thoughts of an infertile girl....

[bunches2484]

I'm new here, but not new to fertility treatments. Although my husband and I have opted to skip IUI and move straight to IVF, I'm still nervous about all of this. I want it to work, I have this real fear that it's not going to result in a baby. I'll be 36 this year, and have never been pregnant. We started actively persuing having a baby over two years ago. I'm not frustrated about it, and I don't usually rack my nerves concentrating on it too much. But here lately (or whenever I'm around kids), I can't help feel the need of having my own children. Not growing up around a lot of kids, and then not being exposed to other peoples children hardly at all, I feel a terror sometimes in thought of raising children for myself.
Some say this will go away with time and others say don't worry about, when they are your own, it will come to you. I know I will be a good mother. I've always taken care of those around me. It's almost like God knew I'd need some experiences most don't have to endure. So in this vein of thought, I can't help but think that all these experiences will be wasted. All the lessons that I've learned will die with me?
I've kept a written journal since I was 18, so this blogging thing is new to me. If you read this and it sounds like I am all over the place, please forgive. This is how my brain works my issues out.

[katielynn]

It's so hard when you have been trying for so long with no luck, but it doesn't mean that all hope is lost. I'm sure that you will be an amazing mom someday (soon, hopefully!) and that all of these life lessons will come in handy.

Keep the faith. Sometimes it really does take a while, and even if worse comes to worse, and you can't get pregnant (though it is way too early to make that call) - there are other options.

Let us know how it goes with IVF.

[stullpj]

I, too, deal with infertility issues. I am new to this website as well. I have been married for 7 years and have never gotten pregnant. Now almost 34, I have run the gammot of all of the feelings that come with the inability to have children. I never wanted children as a "twenty-something", but in my early 30s it's like the biological clock started to go off :) I started working in the church nursery and doing different things to expose myself to newborns and babies. I've cried my share of tears when the 20 year olds with 2 kids look at me and ask why I don't have kids.

Since I deal with so many female issues, I really didn't feel comfortable with fertility options and so we decided to adopt. My husband and I have adopted 2 wonderful babies right from birth out of the system (CPS). I could not love these two any more. They are mine. They have filled our lives with so much joy (and work) that I really don't care to get pregnant at this point. Now whenever people stare at us (one of my children is Mexican and the other, white) or ask questions, I am less phased by it and gladly share our story. I know that this option is not for everyone. My husband was very understanding in this aspect and did not demand a true flesh-and-blood offspring.

I do admit, however, that it does play on my feelings sometimes that I cannot share the experience of having the joy of the 9 month experience of a child within my womb. But that is only one aspect of bonding with your children. There's that whole part about bonding when they come out!!! :)

It is overwhelming sometimes to think about rearing children. I knew nothing about it before I became a mother, but I'm here to testify that you figure it out real quick!

I hope that you receive the desire of your heart. Remember...if you become pregnant and have a child, by the time they are 2 1/2 you will have to remind yourself that you wanted this!!!! (My boy is now 2 1/2 and I have to constantly remind myself of how I longed to be a mother :) It's all part of the wonderful experience. No matter how you obtain it, I hope you are able to embrace it.

[scrambler4201@yahoo.com]

We are all wishing you luck. I jumped straight to IVF because my husband had a vasectomy. We were due to start last night and our cycle got cancelled. The most frustrating part for me was to let someone else be in charge so I finally had to concede that it is no longer in my hands but in Gods. If you can do that maybe it will take some of the stress off you. You seem to have a good attitude about it so that will help you be successful. Let us know how it turns out :)

[Ash]

Hey there,
I hope everything goes well for you....just hang in there...u are in prayers...I know there is not much I can say to actually help, but when I was going through this just knowing there were other people out there going through it too helped a little...I was told there was a chance I would have a hard time getting pregnant, so my husband and I began trying while we were young to get the best chances....we tried for 2 1/2 years and nothing....so we did 3 cycles of iui and nothing....then we did ivf.....and now I am the proudest mommy of twin boys.. I know it is hard and there are probably many days you feel like giving up, but just have faith and know that there are people out there that understand what you are going through.....best of luck
Ashley

[xian]

hi!

My fiance and I tried for two years to get pregnant (we went through nearly a year's worth of Clomid to make it happen). My advice to you is to just *relax* and accept whatever will come your way. When I finally, truly, relaxed, and accepted the things I had been trying to ignore, I found a little soul had blessed me with its presence. Other people's children are *very* different to your own; I used to laugh at this idea when people would tell me that, but it's true. I have two part-time step children, and the bond with them is *nothing* like the bond I have with the child inside me. I have a whole different set of emotions and feelings towards the one I'm carrying. I never thought it would be this way, but it is.

good luck!

[mgalvan]

Hi, my husband and I were trying for a little over 2 years, after many negative preganacy tests we decided to go directly for IVF. I know what you are going thru, It is very hard and discouraging after many negative pregancy tests. IVF was the best thing we ever did, thanks to it I have the most beautifull little girl in the whole world. Have faith..... I was afraid that it wouldn't work and it did on the first try. I had 42 eggs fertilized and only one survived !!! You are in my prayers.

[jenn_0629]

It's weird the way things work in this world. Some women can get pregnant effortlessly and some women who desperately want a child, have a harder time. I'm 17 and I'm pregnant with my first child, obviously not trying for one, but I'm so glad that it happened. I love pregnancy (aside from the "morning" sickness.) And I wish luck to you in conceiving, it will happen for you I'm sure.

[nliva77]

Hi, I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I have been trying for the past 3 years. I had a miscarriage 3 years ago and was unable to get pregnant. We tried it all from clomid to accupuncture to artificial, home remedies, and finally IVf. Guess what IVF worked. Im 6 weeks pregnant with twins. I was terrified that it wasn't going to work. I was let down by everything I tried that I went through IVF with the thought that it wasn't going to work. I did it only because it was the only thing left for me to try never did I think it was going to work. I;m still a little scared of loosing them since I had a miscarriage before but Happy that I tried it. why don't you schedule an appointment to see your fertility doctor and ask him questions regarding the procedure I know I did and felt alot better going through with it. I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything turns out ok for you.

[bunches2484]

Hi Ladies,
I just wanted to say thanks for all the warm wishes and am grateful for any prayers.
UPDATE: Since my first posting, my husband and I went through one session of IUI upon my doctors insistance. If failed. We are finding out that not only do I have issues my husband does as well. So, the final step is ICSI IVF. Part of me feels like we never had a chance. That the past few years have been a waste. A waste of money, time, and physical endurance (my ovaries are mad at me!).
Well, all that aside. We've been really considering all the angles of what may happen and what each outcome would mean for us.
Today (i say this because as a woman, we all know our thoughts are only applicable to today), I am at the place where I'm trying not to feel like a monster or that I don't deserve a baby. I've been thinking about the failure of IVF and what we should do then. Do we stop here and consider adoption or do we go another round, or do we just stop and let it go.
Well, I'm thinking we just stop and let it go. I'm not sure I want to adopt. And it's not that I don't want a child, I just really want mine and my husbands child. Does that mean I'd be a monster to an adopted child? I don't think so, but what does that say about my desire to be a mom? God knows the inside of my heart, can he see some difficency that I don't realize. Are these feelings linked to my inability to conceive? I don't know. I'm not sure I would want to know if I could. I just know I have to at least try the IVF and live with the results, good or bad.
Well, like I said, thanks to you all for being here. For listening.
I'll let you all know how it goes.
T.

[emersonblue]

I am so sorry to hear about all your issues and failed attempts. I hope that you do what you feel is best in your heart. I wish you the best regardless of what you choose.