The Project Pregnancy Blog

From one kid to two: Just how much will life change this time?

By Erin Zammett Ruddy on Wednesday, October 21, 8:54 am EDT

Yesterday four separate people alluded to how much my life is going to change when this baby is born. That is, when I go from having one rambunctious two-year-old boy to having one rambunctious two-year-old boy plus a newborn baby.

The first was my mother. She came over with breakfast because it was Nick’s birthday. Alex was being relatively good until I told him we had to put away the vacuum and get ready for school (he is obsessed with vacuums, brooms, mops, etc. and I occasionally let him play with the real thing rather than the kiddie versions he has in his playroom). He threw a full-on temper tantrum complete with rolling on the floor and sobbing outside of the closet where I stashed the vacuum. It was the first tantrum he’s ever thrown and I was…thrown. I got flustered and didn’t know how to deal without freaking out myself. My mom remained calm, mostly laughed, but did manage to say: “Oh Erin, you’ve got to relax, what are you going to do when you have two?”

The next was my friend, Chris. I replied a few days late to her email and wrote that things were a little hectic in the Ruddy house. She wrote back leading off with, “it only gets worse with two…”

Then it was Don, the guy who was installing our new dining room blinds (we put up really cheap ones throughout the house when we first moved in and just decided to replace some of the more visible ones). Alex was obsessed with Don and wanted to climb his ladder and play with his tape measure and asked him 10 times, “Watcha doin Don?” When I told him we had to go play upstairs, he said, “No mom, no way mom, stop it mom, do you hear me mom?” and ran away from me. Don -- who, p.s., was no more than 22 -- said: “Just wait until you have two running around here.” Thanks, Don.

Finally, it was the waiter at dinner (like I said it was Nick’s bday so we got to have a date night). I came back from the bathroom and found him chatting up Nick. They were talking about kids and the waiter was imparting some wisdom. The bit I caught: We better enjoy our nights out now because we won’t get many once baby number two gets here. Sweet.

Here’s the thing: This wasn’t news to me. I know your life changes when you have a baby and I’m OK with that (obviously). I’ve been there. But when I think about life changing again -- in new and different ways -- I start getting…nervous. And I’m wondering if I should prepare. If I can prepare. So, I ask those of you who've been there: How does life change when you go from one to two? What can I expect? Any tips for softening the blow? And for any moms or moms-to-be out there, what was the best "life-is-going-to-change" advice you ever got?


Member Comments
Susannah's picture
Susannah
Glad my duaghter is going to
10/21/2009 at 9:32 am
Glad my duaghter is going to be an only child. That really wasn't helpful. It will be hell for a while, but like most things it will pass.


Michelle's picture
Michelle
Yikes!
10/21/2009 at 10:38 am
Erin, I hate to say it, but it's rough...at least in the beginning it is. For us going from 1 to 2 kids was harder than going from 0 to 1. My son acted out and did not behave like he was even my child for a good two weeks after we brought home my daughter. But it does get easier, you just have to find your new 'normal'. It's not so bad when your husband is around because you two can tag team with the kids, 'you take one and I'll take the other'. But it is harder when you are alone. I didn't venture out much when I was by myself with the two kids for quite a while. As they get older, it gets a little easier, but as you know with Alex, I'm sure, each age can offer new sets of circumstances to deal with...the same goes for two....and don't even get me started on sibling rivalry! HA, HA You adjust and get through it and for the most part it is fun. Just enjoy watching them grow up together and being able to see the differences between boys and girls...that was alot of fun and humorous too!


Melissa's picture
Melissa
I spaced mine out pretty
10/21/2009 at 10:44 am
I spaced mine out pretty well. Having a 5 year old and a new born is totally different then a two year old and a new born. As long as you are prepared that things will be different- good different- you will be fine!!


Merissa's picture
Merissa
Hey Erin, The hardest part
10/21/2009 at 10:52 am
Hey Erin, The hardest part for me was that #2 was born right after #1 turned 2. I was thinking that somehow I could nurse a newborn 24/7 and potty train a 2 year old at the same time. Once I gave up on the potty training thing, it was a lot less stressful. And I am glad that I relaxed on it because it turns out he wasn't ready until he was 3. That would have been a really long year. I guess I was lucky. Both of my kids were great sleepers so it seemed like they were never awake at the same time in the beginning. And when they were (in the evening) my husband was home to help. Now that I think about it though, we didn't go anywhere between 8 am and 4 because one of them was napping. So I got nothing done for a year or 2 lol but it was worth it in the end because it helped establish their sleep routine which has always been the envy of friends and family.


Keri's picture
Keri
1-2 was way harder for me too......
10/21/2009 at 11:11 am
Sorry - but I am going to have to agree that it is VERY hard! I thought having the first would be the biggest life change - but having the second was much harder for my husband and I. I was so overwhelmed, there is NO downtime, as we sort of did the divide and conquer method for the first few months - I was nursing so took the baby and my husband took our almost 3 year old. I also felt bad as it seemed like I was constantly yelling at our older daughter to not touch the baby, not hit, be quiet, etc. Poor Ella was constantly in some sort of trouble with us, and I felt terrible about it! Our second daughter is now 16 months, so it isn't as rough now - and the baby can hold her own now against the 4 year old much better - but it is rough. I am not saying that to scare you, but I think you need to be prepared. We are now getting out as a couple sans children, but the first year was hard. Of course, I wouldn't change it - but I wouldn't live through it again either! Good luck - keep a positive attitude and laugh alot - as sometimes it is all you can do!


Anonymous's picture
Anonymous
Erin, In my case my second
10/21/2009 at 12:46 pm
Erin, In my case my second child was much easier. She was less sick than her older sister. I didn't panic and rush to the doctor when #2 got a little cut or a runny nose because I knew how to handle things better this time around. She actually used a crib instead of my bed. She was just much much easier. However... I do think your life changes more than you can even prepare yourself for. But change is okay when you want it to be. I remember my big fear was I didn't know how I could love this second child like I did my first child. Baby number one was such a huge part of my life and now I was going to divide that love? The second I gave birth to my second daughter my love didn't divide, my heart grew. I love them both just as much. I would recommend you get Alex excited about the new baby. Get him interested in watching you breast feed if you are going to, changing diapers, rocking the new baby instead of him at times. Get a baby doll and show Alex how you will feed his sister, how you will change diapers stuff like that helped my toddler when her sister was born. Things you will be doing once she arrives. Even let him be involed by saying things like Alex mommy needs a diaper could you be a big brother and get me one. This includes him in the picture. Getting him ready will help get you ready. Major changes I had: It is harder to get out with two, spending one on one time with first born, getting myself ready for anything (if my husband wasn't home to tend to the girls) always having one child needing something, finding a sitter for two kids is alot harder it seems, bringing diapers back into my life was hard (my oldest was potty trained at 2) Good luck! It will all work out!


Holly's picture
Holly
It is a big adjustment for everyone
10/21/2009 at 1:07 pm
My sons are 4 years apart so I thought that the transition would be no big deal. My son was so excited to be a big brother I was sure everything would be just fine. Oh how naive I was!! When Maguire was born and we brought him home, Marcus loved his little brother but he seemed to take out all his aggression, jealousy, etc out on me. The first few months were hell. He would not listen, would act up, ugh I felt like I spent all day yelling at the poor kid. I am lucky that he adored his baby brother. Now they fight over everything but those tender moments when they hug or play together are worth it all. It will be a big adjustment for the whole family but when you see Alex with his new baby sister, it will just melt your heart. I highly recommend the baby get Alex a big brother gift that you can give him when he sees the baby for the first time. My son loved it and it gave him something to do at the hospital (We got him puzzles and a new movie). I wish you the best of luck.


Meg's picture
Meg
A Little Behind
10/21/2009 at 1:32 pm
Hi Erin, I just finished reading your article in the September issue and it moved me to tears! I'm so proud of you for not taking that 'anonymous' bloggers advice of not trying to fulfill your life with more children. You are NOT an idiot for doing so! I'm excited for you and your family and your little Alex will teach his new sibling everything you don't want him to! I am a mother of only one child, who is 4, but have a stepdaughter who is 14 and I have to say I love the age gap! But people couldnt believe we were going to start over! I was the idiot then and sometimes I truly feel like one, but mostly I'm eladed with my decision. The thing that kept coming to me while reading your article was that if it's you and your husbands decision to have a second child, and something terrible does happen with your cancer and you, your husband and children will still have each other. And I was right with you with your line of thinking that Alex will have someone else-sister or brother whether you're here or not. You've made the right decision in my book and I wish all happiness and wellness to you! My prayers are with you, your unborn child, your family and your team of doctors! Good Luck and Congratulations!!!


Candy's picture
Candy
Nice to see your doing great!!
10/21/2009 at 1:43 pm
Hi, I am a mom of 4 (our newset member is Ella Kate born ten years from our last child). I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma in July 2009. I am going for my 4th chemo treatment on Friday. I remember reading your story years ago and being in awe of your courage. I am trying to do the same:). Cancer treatment is soooooo not a pretty experience so far. There are millions of brave people around the world dealing with such a strong force against them. Enjoy & have soooooooo much FUN raising your son and soon to be little one♥ God bless!!


Anonymous's picture
Anonymous
I have to say that I
10/21/2009 at 2:29 pm
I have to say that I honestly found going from 1 to 2 easier than from 0 to 1. You are already a parent, you know the routine, you know you can't just get up and go at the drop of a hat, and mostly I was a lot less nervous. Yes, it is two kids to care for now, but really I found that my second son just kind of fell into our routine that already existed--he kind of had to! And my two year old son really just loves the baby. Somebody gave me a piece of advice when I was pregnant that really seemed to work. They told me that when both kids needed something at the same time (of course nothing emergent), tend to the toddler first. He will remember this time with you and be aware of what's going on while the baby won't ever know that he had to cry for 30 more seconds while you got your other child juice. I kept that in mind and did it when I could and it really worked for us. My older son was much more patient when I couldn't get up and get him something because I think he realized that if I was able to, I would. Don't worry, cause you can't predict how it will go--enjoy the end of your pregnancy!


Janene's picture
Janene
They won't know anything different. . .
10/21/2009 at 3:55 pm
Although having my two, two years apart is a total blur--I can't remember specifically what was hard or manageable during that time period. . .I LOVE that my two kids are each others playmates. The two-year-old was too young to act out in jealousy and it's as if the baby had always been there. There were tough moments, but with the help of my husband and a schedule we managed--it was so doable, in fact that baby #3 will be arriving in 6 short weeks--and life will change again but we will manage--because that's what families do. Good luck!


Erin Ferris's picture
Erin Ferris
As someone else mentioned,
10/21/2009 at 9:04 pm
As someone else mentioned, going from 1-2 is MUCH easier than going from 0-1. The workload increases - it's tough wrangling both kids and making sure they each get enough attention as well as what they need when they need it - but the life change is no where what it was the first time around. Good luck!


Honestly? Everyone has
10/22/2009 at 8:51 pm
Honestly? Everyone has always told me the opposite. That is seems like it has always been that way and it is fine.


Erin Z. Ruddy's picture
Erin Z. Ruddy
Thanks for all the comments!
10/22/2009 at 9:09 pm
This is all really helpful, guys. I can't say I'm no longer worried, but the more I am prepared for, the better I think. Thanks!


Anonymous's picture
Anonymous
Two in Diapers
11/1/2009 at 11:20 am
Is NOT bad. Don't feel like you have to have your oldest out of diapers just because the new baby is comming. The truth is that it can be a TON easier to have two in diapers. Imagine for a minute that you are out with both kids. Your older one needs to pee, in diapers, its not even an issue. You can head for home, but even an hour in a wet (and they aren't really wet are they?) diaper is no big deal. Even if you had to change the diaper you could head to the car, strap the baby in the car seat, and change your other one in the car. Now imagine have to rush for the public bathroom and maneuver you and the baby and your son into a stall and "help' him (most 3 year olds need help). UGH, its awful. I was so glad my older one stayed in diapers as long as she did!


Sandy's picture
Sandy
Just be patient...
10/23/2009 at 2:59 pm
Of course things will change but look at the big picture, I bet all the changes and future tantrums are nothing compared to the joy of adding a new member to the family. Like someone else mentioned, I found it easier with baby #2 b/c I felt more confident with my newborn. I remember with my first born I couldn't even cut his nails, I was so afraid to hurt him and with my daughter I cut her nails with one hand while breastfeeding. The best advice I can give you is always try to tend to your toddler before the baby, he will remember that and will appreciate it. Babies have feelings (don't get me wrong) but they are easier to sooth at this age than a toddler on a tantrum.


Meagan's picture
Meagan
It's not that much harder
10/23/2009 at 3:08 pm
Mine are 20 months apart, and yes, we have moments, but it isn't really that bad. The bigger adjustment was getting used to having one. A baby comes with a lot of stuff and extra thought. The second is just minor adjustments to get used to having a second. And when people look at you and wonder how you get out of the house, it's really just a matter of doing it because it needs to be done. The less you think, the easier it is.


From one Erin to another with 2 under 2
10/23/2009 at 3:13 pm
Hi Erin, Great article and yes, I was in your shoes just 4 months ago. I have a 9yr old daughter, but almost 3 years ago I remarried. My DH and I were married in March and I found out I was expecting in April. (We wanted to start building our family right away..but that was quick :-). Anyway, Ben was born on my DH's birthday (great timing!) and was only 5 months old when we found out we were having our second child. So I went from 1 to a long break..then 2, then 3. Talk about an adjustment! Here's what you can expect... Patience ~ moments of great patience and moments of having a short fuse. It's natural. I am pretty laid back but have lost it too especially when Ben won't let go of our sweeper and throws a tantrum. Organization ~ moments of having it together and then being lucky if you remember your head. With two being so close and especially if they are both boys...you tend to mix them up...I easily get their diapers and formulas confused since they are just a little different. Finally, Confidence ~ moments when you think you can't handle anything and moments when you complete 4 tasks at once and catch yourself smiling, thinking..I rock! Sincerely, Erin (Hebronmommy)


Go with the flow...
10/23/2009 at 7:41 pm
My advice is just go with the flow and remember that change is inevitable in life; it is a constant. Change is a GOOD thing. Without change, things would become stagnant and we would never learn or grow. Also, the most important thing that I did after having another child was to learn how to blow things off, pick my battles and to not let little things make me crazy. If you are more relaxed, then everything else fits into place better. It isn't easy being a parent whether you have one or a dozen kids. Try to think of things from their perspective and through their age appropriate developmental milestones. Another thing that I have noticed is that kids go through phases all throughout their lives. If you keep in mind "This is just a phase, it will pass", then things seem easier. The last bit of advice is to parent with your soul, treat your children with respect and honor their individuality...they're new here (on Earth) and are just learning how to be humans one babystep at a time.


Allison's picture
Allison
For us, 0-1 was harder..
10/24/2009 at 8:27 pm
I think that mostly because #1 was such a tough baby (knowing what I know now). The other part was getting used to being attached to someone 24/7. #2 just had a more laid back personality. Besides, I was MUCH less stressed and I knew that everything we went throught would eventually pass (including the exhaustion). Best wishes!


Kelly's picture
Kelly
Make these days special
10/25/2009 at 4:55 pm
I didn't read through the other comments so maybe it's been said, but try to do some special things with Alex before the next one arrives and take some pics together. Your relationship with him will never be as it is now. I'm not at all implying less love or anything, it just changes when your #1 turns into a small crowd! We went from 1 to 3 when our twins arrived and I still feel guilty for "doing this" to my son. But, I know that he will never remember how difficult it was at the beginning. He will be lucky to have a brother and a sister for life! I hope this wasn't too depressing! We took our son to Build a bear to build one for himself and a gift to his siblings that he could give them at the hospital. We took a pic that night of the 3 of us and I often look back and think how much different our lives were, especially his! We also bought him a digital camera (playskool I think) so that he could take pics at the hospital and could feel special about that...he really liked that!


Heather's picture
Heather
new normal
10/29/2009 at 6:48 pm
I work full-time. The summer my daughter was born, we dropped our son back to part-time at day care. He got to go just enough to be involved in the summer field trips and games, which he loved. He loved extra days home with mom even more. The baby couldn't do much to bother him, and we really emphasized the Big Brother thing. It was the most blissful summer of my life. They're 4 and 1 now and play together. She's starting to show interest in his train table, and he still takes pride in being her big brother and helping her with things. Planning one-on-one time for them helps. So does a sense of humor. Experience counts. You know the baby drill now, which makes it all much easier. Having a second puts your life with the first in perspective, which is good for you both. And getting to share baby love with your son will be a great bonding experience.


More kids
10/31/2009 at 8:54 am
As a mother of four, you can definitely handle two! I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma 19 years ago and at that time had only two little ones, ages 2 and newborn. It was devastating. But we, as a family, got through it, 9 months of chemo, radiation and all. Six years after the treatments ended we had another baby and four years after that another. There was the risk of recurrence, but we forged ahead, knowing abortion would not be an option for us. Here we are, 19 years later, I'm healthy and the two oldest are in college while the younger two are in middle and elementary school. I feel blessed every day, since at one time I didn't think I'd see my oldest two start Kindergarten. I hope it helps to hear of other success stories and I am amazed at the honesty with which you share your story. I will think of you often and hope to keep up with you through this blog. God Bless.


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