybe help me out a bit if they didnt mind. well first off i am keeping the baby, i know i have other options i can do and i was thinking about them as well, but than i had my first ultra sound, and i dont know whay, but i cried, and fell in love. i knew i wasnt ready, i knew i didnt know anything about it, but i also knew that was my baby, that baby is growing inside of me she was my daughter, and from there on i was willing to do anything to make myself a young, but good mother to her! yes its a girl, her name will be Hayden Lynn. my mom is so supportive of me and so is my father. i come from a really good home up north. i have one full sister and a half sister they both also are a big help. the dad, well i can say more for him than most 15 year old boys, he is here helping as muc as he can, he is trying to get a job to help support her, we both still go to school, and were working on our permit. he is a lot of help, emotionally, and physically. but anyway, i have been doing things around the house to get paid, and when i get paid i buy hayden stuff. i bought her changing table. i have bought her clothes, and some medical stuff she will need. though i feel bad my mom has to help me with everything i know i do the best i can. i also go to lots of doctor appointments and baby classes to learn as much as possible so i can be a better mom. but even though i buy her stuff and yea its great i go to classes, i still dont know how to do things. i dont know how to give a baby a bath, change a new born, feed her right, make her bottle, hold her the right way, pick up after her, burp her, i dont even know why you burp babies yet. and another thing, i have to be harpped on to take care of my gunie pig, how am i supose to handle and take care of a baby. i know some of you might be thinking im young, no nothing, there fore should give her up. but i dont want to, i want to raise her. i wanna take care of her, love her, be there for her, i wanna be the one she comes to when she has her first kiss, her first date, her first heart break. i wanna be there when she is walking down the isle. i wanna take her to the park and play games with her. i wanna be her mom. i know i should have waited, but it happened, and im going to work at it to make it better.please if you have any advise or comments to help me, please comment back.

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