No sex for almost a year after birth?

[Josh0260]

So this is the fist time I have posted anything on this forum, and it's not a post about our beautiful daughter, as you can guess from the thread title. My wife gave birth to our daughter about 10 months ago. We have not had intercourse since before the birth, and our other sexual interactions have been extremely limited. She seems to have no interest in any type of sex. Thinking back on our visits to her OBGYN before and just after the birth, I think I remember him saying that we couldn't have sex for 8 weeks or so -- or at least as long as it took for the stitches and so forth to heal. I was certainly expecting that, but I didn't expect to find myself almost a year later in this situation.

I feel embarassed about asking my friends about this, so, oddly, I thought I'd ask on here. Has anyone else had this experience? Is it normal for her interest in sex to be disappear for so long? I'm really struggling and thinking about suggesting that we talk to a counselor.

[H.Starr]

Hi Josh. I am a mom, so I can't tell you I've been in your position, but I can help to explain it from your wife's end.
I can't tell you anything 100% since I don't know either of you, but I can generalize.
Most women are not very interested in sex after having a baby. For just about everyone, frequency drops dramatically.
We're tired. We're sore. We have more "important" things to think about. I know it all sounds like weak excuses, but I assure you, they're very real.
My husband and I used to have sex more than rabbits before our son was born. Now, its when we "get around to it." He of course is willing 99% of the time, wheras I am willing about 15% of the time.
Reason? I just flat out don't feel like it.
There's a good chance your wife doesn't feel attractive anymore. She might still be carrying some baby weight, she might be a little squishier in some places than she once was, certain parts of hers might be sitting lower than they used to, she might have stretch marks. (again, I can't SAY, I don't know her) If any or all of those is true (in HER eyes, not necessarily YOURS) she might just feel sexy anymore. She just feels like a mom. And while some men think the "MILF" thing is hot, most women who are mothers take a while to start to feel sexy again.
My son is 9 months old. I feel like a fat old cow. I'll be blunt with you. My boobs...not as perky as they used to be. My butt, hanging a little lower these days. My stomach, much softer than ever before. Abs? What are those?
My husband SWEARS he doesn't notice and that I'm still attractive, but I don't FEEL it. Why would I want to get naked when I feel like all he'll think is "Whoa! Look at that gut!"
Quite possibly your wife feels the same.
Also, is she breastfeeding? I never did, but some women I know who did, said they felt like during that, their body was for their baby ONLY. I can't explain that one since it never happened to me, but its a thought.

Anyway, my point is, chances are, YOU aren't the problem. Its not that she doesn't love you, isn't attracted to you, doesn't enjoy your sex. Most likely, SHE'S the problem. She doesn't feel attractive, she has no energy, she's constantly thinking/worried about the baby and doesn't want to think about sex.

Try talking to her. When the baby is taking a nap and there are no distractions. Sit down with her and explain to her gently that you think she's beautiful and you love her very much and that you don't want to sound like an a**, but you really miss sex. Tell her how good she is at it and how much you love it WITH HER, and tell her that by her not having sex, it makes you feel like she isn't attracted to you anymore or doesn't care about you like she once did.
Chances are she'll be able to explain to you exactly what her reasons are for not, and hopefully you guys can work through it.
If you're anything like my husband, you try to convince her often. You have to be careful how you do that though, or you'll just sound like an inconsiderate self centered jerk. You need to make sure you explain that you understand her situation. You know the baby is exhausting, you know she has a lot to worry about. But let her know that she is hurting your feelings and making you worried about where your marriage is heading. She might not have ever thought of it from your angle before. And you can never tell her too much that you think she's beautiful and still sexy, and you still love to see her naked.

Anyway, I hope this helps....

[jazzymae]

i have to agree with H.STARR

even though i am starting to feel sexy again, there is just those days when you go out in see, your old body on someone else. lol
try to make her feel sexy again, tell her she is sexy, talk nasty sometimes when you see her body when she get out the shower. you might get denied sometimes, but when you make her feel, just like she felt before the baby. the i Guarantee she will be willing.

[Mikey_BKK]

I am at a year and counting, no feeling = no sex, no exceptions. I see nothing wrong with it to be honest. All is about feeling, I'm sure the girls above pointed you in the right direction
-
Michael
Father of Idea, the good idea

[KayLady]

I think marital counseling could help just because some people don't realize how important sex is to a marriage. On the breastfeeding thing, it can also suppress those hormones that get women "in the mood". It is normal, different women do take a different amount of time to feel sexy again. Encourage her to exercise, that helps the libido, regardless of her body image. Also, what always works for me is a good old fashioned date and lots of affection.

[blndflm]

I definitely agree with everything the other women have said, but I want to add an addition to what they have said. Our baby is 7 mo. old and we still haven't since before birth. There are many circumstances that can keep you from this. A lot to do with not feeling sexy, being tired, and then there is just the day to day mundane chores etc.. If your wife is a stay at home mom like I am, I can honestly say that a change of scenery is nice. Not to mention that I think Romance went out the window awhile ago. I don't think Men realize that not only do women need to feel sexy, but even if we don't we still want to be wooed. Try a Romantic evening with your wife, get a babysitter or family member to watch the baby and go out for a nice dinner and maybe even go to a nice hotel for an evening. I just had this conversation with my husband the other night, about how our relationship was lacking Romance. You'd be surprised how a little of that can go a long ways with women.. Just a suggestion.

[latina45]

I definitely disagree with all of you. If it is not a medical reason to have sex with your man, it is wrong. I was a first time mom at 44 and after having her by a C-section I didn't wait too long just 4 weeks to be with my husband and if we don't do it in seven day max I will have a say. My husband is so romantic, he is always telling me how good I look (even though I am not at that moment) he is always given me compliments. You just need to remind her the times you two had before the baby. I don't believe that you can be soooooo tired to be with your husband. I can understand a few days but 10 months! Please ladies then don't ask why your husbands look somewhere else what they don't have at home if not ask John and Kate plus 8.
Just my opinion.

[wigget]

aside from not feeling sexy, most women just don't feel like having sex after the birth of a child. i hear that's actually quite the norm. from what i've gathered, you have to just do it, even when you don't want to. it's part of the bond you have with each other. and the less often you initiate sex, the more she'll feel less attractive. so just go for it!

[Amelia09]

WOW! a year? I feel for you Josh... It has GOT to be hard for both of you. I can definately see both sides, but may tend to side with you in this area.... it's one thing from the woman to feel fat and unsexy and do it less frequently, but not even to TRY it??? After my son was born I had a 4th degree tear - the WORST one you could possibly have. I am small and my baby, although average size, did quite a number on me! So, I went to get my check up at the 6th week mark and got the go ahead from the doc... It took me a couple days to muster up the strength, but I tried and my husband was patient - after a few weeks of the uncomfortable start, it got better. Those times he was more in the mood than I was, I went with it, and then I got in the mood...

I agree that you that you should be compassionate and sensitive of the way she feels... but I really think she needs to at least TRY it even if she doesn't feel like it... it is an important part of the relationship.

There are OTHER things you can do, I am not sure why she isn't willing to do that. Having a baby is exhausting - but you make time....

[jesseque]

ok havent reaD what everyone else said so this might be repeat sorry if so but i know i was scared of not pleasing my husband and then just having baby i mean i have three and even with one thats the last thing on my mind somedays well here are some suggestions to help her get her groove abck yall have a day with no kids/baby and make her feel beautiful and like she is number one again or just gett a movie and put the baby to bed and cuddle and last but not least have u asled her y she is not ready i mean yes we might not always get out our feelings in a way u can understand but we really like it when u talk to us bout ur feelings on how u feel and i dont mean say something like why the hell wont u sleep with me lol try something like can we talk bout starting slow well i hope u get something i know my husband complains after three days so im sorry that u have had ot wait this long

[blondesmurf223]

My husband and I have always had the opposite problem (I have a much higher sex drive than he does), so I know how hard it is when your partner isn't interested. Here's some advice that may, or may not, apply:

* When I'm not having sex I get extremely irritable. When I'm irritable I snap, say rude things to my husband, etc. and (not surprisingly) he doesn't want to have sex with me. I had to try very hard to be loving and nice to my husband (I know that sounds awful!) every day. I would kiss him, hug him, talk to him nicely, be polite, make him dinner, etc. After about a week, he liked me again and we started having sex again :)

* Fairly recently, I was on medication that zapped my sex drive away and I really missed it! My doctor recommended B6, 30 mg, twice a day and it actually worked!! If you can try to get your wife to understand how important sex is, then maybe she'd be willing to try that.

* And of course, counseling could definitely help.

I really do feel for you. I would hate to be a male and have this problem with a female. When a guy wants sex all the time, he's a pig, or too horny, but that's not the case. Everyone is different and it's very hard to find someone with the same sex drive.

Good luck!

[christinas1]

Wow!, that's a long time we personally couldn't wait the 6 weeks my o.b. said to wait it was more like 4 1/2- 5 we took it slow and easy the first few times.

I recommend you talk to her, try not to make her feel bad about it tell her she's beautiful, take her out to a romantic dinner (get a babysitter) I know of a couple who's husband goes and gets flowers, knocks on the door to "pick up his wife for their date" make her feel wanted,sexy,try different things if it does not work you might even suggest some kind of sex counseling or have her talk to her doctor about it. Good Luck!!!

[wright1212]

I have been there before too. Here are the tips I have gathered:
- Birth Control is evil! Not until I stopped taking it last summer did I realize how much it supressed libdo.
- They say morning is the most hightened time
- after a shower helps me, dont wanna be dirty or prickly
- a movie with her favorite actor
- for at least a week do lots to help so she is not so drained
- find gentle ways to touch like smoothing her hair, holding hands
- if she is willing a little drink can help loosen nerves up, especially if she is afraid
- if my dh is a butt there is no way its happening, no forgetting things or showing up late or smart remarks can all instantly put things in the NO column
- do sweet things, but not too out of character for you like say i heard a song that makes me think of you, or while watching tv say you would look so good in that dress
- dont do all those things then make it known what you expect-that is a major turn off, go into with no expectations except you want her to feel good and loved

Hope this helps, when it does happen make sure to totally put her needs first, then dont go more than 2 weeks without trying again...like they say its easy to get in the rut and stay there, its just as easy to go right back in it. If this is your first baby your gonna have to come to a quick realization...with a family its easier to schedule your special time...like saturday nights.

[ccounsellor]

Try taking the expectation of sex out of your mind and focus on enjoying each others body. Tell your wife you just want to give her a massage. Use a nice sexy smelling oil. Do a good massage for at least ten minutes or so then let your hands roam a bit. Kiss the small of her back and the back of her neck. Do light feathering sweeps up and down her arms with your finger tips. Trace circles from her toes up her leg as far as you think she feels comfortable. Coax her to roll onto her back. Kiss her passionately then move down her body. If she'll let you give her oral sex that might just help her realize that she misses good lov'n too.
Keep in mind that sex, of any kind, is not the current goal. If she stops you at any point, tell yourself its OK. Smile at her and then just snuggle up telling her how much you love her and enjoy her body. DO NOT ASK HER TO PLEASURE YOU! Make this massage about her. Hope this help.

[JMJ10]

I kind of skimmed every ones posts. Sorry but if I took the time to read each one I wouldn't have a chance to reply. I can understand why she would have a hard time. I have always had a hard time after having a baby. I am still having problems getting in the mood after having the twins. To understand this you would have to look how the advents that lead up to sex look in both my husbands and my eyes.

First my husbands eyes. The kids are all down asleep and it has been a while. Now would be great. He also says that watching me with the kids turns him on.

Now my way of looking at it. I spent all day running after kids and wishing for some time just to be. I just got all the kids to bed then bath, diaper, pjs, story and nursing for each of the twins individually so that they get some alone time with me. Then I turn around and my husband want my attention. All I want to do at this time is just be. I don't want to be a wife or a mother for a good 30 minutes. Also I am looking at the time figuring out how long I got before I have to get up to feed the twins again. I am also very tired. Then to top it off I look at my body differently well I am nursing. It is too functional until about 20 minutes after I am done nursing the babies. As you can see it would be very hard to get in the mood.

The way it has worked for us as first we kind of plan it out. He gets the kids ready for bed and I just do something I enjoy. I still have to help some with getting them to bed because the kids will only let me do somethings and I am still nursing the little ones. Then he has to cater to me and even then I just can't get in the mood. It isn't from a lack of trying and it isn't him. I know how hard it must be. Also the first time is the hardest because I was so much into being a mommy that it was hard for me to view myself as a wife again. Just don't put to much pressure on her and try to give her some alone time before hand. I am not sure of any of this helped but I hope you got something from it.

[texasrandi]

My husband and I had a similar problem after our daughter was born. It was me, not him, that had the problem and I knew it, and I didn't particularly care, but I knew it was important to our marriage to make some special time. The main thing my husband was very patient and understanding and spent a lot of mornings in bed alone an extra 15 minutes to keep himself satisfied. But, this is what we found worked for us:

- morning or early morning (still dark outside) we could sneak in a 15-30 minute time when our duaghter was sound asleep and then we'd fall back asleep a few hours before she woke up - I was too exhausted to do anything in the evening and if it's early enough in the morning you can always go back to sleep and you don't mind the morning breath as much.

- cuddling, snuggling, holding hands while watching tv, sweet little things made us feel closer and made me want my husband more - I knew he wanted to be close to me, not just have sex, but just to be with me.

- lube, and lots of it - KY, whatever, even if I wasn't completely in the mood and we were having "pity" sex, I wasn't going to be hurt or uncomfortable and we didn't have to spend a ton of time on foreplay - nothing more irritaiting than getting worked up and ready to go to have the baby wake up because foreplay took too long.

- we took warm showers together - during this time, we could talk about our day and actually have a conversation and once all soaped up and rinsed off, snuggle together under the spray of the shower - quite a mood maker, actually!

- I told my husband to not expect more than once a week, that way I set a goal for myself for us to have our time together and I could surprise hime with extras when I felt like it.

Good luck! Don't give up and take the time to talk. Don't let this hurt your marriage. You love each other and have a beautiful child together and with all changes, it takes time to adjust. Just don't get in a rush and take that time and realize things will get better, keep working at it.

[MommyToConnor]

Give her a romantic evening. If it happens, it happens. Talk to her about it. Also, don't be upset. You have no idea what pregnancy and childbirth feels like. It does a lot to a woman, especially to her self esteem if she doesn't feel attractive.

[Octopus Mom]

This is an extremely difficult situation to be in. I know that women are not interested in sex after they have a baby..probably nature's way of ensuring that we not get pregnant TOO soon afterwards. Still, a year is excessive. I would suggest along with the other gals, that you talk to your wife and explain very delicately, how you feel. DO NOT accuse her or make her feel like she needs to choose between you and your new baby. But you need to let her know how you feel. There are things you can both do to get in the mood and she may need to start off slowly.

ONE THING I CAN SAY....is that women are not in the mood to have sex if they feel like they are doing everything! Are you helping with the baby as much as you can, doing the dishes, helping out around the house? When women get overwhelmed, the first thing that goes is their sex drive. After the birth of our son, my husband took him for the evening so I could go to dinner with a few friends. After a nice evening out, I felt relaxed and rejuvenated...what followed was a nice romantic night with my husband. Try asking her what you can do for her tonight....and you may be surprised how easily she opens up.

www.octopusmom.com

[bvas81]

How does anyone really know where to meet in the middle? and where the heck is the middle? LOL.
A spouse says, I get mad if I don't get the intimacy of sex.
Spouse B says, I get mad cause you don't leave me alone.
Either way, someone kind of looses, even if.
Spouse A gets what he may think is still (even though anything may be better than nothing) little sex.
Spouse B gives sex cause they MAY feel they have to not cause they want to.

All I know is (I read this somewhere) and understand..
the person who needs the intimacy feels..
When I'm in bed staring at the ceiling and you are next to me sleeping..
It's the loneliest feeling in the world.
Maybe even more lonelier if you weren't even there.
Cause you don't even notice me and you are next to me.

If physically you weren't next to me and I couldn't touch you maybe it would be ok.. cause you can't expect something from air or something that isn't even there.. in your reach....

[jbrowndds]

I can say that I know for a fact you are definitely not alone. Personally, I feel that having your first child is a wonderful experience, however, it brings with it many things you never expected. When I had my first child, no one ever said how hard things were going to actually be. I knew they would be tough, but not as tough as they really were. I feel that people sugar-coated parenting and omitted all of the tough stuff that goes along with all the miracles. This leaves a lot of people questioning their ability to be parents (let alone good ones). The amount of stress parenting can place on both dad and mom is tremendous and I feel is it is one of the toughest things both myself and my husband have ever gone through (and still continues to be). That said, it is one of the most wonderful, rewarding and amazing things too. I know this is not the case for everyone, but I have a career in which I interact with many, many people on a regular basis and talk about many things, especially the trials of being a parent. So this topic and others in parenting come up a lot. It is can be difficult for a woman (sometimes men too)to feel sexual after kids (and, sometimes it lasts for years :(). It can be very taxing to know that you never seem to have a moment to yourself and that there is always someone needing or wanting you for something. This is especially true if you had a lot of free time before kids and grandiose expectations about what parenting would really be like. There are two books I would recommend reading that I feel you will find helpful. One of them is biblically based (but even if you are atheist the MESSAGE is amazing and has little to do with religion and more about understanding different people needs and desires in relationships). The two books are :"The Five Love Languages," by Gary Chapman and "the Sexless Marriage," (Can't remember the author but it can be bought at Barnes and Noble, etc.). The answer and cure to your question can't be answered in a five minute post. I truly believe that as a married couple with kids, you are now new and different people, both individually and together. The rules have changed and so you need new directions on how to play the game. Get the books. Read them alone first and then read them with your spouse. Communicate. Don't be defensive or critical. Just be honest and loving in your pursuit to grow together rather than apart. The first book is the BEST one, so if you only get one, that would be the one to get. Hope that helps!

[giraffes_buddy]

This is kind of an old thread to reply to, and I'm not even sure the OP is still around, but here's a take that I've not seen yet: maybe the wife is experiencing actual pain during intercourse. Not the achy discomforts of recovering from pregnancy and motherhood, but actual pain.

Episiotomies leave scar tissue, and I know for a fact that stretching that scar the first several times HURT. Like, tears-in-my-eyes, just-get-it-over-with, and don't-ever-touch-me-again painful hurt. Penetration felt like a red-hot knife cutting through me. If you think I wanted sex after that, you're nuts.

If that wasn't enough, for the first year or so after my son was born, I had the same searing, cutting pain further up. I couldn't figure out what the problem was, and I was almost to the point of thinking it was in my head.

Then, a few months ago, the hostess on Playboy Radio's "Afternoon Advice" show (yes, some women do listen to that stuff) had an OB/GYN on the show to interview, and a guy called in with a similar issue - very, very little sex for over a year after his wife gave birth, and when they had it, his wife complained of searing vaginal pain. The doctor said that it's possible that his wife could have experienced rips in her vaginal wall that went undiagnosed, and that the pain was caused by the stretching of the scar tissue. The doc said that it's not horribly uncommon during births where the baby passes through the birth canal very quickly. That's exactly why I landed up with an episiotomy, and the description of the type and location of the pain fit me to a "T".

If you're wife is complaining of pain, have her see her gynecologist. I wish I would have.

[NaomiK]

I didnt read all the replies so forgive me if I duplicate. My daughter is 18 months old. I still dont want to have sex. I do it because he wants to and I know it hurts his feelings if I dont. And usually once we are in the act, Im all for it. Its getting there in the first place that is hard for me. I can say that even a year and a half later I still dont feel sexy. I feel like my body will be ugly forever. He tells me all the time how good I look and how sexy I am, but like someone else said, I just dont FEEL it.

Something else that keeps me from it is when its 11:00 at night, I have to be up by five. I have worked 9 hours, cooked dinner, dishes, read books, sang songs, did bath, bedtime, laundry, homework, etc. When I lay down for bed I want to sleep! He has different hours than I do. He can go to bed at eleven and gets to sleep until 9. I cant do that. I am extremely tired. I will make time for sex if he comes to me earlier in the evening. Like right after the baby goes to bed. Im much more willing then.

Some of the other posts said to help her around the house so she isnt as tired. I agree, but dont just do it when you want sex! I need help all the time, not just when you want something in return.

A drink always helps me, but we got to a point that he would say "why do you need a drink to want me". So I stopped that.

He tends to get really irratible when we dont have sex. He will mope around and just be an ass. I have told him before, that makes me want to do it even less. He has gotten better about it.

The thing that changed it for me was, he sat me down and told me everything he was feeling. He said, I know your busy and I know you have other things on your mind, but sometimes I think you kinda forget about me. I need you. I need to have that intimate relationship. Basically, I hurt his self esteem and confidence. I felt terrible because I had no idea that I was doing that. Now, I try much harder and I have sex even when I dont really want to because I know its important for him.

Something else that helps me, I know this sounds weird, but when I get a night out with just my girls, I am ready for sex when i come home. Maybe because I am so pleased that he didnt give me a hard time about going out, didnt call and ask me when I was comming home. Or maybe because other guys will hit on me and that makes me feel sexy. When my husband tells me im hott...well that is what he is supposed to say. but if a stranger says it, it feels more true.

I have thought about counseling, but we really cant afford anything like that right now.
Oh I wanted to mention to you, maybe I am a rare case, but after the babys birth, we waited the six weeks. And even then, I was in alot of pain. It hurt to have sex for months. Even now, on occasion, it will hurt. Someone else mentioned Lube --- need it.

Best of luck

[assmith24]

Josh,

I saw your question on the frontpage and felt compelled to answer, especially after reading some of the previous replies. Since it has been almost a year since the birth, and since you mention it is not just intercourse that she is uninterested in, it is ALL sexual activity, I wonder if the problem is something else aside from the standard "oooh...it hurts for a while after you've had baby". It is indeed possible that pain is all she is worried about, but I can't venture a guess on that since I don't know how difficult the birth was. I will say that I know many women who've had difficult births, especially those who had stitches, and it takes them many months if not more to enjoy sex again. Conversely, there are those like myself who resume sexual activities as soon as possible...I only waited 2 weeks and had only very mild pain. The only way to find out about pain is to ask her if she experiences pain during masturbation/tampon insertion or if she's just heard too many horror stories about it and is afraid to try.

Some of the other issues other posters have mentioned, such as how drained a new mom can feel if she is the constant caregiver and nurser of the child. I will say from personal experience that the stress of staying at home with an infant does really do a number on your desire most days. I find I really have to work at romance on most days now, whereas before baby our sex life was great. The thing that I find helps most moms is just some time to relax at the end of the day. Make sure she gets out to do her own thing regularly, and letting her have some downtime at the end of the day with a nice bath or something while you watch baby is always a good option.

If you're already doing these things, which I'd guess you probably are since you're posting here looking for more info, I'd begin to wonder if she is depressed or is having some hormonal imbalances. The total lack of desire for any sexual activity means a lot here, especially if she had a normal to high sex drive before baby. Sexual desire doesn't usually completely disappear for so long unless something else is at play. It could just be some postpartum hormone issues as I mentioned above, but does she seem OK with life in general? Is she still participating in other activities/hobbies that she has always enjoyed? Is she sleeping and/or crying a lot more than she used to? If these things are problems, you might want to look into postpartum depression.

On the hormone side, breastfeeding will have an impact on desire. But from what I've seen, it doesn't shut it down completely for long periods of time. Has she started taking birth control pills or other hormonal birth control methods again? Even if she's on the same kind that she used to be on, it might not work the same now that her body chemistry is different after baby. If she has switched to a different brand than she used to be on, that may also be the culprit. There are other medications that can interfere with sex drive as well, so if she's started a new medication since baby, you may want to look into that as a possible side effect (a prime example is SSRIs)

Without knowing anything else, this is all I could come up with. I hope you two are able to sort this out.

[lindyloo]

Hey
Yeah it can take a while for your partner to get back into sex after pregnancy (http://www.sexafterpregnancy.net). It can be a number of things so the first thing is you need to sit down and talk about the issue with her. Try and figure out the problems and maybe how to resolve them.

The second thing is you may have to start with the whole romance thing. Take her out to dinner, take her dancing, dinner on the beach. You need to start paying her a lot of attention and get her wanting you again.

Just sit down with her, you will find that will make a world of difference.

Good luck

[Endy72LM]

Being a first time mom myself and a stay-at-home military mom/wife, I understand how your wife feels. Unfortunately I handle everything in the household from cleaning to paying the bills, making the "important calls", etc. so I get tired.

If a new mom doesn't get tired, she must have her child in day care. I know from experience that breast-breeding does make a mom look at herself differently.

I wasn't able to continue to breast feed my son, but as he has grown over the last 19 1/2 months he has begun to use mommy's body parts as handles to climb onto my lap. Not exactly something to be cheering over. :o) Being insecure about oneself, sometimes takes longer than we want it too. I am still having trouble with it myself. It has been 7 months for my husband & I being intimate.

Offer to watch the little one for a little while so that your wife can have time alone to herself. Like maybe take herself to a movie or go shopping with a friend or even just to relax at home with a good book. Just knowing that you are willing to take care of everything for her means a lot, because new mom's don't get "time-off"...EVER!!!

[NaomiK]

I just have to respond the the last post.

If a new mom doesn't get tired, she must have her child in daycare....
What does that mean exactly?

I don't mean to be rude, but I take offense to that. I am a working mother, my child is in daycare and I promise you I am just as tired as you are.

Incase your not sure, not only do I work 40 hours a week, but every night when I come home I cook dinner, do the dishes, do a load of laundry, sweep the floor, read books with my daughter, take her for a walk, give her a bath, put her to bed, finish the laundry and do any other cleaning that needs to be done. I still am the one who cleans the bathrooms, vacumes, takes care of the "calls", makes appointments, pays the bills, takes my baby to the doctor, takes the dog to the vet, I still am the one who goes grocery shopping, and all the same things you do. And by the way, I am going to college. So please dont tell me that mothers whose child is in daycare are not tired. Just because I dont have the opportunity to spend the day with my child doesnt mean I dont work my ass off all day too. And I want to point out, that not only do I take care of the above items (plus), but I also have to deal with deadlines, projects, presentations, etc.

And if you are wondering, my husband does help some with the house, but he works more hours than I do so I go out of my way not to ask him to do anything. He doesnt get home until 10 sometimes.

[H.Starr]

Naomi, I agree with you. That was kind of a stupid thing to say.

I am a stay at home mom. I do all the housework, take care of our son all day, and still have sex with my husband every night.

Yes, I'm tired. So what? I'd be a lot more tired if I had a "real job" and had my son in daycare all day because then I'd have a lot less time to do the same cleaning/housework/quality time with my son when I got home from work at night.

Now. If I was a stay at home mom and sent my son to daycare all day because I sucked at being a mother, then fine, I'd have no right to complain about being tired. But just to generalize on people whose children are in daycare, because of a job, just doesn't even make any sense.

[NaomiK]

I thought about it after I posted my response. And there is a possibility that I misinterpreted that statement. So IF that is the case, I want to apologize for going off about it. Otherwise, my previous statements stand. And I know I got way off topic of the post and Im sorry for that too.

H.Starr. - I dont have sex with my husband every night, but I think about it lol. My sex drive has gone down so much that there are alot of times when I dont want to, but I do anyway. Plus I know that once Im in the act Ill enjoy it :)
And you do have a "real job"! Thats not what I was trying to say lol. You have a great real job! SAHMs work their asses off, I know because I did it for a while. I feel like I am the only parent at home when my husband doesnt get home from work until we go to bed, but anyway, you have every reason to be tired, just as I do. I agree with your last statement. It would be different if I was a new mom who sent her child to daycare to do whatever she wanted all day. Thats why I thought maybe I misunderstood her. Ah well

The point is, for working moms or SAHMs, we all do what we feel we have to do for our families. No reason to put one or the other down because its not what you do.

[WetStop3]

I recall that as a new mom, i felt that everyone and everything was constantly taking from me (my time, my energy, my thoughts, my body) and very little was being done to replenish me. This made me feel a bit resentful and sex became a day-end chore among the list of many. However, when I was wanted outside the bedroom, my thoughts and company was desired in a non-sexual way, and that my feelings and time was respected, my gestures appreciated, that I felt loved, and given-to, all of it .... OUTSIDE of the bedroom, all of it made me more receptive in the bedroom later. I can't explain it other than that. Any ladies out there relate to that?

[Heidi123]

Is she breastfeeding? Breastfeeding can completely zap a mother's sex drive. It has to do with hormones that are released. So with that, and taking care of a baby, that could be a lot of it. I'd talk with her and see how she's feeling.

[Zack_Jenn]

I know one thing that stopped me from wanting sex that I haven't seen mentioned is the thought that it could result in another baby. Being a new mom is so high stress and for me it was REALLY painful for almost a year after our first was born. We were using protection, but still managed to get pregnant before our first was 7 months old.

[crinklyta]

Well i just can say, when my first son was born was a vaginaly delivery so i was really afraid of having sex again because i was so afraid that the episiotomy will open again or that will hurt so much that i didn't really enjoy it. After almost 8 months when my baby didn't want more brast milk i was so depress that my husband take me out to have dinner and we have a beer, then the second one and then the third; i cant remember how much i drink in the nigth but at the end of the nigth we have sex without pain or fear, maybe you should try that too.

I just know that i was so relax because of so much beer that i really enjoy it and i wasn't afraid at all. Good luck!!!

[jsekpace+1]

Ok......Almost a year without...Not good for any one in the family. Women need sex just like men do. Though men may think about it 100 times more than we do (especially after giving birth), but we as normal humans need the pleasure and the connection with our spouses. A marriage without a healthy sexual relationship shows in the daily lives of us (the care takers), the men (the providers) and even our children. If they do not witness a loving mom and dad(who can really be loving without being loved), they will never know or understand how to show love.

Though your wife may feel fat, tired, "not in the mood"...She needs to make an effort to take care of your relationship...(you know the one that was fun and brought the perfect baby to you in the first place)....Hopefully with a little romance and some time away from baby....She will remeber how wonderful a great sex life was!

[jb1978]

i have to say i am a mother of a beautiful baby boy,ever since i was 2months pregnant my husband and i stopped having sex it was because of some medical problems i was having so it was cool,no worries....my baby is 3months old now and theres still no action in the bedroom,and i do take care of my baby the whole day,i clean the house,i do laundry EVERYTHING!but at the end of the day when my husband comes from work i still have time for him and i wish that he had time for me too....i miss it and i don't want to seem pushy so i am waiting for him to make a move but its not happening i don't know whats wrong but this. feels weird,not good,makes me feel like i have been switched to "being a mom 24/7" and pretty much the wife role is gone out the window and not because i want it to.
so i feel your pain i cant really give you any advice because i don't know what to do myself i just thought i would let you know how it feels from a mom's point of view.

[lora1]

Here's hoping that you have finally had sex, since I know this is a little late but I am new to the forum. I have four kids and we never waited the six weeks. (On average 4) My first OB told me 3-4 weeks. She (Yes it was a woman) actually said it would be harder the longer you wait. As I tell everyone who will listen, I am glad I did not, because I would probably not have wanted to do it. I think my OB was right. Yes, i had vaginal births, and yes I had stitches etc, and yes, I wasn't over the moon with joy the first time (or even the 2).
Let's try some practical advice.
1. I agree with what had been said before...tell her how you feel. Let her know how much you just miss even the intimacy, etc, not to mention the sex.
One of the problems I noticed with every child is that as a mom you really bond with the baby and you don't want anything to come between you and the child and I am sorry, sex comes between you and the child. We are so in love with that little person that loving you too is almost an insult to the baby. I think that is one of the reasons my OB said to get it done. She knew from experience what we go through as moms and how hard it is to separate, unless you are forced to separate.
2. Next set the stage. Have her agree to a day and time (i.e., next Tuesday at 10 if the baby is asleep) Then she knows, she agreed, no surprises, no excuses.
3. Buy her a trashy romance novel, and something sexy to wear that will cover her tummy. Like a pretty negligee (no thong undies, no peek-a-boo tops, nothing constricting around her chest if she is nursing)
4. Help out that day as much as possible, so she can remember what it like to be a person and not an attachment.
5. This is a little graphic but you men are a little scary looking to someone who just had a baby. That fully erect manhood can be off-putting. So have a drink yourself so that you may not be as turgid, or even take care of matters earlier in the day so that its the second time for you that day, and you are not as erect . This is one time when size matters, and not for the bigger.

Hope this helps...I can tell you from experience that it helped me.

[Bby Bella o8]

Hi Girls/Hi Guys!
Actually, this is the first time I have written in blogs and I decided on this one because I’ve been going through this issues with my husband till this day and my daughter is soon to be two years old… I read some of everyone else’s post and I do agree with them.
I’m 24yrs old, living in Puerto Rico, Student, MSW and first time mom and after I gave birth it was like I forgot about him… I was and still am in love with my daughter that all I did and talk about was her. I still do, it is sad because I know he needs my attention and in the long run it will bring problems… Plus I have issues with my body which I still am trying to resolve and now the confident that I once had I lost. It’s actually best to communicate with her and knowledge her at times, don’t over do it because we do notice and actually mean it. I know he looks at other women and it does extremely bother me because at the end of the day he goes home with me but sometimes you guys need to be discreet when looking at other women in front of us…
I hope I helped a little bit, I know I’m young and I might not be an expert. But I try!

[thirtysomething]

Hi Josh! Maybe if you try talking with your wife and finding out from her wheather or not she is having issues. I have been married to my hubby for 15 years and we have 7 children (17 years to 6 months). We talk about everything and I have told him that I feel like a marshmellow that someone let the air out of! I reallly do... my body has been more like a baby factory than a sex machine! We still are intimate but not as much as we were before our children were born.. we had even more sex when trying to get pregnant and now we have decided that 7 is enough and his attempted vasectomy didn't work so we are trying to be cautious when having intimate moments and that in it's self can damper the mood. Maybe she is afraid of getting pregnant. That possible chance of pregnancy sure had on quite a few occaisions put a damper on me wanting to have sex. You need to talk with her and tell her how you miss the intimancey that you two used to share and that it is important to you to talk and figure out together what the issues may be. Sometimes I would rather have my hubby hold me and give me a back and neck rub because I am just too tired from the day to day activities! Good luck!

[Dad-of-2]

I realize that the dynamics and demographics of this site are geared towards the women as a maroiry, but I have to balk at this poor guys plight having turned into a bunch of women now trying to convince each other that they are better parents and that they have guilt sex with thier spouces even if they don't want to.

Do you think that us men are too dumb to know when you're doing it because you want to and when you think you have to. It's a very difficult thing to deal with daily when your spouce doesn't WANT to have any physical intimacy with you.

I can feel for this guy as my son just turned 2 and we've had sex exactly 1 time since he was born. It did hurt and she said so. We were going to work through it, but she pulled away instead. I liken her response (and many of the women here) to the way I attended class in college. It's very easy to skip that first time and go back to class (or have sex) the second time, but the longer you go without, the more intimidating it is to start back up. There are so many what if's (and you women are famous for what-if'ing a situation to death)

the op didn't say specifically if he had even spoken to his wife about the situation and/or her response, other than the fact that she has pulled away. Since they HAVEN'T had sex since the baby, she doesn't even know if it WILL hurt or not, but you don't know if you don't try.

I sincerely hope that the OP didn't get scared off by so many women offing up opinions.

I realize that child birth is a very trying ordeal for the woman, but we also don't know the family dynamics of the op either, it might have been a harrowing experience for him too, but the men are not allowed to express this lest we be chastised for being cruel and unfeeling.

Child rearing can be very exhausting and draining but it in itself doesn't directly effect the libido of the person unless you allow it to become all encompassing and a drain on all your energy. Stay at home parents don't get vacations and never get to go home from thier work, it's there when you wake up, it's there when you eat dinner, and it's there when you go to bed. But it can't change the way a person thinks or feels only how much energy they have left over at the end of the day.

Sit down with your wife and calmly express your concerns and feeling, but FOR GOD'S SAKE, don't tell her that you want sex or that you miss sex. I'd lay odd that she'd take it as a personal insult and withdraw or withhold out of the negativity or resentment. Just let her know that you miss the closeness that you had before.

Next, take every oportunity to let her know that you think about her in an intimate way, a dirty note left in her car, flowers, buy her something sexy, touch (no pinch or slap) when you walk past. A few simple things will go farther to respark the flame than direct contact. Then there are the obvious motives (Tell her she looks sexy in the morning, compliment her hair, let her know that she's a great mom) Think back to when you are dating and try to do a few of the cheesy things that you did to originally win her heart.

Skip the back rubs, she'll think you have alterior motives and you'll get arroused way before she does.


I said some very direct things here and they are not meant to attack or begrudge anyone individually or personally, so I'm sorry if you take offense to my comments

[S's Mom]

Okay, admittedly I have not read every single post in this thread...but honestly, no matter what the reason or excuse is...it is not normal or okay (in my book anyway) to go this long without sex with your HUSBAND! Whether or not to go to counseling has too many unknown factors that only the two of you will know. Is she willing to try, how much does it upset you, how often have you talked to her about it, etc., etc.

As a woman, I understand the fears and the nervousness. I can definitely understand being tired all the time and how that effects being in the mood. I also know how important that intimacy is to feel connected to my husband. I think you should talk to your wife first and go from there. Does she need to feel more sexy (compliments and romance go a long way here)? Does she need more sleep (sometimes taking the kids in the morning and letting her sleep in can reward you later when the kids are in bed)? Is she scared or nervous, can you calm her fears by talking to her or by physical means?

The frequency of sex varies in each relationship because you have two different people involved. I can't even imagine going longer than the required 6 weeks after childbirth without having sex with my husband. Doesn't mean that some nights sleep doesn't win out, but it does mean that sometimes the dishes have to wait until the next day or clean laundry stayed in the dryer overnight so that I can enjoy that time with my husband. We (both of us) need that connection time, not just the physical aspect, but the whole shabang. The conversation, the touching, the physical connection in addition to the emotional one that we are in this life together as a team.

Just my thoughts.

[krys2009]

i completely agree with latina 45!! i had c-section & was up & running in the 5thor6th week. there are just some things that you have to make time for. If not maybe shes having the stress thing goin on!!

[LoveMyLilly]

Oh you poor guy, seriously, alot of posters wrote good stuff abt yr wife's probable state of mind, but ALMOST A YEAR! That is TOO long, she may have a hormone imbalance...along w/all that other stuff others suggested...??

...also I DID breast feed, fo a year, I didnt wnat hubby to touch that area, BUT we still had SEX. It is important for the healthy state of MAN AND WIFE. You NEED IT, to be a good parent is important, but one of the best gifts to give your child is a LOVING MOM AND DAD.

I do know that BC (Before child) FORPLAY WAS MASSAGES,OILS,CANDLELIGHT...and PC(Post child) the best thing hubby can do to TURN ME ON IS HELP ME CLEAN!! DO a load of laundry, run the vacum....this goes a looooong way to relax and thus TURN ON THE WIFE!!!=)

But, do tell her that it is in THE BEST INTEREST of the child to have HAPPY PARENTS, and to be happy you NEED to haev that INTIMACY!!! Sex will relieve pressure, and bind you too, which is inturn....GOOD FOR THE BABY TOO!!!!! If you tell her this, how it is GOOD FOR THE BABY, then she may be quicker to get on board,as we all want what is BEST FOR BABY!

SO...CLEANING=FORPLAY=SEX=GOOD MARRIAGE=GOOD FOR BABY!!!!

*It all comes back to baby=)

[LoveMyLilly]

Ps-give us all an update soon!!

[LydeeC]

Well, I agree to not be assuming anything of you or your wife, so I'll give you my experience from a woman's perspective. I have had 2 boys, and, well, with the first baby, I can honestly say I had NO interest whatsoever in sex. I was very depressed (if your wifey is, I would have her talk w/a counselor, pastor, mentour, someone she trusts or who you could talk to as well), and my body (I felt) looked like crap - but, I knew I had to nourish my baby also (breast feed). So, my hubby grinned and beared it for a while - though we talked about it often. I gradually got more frequent in being willing. For me it was a mind over matter thing. I was super exhausted, esp. after going back to work 32 hrs/week. With the second baby, I am a little better, but my belly looks like hell (really, like a wild animal mauled me), but my husband tells me frequently how beautiful I am to him. Sometimes it's really hard for me to believe him, I just dont feel beautiful anymore. I know part of this is post partum depression, I hate to use that as a cop out, but seriously, your wife's hormones have been changing for 9-10 months, and then, WHAMMO! The baby pops out and your hormones go super whack for about the same amount of time if not a little longer. I know that communication really helped me, and also my hubby being considerate of me helped me WANT to want him again. Just keep your sensitive, calm, loving side with her & keep communicating. This too shall pass.

[sassygirls3]

I have to say i am really shocked. I can honestly say as a mother and a very pregnant woman right now I still want sex. I dont allways want it but, I realize that part of your relationship with your spouse is sexual intamacy.If you dont have that then you will ultimatly loose your bond with one another.You could even loose your marriage.So I say to you and all men fight for your marriage.Do something be proactive for your childrens future.They NEED both of you to need each other and,value each other.Sex IS a vital part of your marriage, but also be understanding and loving. Communication is key not just for the men ,but also the women.

[tortdog]

I think that one of the common problems in marriage after a kid comes along is that the mom elevates the baby above the spouse. That can't be. Understandable? Sure. But it's wrong.

The spouse should always come first. That link is important for the mental health of everyone, including the child.

But often the husband forgets about the drain that a new baby brings to the mom. She has so many things to do and keep up on, that the last thing she wants at the end of the day is to give MORE to the husband. That can often be cured by the husband doing more to help the wife out.

Our generation is certainly better than the generations of the past, in this regard.

Communication is essential, with the ability to explain the wants/desires/needs with the other spouse absent seen as an "attack" or the other person being "defensive."

It's a lot of work.

[ashleak]

I think that women sometimes use any excuse not to have sex. Just cause you don't feel like it doesn't mean that the man doesn't have needs anymore either. In the least you should do it as an act of love. Of course it helps if you pick reasonable times to engage one another. I mean if she is already sleeping that would be a bad time. Honestly I don't understand why she won't at least perform oral or a hand job. Like I said a man has needs and the woman doesn't have to be in the mood or feel sexy to give him that release. Counseling sounds good. Maybe there are other marital problems that are contributing. Sometimes women punish men for things by withholding sex. She may not even realize that is what is happening though. The Bible says not to deny your spouse, there is a reason. I agree with the person who said that you can't really blame a man too much if he gets what the NEEDS somewhere else. The woman is partially responsible. Plus what woman would be just fine with a man who didn't fulfill her needs for a year or so? I am by no means saying cheating is acceptable or beneficial in any way just that it can be understandable. You both took vows. Love includes being monogamous and actually participating in love making in my opinion.

[smahaney]

The reverse is also true. We are at 14 months and counting.
It is not just the women who stop wanting to have sex.
My husband will not touch me.
I don't know why.
All I can say is everyone has thier own things to work out. Your wife is feeling something she may need to talk to someone about.
She may need a break from baby, home and responsibility so she can feel like you are dating again.
Try a romantic get away just for the night. Go to a local hotel. Check in early.
Put flowers in the room, maybe a negligie for her.
SOme chilled wine
remind her why you fell in love and made your baby in the first place.
I think that might help my husband but I have no one willing to watch the baby for a night so I can try.

[crystal29]

I have an 11 month old and occasionally have sex with my s/o but I hate it. Its not just him but I have absolutely no interest in doing anything sexual at all. I do it because he will act like a pain fore weeks if hes not getting any but personally i could go without. I have been breastfeeding and I primarily am the one to watch the baby all day. I think you should help out more with your baby or around the house to ease some of her stress. That makes a big difference to a woman who feels overwhelmed and tired. Give her massages and romance her like you would in a new relationship so you 2 can get that spark back. You have to become more giving so that you can get what you want. It takes a little work but if shes a change in you then soon she'll be the one to initiate sex.

[shyz_mama]

Another thing is hormone changes.. It has been 10 months since I had my daughter and as for sex, I could take it or leave it and I don't know why. I don't feel bad about my body or anything.

[racheljoyroberts]

So this is the fist time I have posted anything on this forum, and it's not a post about our beautiful daughter, as you can guess from the thread title. My wife gave birth to our daughter about 10 months ago. We have not had intercourse since before the birth, and our other sexual interactions have been extremely limited. She seems to have no interest in any type of sex. Thinking back on our visits to her OBGYN before and just after the birth, I think I remember him saying that we couldn't have sex for 8 weeks or so -- or at least as long as it took for the stitches and so forth to heal. I was certainly expecting that, but I didn't expect to find myself almost a year later in this situation.

I feel embarassed about asking my friends about this, so, oddly, I thought I'd ask on here. Has anyone else had this experience? Is it normal for her interest in sex to be disappear for so long? I'm really struggling and thinking about suggesting that we talk to a counselor.
Josh0260: I don't know what kind of person your wife is, but I CAN'T say that I think holding out on you for almost a year is "normal" by any stretch of the imagination. Any young woman who is in a healthy relationship with her spouse and is physically healthy should have at least a moderately active sex drive. She should see a Dr. I know some women would highly disagree with me on this, but sexual intimacy is a vital part of a healthy and happy marriage.

I gave birth almost 16 months ago. 4 weeks after giving birth, my body was healed and my husband and I were able to have intercourse again. My sex drive was revved up and ready to go very shortly after giving birth. The experience of giving birth to our son actually brought my husband and I closer together and made intimacy more appealing.

I know some women, myself included have body image issues to deal with after pregnancy. It took me a year to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight and I wasn't always altogether comfortable "performing" for my husband because I knew I didn't look my best. However, my husband was very supportive and always let me know that no matter how "mushy" my tummy was, he didn't care. He made me feel beautiful despite my personal body image issues and that's what made our sex life very active and interesting.

Remind your wife regularly that you think she is beautiful, sexy, important and that she makes you happy. If she feels like you truly want her in every way, she should have a hard time passing up the offer for sex. Another tip is: Help her around the house with chores, baby's needs, etc... if she sees you are interested in helping out, she may be more interested in helping YOU out ;o)

[big-mouth-burgher]

I have to agree with the doing a chore for your wife. It's works everytime for my hubby. And don't wait for your wife to ask you to do something, just do it on your own. My hubby calls it earning bonus points and he has a few favorites that he knows will really make me happy (like cleaning up the kitchen).

Another idea to help a mom feel sexy is to go get a real bra fitting and then buy a sexy one or two or ten. Just wearing something sexy under the t-shirt and sweats can help! Good luck to all you sexless dads out there.

[SoylentGreen]

Listen I have read these and understand how to treat women and make her feel good. At the same time the wives need step up and take responsability. Make you man feel special.... I can not remember the last time my wife looked at me that way..... I have tried all I can and now I she has six months before I decide to leav or not........ why you ask because I did nto get married to not have sex and to feel like I am asking too much.

[MOMMYSBEAUTY]

You have to talk to her and tell her how you feel. She may not realize that it is bothering you like it is. I understand about not feeling sexy but eventually something has to give. She can mention to her gyno that she has no sex drive and they may be able to prescribe something to help with her libido. Not sure if you have Comcast cable but they have exercise shows that she can do while the baby is napping. The only way to feel good about ourselves it to exercise and eat right. Sometimes some ppl just need to hear the truth and a little push can't do any harm. She will thank you later...

[mommy42boys]

I don't understand why everyone is telling this husband and father that he needs to do even more to try to be intimate with his wife. I have never understood women that withhold sex to get something out of their husbands. Sex is a very important part of a marriage. There are times that I don't want to have sex but it's been a few days and my husband has been really understanding all the times I said no before so I do it. Even having sex when you're not really in the mood is beneficial for your marriage. This woman has been telling her husband no for a year! It's time to stop thinking about herself and start thinking about her husband and their marriage.

[rocker377]

I realize this was posted a while ago...has the situation changed? I'm a mom of 3, ages 21, 15, and 10months. My hubs and I have had sex twice since the birth of our daughter, and I thought it was me. I had a C-section, and do NOT like the scar and flab of skin left behind. I was thinking that I was no longer attractive to him, even though I am wearing my size 3 jeans, I lost 2 cup sizes in the boob dept. and the flab...I think he has the post partum depression!! I have seen him not move from the couch for days at a time, except to use bathroom. He own his own business and works from home..I am disabled and not allowed to work, am in Constant pain, and when he tells me he wants to have sex, I say no, because he hasn't showered in days! Sorry but that's gross. I do all the stuff around the house, take care of the baby and am not supposed to be doing so much (Doctors orders). They now think I have either MS or Fibromyalgia, or RSD. We dont even sleep together, I sleep in the nursery and he sleeps on the couch. I want sex too, (sometimes) but dont really care one way or the other, but I WONT with someone dirty! I tell him to shower and we can share some "quality" time together, but he wont. So I hope your situation has changed, let up know please, and thank you for letting me ramble...if anyone has an idea for me please Help...

[gcomunale]

I can relate to the position that you're in. It took a long time for my husband and I to get back into it. Even at 7 months post partum it's not where it used to be, but it's getting better. Not only is there the issue of not feeling attractive, but i am beyond petrified to get pregnant again. Being a first time parent is so overwhelming and then to add the extra fear of accidently getting pregnant to it makes me not want to do it.

[cutiejoe]

IN my point of view 3 months is sufficient.after 3 months you can do sex.

[Given Up]

How about no sex since my wife conceive our second child? I am married for almost 4 years with a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Ever since my wife conceived my little one, we stop having sex in whatever way you can think of. Maybe the occasional oral sex of F off.

She has been pushing me away from the day she knew she was expecting and she is about to complete one year course of breast feeding as my infant approaches 1. Her excuses for turning me away has always been tiredness, insufficient sleep, not in the mood and extreme cases of fear of sex.

I have a domestic helper to do the household chores as well as the cooking. What I can't understand is how tired she can be. Everything to her is about the kids now, i am just the father to the children not husband. I tried earlier to ask her out for meals and just spend time alone with her, but always to have her insist that the kids should come along. So much so that I have given up even trying.

I have also given up initiating sex. It just feels wrong to be seen asking for sex and rejected on every occasion.

My wife is an absolutely terrific mother to both my lovely girls but she is a wife who doesn;t know the size of my clothes nor what to pack for me for my business trips.

Would also be impossible to seek a counsellor as she doesn't even feel that there's anything wrong about the whole thing at all and always chides me for not being able to think of the family. Ironically I pay for 90% of the expenses at home while she keeps most of her salary.

Makes me laugh when on some occasions she asked if i considered a third child. I know for a fact that was not a hint of sex on offer.

[Given Up]

double post sorry

[Gemma77]

I haven't read all the posts, there are a lot, but that is just plain selfish when one partner holds back from another partner. A woman needs to take care of her man. There is more than one way to make sure his needs are being met and your wife is failing in her role as your wife if she refuses to acknowledge that we are all sexual beings. I think it is insane to deny a partner the intimacy and close bond of sexual union in a marriage. I wouldn't even think of going three days without making love to my husband and usually I am tired, but our marriage suffers when we do not come together as a couple.

I don't know her reasons, but shame on your wife, She sounds selfish to me. I am hoping you can turn this around quickly.

[freehelena]

Dear Josh,

I completely sympathized. We went through almost the same thing. I breastfed immediately for our first baby. It caused me to feel strangely anti-sex feeling - like eating dinner with your hands on a toilet while doing your business. There is a spiritual change when you begin nursing your baby, because the nursing part of it is so natural that you feel unnatural because one never thinks to see themselves as either a vehicle of God or a milking cow.

I can definitely tell you that the first year for any mother is the change of identity. You are no longer your prior self. Everything you do, the baby comes first. Being second all the time takes a toll, especially if you are new to it. It is like a caterpillar morphing to a butterfly. You're the same inside, but with new parts so you have to learn to walk again differently. We find that we have to find new friends because the single friends without babies are no longer our emotional support. We find that we have to learn to lower our expectations for maintaining a clean house, clean clothes, clean hair, etc. We have to learn to do things differently and with a different strategy. We have to learn to accept that we can't go out at night half as much anymore, that we have to wear clothes twice as big, that we are no longer the person we were and the rules we knew before no longer applies. Basically, new moms go through a year long identity crisis on top of being tired and being weirded out about becoming a walking milk jug.

One other thing, for us, the piping just stopped working while breastfeeding even if we did try. Just wasn't pleasurable to me at all. We did something a little funny and bought lubrication. It was fun trying something new. Fortunately, about 4 months after I stopped breastfeeding, things started to work again.

I would suggest that during this time, you help her find herself again. Take the initiative to help find good babysitters that you both trust for days when you both need to get away. Also start eating healthy to help the both of you get pass the baby fat (I notice many men gain weight as well). It will help you both feel more confident. Take over making several meals and washing dishes at least 2 to 3 times a week (even if it's a simple spaghetti). Give her a 2 hour break after 9pma couple times a week if possible and make sure she's enjoying herself with a hot bath, not doing chores after 9 or 10pm. And definitely go out on date nights at least twice a month without baby.. That will help her start feeling like her old self again. Sit down with her and ask about her day and what part of her day is not working out well and strategize together to figure out different ways to do things that could work for her. I eventually figured out that coming home at noon during lunch time to shower really helped open up my nights with the baby and let me sleep in a little more in the morning. And lastly, give her a couple hundred dollars at the beginning of the new fall or spring season and tell her to go buy a few nice outfits. I think that she just needs to find a way back to feeling like her old self again. It's very hard. I've been told by older moms that the first 4 or 5 years are the hardest but things get much easier afterwards.

My baby is now 14 months and my sex drive has gotten back to normal again about a month ago. It's really wonderful that you are patient. Just help her with her identity change. It's a very difficult circumstance.

[big-mouth-burgher]

I honestly feel sorry for these poor men! They are bending over backwards to make the women in their lives feel loved and appreciated and what do they get in return? A cold shoulder. My advice to all of you ladies, and yes I am one, JUST DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!! Even if you are not "in the moode", just quit making excuses and have sex with your hubby. You'll thank me later.

[Aquarius68]

My advice to all of you ladies, and yes I am one, JUST DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!! Even if you are not "in the moode", just quit making excuses and have sex with your hubby.

That's thoughtful :-) For me though there's a big difference between having sex and making love. I never really enjoyed sex for the sake of sex. If my partner isn't enjoying it I will know and probably stop which can be more frustrating than if we hadn't started in the first place. Ok sure being fellated might be a nice and welcome gesture ... but I personally wouldn't want a woman to have sex with me just to meet my own needs. I can take matters into my own hands if I really need to. We haven't had our baby yet and we are still creatively intimate when we're both in the mood, which could be almost daily for a few days and then a week or more without. I don't really expect sex for at least several months after birth and will pretty much leave it up to her to initiate when she's ready. I don't believe I have to worry about that never happening, she's often the initiator.

But that said I guess a year is a pretty long time. Situations like "Given Up"s really do call for counseling I believe. I guess it is, and should be, different for every couple. Certainly an episiotomy should delay things for a while. American women are typically told not to have sex for six weeks after birth, European women are more often told three weeks. There's no difference in the equipment though ...

Our birthing center is really good about giving us information and sex after birth and birth control while breastfeeding, etc, etc are all things we've gotten lots of info on and even direct (informal) counseling on this in our regular prenatal visits.

But I think a couple that goes a long time without intimacy has a bigger issue than just a lack of sex that probably direct honesty and maybe counseling would be the best action. It's often hard but I try to be honest about my feelings so if it seems reasonable in the relationship the best course of action I'd suggest is actually talking about it at an appropriate time without accusation or judgment. Hard to do, maybe practice on a less sensitive topic first. :-)

[Klingon]

lossof urge to perform sexualactivity is common in a lot of women.
and i suggest not to have sex for 3-4 months after baby birth.

[Pa_ool]

I have to say that I do not agree that this lack of sex is just "OK"! My interest in sex just about vanished while I was pregnant with my two boys (who were back to back). However, that didn't stop me from having sex with my Husband. I feel that sex (along with several other factors) or important parts of a healthy relationship. My persistence paid off. By the time my second son turned 2 months old I began to enjoy sex again and now I feel like the lover I was before my babies were born. True we still don't have quite as much sex. He works long hours and when they are both sick, you can only imagine how exhausted I am. But we make an effort almost everyday. I have found that even when I am not in the mood, if we just initiate the sex I get into it about half way through and end up enjoying myself. No offense to your woman, but I think she is being very selfish to keep you from her. Unless she is experiencing PPD (a condition to be taken seriously), than she needs to get a reality check. I think a lot of relationships would hold together if woman would stop treating sex as if it were all about there emotions. It isn't. I know my husband could have a bullet in his leg, and he would still have sex.. On his death bed, he would have sex. We want men to understand us and our feelings, but we aren't willing to meet them half way...

[trevorr77]

I feel your pain man. I was there with ya at about 9 months to a year. Then it started again though it wasn't like what it was like before our first child. When we were first married, she was the aggressor, seems like she has no interest now unless we are TTC. Now she's pregnant again and I am hearing the same comment that when she's pregnant, something changes and penis's are gross. So I guess that leaves me with nothing again. We wanted to have the baby, but for someone who loves kids and wanted 2-3, I really hope we cut ourselves off at two cause I don't like what pregnancy does to our marriage. Its been better so far this time than last time, but the intimacy levels go from Okay to almost non-existent. I don't even need sex all the time or anything, one a week is good enough for me if I have that and some nice intimacy (quality time together, some cuddling, kissing) but seems like it all goes away.

I spend most of my nights cleaning up the house after our 1 year old tears it apart all day. I do all the dishes now and do almost all the cleaning cause she is so sensitive to smells and I am happy to do it. I like a clean house and I like a happy wife but I just want a little extra effort in the areas that matter to me then...ya know??

[MilitaryMommyOf2]

Josh-
I'd like to know how it is all going... I am sort of in the same boat, except the other way around! I just had my second child 4 months ago.. I'm totally healed up, and i've lost all my baby weight PLUS some.. But my husband will not have sex with me. I get turned down EVERYTIME. I dk what it is.. it wasn't like this after my first child, but it is now.. i feel so unloved and unwanted. I dk what i'm doing so wrong and i feel totally rejected. I hate it.. I am almost to the point where I feel like giving up on it. My husband doesn't want to have sex, he doesn't want to cuddle, or show my ANY affection. Anyone got any ideas on this one? And Josh, what did you do- or are you still in the situation???

[BenMSW]

MilitaryMommyOf2-

Forgive me in advance for being blunt, but what you're describing about your husband seems pretty typical of depression. We have all heard of mothers suffering from Postpartum Depression (PPD) but husbands also sometimes struggle with the changes (both symbolic and actual) that a new baby brings with it. These changes often result in feelings of depression, hopelessness, and at times even despair.

With only one child (and I remember going through it myself-and still am to some extent) having only one child still feels pretty free, but once that second (or third) child comes into the picture that feeling of freedom disappears. This feeling of being less free often causes husbands to withdraw (and I speak here from personal experience). Of course their could be many reasons for your husband's withdrawal, all of which most likely have little, if anything, to do with you.

Encouraging your husband to speak things out with a trained and licensed mental health professional who also happens to be a good listener.

[glenmyers]

Hey Josh, as a fellow dad, I feel your pain man. Our youngest is 5 and sex is pretty rare still. She still loves me, and I her, but she is just never "in the mood". I do my best to be ok with it and wait it out. I compliment her all the time, and try to take her out and be romantic as often as possible, but these things are not anywhere near as successful as you might hope. I continue to do them because I do love her, and want her to know I still feel attracted to her, and yes, because I am hoping to get laid :) But that can't be the main reason, you have to do these things because you want to make her happy, otherwise you'll get more bitter everytime it doesn't work out.
I know us guys suck at it, but try telling her how the constant rejection makes you feel. But try to do it in a calm, non-confrontational manner. It wont be a cure, but if you can convey how it makes you feel, it will hopefully get her to think about your feelings too.
I HIGHLY recomend the book "The Sex Starved Marraige," by Michelle Weiner Davis. If you read the entire book, not just the part about how it affects you, but also the part about how she feels, it will give you a much greater insight and understanding of the whole situation. For one it will give you some affirmation that you are not alone, and that you are not wrong to feel the way you do. I swear it was like the author took my thoughts right out of my head, verbatum, and put them in her book about how the constant rejections made me feel. But it also gave me great insight into how she felt, which make it much easier to deal with.
You should try to get her to read it aswell, but be carefull how you broach the subject. If you present it as a "lets fix this" book, she is going to feel very pressured, or even angy, because she doesn't feel like there is anything wrong. If you present it as "ha! see i'm right" things will get even worse. I suggest telling her you read it and your sorry for the pressure you've been putting on her, you didn't understand how she felt. That the book help you see her side, and that your side is in it too, so it would mean alot to you if she would read it also to get a better understanding of how you feel.

Hope this helps :)

[hughdeburgh]

Hey!

I've been where you are. In fact, millions of men have.

I think that misunderstandings about this issue may be the number one spark that starts a slow and destructive fire which years later leads to divorce. Yet there is very little being said about it in that context.

Guys are just supposed to "suck it up" and be tough. Sound like familiar advice? I really don't think that most younger dads understand what having children will do to the relationship they have with their new wife.

And this is not just about sex. It's about the nature of the intimacy in your marriage. And it is often the first serious test in your marriage of your ability as a couple to talk through and act on an emotional challenge.

I love my kids and my family. They add an entirely new and beautiful dimension to our lives. And this problem doesn't really have anything to do with them. Their birth is simply the catalyst for another test to your relationship.

If you got married because you loved being a husband to your wife and all the things that it entailed, men may find that some of those "things" are gone forever once their first child is born. Surprise!

And it is that surprise, and the failure or inability of many couples to rationally talk about this topic, that does the real damage in the relationship.

My wife and I had four kids in quick succession. What I can tell you from our experience and in learning from others is that every case is different. However, I get the impression that for most people, things are never quite the same again.

I have also found that many mothers are fairly oblivious to how big a deal this can be for many men.

I posted the following "emotional time line" and the other comments below in another post and I still think it holds true. It goes like this:

1.) Excitement by both of you in anticipation of birth.

2.) Dad looking forward to the old sex life once that huge bulge in her tummy is finally gone!

3.) Mom-to-be overwhelmed with anticipation, sex may be last thing on her mind.

4.) Birth and physical recovery.

5.) New mom may be numb down there for quite a while. It's the body's way of masking some of the pain of birth, and the feeling doesn't come back right away for most folks.

6.) Especially if this is her first, after birth she is overwhelmed and scared. Why aren't I bonding faster to the baby? Am I doing this breastfeeding right? OMG I'm going to screw up my new child's life forever if I don't get all of this right, etc, etc.

7.) Husband wants to return to how things were, with new baby. Worse he expects is a bit of coitus interruptus for a feeding once in a while. Instead, mom is still overwhelmed, and may toy with post partum depression as well. Too exhausted and emotionally numb for satisfying sex. And she doesn't really feel very attractive these days.

8.) Husband gets confused. Starts to initiate intimacy. Wife avoids.

9.) Wife wonders why husband is being so demanding. Can't he see how busy and tired I am? He's worse than the baby! Now I have two babies tugging on me, demanding my effort!

10.) Husband starts to feel line a fifth wheel. Wonders where his wife went. Starts to get lost in his work to avoid the sad feelings.

10.) Each start to resent the other. This is compounded by the stress of the baby's demands on top of all the same responsibilities that they had before baby arrived.

Husbands often don't see why things should change between them and their partner after the baby, while for many women, this is a life changing experience. They may never really be the same person that they were before the baby - physically or emotionally.

Like I said, this dialogue may not fit your situation at all. But it seems all too common.

Once you understand the dynamics, you might be in a better position to talk about this with your wife without negative emotions raising their ugly head.

So, you need to find a way to talk to her about this. It is critical that you mention how important this really is for you. If she blows you off at first, be gently persistent. Eventually she will get the idea.

Chances are that she loves you a lot, so once she sees how important this matter is, she'll have to talk to you about it.

I think that this is about more than sex. It is about intimacy. The sharing your true feelings with each other. If the dad feels left out emotionally, which we often do when there is a new baby around, he can feel isolated and depressed. If that feeling isn't addressed, it can be a foundation stone for a lot of other negative feelings that do damage to the relationship.

And unfortunately, we guys are not famous for opening up about feeling hurt, which makes things even worse. So we suffer in silence.

The sooner that wives understand the importance of this issue to millions of men worldwide, the better footing they will put their relationship on for the long term. And if you are a wife or partner to a man, and you suspect that this may be a problem for him, he may need your help to open up and talk about it.

It's worth the effort to get into this, though. Clear this sort of baggage out of the way and you both will have a much better relationship afterward.

Thanks for the great post!

All the best,

[chloe_herbert1]

After having my children I waited 6 weeks before having sex with my husband again. When we didn't really feel like it we made it special. I would put on something sexy (even when I didn't feel like it) and he would concentrate on making me feel sexy. If the babies woke up we'd stop settle them and decide whether to continue or try again the next night. When things got really bad we would buy a sex game. Sounds very sad but it worked and we made sex fun again. If she is breastfeeding ask her if she wants you to leave them alone. Women only need to feel wanted and you can do that by buying flowers and gifts. Even just giving her massage will help. I wish you and your wife the best of luck and hope you reconnect soon.

[atheistme]

I have noticed in all the forums, the women who are so quick to forget about the rights to their own bodies are the religious women, who feel an obligation or duty not out of love for and of their husbands, but out of love for god. I feel these women are mislead in life and in what it is to love someone.

Never should a women be made to feel forced or guilty about choosing what goes into her body.

Did anyone ever consider that a healthy life leads to a healthy sex drive. This poor women is obviously suffering from either depression or some form of depressed mental health and it is affecting everyone around her.

Men shouldn't ask what women can do for them, and their needs, but always address the needs of their partner through communication.

Help this women to find a counselor, and adopt a less stressful living environment. A healthy sex drive will follow.

I'm sincerely ashamed of women who feel the need to have sex with their spouses out of a feeling of duty, obligation, or the fear that he will leave.

[mattlogan]

Man, I feel for you. Sometimes a womans mind turns and things can go the opposite direction you want. It has been months for me as well after I lost my job. She just has no interest anymore. I hope things get better for you.

[JohnMcG]

@atheistme,

This forum is "Dad to Dad," not a discussion group for Women's Studies 101.

It would truly be great if everyone only ever had to do what they felt like doing and everyone was happy.

But that's not the way life works. The garbage needs to be taken out. The kids need baths. The lawn needs to be mowed. The kids need a ride to or from different events.

And yes, sometimes your spouse needs some affection.

Part of being in a loving relationship is doing things that need to get done even when you don't feel like it. And yes, this applies to both partners.

Obviously, if there is some mental illness, that needs to be dealt with.

But I don't think men should be expected to accept a sexless marriage any more than women should accept a conversation-free marriage because men are really tired at the end of a long day of work and hearing about his wife's argument with the neighbor is the last thing on his mind.

[ATLRAM]

My wife and I just started having more regular sex and its been over 17 months since our daughter was born. I went through these same feelings and totally felt resentful because I wasn't getting any despite my best efforts to do what was needed...THis included doing all those things to help out around these (I usually did them anyway) plus told her how much I still loved her, was attracted to her, blah blah blah...but as everyone has said this is not a "guy" problem this is a woman problem and until they want to look to take a step back and look at the marriage as a "whole" they won't see it. I had many talks about wanting more sex, telling her how upset I was, telling her how important it was to our marriage etc. She understood but nothing really changed until she started to come out of her "mommy all the time" mode and start to take care of herself again. Working out, going out with her friends etc.

I can totally see why men cheat when things like this occur. They feel so resentful for having to constantly beg for attention, despite putting in the time and effort it requires to be a good husband and father. My therapist says you have three options 1)Leave the marriage 2)accept what it is or 3)try and work through it. Obviously I chose 2 and 3 b/c the last thing I could think about is leaving my daughter as she is the best thing that's every happened to me.

Ultimately 2 and 3 help you deal with the situation, but I was angry about that b/c it still left my wife in control about when we had sex. She ultimately decides b/c she is the one who wants it less and I'll drop everything for it.

But as I said, it's getting better and she's slowly returning to her pre-pregnancy drive and things are improving. I'm happy with quality over quantity so 2x a week is a dream for me. Would I prefer more, of course, but I'm not gonna complain.

[dilnawaazk]

Noo, no no.. Almost a year is really pathetic.. Sorry to say.
What on earth is wrong with ur wife..
I gave birth 5 august 2009 via c section and hell it pained.. But I could barely wait 4 weeks to
Have sex (even though the doctor said six)...
I mean gee wizz doesn't she get horny?

My baby is now 10 months and I cook everyday, clean the house most days
And I have my own accounting business in which I work from home and occasionally g0 to clients.
I go to gym about 2 -3 times a week.. N get a maid once or twice a week.
Bt yet I make time to have sex 2 -3 times a week. Oh and I still only breastfeed and solid foods.

I think woman should stop acting like the whole world must stop
When they have a baby. Ofcourse u should love and nurture ur baby.
Bt hello life goes on and u need to look after urself.
I'm still carrying abt 2kg of my baby weight around bt I'm working on it
By eating healthy and exercising. And I still feel hellova sexy.
U dnt need to be pre preg weight or super thin to feel sexy..
Us woman have many talents and 1 of them r multitasking.
Bt really dude I dnt know what's wrong with ur wife.. Coz I would have sex
Every night if I could. Bt my baby wakes up frequently through the night to breastfeed.

So please tell ur wife how u feel before u go looking somewhere else or start watching porn.

[MrsBurke]

I agree with you dilnawaazk..I don't think it's really fair for you to wait for almost a year. My OB told me that as long as I am comfortable and sex is no longer painful for me then it's fine to go ahead. To wait that long something is wrong with your wife. Much as you understand her situation after giving birth and for having a baby she should be reminded of her other duties as well.

[paris0330]

wowww... so many women here have the same problem im having not having the desire for sex...lol. Its not funny though, i mean after 5 months my body should be back to normal... this is my 3rd child and first c-section... what am i going to do? We barely have sex and i think he may cheat after while. What can i do for my hormones...I dont get horney anymore.

[Jamonte]

Wow!!! Its been ten months for us also. And after reading each and every post I am at a loss for words.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Glow in the Dark]

I'm in a similar situation.

It's been over a year for us. This is combined result of a difficult pregnancy (no sex on doctor's orders) followed by moderate-to-severe PPD. After taking care of our kid, dealing with the depression is the first order of business. Everything else has been shelved for now, including sex and intimacy. Fortunately, she's in treatment now and is making progress.

I've made attempts to broach the subject, and it's gone badly. Sex is just another stressor for her, and is off the table for now. I'm trying to keep positive, but am feeling lonely, disconnected, and a little lame. Like whatever "sexuality" I had has been turned off.

Obviously, the kid's and my wife's well-being is the top priority. I'm keeping this in perspective, but it is affecting me.

[Button Square Pants]

To the original poster, I know exactly how you are feeling...

I too was once the recipient of a spouse who didn't have the desire to have sex after our baby was born, in fact, it didn't happen until our marriage ended in a divorce almost 2 years after the baby was born.

I don't understand what was going through her mind at that time, she wouldn't talk to me about anything and she kept everything to herself. She refused to do any counseling and she even told me that she just didn't have the desire to ever have sex again and that she would be perfectly fine with it. I thought of it as an extremely selfish thing for her to do, even if she didn't feel the desire for whatever the reason was, she didn't even have the desire to fix it through outside methods (counseling, doctor, etc...) or even think of how it might affect me. She had no thought of what I wanted or needed, she just saw it as something she was fine with and expected me to just live with it. If she wanted to be that way, then that is fine, but I refused to live with someone who wouldn't want to help things improve.

It got to the point where things didn't seem right anymore, the last resort was to leave her and move on with my life. I couldn't stand being married to someone who was so distant and didn't even care to fix any problems that we had. I was tired of living alone in a house with someone who just mentally and physically seperated herself from me, so I filed for divorce and ended up moving on.

Today I'm married again (6 years later) to a woman who has 5 other children, someone who absolutely loves me to death and has fully accepted me and my daughter into her life. The marriage I have with her is 100% different from my first 10 year marriage. My wife makes every effort to keep things alive, we both put in the same amount of work in equal parts to make sure we don't fall victim to our past. I still don't know what happened to the last marriage, there were never any real answers to the problems that became of it. I realized that sometimes women do things that just don't seem right, their brain and chemistry is much different than the men. Sometimes we get paired up with the wrong person and when new things come into the middle of it, it just ends up being different somehow after.

I love my current wife now, we are so happy and look forward to many many more years together.

[HappyTim]

I have to admit, I found reading this thread a little depressing. I feel fortunate that my pregnant wife views sexual intimacy as highly important to the strength of our marriage. I think some women don't realize that most men need sex in order to feel loved and valued. I know a lot of men don't help out as much as they could and this can create a cycle of resentment on both ends. However, a stable home is an important part of providing for a child, and for most of us guys a healthy sex life is an important part of a strong marriage.

I feel like in a strong relationship both partners should be willing to say "I love my partner and their needs are important to me. I may not always feel like taking care of them, but because I love my partner, I want to do what I can to make them happy."

With regards to sex I'm not saying women need to give their husbands access 24/7, but I hope most of us can agree that four or six months with no shared sexual activity is a recipe for marriage disaster and not good for anyone, including the children.

[NateInPhenix]

We have the same problem....times 2. After our first son, my wife and I did not have sex for 6 months (yes, months, not weeks) after his birth. She had a C-section with him and had some internal scarring that resulted in pain for quite a while after we finally resumed sex. Even so, we were only able to make sex happen about once a month. Call me a jerk if you like, but that just isn't enough for me. Though it was enough to get pregnant as second time (intentionally).

We had our second son this year (2011), another C=Section, and still have not had sex 8 months later. My wife doesn't feel like having sex in general and is very, very dry so the one time that we tried to have sex, penetration was so painful (for both of us) that we just couldn't continue, even with half a bottle of KY (which helped me but not her). She doesn't like doing any "other" activities to be intimate with me and I don't think it would be very loving to ask her to do something she doesn't like for my own enjoyment (nor do I think she would accommodate) since she has been adamant that she doesn't want to do any of those things. She also thinks masturbation is wrong so I'm in a really difficult place because I either have to have no sexual gratification or masturbate in secrecy so that she doesn't get angry with me. The former makes me grouchier than a grizzly with hemorrhoids and the latter makes me feel...well, unloved and guilty for having a sex drive. There have been two other instances in the past 8 months since our second son was born that we tried to have sex and during one, the baby woke up and screamed at the top of his lungs which in turn, activated the lactation sequence which "doused the fire" ....and was a mood killer for both of us so it never happened, and the second time, after I had packed the kids off to a friend's house (our family lives across the country so it is really difficult to get away from the kids), taken my wife to a beautiful resort, and spent the weekend just enjoying each others' company, on the last night there things finally were looking optimistic but before foreplay could commence, we became tense with each other about a discussion regarding our families that went south, leaving neither of us feeling very "friendly" toward one another at the moment. We were respectful in the course of the disagreement with one another, we always disagree respectfully, but the desire at the moment still disappeared as it was an emotional issue and though we knew it would work itself out, it wasn't an instantaneous fix....and then we had to come back to our real, hectic, sexless life.


I work from a home office so I contribute the daily upkeep of the home considerably. I do all of the laundry, I cook dinner, I do the dishes and clean about half of the time. I bathe the boys, put them to bed at night and participate in discipline. I take care of the yard and the cars. We need my wife's income but we can't afford daycare as it would consume her entire paycheck each week (making it stupid for her to work....but we need the money) so she works evenings four nights a week and I work days. That way she cares for them during the day and I do during those four evenings. Being so far from family, we don't really have anyone to leave the kids with. So we only have three days together as it is. On those three days we are so exhausted and something always seems to come up. And I am equally to blame there....the few times that she has tried to initiate sex in the past month or so, I've been too tired from caring for the kids and the house while she was at work that I fell into a veritable coma before she got home, or before the launch sequence could be initiated (I'm trying to maintain a sense of humor)!

I realize that it is unrealistic for my wife to be a tigress, waiting to pounce every night of the week. And I understand and have always respected her boundaries regarding what sexual activities she is willing to participate in and enjoy. I also acknowledge that her body, emotions, hormones, etc have been turned on end with each pregnancy and I don't deny the loving self sacrifice it was for her to go through that so that we can have a family. But I also think that sex is an essential part of a successful marriage and that eight months is more than patient. But what can I do? We've talked about it. We know we want and need to have sex. Life gets in the way....hormones get in the way....unaligned desire gets in the way. Is this just normal and no one ever told me? Was I spoiled by unrealistic expectations and this is the true normal? Months...maybe years of waiting after childbirth and even then, once a month if lucky? It is extremely depressing and I don't know what else to do.

[aporthetalk]

Ya Josh, I have to agree with latina45 and Amelia09 you should be having sex by now. even if she would just have mercy on you. I have three children, and I don't think I went more than a month, my wife and I really enjoy each other and neither one of us are that fhysically fit or anything but we are attracted to each other. That is a long time and sex is an important part of a marriage. If sex were not that important we wouldn't have all of the commercials for Lavitra and cialis and all of the other sex medications LOL. You mentioned that your sexual interactions were limited, was that before she was pregnant as well? You may need to see a counselor, it can't hurt, I realize a marriage isn't totally based on sex but I think it's vital. I'm sure your wife is beautiful in your eyes and when you would like to have sex with her and she is not responsive to your advances, that can be very discouraging, and can lead to other frustrations in the marriage. Seek the counseling and as much guidance as you both can. Good Luck!

[ugggggg]

i know this is an old post, but the subject is not.


I have been having the same issue since our son was born 16 months ago. we have only had sex a handful of times and i am starting to think if i should look elsewhere. taking care of myself isnt cutting it anymore

I have tried everything and she just doesnt care. the most recent time she did it out of pity but it got her in the mood and she enjoyed it. massages, compliments, dates, etc.......the only things that had any success was to practically beg. once she gets started she is in the mood, so why not try more?

Why must men jump through hoops to have sex?

[huttsez]

I'm a father, blogger, and author. Men like sex. So do women, just not as much after the children arrive. So how do men get the sex they want? Well, they can start by cooking dinner and doing the dishes afterwards. It's just that simple. Let the tired mothers put their feet up, and have someone take care of THEM for a bit. Be a good husband, and show your appreciation for all her hard work. No tired wives or girlfriends want to have sex with a lazy, demanding man. Loads of less tired wives or girlfriends will want to have sex with Thoughtful Sweet Mega Dad. Right? Oh, and let her have a nice long sleep in on the weekend by getting up with the kid/kids. "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" ringing any bells? Check out my blog at: http://www.huttsez.com/

[huttsez]

I'm a father, blogger, and author. Men like sex. So do women, just not as much after the children arrive. So how do men get the sex they want? Well, they can start by cooking dinner and doing the dishes afterwards. It's just that simple. Let the tired mothers put their feet up, and have someone take care of THEM for a bit. Be a good husband, and show your appreciation for all her hard work. No tired wives or girlfriends want to have sex with a lazy, demanding man. Loads of less tired wives or girlfriends will want to have sex with Thoughtful Sweet Mega Dad. Right? Oh, and let her have a nice long sleep in on the weekend by getting up with the kid/kids. "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" ringing any bells? Check out my blog at: http://www.huttsez.com/

[halfpint1092]

deffinately very true. i had my son 4 1/2 months ago, and it fustrates my husband beyond belife