04-14-2008, 01:18 PM
So here is the problem. I work 5 days a week 10-12 hrs a day. I work from 6:45 in the morning until 5 in the evening. So you can see that I have a long day, with waking up at 5 in the morning, going to work and yada-yada (you get the point). Well, it seems that EVERYTIME I come home from work my husband is laying on the couch and my children are free-roaming the house. Well, child. One is 19 months and the other is 4 months. My house is in constant disarray and I have confronted him that he needs to pick up some slack and help out around the house. My husband does work. He works a 24 hour shift and then has 48 hours off. I do understand that he may be tired. However, he is able to sleep at his job for 8 hours. What more could you ask for. 8 hours of non-interuppted sleep. As long as nothing arises at work. So he comes home and acts like he's dead to the world. I get up in the morning get the kids their breakfast ready (b/c even though he has been doing this for 19 months, he goes brain-dead every morning) I have to make my daughters breakfast and put it in the fridge so when she wakes up all he has to do is warm it up. And I have to make my sons bottles for the whole day b/c he refuses to. I will come home in the evening to my children still in the PJ's that I put on them the night before. I find the meals that I have made my daughter are still on the table. (The plates are stacked) I just want to know how to light a fire under my husbands back side and make him realize that I need help. I have approached him and asked. He says he doesnt see what the problem is. HELP ME PLEASE!
04-14-2008, 02:15 PM
I can't get past the "8 hours of non-interrupted sleep". I didn't know parents ever get that. :)
I think most wives feel your pain, there are a few other posts on here about the same thing. While it is a good idea not to set your expectations too high, I think that is unfair in my opinion. My husband has his lazy tendancies, and I've accepted a long time ago that we are wired totally differently. However, when our household responsibilities got seriously out of whack shortly after my daughter was born I had to give him a huge wake up call. Nothing I did seemed to snap him out of it - pretty much everything was left up to me, and like you I had to prepare everything for him ahead of time when he did help out.
I spent a lot of hours trying to figure out what to do, and I ended up finding things I had on my plate of responsibility that I could off load. I knew whatever I chose to quit doing would bug me to no end, but I had to find someway to make him notice while I was lessening my load at the same time. So, I went through all the things I do that helped my husband. Mainly, his thing is laundry. He hates doing it (who doesn't). So, I told him over and over that I was going to have to make some changes if he wasn't going to stand up and take notice real fast. WHen that didn't change things, I went on strike. I stopped doing his laundry (kept doing mine and the babes'), stopped fixing him a plate at dinner, started putting anything he left out directly in the garbage (or I hid items I knew couldn't be thrown out and just told him I didn't know when he inevitably asked), and certainly didn't make time for him in the bedroom. After about a week, he questioned me on it and I bluntly told him "You weren't helping me at all, so I had to find some way to lighten my load before I lost my mind. Unfortunately for you, the only things I could lighten were things I do for you". Immediate difference.
Don't get me wrong, there is no instant cure. We are always renegotiating our responsibilities and working towards a better balance. And in my opinion it is still mostly me doing what needs to be done. But if nothing else, it got his attention and he is more willing to listen when I need him to. The other night we had a small blow out because I wanted him to not only give DD a bath but also wash out the tub first, get her PJs himself (I lay them out for him) and wash / put in her ear plugs. He remarked "Its true that no matter how much I do around here you're always going to ask for more". I was shocked! Lets just say that now he does the ENTIRE bath routine himself and is very good at it.
Sometimes the issue is that they don't know how to do something and instead of risking failure they just allow us to do it. Sometimes they just don't see what the problem is, they aren't bothered by the mess like we are. Communication, negotiation, and constant committment to the family are key. When those fail, I suggest you find a way to make him appreciate everything you do for him so maybe he'll wake up and smell the roses before its too late. We aren't servants, we aren't hired help, we are moms/wives/partners and we deserve to be treated equally in all aspects.
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