I still haven't gotten my period.

I knew I might be late this month because I assumed the vacation we took would throw off my cycle...but I'm pretty late now.

Every time I use the bathroom these days I make a silent wish (before I check my underwear) that I haven't gotten my period. When I see I'm in the clear, I breathe a mini sigh of relief.

I can't help but be a little hopeful. I hardly even want to admit it to myself.

Still, I've been preparing my husband for my period.

I'm depressed. I'm sure I'm getting my period. My boobs are sore, I have a headache, and I picked a fight with my husband this morning (something about him not being romantic enough, which was actually unfounded).

And did I mention that everyone on the subway is pregnant? All of these women have burst onto the scene lately, flaunting their big bellies to the world. It makes sense that I'd see more pregnant tummies in the summer — when they aren't covered up by winter jackets — but sometimes I feel like these women are just showing off.

I got my period. I'm not gonna lie — I'm disappointed. I know, I know, it was unlikely I'd get pregnant on our first try. But hey, it was a possibility. We did have sex a million times last month — we gave those sperm plenty of chances.

Rationally, I know that getting pregnant can take a long time, but I didn't realize until after I got my period this morning just how much I was hoping I was pregnant. I mean, each time I took my prenatal vitamins over the last two weeks, I really thought, maybe this is helping a fetus right now. Turns out it was just more nutrients for me.

But I had every warning I was getting my period: I was depressed and on the verge of tears on Friday (classic PMS for me); my boobs were sore (also PMS for me, but I was hoping it was pregnancy boob soreness and not period boob soreness); and I was eating like a maniac (again, typical PMS for me).

So it shouldn't have been a surprise that I got my period. And it wasn't. But I'm still sad.

My husband isn't nearly as disappointed as I am.

I got my period. Mind you, we haven't started "trying" yet, so this wasn't a disappointment. In fact, it was the opposite. Ever since I stopped taking the pill in late January, getting my period (one that has nothing to do with a hormonal birth control pill cycle), has been kind of exciting — especially the first time. I swear, when I saw those little red drops on my underwear again, I felt some of the same excitement and empowering feelings of "being a woman" that I felt the first time I got my period at 13.