Summer Daze

Wading Pool Etiquette

By Mighty Maggie on Thursday, July 10, 11:01 am EDT

I took Jack to the wading pool yesterday, and for a full hour I was mom not only to my one-year-old, but also a four- or five-year-old little girl. Jack and I had barely filled our buckets before this little girl arrived from who knew where, eying the collection of cups and buckets we'd brought with us. She was cute and friendly and I didn't mind her going through our toys, especially because she was playing so well with Jack. When Jack wandered a little farther out, she came along. When I coaxed Jack back to our end of the pool, she was right next to us.

There are tons of kids at this wading pool on sunny days, and certain things are taken for granted. The bigger kids are going to splash you and your little ones. A toy without an apparent owner becomes communal property. The smaller children are accompanied by parents, often with cameras, and a silent period while toddlers sniff each other out is acceptable as long as each parent moves their respective kid along before things get entirely awkward.

So I assumed this little girl's mother was around somewhere, but possibly making sure a smaller sibling wasn't getting trampled by the big boys going to war on each other with squirt guns. I didn't mind my little helper, until she suddenly decided to take off for the other end of the pool with the bucket Jack had just been filling and dumping on himself. Jack looked after her with his hand outstretched. I quickly gave him another toy and wondered again about the mom. Did she not see her kid make off with a one-year-old's toy?

No big deal, I thought. I'll just go get the bucket before we leave. And it really wasn't a big deal, because ten minutes later our little friend was back, with our bucket and someone else's watering can.

She was still cute and still friendly, but she was getting rougher in the water and constantly splashing Jack's face. Whatever toy he was currently playing with was the one she wanted too. She took other toys and wandered off with them. After a while I realized that whenever she left us she was finding another little kid to play with, usually one with his own set of buckets.

I finally spotted her mother, a woman sitting on a bench with a sleeping toddler in her lap. She didn't seem concerned about her daughter at all, just watching her travel around the wading pool, an armada of buckets dragging along behind her. And that's when I got annoyed.

At the playground the other weekend, Phillip was irritated with me when I wouldn't let Jack play by himself in the toddler area. He wanted me to sit on the bench and let our kid have some independence, watching him from afar. But I wouldn't sit down. I didn't want Jack to toddle up to some other kid and get in her way or take over her toy and not be there to stop him. I didn't want other parents to feel like they were watching my kid as well. It's one thing to help the kid next to you who trips and falls flat on his face in the wading pool. It's another to constantly be telling someone else's kid to give back toys, to stop splashing your baby, and to watch where she's going.

Or maybe it's just me? I'm new at this, after all, and still deciphering the unwritten rules of the playground. Perhaps I should have invited our little friend back to our blanket for a snack of graham crackers and cut up grapes as well!

_____

Visit Mighty Maggie's personal blog.

rma910

This is a tricky one, and I

7/10/2008 at 11:42 am

This is a tricky one, and I don't really know how I would manage it. Obviously, that mom thought that her daughter was capable of independent play, but she really should have stepped in her daughter was taking toys from someone smaller. Ugh- I don't know how I'll handle things like this when I have kids. There are so many unwritten rules and gray areas.
:) Becky
http://www.stinkylemsky.typepad.com/

Dr. Maureen

parenting random children

7/10/2008 at 12:41 pm

I had a similar experience at the sprinkler park the other day; Jack and another toddler were happily playing with one of the sprays when a 6-7 year old girl came and sat on it. "They can't play with it if you sit on it," I said, and there was a near-stalemate, but then she moved enough that there was some spray for the babies. And when I told my sister about this (she has three teenage girls), she told me that you just have to tell the other kid to stop, or give it back, or move, or whatever. You can't be polite. Because what is the goal? To teach a lesson or to get your son his toy back? It's very difficult for us super-polite people to do, but when it comes down to it, you just have to say, "Hey, that is Jack's bucket," and then TAKE IT and give it back to Jack. Just like I should have said to the girl, "Don't sit on that, these two are playing with it. You have to share."

Anonymous

Sprinkler Park

7/29/2008 at 10:01 pm

Kind is always the way to go. Although this child is much older than your child, she is still a 6 or 7 year old.

Kate from the Atlanta Burbs

I agree with Dr. Maureen.

7/10/2008 at 1:13 pm

I agree with Dr. Maureen. This wasn't an isolated incident, I promise you that. This mom was enjoying some down time at your expense--something she does more than you think, I'd bet money on it. I have a 6 year old and am still going through this. At my nephew's party some 8 year old girl kept being ugly to my daughter and her cousin. She was jealous that they were having a good time without her and started saying nasty things, taking toys, splashing them in the face, etc. Since the mom of the 8 year old was my sis in laws friend, sis in law just blew it off. What's more, when my daughter and her cousin swam off, this little girl came up to me and complained that my daughter and cousin were being mean to HER. (Talk about manipulative.) I set this girl straight. Told her to leave my daughter alone, that I had seen how she was behaving, and to not it off. She immediately tattled to her mom and my sis in law. Course I got the dirty look and the "let the kids deal with it on their own and they were all being ugly" comment. I just smiled and held my ground. Long story longer--it doesn't go away. I used to try and be nice. That lasted for about a year and half!!!

5'scompany

Differing Parenting Styles

7/10/2008 at 1:26 pm

Wow! I feel your frustration and experience similar interactions just about every time I take my kids to a public play area. Sometimes I watch those parents who are sitting on the sidelines and actually feel envious of their ability to detach themselves from the impact their children are having on those around them. Most of the time, however, I resent the fact that I am distracted from my own children as I deal with theirs. I spend a ton of energy interacting with my kids, no matter what the setting, and attempting to teach them good and positive etiquette as they play with and around others. My husband simply ignores the unchaperoned tikes around us but I have to admit that I rarely refrain from gently and firmly letting them know when their behavior is off base. One hopes that bossing other people's kids around once in awhile helps me be slightly less bossy towards my own....

Liz from Illinois

The Kid Magnet

7/10/2008 at 1:59 pm

I am constantly surprised at how many parents do not supervise or interact with their children at our community pool. Yes, there are lifeguards on duty, but last time I checked they were there to deal with safety issues, not to babysit random children. Most of the moms at the toddler wading pool lay out in the sun or talk on their cell phones while their little ones play in pool, which is neglectful if not downright dangerous. Since I always go into the pool to play with my daughter, I am constantly attracting other people's children -- it's like they say, "Hey, there's a grownup who actually plays with kids instead of talking on the phone!" I am like the Pied Piper of our little wading pool. Most kids behave themselves, but if there's too much splashing, pushing, etc. (and, on more than one occasion, swearing), I tell them, "You can play with us if you like, but if you continue to push (splash, swear, etc.) my little girl and I are going to have to play somewhere else." This usually stops it. If not, I have no problem asking the child to show me where his/her mommy is, and then I politely explain to Mom that their little one is being a bit rough. Sometimes I get a blank stare, and sometimes I get an eye roll and a "So what?" Most of the time the parent is apologetic, but I can tell by the way she answers that she was fully aware of her child's behavior and was hoping to not have to deal with it. I am always polite, and the only time I am hesitant to approach a parent is when I have reason to believe that my confronting the parent will result in the child being smacked or yelled at.

Christina

Better idea...

7/10/2008 at 2:30 pm

My daughter is only 6 months old so I haven't personally had to deal with this yet. But while on vacation I went to a large public pool with my family. My sister-in-law was at the kids pool with my nephew. She sat on the edge and played with him and his toys. Another little boy came over and wanted to play as well. The kids played and the moms sat on the edge chatting. They let the boys have their time but they were both very close by in order to keep things under control. That seems like a much better idea to me than to watch your kid from far away and do nothing when they are bothering others!

Kimmad

I'm not nice at all!

7/10/2008 at 3:23 pm

When I see some child bothering one of my boys in a public place, I usually look up, saying something like "Where's your mother?" And then I very gently, but firmly, tell the child to stop. If I have to, I will physically move them (not hit! just gently move them along), especially if I see my little ones in danger of being hit, or pushed, or anything like that. It just REALLY irritates me when I see little kids not being watched by their parents. I am on my kids LIKE A HAWK in those public places, and can't imagine being otherwise!

Kristin

So Frustrating!

7/10/2008 at 3:24 pm

There is a fine line between hovering and independence, but I always err on the side of safety. This means I don't sit at a playground. Ever. I will stand at the bottom of the slide while my 2 year old climbs the steps and goes down by herself, but I am standing there waiting for a "just-in-case" moment. A couple months ago a kid about 4 years old was "helping" her get to the slide, and was shoving her into the slide. Needless to say I was FREAKING OUT and yelling up to the top of the slide. "Thanks, but she doesn't need your help. Okay, stop, STOP!!" So his babysitter/Nanny whoever she was, strolls over, ON HER CELL PHONE, and I can hear her say...."oh, he's pushing someone, he just doesn't know any better." Yeah. He doesn't know any better because YOU aren't anywhere near him to tell him to stop. (Okay, so I am obviously a little bitter and angry about this incident still. I am hoping that in the future, my daughter doesn't encounter anymajor bullying. I don't know how I will handle that.)

Jenn M

This happens to me every

7/10/2008 at 4:21 pm

This happens to me every time we go to the pool, park, etc. It can get very annoying. I always end up with a couple of extra kids. Last summer some little boy I didn't know wanted me to hold him in the deep end. His mom was in the shade and didn't like to swim. I hate to be rude, but some times you just have to be stern enough to get their parents to listen.

Jen

sleeping toddler?

7/10/2008 at 5:26 pm

It's tough to say what would have been the best thing to do in that situation. I usually hover somewhere on the line between the "let the kids work it out" and "try to super-politely boss someone else's kid around." But I did notice that you mentioned the mom had a sleeping toddler on her lap. Maybe the toddler and the 4-year-old had been running her ragged all day and the nap (that happened to occur at the park) was the only break she was going to get and she knew it. I've had days when sometimes my parenting standards are not as high as they could be and I let things slide, because I've just had enough and I need to sit for awhile. Granted, the public wading pool is a pretty poor place to do that. No graham crackers and cut-up grapes were required. But I think it's probably a good thing that you were patient with this kid--and by extension, her not-on-the-ball mother.

Donna

neighborhood policemom

7/11/2008 at 3:27 am

My theory is, if I'm the only parent around, then all the kids have to listen to me. So if a child is misbehaving in the kiddie pool, I correct him. If they ignore me, I just sweetly tell them that we'll need to go ask their mommies if they are allowed to behave that way. That usually stops 'em. I do this in the neighborhood, too. If I see the kids doing something dangerous, I hop right in and stop them - if only because I don't want my kids emulating them. When the kids are young enough - 10 and under, I'd say - they'll usually listen because they don't want you taking the problem to their parents. I don't know about the older kids, though - I'm not there yet. I'll probably get my house egged some day, or turn into the crazy old lady who scares all the neighborhood kids. Of course, I have four kids myself - one a newborn - which means I can't possibly keep track of all of them at once. And I appreciate knowing that other mothers will set them straight instead of letting them misbehave when my attention is directed elsewhere. It's embarrassing, but I prefer to be told if my kid is misbehaving. And when the kids know we're watching out for one another's kids, they tend to behave better. In this particular case, I suppose you could've loudly congratulated your kid for "sharing," even if that wasn't his intention. Then, when the girl returns the bucket, you can thank her and remind her that the rule is that your toys stay by you, because you don't want to lose them. Then, if she wanders away again, you can remind her, "oops, don't forget the rule - Jack's toys stay where we can see them!" And let's hope the mom doesn't take the kids to the pool every day at naptime. Coz then I'd get annoyed... emailfromtheembassy.blogspot.com

Moms At Work

Like a hawk

7/11/2008 at 5:54 am

I would likely be mortified if my daughter were taking other childrens' toys and causing a ruckus...because I watch her like a hawk in public places. I wish all mothers were as vigilant. But since they are not, I have no qualms about politely asking the disruptive child to "behave." www.orlandosentinel.com/momsatwork

Dana

I hate when older kids walk off with my son's beach toys!

7/12/2008 at 1:11 pm

Recently, I took Dawson to a fairly quiet beach and placed his bucket, shovel and other beach toys in the sand while I put sunscreen on him. No sooner than I lathered up, a much older child (she was at least 7 or 8, and my son is not yet 4) came over and asked if she could play with Dawson. Of course, I said yes, but then she grabbed his toys and walked over to wherer her parents were sitting, halfway across the beach. Her parents didn't say a word or acknowledge the fact that she had someone else's toys in her hands. I had to go over to this family and politely say, "Dawson is more than happy to share his toys, but you'll need to come over by him to play." The mother looked at me as if I had a lot of nerve to request my child's toys back. I was furious, yet trying to smile and be polite. When the little girl didn't make any attempt to bring the toys back, her mother said to me, "Well maybe you can bring your son over to this side of the beach?" I politely declined and told her we were already situated where we were and that I'd would be pleased to have my 4-year-old's toys so he could play with them. What makes me mad is that I FELT GUILTY for going over there. Either I'm too nice or I'm a push over. I got the toys back, but this mother glared at me the rest of the day.

Little-Mama

I'm trying to figure it out myself??

7/13/2008 at 10:43 pm

I am unsure about playground/pool etiquete especially when there are personal possesions involved. I encourage my daughter(4) to share but I also have to discourage her from playing with other childrens toys if the other kid doesn't want to share. It has to be confusing to her because it's a mixed message. Other complications come in when the children are different ages or you are not sure what the other parents opinion is on the situation. I brought my daughter to the wading pool for the first time and we did not bring any toys along with us. One mother was there with her two toddlers boy about 18months and girl maybe 3. The whole pool was literally filled with between 20-40 toys; from barbies, matchbox cars, water wings, goggles, toy trucks, balls. ect. Of course my daughter couldn't help herself to want to play too, but every time she picked something up the little girl said "this is mine" or "this is my brothers". I wasn't really sure how involved I should get. I've actually noticed that alot of kids take authority better from an adult besides thier primary caregiver and I often want to help the other parent by telling the child they aren't being nice but I don't want to run into one of those over protective mothers and hear "Don't you dare tell my child what to do"(or "talk to my child like that")

Princess Leia

Other Possibilities

7/18/2008 at 6:56 pm

As someone who is _FINALLY_ seeing the lght at the end of "morning" sickness (that lasted all day and required medicine to keep me able to sit upright for most of the day), keep in mind that there may be other circumstances involved. Granted, I would never let my son wander around a pool by himself (he's 18 months), but I _have_ let him play on a toddler playground on his own as I sat on the sidelines, trying not to wretch. When he was in trouble (taking turns on slides, falling down, etc.), I'd get up and help, but the rest of the time I needed to sit down. The poor kid had been cooped up with me for a couple of months, so I did what I could to get him some sunshine. I know that's not the main point of your post, but sometimes us sideliners are really trying to do what's best for our littles in the only way possible. Believe me when I say that we appreciate the more mobile mommies (and daddies) who are able to help (and correct) ours when they need it and we're not right there with them.