Are You Potty Ready?

I’ve seen all kinds of checklists of how you can tell if your child is read to be potty trained. Does he stay dry for long periods of time? Does he show interest in using the toilet? Has he become intolerant towards wet or messy diapers? Does he behave strangely when he’s about to unleash the fury of his adult-smelling bowels?

The lists are all fairly similar and I’ve noticed that Magoo is exhibiting nearly all the signs of potty-readiness. But personally I am not ready to begin the process. Where’s the checklist to see if the parent is ready? I’ve never seen one of those. So I guess I’ll have to make one up.

1. Are you about to give birth to a new baby, at which time you will have 3 children still in diapers?
2. Do you enjoy playing “Find the Urine,” the raucous game where you find yourself walking around the house with your nose sticking out, sniffing to find out where the puddle is?
3. As you’re driving around town, do you find yourself wishing you could stop every 10 minutes to play Russian Roulette with your family’s health by visiting ANOTHER gas station restroom?
4. Do you feel that it’s been way too long since you’ve had a nice visit to the Target ladies room? And the Safeway ladies room? And the one at the mall? And at Home Depot? And Costco?
5. Do you wish you could spend less time eating chocolate and more time sitting on the bathroom floor reading stories to a small person who lives on the toilet?
6. Do you sometimes lay awake in bed trying to think of new uses for household cleaners?
7. Do you adore the sound of your own voice saying “Are you wet or dry? DRY!? OOOOoooo! You’re such a big boy. If you have any pee pee, where does it go? That’s RIGHT! In the toilet!! Now are you wet or dry? STILL DRY!!!??” in an infinite loop?

If you answered yes to three or more of these questions, you may be ready to begin potty training your child.