View Full Version : I wanted to vent
04-16-2008, 06:09 PM
My husband is wonderful and he's great support. However, I could have punched him last night. I'm a SAHM and I get the feeling that he doesn't understand how stressful it can be. We were sitting on the couch last night and I asked him if he was going to put the dinner away. He sits there and says "I've played with J and now you want me to feed Trulen. And you want me to put up dinner?" Okay, so he got to play his Wi with our son (how much energy does that use????) and I gave Trulen his bottle and just asked him to give him cereal. Needless to say, I went off on him about how he might appreciate what I do more because, if he cannot handle three simple chores, than how does he think I feel doing a list of things throughout the week??? So, last night, I made him get up twice to give Trulen the bottle and change his diaper and get him to bed. Maybe he'll appreciate me more.
But seriously, what do you other SAHM do or say to get your husband to appreciate what you do more? How does everyone else deal with the "work load" everyday?
(And hey, I'm not saying that working full time and taking care of the kids isn't hard.) I took care of my son (he's not my husbands biologically) and went to school fulltime and worked 30 hours a week. I know how hard things can be--which is something I had to inform my husband of last night when he slipped out that I would know what hard was when I started work this fall.
04-17-2008, 10:32 AM
I hope just writing about it made you feel better! Sometimes husbands are total idiots, but we can't help but love them anyway. :) I've told my husband more than one that I don't see how the male species could ever survive without us women. :P
Hope you're having a better day today! My day was just awful yesterday so I sent my venting to my husband in an email, and I felt so much better after I just vented it all out. He was a doll and replied "Wow, sounds tough! Just know that I'm thinking of you and hoping you have a better day".
As for 'dealing with the workload', just tell yourself whatever you're able to do is good enough. I don't know the trials of being a SAHM, but I do know how nerve wracking it is to work full time outside the home and be faced with the entire workload in the house when I get home every evening. No matter how you face it or slice it, the workload can be extremely overwhelming. But we are women, hear us ROAR!!
04-17-2008, 03:15 PM
I am a 3/4 time SAHM and small business owner. I can relate to you 100%. For the past year dh had been coming to the store m-f and then I come on sat. and sun.
Well things have changed some and now I will be here 5 days a week, with only mon, and sat. off
But i had a few meetings things this week and when I leave home (weekends too) the house is spotless! Everything cleaned, put away, mail sorted and junk thrown away ect. After 1 day when i get home it looks like gale force winds went through there. It breaks my heart.
And then dinner is not made either (dh works from home via telecommute for his job less $$$$ on gas!!!).
His job can be stressful and consuming but during the time he is not working he could be picking up and trying to figure out what to make for dinner.
So yes the feeling of being totaly un-appreciated is there. Lastnight I sat and cried becuase I did not have much of a lunch and was very hungry when i came home and there nothing made.
DH seems to laugh it off like it is no big deal. I was very angry and hurt. the house was a mess, hungry kid (3yo), sick dd who is 10. I told him lastnight that I had a min. of 2 hours worth of house work to do before bed and try to work on the Elipitical (i need to lose weight as well!). I also clean in the AM before ileave for the store so no AM time to do anything but clean and fold laundry.
Today dh asked me to write out a list of things that i needed him to do.
I guess my comments of exactly what I do everyday to keep our house looking half way tidy set in. Also the fact that i just cried. it is not fair to those of us who are SAHM.
We are taken advantage of. We are made to feel bad for wanting to do something for ourselves, or anything.
So just pick one day where you know he will be home, and leave everything the way you find it. Let him see what it would be like to be in your shoes for 1 day.
04-17-2008, 04:49 PM
All moms are taken for granted. I spend about 2 hours a day cleaning the house while working full time during the week, and it is always obliterated by the time husband and daughter spend time at home. Every day I wish I could switch roles with him for just 1 week because I KNOW it would give him a wake up call. Its all moms, and I think it always will be. :( And the days he takes care of little one without me so I can do stuff for me results in even MORE housework because he can't take care of her and clean at the same time, although somehow I'm expected to do just that the other 6 days week. Of course, then when I start to feel overwhelmed I get the attitude that if I was better at this I wouldn't need him to 'fix' it for me all the time. Its enough to break any person in my opinion, so don't feel alone in the crying! I was there at lunch today.....
04-17-2008, 05:17 PM
Or some how husbands expect a Nobel Peace Prize for doing a few things or expect a HUGE deal of praise to be given. We have a 4 level house and it takes me well over 3 hours just to surface clean!!! Every room has someone in it at one point during the day.
Being told "it's your job to take care of us" makes me very sad :(
I do apprecaite dh when he does help me, but to have it thrown in my face makes the value depreciate faster. Also being reminded how much he works everyday to help keep our house, cars and put food on the table doesnt make me feel any better either.
I know he has worked 7 days a week 17+hrs a day for the past year (taking very little time each day away from the pc or store) to do stuff with our kids.
There is always a reasonwhy they cant do something.
Its not cool.
04-17-2008, 05:27 PM
I can say one thing though: thank God my husband likes to give the baby a bath. Thats one thing I don't have to worry about.
However, my therapist told me this morning that I needed to start to do more "me time." Okay, so my husband has to take over some of my responsibility? I hope he can handle a little more on his plate.
And daisy, yes they do need a reward each time they do something...kidding. I remember getting into a huge fight with dh and he started to list some of the things that he does; I looked him in the eyes and said "ladies and gentlemen the award goes to Ben." Life as a wife and mother can be so stressful.
04-17-2008, 05:54 PM
LOL your last sentace made me laugh (the award goes too ben). I agree they do need praise, but on every teeny tiny thing they do?!
But it is the constant " I work to put food on the table, so you can stay home and do nothing type attitudes that bother me.
As if 3+hrs of house work a day is nothing. Neither is taking care of kids, or doing all the errands too.
04-17-2008, 07:15 PM
What an appropriate day for me to find this conversation....whenever I feel like he's not getting it I figure out an errand I have to run on the weekend and leave her alone with him for a couple hours. I make sure a nap will be involved so he can have the joy of rocking & bouncing endlessly. Usually, by the time I'm back he always says "I don't know how you do this every day." I think an errand is in order this weekend!
Hang in there! This is definitely the hardest job in the world!!
04-17-2008, 07:40 PM
OMG ladies, my husband just came home an hour and a half early...to take a nap! Our daughter was up crying last night for half an hour and my husband got pissy because "he has so much to do tomorrow!" He came home, went straight to our room and fell asleep. I'm furious!!! She cried from 10:30-11 it's not like it went all night! What the !@#%Q!#%!#?!
04-17-2008, 08:35 PM
reagan'smom, I know what you mean!! My hubby gets home from work and goes to bed by 12:30 every night and I usually stay up with him. I don't sleep that great anyway, and I like to see him when he gets home. But I wake up at 6:30 -7 every morning while he sleeps in until 8:30-9. I babysit at home and try to keep the kids quiet until 8am, after that it's a free-for-all. But after he leaves for the morning to do god knows what, he comes home, eats lunch and takes a nap from 12:30 or so until he has to go to work just before 2pm. AAAHHHH!!! I'm the one who's 6 months pregnant!! And taking care of 4-6 kids during the day, plus all the other house jobs. I don't get a nap in very often, but if he misses his before work, the world is coming to an end. Anyway, it makes me sad to think that what ra11en said about it always being this way is true, but I think it is. Women have changed sooooo much since the 1960's, but most men still have a 1950's mentality. Not all men, mind you, but most. And my husband isn't horrible all the time, but there are weeks where I just want to SNAP! It's no wonder most women are martyrs! ;)
04-17-2008, 09:43 PM
I found read this post earlier at the absolute perfect time. Just been arguing with hubby during my lunch break, which was after I had an unsettling meeting at work. The meeting should have been very celebratory for me; manager told me he is moving me to a higher paid, promoted position, yet I keep turning it around in my head. So, I know I'm taking stupid stuff personal and kinda twisting stuff, but then when DH starts in on me for something stupid I just watched myself spiral into an arguement with him and had no one to blame but myself. Then I read this post and realized it was more my fault than his really (hence the depressive reply earlier), because usually he is much more blatantly an idiot than he was today. I could so relate to this post and the feeling of being unappreciated, and I knew our arguement this time was really me having some security issues. It really sucked because we had argued which meant we spent all afternoon ignoring each other (usually we talk on the phone quite a few time).
Then, the love of my life brought home 3 - 3!! - beautiful bouquets of flowers for me because he knows I'm a sucker for flowers. He wasn't apologizing, not really anything he needed to apologize for, but he just knew it would make me smile. Sometimes they really show us why we need them as our partner in this journey. So smile ladies, it really is all worth it.
Remind me I said this when I want to take a nap this weekend sometime and my husband gets all sarcastic even though he slept all day last Sunday because I sweetly told him I could handle it while he napped. :)
04-17-2008, 10:00 PM
I am a SAHM. My husband isn't perfect, but he certainly is appreciative of the work I do. I think his eyes were opened when he had to spend a whole day caring for our infant daughter by himself. Now when he comes home from work, he always thanks me.
I hope you all get a chance to pull a little role reversal...even if your husband isn't ready to bow to you at the end of the day, at least you'll get a taste of the "good life". ;)
04-18-2008, 09:04 AM
Well yesterday I came home to find the hard wood floor, the dining room table and kitchen counter all spotless!!!!
DH asked me yesterday for a small to-do list and i wrote it out. He did not get to everything (he only did the flor/kitchen/table which was 1 to do pkg). I was sooo happy. it looks beautiful.
Well today we are dealing with a stomach virus= diarreha and pukin. DD had it Wed. night. This am around 4 ds woke up an was puking in his bed, dh was throwing up after his shower. My tummy is so queasy.
uugggghhh. I see a day of luandry and carpet cleaning LOL.
04-18-2008, 12:36 PM
I know what y'all mean. It's hard and it's stressful, but our husbands have their moments. My dh told me last night that I had the weekend to go to the gym whenever and that he'll give me a night off next week. Sweet however....
he also mentioned that he was helping with the house workload but I shouldn't expect him to take over. GGGGRRRRR. I never told him to take over my responsibilities.
My wonderful dh is turning into one of them. Lol.
04-18-2008, 03:15 PM
Thanks TrubearJ for starting this thread! I've recently just started feeling the woes of being an SAHM (haha..it took me a few replies to read to figure out what that stood for!), and although im one just temporarily, my complete appreciation and admiration goes out to you and all SAHM's!
Last night was a bad night with my 6wk old!! Im both an SAHM and a 'pseudo' single mom..my husband is in Iraq. But, LUCKILY he has a cellphone! I called him to vent about OUR baby, and after some time he actually asks, "So, you're the ONLY person in the whole world that can't do this?" HOLY CRAP, i almost had a heart attack! After complaining about a lot of other things, he actually suggested I go seek mental help! OMG..why are they such boneheads!
After I was able to suppress my tears, I was able to tell him what I needed from him..which was just a little appreciation and affirmation.. that Im still the most beautiful woman that he's ever seen, etc, etc...you know the deal. And that I was being a good mom. It just sucks that I almost had to feed him the words! But, we married these guys!
04-18-2008, 10:05 PM
militarymom- I know, it's so sad that we have to tell him what we need to hear. Maybe movies and books have spoiled us. . . . Or maybe they should watch more movies! LOL I suppose, though, I'm just as guilty about not saying things to him that he would probably like to hear. BTW, Way to go daisy on the clean room! :)
04-18-2008, 10:30 PM
Wow. I'm so going to thank my husband. He's a saint that I take for granted. I won't give too many details or ya'll will hate me forever.
A friend of mine was telling me the same basic problem today (she's a mom of 4). Her plan was to stop doing laundry for an entire week (He had accused her of "doing nothing all day"). She figures by stopping only one of her astronomical chores, he'll get the picture by the end of the week. Imagine if she stopped doing everything! I'm not saying I recommend this, but an idea.
When my saintly sweetheart occasionally makes a bonehead comment (they all do), we just talk about it. I rattle off my list of what I actually did that day. Many times I tell him my plan for the day and the reasons the plan was foiled again. (I was doing the laundry when kid2 was found climbing the piano. As I got 2 to safety, kid1 spilled the milk. Jump ahead on list to cleaning kitchen floor. While mopping, kid2 had an accident. add dining room floor to cleaning plan. oh yeah the laundry, but kid1 wants a story. drop everything to actually spend time with my children which is why I am here in the first place. I'm not here to be the maid. I'm here to enjoy my precious blessings while they're here...a very short time.) Husband totally agrees with this sentiment, just needs an occasional reminder.
A final note: Women can change the world! All you moms of boys out there-it's up to you to change the way they will be treating their wives in the future. Take charge future mothers-in-law!
04-18-2008, 10:41 PM
I have to add this. I was just sharing this discussion with my husband. His tip for all of you: fake being sick for a day. Make your husband stay home from work to do all you normally do and stay in bed all day. You can even catch up on lost sleep.
Of course this will probably mean more work for you the following day, but if you fake it on a Friday, you'll have Saturday to tackle the ensuing disaster together.
04-19-2008, 12:07 AM
Wow, if your husband suggested that, he must be some catch! Any chance you two splitting up any time soon? ;)
04-19-2008, 01:02 PM
Well Like Kids Husbands do not come with training manuals or instructions!
04-22-2008, 02:30 AM
My husband is great. I love him with all my everything, but sometimes he leaves me dumbfounded.
Until this week, I worked 40+ hours a week, and still managed to take care of our home and our baby, who is now almost 10 months. Including the lack of sleep during pregnancy, it's been a year since I've slept more than a few hours a night.
I had been miserable sick for four days, my baby (7 months at the time) was running a fever over 103. I finally broke down and asked my husband to call out one day so I could get some sleep and a little help with the sick babe.
He called out so he could help me, and managed to sleep all night without waking up once. I asked get up about 7:30 with Miy, and he actually told me he was too tired!
04-22-2008, 02:58 AM
Omg, I so know about having to tell them what you need to hear.
When my daughter turned 3 weeks old (she'll be 5 weeks old tomorrow), we had our first major fussy day. NOTHING worked (after just that one day I have soo much empathy now for mothers of colicky babies). She started at about 7 p.m. (my husband works evenings) and about 11 p.m. I started to break. I was crying and loudly proclaiming to her "I just don't know what to do!". I had put her down a few times to walk outside for a short break. My husband got home at about midnight, after I had been on the phone with him. He comes in and immediately was like "well you're holding her this way, try this do this"...I remember snapping at him "I don't need advice, I just need you to take her and give me some sympathy"...
He redeemed himself though, I went to bed after i calmed down (about 1 a.m.) and didn't wake up until 9:45, and wandered out of the bedroom in that daze that comes about when you've finally slept more than 3 hours at once and he was feeding her a bottle and was like "You were so upset, I stayed up all night even though she was sleeping so you wouldn't have to get up".
04-24-2008, 01:09 PM
I was with my X for 12 years.......we share 50/50 custody of our 2 dd(s). He know knows all I did for our family, now that I am not there while he has them. I am a SAHM as well, I have also worked outside the home but at home is where I belong! I feel like I was made to be a SAHM. It got really hard toting around 2 chicks to all their activities and school, homework, housework, yardwork, errands, pets, etc.......
But now I have a 16 week old son and a fiancee that works full time plus mandatory over-time and he still does everything at home. I tell all his friends at the gym...."Yeah, he runs the household, he runs the dishwasher, the washer/dryer, he runs my bath, the vaccum...." lol It feels good to have a partner. He is not into the whole, YOU WOMAN...ME MAN, thing. So for half my life I thought it would consist of me doing everything, and the X going to work everyday flirting and having adult conversation while I was held up in a house for weeks taking care of 2 chicks that are 15 months apart!
Now the chicks are 10 and 9 and my fiancee has shown me what it's like to have a supportive, compassionate man that can do it all. How blessed I am!
I have been on the other side though and I know how it feels. Just hang in there. It all works out in the end.
04-24-2008, 08:38 PM
wow...i thought i was the only one with a husband who needs a nap everyday! i'm a stay at home mom during the day and go to school at night. sometimes my husband guilts me into staying home from school because he needs a nap!
04-25-2008, 11:20 AM
Maybe our husbands should be the ones teaching our little ones how to nap -- they seem to be experts!
04-27-2008, 10:26 PM
My husband defnalteyl isn't lazy when it comes to house work. In fact, he's OCD about it. Sometimes to the point where I'm ready to pull my hair out. He will come home from work and say "Oh, I see mommy didn't have time to do the dishes"...there was only one bowl in the sink! But after five years of dating and four years of marriage, I've learned to deal with the OCD...kind of. The thing that gets me is that, when it comes to the baby (13 mo), the most he does is play with her while I cook dinner and for a short while after dinner. I feed her, I bathe her, I dress her, I load her into the car, I change her diapers...ALL of them, I put her to bed and I get up with her in the middle of the night. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE being a SAHM, but come on! The reasoning used to be that "she is too little" or "she likes you better". Now it's "you do it better" or "my hands are too big and clumsy (to change or dress her)" or because she is a girl "it feels awkward (changing her poopy diapers or bathing her). And the look that I get when I ask him to watch her for 30 minutes so I can workout in the basement. And heaven forbid that I go to dinner with a girlfriend for more than a couple of hours. Don't get me wrong, it's not all so horrible. He is really great about telling me what a great mom I am and how he could never do what I do (he has NO patience). But sometimes I just need a break!
05-05-2008, 09:34 PM
I am so sorry you felt that way with your husband, and i have a feeling it was more about having him apreciate you than what you have to do day in and day out with the kids.
Husbands unfortunately dont grasp the fact of what really goes on in the household of a mother...i say actions speak louder than words. Have him for one day do what you do and see if he can walk away from that experience with a different attitude.
Until that day we are here to hear your vents and remember to breathe and count to ten....
05-06-2008, 01:54 AM
ONCE, after a week of caring for my newborn and two kids, i got very ill. my fiance actually let me sleep the ENTIRE DAY. boy did i pay for that one the next day.
05-07-2008, 11:44 AM
Keep encouraging your husband with positive feedback. Let him know what you expect from him specifically, i.e. he clears dinner, takes out trash, cares for the house and cars, and helps with feedings. You can even post a chore schedule until a routine is established. If he doesn't know what's expected of him, he may feel subject to you giving him random tasks, and that makes him a flunky (not happy).
With his domain established, he will be very productive while you lovingly and respectfully show that you approve. He will respond by lovingly showing you the appreciation that you deserve. All the best!
(I gleaned this info from marriage counsel programs and books - men respond to respect, and women respond to love, which they get from the husband when he feels respected...)
05-07-2008, 12:17 PM
My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have a 4 1/2 year old son and a 6 month old son.
When we got married and I got pregnant, I was working full time and my husband had just lost his job. He did no house work or cooking of any kind.
After we had our fist son I decided to stay at home and pick up some baby sitting kids. Doing all the house work, cooking, and caring for 2 newborns (1 ours, 1 baby sitting child) and a toddler (baby sitting child) all day long. He still didn't help out and we had many fights over this.
After our second son came along my husband still continues to do the same o same o, and says that he should have to do any thing around the house b/c "he works". Yeah like being a Mom isn't work, when was the last time I got a day off....NEVER.
I have tried posting a "chore" list, tried not doing my husbands laundry so that he would have to do it himself. Left the dishes pile up, leave his things lay around the house...but nothing seems to work.
We have went to counseling on this and the counselor has tried to help me get through to him, but its a lost cause. I just get so upset all the time about how my house looks, and how he doesn't help out w/ any thing even picking up after himself. I fall into a depression where I don't want to do any thing b/c he isn't doing any thing.
Don't think that this interferes w/ me taking care of my children b/c it doesn't they are my life and always will be well taken care of. I just feel like at times I have 3 children instead of 2 and a husband.
05-07-2008, 04:43 PM
DH has told me he can not sympathize with me because at least I have my own schedule during the day to do what I need to get done and blah blah blah about how long he works and how hard he works during the week...okay I get that part and cater to that but SAHM work is just as hard if not harder and I pull my weight and sometimes more likely all of the time stuff around here too.
Don't get me started on how they want to get the Nobel Prize for picking up their laundry off of the floor or something else they think they have accomlpished....
05-07-2008, 04:45 PM
You get your own schedule???? Is he clueless? Since when do mom's set their own schedule?? :) If I set my own schedule, I would be sleeping in till 10am, and laying on the couch watching tv most of the day - wait, that's my husband's schedule.....LOL
05-07-2008, 04:51 PM
My husband likes to throw it in my face that he works 40 plus hrs b/c he is a college teacher and goes to college full time for his masters...well he is taking the summer off from college so what will the excuse be now?
As for Mom's making their own schedule I agree w/ ra11en, we are 24/7, 364, no pay (except w/ hugs & kisses from our little ones), no holidays off....nothing. I just wish he could spend 1 whole day doing the things that need to be done when you are a Mom.
05-08-2008, 04:55 PM
And I'm sad to say that my husband threw a fit last night because I told him that I needed him to help out more. He's always helped and I think he might be getting lazy :( Dh helps with the kids but I'm exhausted. I think I should go on strike; stand outside my house with a picket sign and strike. Maybe that'll get some attention.
05-10-2008, 12:16 PM
It's funny isn't it, how husbands tend to think that the better the job pays, the harder we work! So therefore, since mom doesn't make a cent, she doesn't work hard at all. I wouldn't mind doing all the work if he would at least acknowledge that I'm working hard (never off duty even at night with two little ones) and give me encouragement or notice when things get done. But he's says he doesn't have to praise me, because I'm just doing my duty. So I just get the criticism. The worse the house looks, the more he lectures. So guess what happened when I was horribly sick and on the couch when I was seven weeks pregnant??!! And on another note, remember moms--since men and women have different makeups some of our own problems stem from not properly communicating with our husbands. We think he should know what we think by our huffs and puffs, but take it from me, till you very kindly explain to him how you are feeling without making him feel threatened, he might not even know that you wish him to help out more with the children.
05-10-2008, 12:54 PM
At least as a working outside the home mom I can challenge that caveman notion of making money equates to harder work therefore more say. I make more than my DH (barely!) outside the home and sometimes I still have to remind him that he can't use his long hours as an excuse to not help out with our home and our daughter, because I work outside the home too. I can tell him just how much harder it is IN the home than my career outside, and he HAS to listen. SAHM have to battle that mostly-male attitude wihtout that and that has to be so tough! They can be so thick headed, and so ignorant of just how exaperating and exhausting keeping our home and our kids in order.
I notice my husband goes through his little 'man cave' episodes. Pretty equivelant to our PMS on a less regular schedule. :) I try to give him extra leeway for a few days, but then I have to put my foot down a little. And like garheath said, I have to clearly and succintly state what I need him to do that he isn't doing. I have to manage him like I would an employee at times; "Please vaccumm while I'm cleaning the kitchen, and then please sort the laundry so I can start getting it through. Then, later, can you get that bag of shredded bills out of the office and into the garage please?" and "Please keep an eye on DD while I'm getting the tub washed out for bath time. She'll need to get undressed in about 10 minutes please". I mean seriously, stuff that he should notice needs done and just do it, but they don't think like that. I have to remind him when our daughter needs a snack every Sunday (his day on duty with her), he can't seem to remember her feeding schedule and she's 18mo old!! It is pretty cute though. :)
05-15-2008, 11:41 AM
After reading everyone's complaints I am going to have to give my hubby a big hug and a kiss when he get's home. He's not perfect by any means and there are times when I just want to rail at him but he always makes me feel appreciated. He's constantly telling me how amazing and awesome I am. Our biggest arguments come about when he sees me just miserably exhausted and I DON'T ask for help.
I am a SAHM, plus I pick up a few hours of "real work" (lol) that I do at home, so I'm still bringing in a little bit of money. However, we're both on the same page as far as this: the reason I am home is to take care of my son. When the baby is cranky or not feeling well, I don't work. Being able to schedule my own hours makes this very convenient for us and DH never gets upset when I tell him I wasn't able to work. My DH works full time, has another part time job and teaches a Jiu-Jitsu class two nights a week so he's hardly ever home, but when he is he always makes sure that he gives me a quick kiss and tells me how beautiful and amazing I am and he tries to get in a game of peek-a-boo or tickle monster with our 7 mo. old son before he runs out the door (depending on how late it is when he gets home, DS maybe asleep).
DH has never really been around babies, so he's not quite sure if what he's doing is right or wrong and he's always very nervous about trying something new. We've overcome the hurdle of feedings and he's gotten comfortable with helping me out on that. He's not normally at home for bathtime, but he's not very comfortable with the idea of bathing our son. Not after watching our son splashing around and nearly jumping out of his little baby tub (it's about time to move him to the big people tub), but we're getting there.
DH doesn't change diapers. Lol. He used to change them all the time but since the baby moved to solids he stears clear. I oversaw a diaper change one night and DH didn't even get to the second step before he was in the bathroom throwing up. Poor thing. Has a weak stomach. I have since reprieved him on all diaper changing duty but have told him when the boy starts wetting his bed after he's out of diapers, it will be his job to change the sheets and clean our son up. :D
One thing that really helped us was the fact that I have lists of everything I do in a day and through the entire week. I started this first because I woke up one morning with a severe migraine and DH had to get my son up and going. It was then that we realized he had no idea what to do. We jumped that hurdle (more like stumbled over it really) and I decided I needed to make a list of what I do in the morning to start my son's day. I now have what I call my Control journal that has every list he could possibly need to get through "my" day. It has also helped my self esteem alot. There were days that just wore me out and I'd look around our living room and feel like an utter failure because I "didn't accomplish anything". I thought to myself "Other mom's do this all the time, and some of them work a full time job too! Why can't I do this?" Having all the stuff I do written down so I have it on paper, being able to look at my list and think "Wow. I've already done 1/3 of my list and it's not even 10'o'clock! I rock!" is a wonderful self esteem booster. Also, seeing my DH's eyes get bigger and bigger as he flipped through my journal worked too...The evening before Mother's Day, I told my DH that I had thought about going on strike for Mother's Day (watch the color drain from his face) but that I thought that it would be fine if he just got the baby up and fed him breakfast so I could sleep in (watch grateful smile wreath his face as color seeps back to his cheeks). I nearly giggled with delight the next morning when he collapsed on the bed and said "I can't believe he woke up at 7!".
"He always wakes up at 7, baby..."
The second thing, (and where I got the idea for my Control Journal) is FlyLady. Some of you may know what I'm talking about but for those of you who don't, go check out www.FlyLady.com. You may read her essay (the one on Getting Dressed to Lace-up Shoes was the one that convinced me to join her email group), and think "Whatever" but I'm telling you, if you start practicing some of her suggested habits, it will change your attitude and the way you get through a day. My house is by no means spotless but "household chores" have become less of a focal point for me AND my house is cleaner than it's ever been before, pre- and post-baby. She preaches common sense and loving yourself. You may have already told yourself the things she's saying to you, but I've found it's so much more impactful coming from someone else. And my DH has noticed the efforts I've made to get our house whipped into shape. I even caught him the other day cleaning the toilet! Imagine that. I thought husbands were allergic to the toilet brush. LOL He has mentioned to me how happier I seem, the fact that he loves coming home to a clear floor (free of baby toys, dog toys and dirty clothes) and a made up bed. I endorse this website and reccomend anyone who feels as though the house chores are beating you (instead of the other way around), join the email group. It's free and oh so worth it.
Good luck to everyone.
05-17-2008, 09:47 PM
I am looking for some comraderie with other women who are going through the same thing I am. My DH is not at all protective of our children, at least not to my standards. He doesn't care if they are buckled in properly in the car if we are "not going very far." In public places, he walks in front of them instead of beside them or holding their hands, so he can't see them. Mind you, our children are 4 and 1! He complains if I put a hat or hood on my 1-year-old's head if it is windy out on an otherwise nice day. He always complains how it "looks." I am so sick and tired of fighting him on these issues! He won't budge a single inch! He calls me overprotective. I say he's underprotective. What can I do to get him to understand that safety is my #1 priority, and it should be his too.
05-20-2008, 11:09 PM
so tonight i asked my husband to just clean up the dishes, and his response was "but i was going upstairs to shower." ok, fair enough. the problem is that anytime i ask him to do anything he comes up with a reason why he can't or shouldn't have to. don't get me wrong i love him and he is really great with our son, but a little appreciation,(like thanking me for dinner) and a little help would be greatly welcomed. i usually end up acting like i'm his mommy and tell him "just do it" well the dishes are calling.
05-26-2008, 11:52 AM
ok I'm still clueless, What is a SAHM? Is it Stay at home mom? if so i guess i qualify,lol! I just adopted a new motto. Its good enough! My house is never clean,the laundry is never all done and there are dishes in the sink. Boy do i wish i had a dishwasher and a washer and dryer! But my kids are fed and they get there naps. I guess i can say that i am lucky to have a husband that almost never says anything about it. my girls are 3 and almost 2,there incessant mommy this i need this and momma that are exhausting. I'm expecting my 3rd and still in the 1st trimester so maybe thats the problem. i give you ladies that try to get everything done props!! I have come to the conclusion that my husband will always lag behind in the helping department and i will never get every thing done! But I will never be at peace with it,lol! So, I will try to laugh it off!! Good luck ladies!
05-26-2008, 12:57 PM
I'm with primigenia on this one. I need to make sure I give my dh some serious hugging and kissing when he gets home today. He is always trying to help me out around the house and taking care of the girls. At night if Krystina has a bad dream he's up and in there without me having to ask and if Emilee wakes up in the middle of the night or super early in the morning because she's hungry, needs a diaper change or just doesn't want to sleep anymore he's up and doing it. I don't have to ask him and he doesn't complain about it. He may joke about the time but he doesn't complain. And he spends a lot of time trying to get me out of the house for some "alone" time. On almost a daily basis he tells me how proud he is of what I do around the house and for him and the girls. Just the other day he got in the shower with me and washed my hair and my back and massaged my back and legs and when I asked him why he said that I do so much for everyone else I deserve to have someone dote on me for a little bit. He is the first to "defend" what I do to anyone who may make derogatory comments about SAHM's. I was talking to one woman at the park a little while ago and when she found out I'm a SAHM she made some comment like "well you're lucky aren't you? you get to stay home all day and do nothing and your man supports you." Oh jeez John went off on her. He looked at her and said "I'm not her man I'm her loving, supportive husband, and my wife does more work in one hour as a SAHM than you could do in an entire month at a public job, so back off lady and you need to apologize for being rude and stupid". Well I got my apology and she high-taled it out of the park real quick.
John isn't perfect, he leaves his socks and underwear on the floor, and he can't clean his bathroom for snot and he says and does things that I don't think are the right way to do them. But he loves me and our daughters and I'm a very lucky woman, and he tries his best to make what I do easier and I know everyday that I and what I do is appreciated either through his words or his actions.
I hope that anyone whose dh/so doesn't appreciate them or show their appreciation gets the nod they need and deserve.
BTW great suggestions primigeria (about the journal), I think I'm gonna snitch your idea if that's cool with you.
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