need behavior advice for almost 3 yr old

[lleitch]

Hi, My almost 3 year old daughter (Katie) is being very defiant about getting dressed/undressed - she does not want my assistance - Katie do it - yet she does not respond to me asking her to get dressed. Note: She has limited verbal communication due to a speech delay. This morning, it took over 1/2 hr and lots of crying etc. before she finally would get dressed. Any advice on what the best way to handle this situation is? She is also not potty trained yet so I do not want to leave her diaper-less for any long periods of time. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! She also only does this with me - not with her father or daycare provider.

[jkhbmom]

My daughter went through the same thing about getting dressed. We had a very limited amount of time in the mornings for her to get dressed so we could be on our way. I finally started having her pick out what she wanted to wear the next day before she went to bed the night before. She liked doing that and she also knew what to do once she woke up. She started getting up and getting dressed on her own by knowing exactly what she was wearing already.

[sarahdennisscott]

I would give her 5 minutes to do it herself. Set a kitchen timer. If she hasn't done it by then. Do it for her no matter how big of a fuss she makes.

Since she is only doing it with you, you especially need to make a point that YOU ARE IN CHARGE! I am suprised you gave her 30 minutes!!

[TrubearJ]

My son refuses to do things with me that he freely does with his step dad. Our solution? My husband supports me. When there is a struggle between my son and myself, he'll talk with my son about listening to me. Since my son listens better to him, he's started doing more things for me. One other thing...someone posted about having your child picking out their own clothes. This is a wonderful idea. Do it and you just might see your child more excited about getting dressed.

[ChaumtoliHuq]

My son was the same way around that same age (he is 4 now). In addition to allowing him to pick his clothes the night before (even if sometimes they didnt match), I gave him a set time to get dressed in the morning. If he didn't listen, then I would talk him through the fact that if he didnt get dressed on his own then I would have do it and that he wouldn't like it. This may help to articulate how your daughter feels since she is speech delayed. There may be some frustration which she is probably not able to communicate and its helps if you as the parent give her the tools to say its okay to be frustrated and that helping her is not failure for her. Maybe you can compromise and allow to put on one article of clothing and you do the rest. For my son, he is extremely independent and giving him some control took away some of our morning struggles.

[alwaysAJ]

I have to say, I agree with all of you. All of my children went through that stage, some sooner than others. It is the unfortunate side-effect of independant thinking. Wait, I'm still in this stage with my almost 2 year old. Only hers has more to do with wanting to buckle herself into her high chair, or her car seat, etc. I try to have patience, but after sitting there watching her try over and over for several minutes, I can't stop myself from doing it for her. I do let her help me pick out her clothes, but I give her limited options. For instance, I pick out 2 shirts, and then I ask her "Kodi, which shirt do you want?" She'll pick one. I use this same tactic with pants, dresses, and shoes. Heck, she's so helpful, she'll pick out my shoes for me too (sigh...). :) Let her have the final say in what she wears, but limit what she can choose from. Otherwise, she may have difficulty making the decision (hey, we have difficulty choosing what to wear sometimes, too!) which could explain (maybe) why it takes her so long.
What is your husband doing when he's getting her ready in the morning? You may need your husband to stand by your side a few times while you "lay down the law" so she knows you are presenting a united front and that she must respect what you say.

As for potty training, have no fear. She'll pick it up when she's ready. I totally understand not wanting to let her run around, though. I did try it, I'll admit, but it didn't do me any good--my kids would just pee or poop on the floor and move on as if nothing happened. So I started leaving a diaper on them, and they began to indicate to me when they wanted to go to the bathroom. Eventually she will tire of the wet feeling on her butt, too--which will prompt her to want to use the toilet to avoid running around with a dirty diaper. Just don't run to change her diaper or training pants immediately after she goes in them. Wait a *few* minutes (unless she has diarreah, you do want to change that immediately), say 10 minutes, or whatever you feel comfortable with. But you want it to be long enough that she is a little uncomfortable. I would not recommend this tactic unless your child is showing signs that he or she can hold their pee and poop at will. By age 3, she should be doing this just fine. But only you know what your child is capable of and what milestones she has reached.

I have a friend who's 4 yr old son repeatedly pooped his diaper at preschool. She would have to go pick him up (why the preschool couldn't handle it is beyond me). Sounds mean, but I almost told her to let him sit in it for awhile--he'll learn. I don't mean let him sit in it until it makes his butt raw. But just long enough so that he realizes his pooping isn't going to make her come running when he wants her to. It was a power struggle that she was loosing (he was perfectly capable of using the potty to go poop when he wanted to). I think she eventually figured it out on her own, and he is now fully potty trained. Giving unsolicited advice has always been a touchy subject, so I try not to give unless asked. But I also don't feel that my methods are the "right" way or the only way. It is just what worked for me. I hope you find something that works for you!

[lena241]

Letting them pick the clothes is a great idea. When we had this struggle with my daughter, letting her choose helped. She still picks shorts or skirt, pants or sweats. Although I make the ultimate outfit decision, she has a choice. My daughter has to be well dressed to leave the house.

I am by no means a mean mom, but after 5 minutes, in a time crunch, she has no choice but to get dressed. If she doesnt do it willingly, then I do it for her. These are little kids we are talking about. Although they want and we want to give them independance, we and they have to remember who is in control. I know I am bigger and stronger than her, and they are just tears. Get her dressed and move on!

Some parents let these little people rule thier lives, sometimes we just have to show them who is the BOSS! She will get over it in a minute, and you'll be on to your next struggle of the day, what to have for breakfast, carring her rather than her walking, not wanting to get in the car seat, etc. We working moms just dont have time for these games, and thats what they are, Power Struggles!

Dont be afraid to carrying the kicking, screaming kid out to the car. Just do it with a smile on your face, and your neighbors, the grocer, should have sympathy for you!

This just gave me an idea for a new thread!