Fear of Death: How to Talk About it With Your Pre-schooler, Even When You Don't Want To

I also like to point out the reasons that statistically, some people die. I talk about illness in old age, staying healthy, wearing seat belts, etc. My kids' quickly turned from fear of themselves dying to fears of my husband and I dying. I explained to that that although it was possible that it could happen at any time, that mommy and daddy, again, wear seat belts, we try to eat well and exercise, we go to the doctor for check-ups and take our medicine when we need to, and we always use safety equipment for sports or work. I think letting them know that there are some ways to be proactive instead of reactive can help. And I think you're right...this is all tied to the other fear kids have: "Who will take care of me after I die?" There is an feeling that "If I'm not here, I must be somewhere, and when I'm there, who will take care of me?" That's a tricky question, but according to religion or other beliefs, I think that's another question that should be answered as best we can. Ultimately, I think little kids want to know that they will be in some place of love and safety, and I'm personally okay with stories that help answer that fear of being alone in a way that children can understand according to their age and stage. Kids naturally begin to move from literal to figurative as they get older, and any explanations can be expanded upon or re-visited as the questions get revisited and the more simple answers of younger childhood are not enough. Honestly, I'm revisiting many of these questions myself at 43 years old.

This is so hard. We lost a baby at full-term just 2 weeks before our daughter turned 3. At that time, her questions were along the lines of, "Can we get another baby?" and "Can we go up to heaven in an airplane to see him?" A year or two later the questions turned into, "What happens after I die?" and "Please don't bury me in the ground" and "I don't want to die" fears and screaming sessions. So, so hard. We told her about heaven (though we're not sure what we believe in the respect, we do go to church and have a somewhat shaky religious foundation), promised her she wouldn't die for a long, long time, and that there are people who will take care of her if anything should happen to us. It's not easy. Whatever we said worked, however, at least for now, though I anticipate more questions eventually. I have a book that I just love, called The Next Place, by Warren Hanson--it is just phenomenal, at least for me. (Though it makes me cry every time.) Gorgeous pictures, reassuring tone, though no "answers." That's not a solution for you, I know, but just keep being reassuring. I think it's all one can really do.

I found your post googling "childhood fear of death" because my five yo daughter is doing exactly the same thing and it is incredibly painful. I want to take the fear away and i blame myself because i explained too much about death when her grandad (whom she seldom saw) died. It's so awful, isn't it? She cries so hard and says things like "Can I be the same box as you" and "Will you be able to cuddle me when I'm dead" and no amount of teling her how far away it is or that she'll understand more when she's older is gonna help this. She cannot concieve of not existing (and we have no belief in an afterlife)and to her perception at some point she will die and either be burnt or buried forever and she thinks she will be aware of this and it's terrifying. Has your daughter always been sensitive? We have to keep mine away from the news or talk of disibility or we have floods of tears and i end up inventing another "chapter" to whatever she's heard that makes it turn out well! I worry because my mother and grandfather have suffered from mental health problems and mood disorders. I don't but i think that's partly cos I'm really determined not to having had to be a child carer to my mother! I really hope my little girl is not going to have these sorts of problem but am probably getting ahead of myself. The advice I have read in the past couple of days about this is that it is not uncommon and does usually pass in weeks or months, that it's often a sign of high intelligence because the childs cognitive understanding exceeds their emotional maturity and that the best thing to do is to explain the biological facts of death because the child will probably not be asking about the philosophical or spiritual facets of it. That does not really tell us how to reassure our little girls who have just realised they are not immortal and are frightened about it because it is a frightening realisation. On the plus side I personally remember learning about death and feeling cold and numb inside (I cannot say for how long. My mother didn't notice) but then suddenly realising that it takes so long to grow up (in a childs mind) that it was as though it would never happen and genuinely getting over it just like that and never worrying about it again. I've noticed it's been several weeks since you posted that. How is your daughter now? Mine first learned of death in February and was upset then but it's been coming and going since with this last episode being the most upsetting. I think that is because her vocabulary has just really taken off tho so she can express her feelings that much better. Hope your little girl has come to terms with it better now.

I have come across your discussion in response to a Google search. I did the search because my eight year old daughter has recently expressed the very same thoughts. We have been aware for some time that she has not been totally at ease with going to bed - it's actually quite hard to get her to sleep in her own room, and when she does she needs the radio or some other sound, or a light in the hall etc. And just very recently she actually articulated very similar fears to those mentioned above. The fears are not that she might die in the night, or get knocked down or whatever - you can re-assure against these fears as recommended by Jozet above with talks about safety and healthy lifestyle. But I think what we are facing here is the fear that is engendered when one realises that, come what may, one is going to die. How do you reassure against that? This development is particularly painful because I have suffered from this all my life. Though I have learned to "Crush that thought, crush that thought, crush that thought," it is something that I have had to do throughout life, and I know that it is always there, ready to pounce and assail me. I suppose this has many of the characteristics of a phobia and would like to be cured - but most phobias are cured by learning that the object is actually harmless. My biggest fear at the moment is that my daughter is showing the first signs of the same long lasting condition. Your posts have reassured me to some extent that it may be a part of natural development. Does anyone know where the best place to go would be for expert professional advice on the subject?

Based on your own advice to your daughter "I told her she is stronger than her thoughts and that focusing on gratitude for the day, for our loved ones, for the cool stuff we'll do tomorrow", I think you are doing just fine on your own. I can tell that you are very well thought out in what you choose to say to her. Always trust your motherly instinct and I bet that you deal with these kind of tough questions better than most.