I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. The thoughts of this being the "last" are significant to a woman and something to process slowly and on their own. I don't mean to offer this as advice, just sharing what happened with me... My third pregnancy was very difficult, with issues that would only show up again in any subsequent pregnancies, and even be potentially dangerous. I wasn't ready to say, "That was the last," but my husband did. It takes two, so that was that. I just put all of it out of my mind and plowed into raising my children and new baby. While nursing that 5 month old baby one night, out of the blue, God spoke to me: "Remember how you always wondered as a kid if you'd adopt? And how your husband, who used to say he'd never adopt, told you just last year that he'd started to think differently, and that "maybe" someday" you would? How about now?" Later in my seaching process he added: "You know how you have a love for orphans and for Africa that has bubbled up in various ways and at various times throughout your life? There's someone there whom I have prepared a place for here, in your family..." It wasn't my grand scheme. It was just what He put together in His time. I wonder if I'd have somehow missed it if the pregnancy path were not a little rocky... Adoption may never be in God's plans for you, but I just wanted to share that. I wish you a happy day tomorrow. =)