Childless and Depressed

[TaraM]

I think I need some advice. My husband and I can’t have children. He had a vasectomy a few years ago. I am beginning to get depressed now about this as I feel my biological clock is ticking or some strong urge to have a child with the man I love. We have talked about it before but my husband is sure that he does not want to go back and get a reversal surgery done. I hope I am not being selfish in wanting a child, all I know is I feel very depressed at times from this. My depression worsens when I am around my friends that have children or if I go to a store that is selling baby stuff. I will not leave my husband if we can’t have children but I will always feel “empty” inside. Is this normal? Should I seek counseling?

[myboysmom]

Is there a way they could take sperm from your husband and do IVF? Or is he completely against children alltogether? I've always known I wanted kids, since being a teenager, so I personally can't imagine not having any. You could try counseling, but I would say it is more a decision between you and your hubby to figure out if you want kids, is there a way to do it. Adoption perhaps? I'm sorry you're stuck in this position. I hope it gets worked out.

[TaraM]

Hi myboysmom, No he is not against having children, he just doesn't want to be "probed" again by the doctors. He doesn't seem to want to go out of his way to produce a child, for example, weekly or monthly trips to the doctors for sperm count, etc... etc... He says one surgery is enough for him and he doesn't want to go back. What all is involved with IVF? What is the procedure? I don't really know much about how it works or thought about IVF before. Would we pay out-of-pocket for that?

[Casalinga]

Is adoption out of the question? I have several friends who have adopted children from third world countries and have had the most wonderful rewarding experiences.It just makes me so emotional to think of how happy and healthy these children are and how different their lives would have been if they had not been adopted.

Look at Angelina Jolie - and all these other actresses who are doing! Apparently it is the fashionable thing to do too!!! ;)

[TaraM]

I don't know, Casalinga... I guess I should seek counseling... this is not easy for me at all. I would like to learn more about IVF if I can and know what all of our options are out there. Who knows what the future holds...

[myboysmom]

Does your husband know how much this is bothering you? Maybe if you sat down and really talked to him about how badly you want this, you two could come to a conclusion. Why did he get a vasectomy? Does he already have children of his own and felt he was done? Just curious about your history.

[ra11en]

*Big hugs* I can hear the sadness in your words. I'm so sorry for the emptiness you're feeling, and I hope you find a resolution that fits both of your needs. Why did he get the vasectomy in the first place? Like myboysmom asked, does he already have children of his own, and you do not? I know that yearning, it can be sooooo unbearable!! Have you openly shared your feelings with him? My heart breaks for you just from a post, I'm sure he would want to feel that from you as well as your partner in life. Tough situation, I'm so sorry for you!

[TaraM]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I have spoken about this with him before but maybe I haven't given him enough details about my strong feelings. No... he has not ever had any children before... he made the decision to have the vasectomy done because at the time he did not feel that he ever wanted any children. We are in our very early 30's, I work from home, and I feel very ready to have a child. My husband is so good with other people's kids, I know he would make a wonderful father. He has a very good heart, loving nature and a lot of patience.

[ra11en]

You should really talk to him, and let him feel and hear what this really means to you. You did a great job of it here, I'm sure we all felt it in your words! Sit down with him and let him know how serious this is to you, and just how much you're yearning to have his and your child, to see him as a father of your baby. That would be the best first step.

[TaraM]

Well.... I spoke with him... poured my heart out... some tears were shed and it is a no go for him.... he doesn't want to try to have any children. I am feeling so lost right now and can't stop crying. I have to start work soon and get my game face on so I can work... will not be easy for me. Thank you all again for your kind words.

[ra11en]

Well, then I guess your next step is determining how important is it to YOU? Did y'all discuss having children before you were married? People change of course - I'm just curious. Maybe this is coming out of the blue for him and he just needs time to digest it? Are there specific reasons why he doesn't want children? You said he is great with other peoples' children so I take that to mean that he likes children in general.

[TaraM]

Thank you ra11en for talking with me about this… talking about this helps me more than you know. My husband and I had a very long talk last night… our talks went on well into the late evening. I cried the entire time… I just couldn’t stop the tears from coming. I think he knows and feels just how much this hurts me. I had a very hard time working yesterday… and what made it most painful is that ironically enough I had a lot of client calls coming in from women that either had children playing in the background or holding an infant near the phone and I could hear their baby. I expressed to him how much it hurts for me to even hear that. I had to take several breaks while I was working because I would choke up and start crying… I really should of taken the day off. We had not talked about having children when we were first married… we were just so focused on getting by and our careers at the time but now that we are settled and I have a job working from home, it feels just so right for me now to start a family. I expressed this with him also last night. He loves kids… he is great with children. When we are around family or friends with children, he makes it a point to give them lots of attention. He does not want to go back and get a reversal surgery done so we can have children. He did tell me last night that he has heard other people that were able to conceive a child after a vasectomy so he thought that may happen with us… but I know the chances are next to nothing of that happening… it is so rare and I think he knows this too. I asked him last night if he had never had the vasectomy done if he could see me as the mother of his children… at that point… he got very quiet as in deep thought… and he said, “Yes, of course I do… I married you and I love you and I could see you as the mother of my children.” I cry even now just from those words… and I told him how much that meant to me to hear him say that. I am crying now just writing this to you. I don’t exactly know what will happen next. Maybe you are right and he just needs more time to digest this. We are not getting any younger though and although I do not want to rush him… I don’t want to wait too long if we are going to start a family…. We are in our early 30’s.

[ra11en]

My heart breaks for you, I know it must be so emotional and difficult for you. Sounds like you are really opening up with your husband, and he is doing the same with you. That's a huge improvement over just a week ago, right?! And it really sounds like he is just digesting this new yearning you have, which is so difficult for most men since most men don't have the unbelievably loud ticking clock when it comes to having a baby. Keep communicating with him - this negotiation is small compared to the ones you'll have to go through when you do have a baby. :)

I would start doing some research, get informed on what options you have out there. Find facts regarding a reversal; maybe he is so against it because it doesn't know what all it entails. I don't know either, never been through it, but sometimes the fear of something is enough to make us resistant. Maybe the reversal isn't nearly as invasive as he suspects. Maybe a sperm donor from a sperm bank would be another option. Or maybe your husband's sperm can be harvested and used with your egg, a type of IVF? I know you said in an earlier post that adoption was probably out of the question, and I can understand that, but that doesn't mean there are no other options.

You're doing everything you should be doing in my opinion. You're really opening up, and you're making yourself very vulnerable to your husband by expressing your NEED to be a mother. That is a huge step in a marriage!! And from what it sounds like, he is being more receptive than he was being initially. That's great news! I know what you mean about hearing babies in the background and how that drives a knife right through the heart. My husband and I lost our twin sons shortly after they were born (born prematurely). It seemed that everywhere I turned I heard babies on the phone, or everyone in every tv show was pregnant or having a baby, or everywhere I went (store, gas station, etc) there were babies EVERYWHERE! It was just my heightened sense of babies that was increased, not the population of babies. :) Of course knowing that did NOT make it any easier. And knowing we had to wait after we lost them to allow my body and our hearts some healing time didn't help either. The longest 6 months of my life was that time when I wanted only to have a baby but we had to give it time first.

While you're not getting any younger, you certainly aren't anywhere near the OLD category either! When you have a baby, you're life is going to change in ways you can't even begin to imagine. My best advice to you is to find a way to enjoy being childless for now, while you're working through this with your husband and while you're researching ways to have a baby. Make a point to be spontaneous - go see a midnight movie, go out of town on a whim, stay in bed all day long with your husband....so many things that you won't be able to do once the baby arrives. Find those things and try to appreciate them and use them to give you strength right now.

You will get through this!

[Mrs.Lauren]

Why do you think you are being selfish for having a desire for a child?

Did you know he didn't want kids before you and him were married? Because sometimes these things come out before a marriage about your desire for children, and if it never was, it is unfair to you.

Now, although he is against a reversal, is he for adoption? Or is children out of the picture altogether for him?

[cfbell]

I have a friend in a similar situation. She seeks wisdom and counsel from the Bible and godly women around her, and has come to a place on contentment, knowing the Lord is sovereign over all.