Deep Thoughts

Checkup

By Daring Young Mom on Friday, May 16, 6:00 am EDT

I'm too dependent on praise. I want someone to pat me on the head and say "Good girl!" I want to feel that people like me and that they think I'm doing a good job. It's nice to feel good about myself but I really want other people to like me too.

This extends to my kids. I love it when people like my kids or when they tell me they're doing well. I even feel a warm sense of pride when they're doing well developmentally. At doctor's appointments or parent teacher conferences, I'm thrilled to hear that they're behaving properly or even that they're doing the right things for their age and stage.

This is of course mostly because I want them to be happy successful people who can walk when their friends are walking, read when they're supposed to be reading and say the letter L properly. But there's a teensy part of me that feels an irrational sense of pride and accomplishment when my babies blow raspberries a month before it says "blows raspberries" on the chart as though their spit-acular accomplishments are a reflection of my worth.

I know it's ridiculous and unfounded and even detrimental to my and their happiness because what happens when they DON'T blow raspberries on time? Does that mean I'm a failure or that my child is a dud? Certainly not. And yet, I feel the pride when they're ahead of the curve.

This week I took Laylee in for her 5-year-old checkup. The doctor asked her to copy some shapes on a paper, write her name and then draw a picture of her mom. I was excited. "She totally knows how to write her name – first AND last. The shape copying is kind of touch and go. But her picture of me will ROCK HIS WORLD! We've got this thing in the BAG!" I thought.

I read dinosaur stories to Magoo as she went to work on her little assignment but out of the corner of my eye I couldn't help watching her and cheering her on in my head. I wanted her to knock it out of the park and have the doctor blown away by her developmental greatness. And she did fine. He even used the magic words – Kindergarten Ready. I was pleased. I beamed with pride. I felt validated even while acknowledging that this had nothing to do with me.

Then came the hearing test. Not so good. Laylee's had a ton of ear infections in her short life and her hearing's not as strong as it should be. It worries me. I fret and wonder if I should somehow have taken better care of her ears, I'm not sure how. I don't want her to have any limits on how she experiences the world.

The hearing test was the wakeup call I needed. It reminded me that I just want her to be happy and healthy and feel good about herself. None of this has anything to do with me besides reminding me how much I love her.

_____

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Carrie

The whole "praise for doing

5/16/2008 at 11:30 am

The whole "praise for doing things well" is one of the reasons why I love working part-time- people actually give me positive feedback on things. The husband and baby... not so much. Again, sorry to hear about Laylee's diagnosis- sounds like you're handling it really well though. And congrats to her on being kindergarten ready- such fun times in her future!

Anonymous

That's so true! I get the

5/16/2008 at 4:10 pm

That's so true! I get the same feelings. It's good to know you're trying hard to be a good mom too. Good job you!

Brigitte

I sometimes have to . .

5/17/2008 at 7:28 am

I sometimes have to laugh at myself, because I'll hold on to the stuff where my child is doing great, even ahead of the curve, and feel validated and full of pride. But I'll ignore things like the fact that it took her until about 16 months old to walk!

All Adither

I'm addicted to Praise too

5/17/2008 at 8:55 am

I'm hoping not to pass this trait on to my kids. Much. But. I think it's human nature to like the positive feedback. And I don't believe in the parenting mantra that says we shouldn't praise our kids. They'll get enough hard knocks out there in the real world. And I have a bursting need to tell them when I think they've done well.

Beth

Yup, Me Too

5/17/2008 at 10:03 am

I have a hard time not needing that praise-through-my-kids, too. When my pediatrician told me she was "very concerned" about when my two-week-old wasn't gaining much weight I took it pretty personally; same thing when the librarian told me that my three-year-old has a "problem listening" (even though I am the first to admit that most days). *sigh* Hope everything with Laylee's ears works out ... and she enjoys Kindergarten! (I'm sure she will!)

grammyelin

In response to All Adither's

5/17/2008 at 12:50 pm

In response to All Adither's comment, I'm not sure what idiot started proporting the theory that parents shouldn't praise their children, but that is the lamest thing that I have ever heard. Of course we must correct our children at times, but I believe - with all my heart - that is it a mother's job to nurture, build and praise her children. We have these little sweethearts in our homes and under our influence for such a short time that we must catch them being good and shower them with praise. We need to build their confidence in their abilities, their intrinsic goodness and in our love. There is simply no such thing as too many kissess, too many hugs, too much quality time spent together, or too much praise. It is every child's right to feel safe and loved and appreciated in their family and we have a responsibility to see that they do. K. It is only natural to feel pride in our children and their accomplishments (after all they really are an extension of ourselves). Just think how proud I am of you! You're doing a GREAT job!

Marian

It's so easy to be a praise

5/17/2008 at 3:54 pm

It's so easy to be a praise junkie, and full time mothering is not good place for that addiction! =) The way we tend to view kids' accomplishments as parental report cards is just so unbalanced. Yes, what we do and don't do has profoundly significant effect, but it's also very true that kids really do come into life with different aptitudes, abilities, personalities and inborn developmental timetables. Really, they do, regardless of pre-natal nutrition, Mozart in utero, or any other parenting practice later on. It's good and natural to delight in our children and route for them but, desperate for affirmation, we've ascribed a little too much to ourselves. The ugly flip side of all this is that, inevitably, we'll end up trying to build ourselves up by knocking others down. It's human nature. It may be only inwardly, but eventually it comes out. Parents desparate to find affirmation and beef up their pride can be brutal, subtly and not, actively and passively, to other parents. I've hated being the victim of that over and over again. My first child (who, it turned out, has autism and other difficulties) was significantly delayed on most measures of development. I can't tell you how many times I heard things like, "Of course he's not walking yet because you must just be carrying him all the time." (Of course, people did see me carry him a lot in public-- hello! because you can't put your baby down to crawl through the mall or down a city sidewalk!-- and saw it as confirmation. Never mind that we worked very hard with him in his development every single day behind closed doors.) And so on in every area. Three subsequent babies have proved that I am, in fact, quite competent in aiding the development and abilities of my children, but the feelings from all of those judgements linger. Parents, let's give each other grace! Let's give each other encouragement in the things that really matter. Whatever Laylee's hearing abilities, I'm sure that you'll be the kind of wonderful loving parent who helps her to be all that she was intended to be. Thanks for your post.

sueann

toddlers and the games they play

5/20/2008 at 12:04 pm

I have a 4 and 3 year old girls who have started playing boyfriend and girlfriend not sure how they know about the subject but they hug and kiss and have now started taking off clothes. I need help i dont know how to handle this problem.Please HELP!!!!!!!