An Open Letter to the Growling Lady in IKEA

Dear Growling Lady in Ikea,

My son Magoo thinks he's a Dide-O-Swear, specifically a T-Rex. Since I don't allow him to eat people or tear goats to shreds, the only way he can express his Rex-ishness is to growl ferociously at unsuspecting strangers.

A fearsome T-Rex

He chooses his victims carefully and points to them saying, “I ken git em!" Then he either throws his body towards them from his seat in the cart or runs directly at them with his arms extended and his fingers spread like little claws.

My reactions to his behavior are not consistent. They vary with his loudness, my current mood and the way the strangers react. Every victim's reaction is different. Some people are genuinely startled, while others can tell he's up to something by the gleam in his eyes before he pounces. Post-shock, they usually range from mild amusement to judgmental annoyance. In my heart I wish everyone would just play along with him and feed off his utter glee.

Today as we walked into IKEA, he was at his prehistoric best. You watched as he growled at the man ahead of you. The victim let his face crack into half a smile and moved on.

Then he spotted you, an easy mark. There you were, a well-dressed middle-aged Asian woman walking with a purpose and a grimace on your face. He crouched down low and made his approach with talons out.

You did the best thing I could have imagined, short of body-slamming him to the ground. You suddenly bent down to meet his stance, rushed towards him with a huge grin on your face and let out an unbelievably loud growl for a grown woman to make in a public place. He crumpled into a giggling heap on the cement and you grinned and went on your way.

I want to let you know that I like you greatly and it is because of the great like I have for you that I refrained from embarrassing you by kissing you right on the nose. Thank you!

Love,

Mama Dide-O-Swear

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