Spanking, to be or not to be??

[Melindakcc]

I do not know how some of you moms feel but I do believe that spanking should be apart of disapline. I mean being angry when spanking is a no no and also when the infraction is minor. But I know some moms feel that spanking is to harsh and not justafiable. Believe you me, I do time outs, talking, and when the punishment comes to a few swats on the rear, I explain to Hailie what she did and why mommy is spanking. So moms what are your feelings on this very sensitive topic???

[Disco Lemonade]

Sensitive topic…right you are, so sensitive that this might not be a good topic to discuss. Some are not open to “opinions” here. Some will criticize you for swatting your child on the butt. This place is just not what it used to be. The spanking topic is very similar to the breast feeding topic here. It always starts some sort of chaos.

As for MY opinion on “spanking,” I do not consider it horrible as long as your child comprehends on why he/she got a whack on the butt. There is nothing wrong with a little tap on the butt, but if there is hair pulling and belts are being bought out, then “I” consider that to be abuse.

[SiMaMa]

I think spankings should be a part of discipline, but not the only part. It seems that now a days things that our parents did to us are considered crimes. I have three much older siblings, two of which have children. They never spanked, are their children are hellions. Now all in their teens, the older two have respect and drug problems, not to mention are completely irresponsible. I don't think that the lack of spankings were the only problem, but it could very well be part of it. Growing up, my nephews had no fear(or respect) for their mother, because they knew that there weren't going to be any severe consequences. Time outs were the only form of punishment, and to be sent to their room with all their toys didn't really phase them.

My mother spanked me when I was bad, and I have nothing but the utmost respect and love for her. And even now, in my 20s, I would never dare say a stray word to her because I know she would surely smack me upside my head. I think that as long as you aren't abusing your children, spankings are ok, and I plan to implement on my son when he is a little older. Even now, after small pops on his legs when he bites, he has almost completely stopped biting.

[moonemaiden]

Spanking is rare in my household. For the most part I don't believe that "hitting" children is a good way to teach them not to be violent. On the other hand, there's a difference between a swift spank on the rear end and actually hitting a child. With my daughter we have developed an order of discipline. First offense, we sit down and discuss the situation trying to make sure that she understands why it's not acceptable behavior. After that she only gets one warning. If she continues that behavior various other discipline methods are used. Time out, extra chores, revoked privileges, etc. There are times when this doesn't work, or when it is an extreme safety issue and she needs to understand the importance of listening immediately that I will resort to spanking.

However, I get the feeling my son will be an entirely different type of child and I will have to develop a completely different method for him. The major thing I try to remember is that discipline means to teach not to punish.

[KayLady]

I'm with you ruth, my mom spanked me (dad didn't) and out of it grew only resentment from me, not respect. I'm not against spanking altogether (unless it's abusive, as Disco mentioned), but I do believe different forms of discipline work for different children and each individual needs to be taken into account. We tried spanking with our daughter and it just did not work for her, so we stopped. We never resort to it now since we know it doesn't work for her, what's the point? Time outs are what really work for her, they get her immediate compliance and we hardly have to go there anymore.
Some kids, however, simply don't respond to time outs and some behavior deserves a spanking. I believe that a swat on the bottom, just enough to shock, is justified for toddlers when they are going to do something (or just did something) that could hurt themselves or someone else. Regardless of the form of discipline, children are always going to act up, it's how far they go that tells you what is working.

[lismom2]

Not a spanking fan.

[H.Starr]

My son is about to be 10 months old. Far too young for spanking.
However, when he is older, I can guarantee that he and his future siblings will end up getting their butt smacked from time to time.
Like someone else said, it definitely won't be the only form of discipline, nor will it be a daily thing, but from time to time.
Also, "A" butt SMACK. Not a beating. No belts, tree branches, 2x4s, or other crazy things. One hand, one butt, one smack.

Now, a side note: I was in line at the store the other day and was aimlessly glancing at the covers of all the tabloids. Tell me why Kate spanking her daughter was big enough news to take up the whole cover of one of the magazines?!?!
First of all, leave those people alone already (in my opinion, them doing the show is what ruined their marriage), and second of all, Do I care if she spanks her kids?!?! People spank their kids every day, it doesn't make the cover of a magazine.
I just thought it was obnoxious...

[jenn_0629]

I think parent's that spank misconstrue fear for respect. Why would you respect someone that hurts you? I didn't respect my parent's for it. I think that you can use other methods of punishment to get through to your children. I think it's abuse because it is the intention of hurting your child. That's just my opinion.

And about the Kate thing, they are the poster people of parents. Anything involving there children that is negative will be all over the place, it's what they signed up for when the entered the show business industry.

[Bec caV]

Spanking has it's place, I will say that. Of course that's when the behavior of the child is absolutely horrible, and of course hand on the butt once... it's more of a to get his/her attention action. And of course never spank as punishment for hitting someone!

There is also an age you have to stop, in my opinion. I'd say spank no later than about 5 years old, after that it's not going to do much good. After that point, there's more effective means of punishment that don't involve spanking.
We were spanked up until about 5 years old, then my parents moved on to time outs (though we didn't call them time outs then). For serious matters we got things taken away from us like TV time or if mom had been planning a special outing or something she'd cancel it, or no snack before bed.

[charliesmommy]

I didn't get spanked very often but I did for serisously misbehaving. I also got my mouth washed out with soap. I plan to use the same tactics my mother did.


I don't remember one spanking but know I got a few. I do, however remember eating soap as well as the words I used causing me to have to eat the soap. To this day I do not use those words because even the thought of them brings the taste of Zest to my mouth. Blah!!

[APEMBERTON]

Wow with such a HOT topic I figured this thread would already have gone aray!! Congrats to everybody for having an actual discussion so far!!!

As far as spanking goes...I was spanked as a child & have no problem with it! I do agree some people take it too far(there is very fine line between discipline & abuse), but the people(no one that has responded) that say a light smack to teach a lesson(ex. don't touch the stove) is ABUSE, come on..that is ridiculous! My children will not be exempt from them , but it will not be our go-to form of discipline! My parents were smart & learned early on that taking away my stuff(phone, tv time, sleep-overs) was much smarter! I was a tough kid & didn't mind getting spancked as much as I minded my stuff being taking away! I have a feeling if my kids are anything like me or my fiance they will be the exact same way!

[jenn_0629]

I do totally agree with the stove scenario. It's not abuse, that is protection.

[asdfghjkl]

APEMBERTON- I just noticed that your signature says that you are TTC and on Cycle #16 for your first child. I know how sad it is. I am 29 and still trying (actively since I was 20....) I just wanted to say that I think that is great that you are keeping your spirits up. I think it's wonderful. We will conceive one day. :D

I have to say, these girls that get pregnant when they are like 15 and abort their babies and then expect God to give them babies later on in life, they piss me off to no end. Truthfully. You could have had a child, you know? You murdered that baby. Now, you pay the ultimate price. Parenthood. Glad you aren't like that, either. Because if you were, I would tell you that you will never have a child because you are being punished. Murder=Punishment. Just because it is legal murder doesn't mean you won't be punished.

Anyways, good luck with your future.

[tierrajo1]

This is a big debate in my household. I do not want to rely on spanking as our main discipline. My husband believes in spanking so we do argue about this frequently. I know that I have a hard time with it because of the way I grew up, being punished more out of someone else's anger than in an attempt to discipline. I agree that if you are going to spank then it needs not be done in anger and at a certain age I do not think it works anymore. I have smacked my children's hands on occasions more to get there attention for behavior that was possibly dangerous to them. I think every parent needs to make the decision based on themselves and their child, and to be honest with their motives for spanking, making sure it is done for their child's best interest and not out of their own anger or frustration. I also think it will not work as the only form of discipline.

[freckles]

Yeah speaking of Kate and Suri, I think the paparazzi picks on that little girl. She is what? 2? and getting negative press? Unbeleivable.

[*Babylon*]

I was beat up as a child. Not too often, but once I was… poor me. At the time I did see it as abusive and totally unfair, I got pissed off, and although I wouldn't act out, I became resentful. I still think that the hitting I went through was usually unjustified, especially since usually it was because of my sister and she was never spanked, and oh boy… did she deserve it sometimes! However, more often than not I get to see kids behaving in such way that I catch myself thinking "if only s/he got a good spank as a child!"
Now that I'm expecting my first child, I don't want to be abusive like my parents were, and it won't be the only discipline method I'll use, and certainly not when I'll be pissed off, but I won't ban it altogether.
I have to say, I never though there would be an age when it wouldn't be effective anymore, but it does make sense. After I was 7-8 the worst punishment was not being able to play outside with my friends, or missing their birthday parties, so when I knew the date was close, I behave extra good to earn the permission :D

[giraffes_buddy]

To this day, I'm leary of the wooden spoons in my own kitchen...

That being said, my home is a spanking household, but my DS just turned 6, and I can count the number of spankings he's received on one hand. Spankings weren't very effective on him unless he was almost out of control. A swift whack on the tush was usually enough to get his attention and let him know that I was serious about what I was telling him. I haven't swatted him in years - the threat of it is enough to get him to snap in place when he needs to now.

FWIW, time-out is a joke to him. He's too patient, and he's willing to wait to get what he wants.

No one discipline technique works for every kid, and the ones that do work for one kid won't necessarily work all the time for that same kid. The trick is to know your kid's "symptoms" and treat them accordingly, and remember that not all acting out is due to bad behavior. If a kid is acting out because he/she's hungry/tired/overly emotional (e.g., scared, excited), no amount of discipline in the world will make the behavior better. Those aren't disciplinary problems - those are basic needs.

[Bec caV]

No one discipline technique works for every kid, and the ones that do work for one kid won't necessarily work all the time for that same kid. The trick is to know your kid's "symptoms" and treat them accordingly, and remember that not all acting out is due to bad behavior.

That is so true!

My husband has a good little story about that. When his older brother Jimmy misbehaved, they'd send him to his room... the worst possible punishment for him. The world was over because he was very social and didn't like sitting up in his room. But when my husband misbehaved, sending him to his room was no punishment at all. He liked playing with his toys, then when he was older he had a TV in his room so he would watch the TV :p Now... spanking my husband... that was a good punishment, he hated it, but Jimmy... Jimmy would just laugh it off.
Being sent to my room didn't work well for me either. I'd just read a book. Being grounded did work, if I couldn't go outside and play, I was feeling punished.

I'll have to see how it goes when we get there, but I don't think being sent to his room is going to work on my son if it didn't for both my husband and I :p I'm going to have to be creative I think.

[PDeverit]

Child buttock-battering for the purpose of gaining compliance is nothing more than an inherited bad habit.

Its a good idea for people to take a look at what they are doing and learn how to DISCIPLINE instead of hit.

There are several reasons why hitting kids isn't a good idea. Most compelling of all reasons to abandon this worst of all bad habits is the fact that some children can experience buttock-beating as unintentional sexual abuse. There is an abundance of educational resources that are easy to find with a little research.

Here are a few good, quick reads recommended by professionals:

Plain Talk About Spanking
by Jordan Riak

The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children
by Tom Johnson

NO VITAL ORGANS THERE, So They Say
by Leslie Taylor M.D., and Adah Maurer Ph.D.


A handful of those trying to educate the public on these topics:

American Academy of Pediatrics

American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry

Center For Effective Discipline

Churches' Network For Non-Violence

Archbishop Desmond Tutu

PsycHealth Behavioral Health Professionals

Global Initiative To End All Corporal Punishment of Children

United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child


Countries where child buttock-beating is against the law:
Sweden, Finland, Norway, Austria, Cyprus, Italy, Denmark, Latvia, Croatia, Bulgaria, Germany, Israel, Iceland, Ukraine, Romania, Hungary, Greece, Netherlands, New Zealand, Portugal, Uruguay, Venezuela, Chile, Spain, Costa Rica, Republic of Moldova, and more in process. In fact, the United States was the only UN member that did not sign the Convention on the Rights of the Child.

[*Babylon*]

I grew up in Chile, I currently live in Israel (both countries that signed the Convention on the rights of the Child) and my DH comes from ex-USSR.... so we both got to see kids in different cultures and in different generations. Although no parent and no society changes overnight because of a signature in any given document, over the years I got to see in my own country how kids got this sense of entitlement that turned them into little monsters that feel they have the right to hit their parents, teachers, and receive no punishment, and god forbid if you ground them or make them eat their greens, you could end up in jail for child abuse. In Israel situation is not much better, let me tell you. These rude, loud and disrespectful kids grow to be ruder, more violent and obnoxious adults, of which you see plenty. Would a good old spank on the butt be the miracle medicine for this? no, not by itself, but it does teach you within seconds what are the consequences of your actions.

[Lilypad]

I think that each child responds differently to discipline and you need to find what works for you and your child.

But this is the reason that I will not do it with mine. I had to go to a meeting at dd's daycare because another child hit her. Supposedly, this child said to the teachers at the daycare, that she "spanked" my daughter because she didn't do what she was supposed and that is what her mommy does when she doesn't do what she is supposed to. These children are 3.

So, exactly what is this little girl learning from her parents when they are spanking her? Now, I don't know what means, how often or any of the details of what goes on in that house, but I know I had a hard time explaining to my daughter why it was that her friend's mom spanked her and why that should be ok.

I actually have no problem with spanking. I chose not to displine my child that way and she is very well behaved in most situations.

Just food for thought, we all know kids imitate words that we say without knowing what they mean...they will also imitate actions.

[Manne85]

I believe it`s wrong to spank children. I am from Norway, and it`s not normal to do this here. And it`s actiually against the law. My grandfather did it to my father. But I dont know anyone hwo does it anymore.. I have a bachelor in "child protector services", and we learned at school that when you use spanking as punnichment, the child may stop doing the wrong thing. But just in fear of being spanked, insted of understanding that the action in it selv is wrong. And as others are saying, what are we teaching our children if we try to learn them to not hit others, if we do it our self..?

[Bec caV]

Okay, well first of all, you never spank your child as discipline for hitting someone, that sends the wrong message.
Secondly, you never spank your child hard enough to hurt them. Paddling, using the belt, ect is NOT acceptable.
Third, past a certain age it is not wise to spank your child.
Fourth, you never spank your child when you are angry (people hit harder than they think they are when angry)
Fifth, only spank in severe situations. If spanking is the only form of discipline, then that is wrong.
Sixth (I'm getting quite a list here), spanking is to get a message across. That message is "Listen to me, what you are doing is wrong, so put your attention on me" and then tell them WHAT they did wrong. You do not go up to a child, spank them, and not tell them why. That goes for any sort of punishments from time outs to spankings.

Those are simple things that really work for any punishment, actually. But the goal of spanking is NEVER to harm the child. THOSE days are over.