Martian Babies

By Daring Young Mom on Friday, May 9, 6:00 am EDT

Toxic toys?

I would like to preface this post with the emphatic announcement that I am NOT PREGNANT! Not even a bit. Laylee may think otherwise. Laylee may tell people otherwise. My abdominal region may hint otherwise but the truth is, I am not currently with child.

I do however have a bit of a gut issue and all the cute shirts you can buy today look like maternity tops. I think some designer somewhere sits back and laughs with giddy glee every time she ships off another shirt that will have people asking unsuspecting women when their paunch is due. I wish my flab were going to be delivered but chances are good that it will remain happily nestled beneath my girls for some time to come. My girls like it, gives them a comfortable place to rest.

This weekend we went to a Green Power Baby Shower, kind of like a Black Panther rally for Martian babies, only not. It was an expo in Seattle where vendors shared products and services that are environmentally responsible and non-toxic. The target demographic was expectant mothers and although I'm not currently expecting, I expect to be at some point in the next 20 years. And I'm trying to be more green and non-toxic and smell bad and all that jazz.

Well, I didn't consider the target demographic for the expo when I chose my outfit for the day. I could not have looked more pregnant if I were pregnant and I got comments all along my way.

"When are you due?"

"It's tiring to carry around that extra weight all the time, eh?"

"That is the cutest maternity top I've ever seen."

"When your baby comes..."

It was awesome. So I just smiled, nodded, stuck my belly out and patted the "baby". When I do get pregnant, he's gonna have a nice comfy home there. My midsection is actually quite accommodating.

Learning to Lactate... for the baby

Hydrating... for the baby

Drinking milk... for the baby

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Elizabeth

HI-LARIOUS!

5/9/2008 at 10:06 am

I loved this post, Kathryn. OMG how often I have experienced this. The pics are fabulous and you do ... GLOW. :)

Christina

I feel your pain...

5/9/2008 at 10:22 am

I had my baby girl almost 4 months ago and I have tried SO HARD to stay away from those tops. But they are really cute and so many designers make them that way. You should see the looks I get pushing my 4 month old around in her stroller and looking like I am about to have another one!!

Lynette

Amen, sister. My youngest

5/9/2008 at 10:56 am

Amen, sister. My youngest is 3, and thanks to him I have "diastasis recti", which means my abdominal muscles have moved away from each other a bit, so my midsection looks wider (and more accommodating for any pregnancies I'm no longer going to have). Plus, I have the extra weight still. My 8 year old likes to come up and kiss my belly as if I am pregnant. Yeah, he's out of the will.

Stephanie

I bought a shirt once

5/9/2008 at 12:15 pm

I bought a shirt once without trying it on, and my sister-in-law was like, "You look pregnant." I took it back.

Shannon

I am SO right there with you!

5/9/2008 at 1:38 pm

I love all these pretty tops when they're on the hanger in the store.. then I try them on and realize, WTF? I know that being knocked up is very trendy these days, however, I don't think an entire generation of women wants to give everyone the impression we're with child when we in fact are not. It can be awkward, especially when on one's fourth margarita and getting the stink-eye from various other folks in the bar. I love that you played along, heh, you are more evil than I had given you credit for. Very nice.

Shanna

I have been there

5/9/2008 at 2:05 pm

I have a ton of those tops too. I love them and I hate them! I have always carried my weight in my mid section but after I had my son, I just never deflated! In fact I am currently larger than I was through much of my pregnancy. But those tops are a life saver, sometimes. If you can find the right one, you look cute and trendy but every once in a while you look very. very. pregnant. Especially if you find yourself in the wrong place, like at a kids clothing swap for snooty, suburban moms... lets just say I left early. It is endlessly frustrating trying to decide what is better, looking pregnant or just looking fat. UGH!

Mother of the Wild Boys

I totally understand! I

5/9/2008 at 2:07 pm

I totally understand! I wore the cutest top last week, and now there's a rumor going around that I have a bun in the oven! Why is it that the "maternity tops" are in style for those who are not preggers, and the skin-tight belly shirts are in style for the ones who are prego?! I need a sign to wear on my back or something...maybe it could say "It's not a baby, it's just fat." or "I'm not eating for two, but my paunch says otherwise". :)

All Adither

The "empire-waisted" shirts

5/9/2008 at 2:41 pm

I resisted these at first, but have learned to love how forgiving they are.

Shalee

Ummm, no...

5/9/2008 at 3:45 pm

For this very reason do I not embrace those tops. That's exactly what I don't want anyone else thinking. It's bad enough that I think that I look slightly prego when nekked. I don't want to add to the fuel of giving anyone anything to talk about! You, Kathryn, have a much more forgiving nature than I. That is why I read you - so that I can learn from your wisdom.

Jamie

I'm a chicken.

5/9/2008 at 9:36 pm

I have a dressy black top of the same variety hanging in my closet, which I have not yet worn in public for this very reason. Giving birth twice has not made any improvements to my girlish figure -- I can't afford to have my wardrobe conspiring against me, too. Way to go along with the cheerfully misguided questions, though. :) When IS your imaginary baby due, anyhow?

Carrie

OMG - I love you. And I saw

5/10/2008 at 2:54 am

OMG - I love you. And I saw you just a few weeks ago, you do not look preggos. And I also have a few tops like that, and they ARE cute, and they don't hug my gut and that's why I like them. I should probably just stick a pillow under there so that I look just about ready to pop - just so I don't look only 6 months along. Hee, hee.

Brigitte

I'm forced to embrace those tops

5/10/2008 at 6:48 am

Even before pregnancy, I always had a gut that stuck out further than my nonexistent chest. It is worse now that I'm post-child and overweight, but with my odd body shape, I don't think I CAN wear anything else! Though, yes, you do get that "stink-eye" when indulging sometimes, like Shannon said ;-)

heffalump

I like to look at people

5/10/2008 at 12:10 pm

I like to look at people with a straight face when they ask and tell them "I'm not pregnant, I am just FAT." I enjoy their embarrassment somehow. Another favorite used to be "In two years" when they asked when my baby was due. Now that I am actually pregnant I have found it interesting that no one really started asking me if I was pregnant or when I was due until a week or so ago, now that I only have one month to go. Maybe this time around I just look fat and not pregnant.

Sketchy

I have to confess that once

5/10/2008 at 12:19 pm

I have to confess that once when I was really in a hurry I parked in a space reserved for "pregnant or new mothers" and stuck my tummy out a little bit. I know. But it was really late at night and those new mothers should be home taking care of their babies not out at night at the grocery store keeping them up and not developing a good bedtime routine. Really don't they want them to ever go to bed at night. And the real pregnant women should be home putting their feet up. Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

Beck

OH SWEETIE. I think you look

5/10/2008 at 3:42 pm

OH SWEETIE. I think you look great. But I totally feel for you - two people asked me last night when my due date is. Three years ago, people.

Stephanie

Hilarious!

5/10/2008 at 7:51 pm

You are hilarious! My daughter is 10 months old, and just the other day I was filling out forms at a new doctor's office, when the receptionist eyed my stomach, looked at the baby on my hip, looked back at my stomach and declared "well my goodness, you HAVE been BUSY!!!!" Um, if you mean busy with the eating and the NOT losing the baby flab, then yes, you are correct ma'am. If you mean busy with the getting knocked up twice in one year, then nooo. But thank you, I feel extra awesome now.

Brandy

I know how you feel!

5/12/2008 at 10:40 am

My husband asked me and our 4 month old to walk 9 holes with him one evening and I was wearing one of those horrid tops and this man came up to me and said "WOW! You sure are having them close together! I'll have to congratulate your husband!" I just said thanks and walked off, I couldn't bear to just admit I was just fat. So much for the casual stroll, my daughter saw the golf course at a much faster rate of speed that evening!

Mitzi

So Glad I'm Not the Only One!!

5/14/2008 at 9:32 pm

I am so glad to hear that I'm not the only person that has experienced this! I manage a retail baby store and I can't even count how many times ladies have asked when my baby is due or commented on how cute my maternity top is!! I'm not even nice about it anymore. I immediately tell people that I am not pregnant. Maybe that will make them stop and think before they make the assumption someone is pregnant when really it's just a little extra belly or a flowing top!!

Anonymous

Behaviour of 7 year old boy taking pictures of private area

5/22/2008 at 6:20 am

My wife recently found nude pictures that our 7 year old son took of his penis on her cellphone.We immediately suspected foul play and that he may have gotten the idea from his erstwhile nephew. This now appears highly unlikely. We inquired with him but we get the impression it was all his doings. He cried when we asked him about this but this may be because he is embarresed/knew he is in for discipline from wrongdoing? Is this innocent experimentation or is there cause for concern?

Anonymous

Behaviour of 7 year old boy taking pictures of private area

5/22/2008 at 6:20 am