anyone else here have stepchildren?

[lou]

I'm engaged to a man that has two boys 7 and 8(9 in june) from a previous marriage. His boys are great, well behaved, polite for the most part (they are boys mind you so flatulence is just hilarious to them), and we get along pretty well together. My fiance and I are currently expecting and the boys have excepted this, actually they're quite excited and want a baby brother as girls are "just too complicated". My issues however stem from things they tell me their mother has told them (without any proding from me). it angers me to no end that a person can do this to their children. they are the ones that have suffered through the divorce and their mother just adds to it ( i really feel for them as my parents divorced when I was two so I know much of what they've been through). for instance, the eldest heard her telling her boyfriend that they are an inconveiniance. real nice, huh? they both have stated on numerous occasions that they want to live with us to which I've replied that when they're older they'll be able to choose ( law in this state says 14 yrs. of age I beleive) and no matter what they choose it will be okay. However i had guessed (in my head of course) that inconveiniance or not she would not allow this till forced by law as the cesation of child support payments would be a bigger inconveiniance. well this week on the way to the store the eldest informs me that mom said they don't ever get to choose to live with us just whether or not they want to see their dad period. after asking me whether this was true or not I told him the same thing i previously told him and his brother. I talked with my fiance about these things and told him he needs to talk with her as the things she tells her kids or they over hear is damaging to them. he replied that they have talked of this before and it does no good. the kids just get in trouble and he stops hearing about these things for awhile till they apparently just forget about having been punished for it. I'm just wondering if anyone out there has been in a similar situation and can offer any advice?

[autymsmommy]

I don't have step children, but I was a step child. My mother also attempted to turn me against my father and new step mother. If you're really worried about it, check with a lawyer. When my mother decided to move, and technically had custody of me and my sisters, my step mother hired an attorney and found out that while a child can't choose who to live with until about the age of 12, their opinions and wants will matter to a judge as young as 6. It also helps to ask to have a Guardian Ad Litem appointed to the child(ren), so they may not have to be put in the situation of standing up in court and choosing one parent over the other. The courts ultimately decided that I could stay with my father and stepmother thanks to the Guardian Ad Litem's opinion that it would be in my best interest. Check all your options, there are more than you think

[JWills]

I agree with Autymsmommy. I too, am a stepchild. My mom didnt necessarily try and turn me againts my dad and his new wife, but I think she was worried that my stepmom would replace her. My parents remain civil, and only on a rare occasion did I ever hear one say something bad about the other.

[MommyFig]

Take a deep breath for one! I am a step-mom to a 13 year old girl. My husband and I have a 6 month old together. Everything was wonderful, until we got married. I understand being a Mother now, the feeling of what her Mother feels. Another woman is spending time with your child and you are not there to know exactly what is going on. I have really learned...QUICKLY...Alex is not my child...I need to make sure that when she with us she is well taken care of, but I can not worry about disciplinary actions, what things are being said at her Mom's house. I always keep my husband in the loop of things that are being said, but men don't like drama, they rather stay out of it. Boys may be different than girls, but I also know that kids want what they want, and they may play parents to get what they want...that is very frustrating to me. It also seems that every other day to the ex I am the wicked step-Mother, some days I am not even a step-mother I am her "caregiver"...some days I am the best thing that happened to them. My husband and I are Catholic...after spending many times in confession many different Father have told me...let the parents work it out, take care of our child. It's really hard to put all this in to words, but I understand where you are coming from and you are not alone.

[lou]

Thanks for the encouragement mommyfig. It is frustrating being a step parent especially a pregnant one because hormones are rampant on top of it all and it's hard not to say something to her like keep your mouth shut at least till the kids are out of hearing range. It's especially frustrating how she uses the kids to get her way. Like you say they're not my kids and I especially realize that and don't impose myself on them like I am. my response to them when they say "well my mom let's us do ......" is "well I'm not their mother they already have a good mom and in our house the rule is ....." I never say bad things about their mom...., well not when they're around anyway.
I just try to be there for them in an unbiased manner and try to be a good role model and show them relationships/marraiges can work and spend time with them and my fiance. the ex's new thing has been to dump the kids on me though which is not kosher. As my fiance knows I would do just about anything for him and the boys, but when it comes to her well she can just kiss my u know what.

he also knows that they're not my responsibility and I'm not a babysitter, they come over to see him not me. It's not fair to them to come over to see him and he's not there to spend time with them, hence the visitation schedule. When their mother drops them off she drives away as soon as our door opens so there's no way I could catch her if say I couldn't watch them if my fiance wasn't home (and I've no way to contact her via phone etc.), which I have done but now regret as she just assumes that if she can't watch her kids and she knows he's working she can drop them on me. My fiance has to work one weekend a month and one particular time I told him to be sure she doesn't drop them off cause I'm going into work as well, to which he replied she has my schedule and knows that I'm working today but he called and left her a message anyway. well guess what happens. the next day I'm getting ready to walk out the door for work and the boys knock. so I had two choices. one, I open the door she drives off immediately and I'm stuck with her children and have to completely change my plans till my fiance gets home seven hours later or two I don't open the door and they go back home with their mother. I opted for number two, they went home with mom, she later called my fiance to chew him out, how dare he work as scheduled and not make his fiance watch their children! now she follows the set schedule though so mission accomplished right? wrong, she just finds new ways to dump her kids without me having any way out of it. Like last week, the boys showed up around 6 pm (my fiance wasn't home yet but twenty minutes or so is not a big deal at all or worth a fight with her over) and inform me that their mom's going out of town for a couple of days and it's up to me or my fiance to get them to school. You can imagine my shock. My fiance works at 7am which she knows and is why she picks them up in the morning to take them and my fiance later picks them up ( a schedule they've followed for 2 years before I came into their lives). So basically she just dumped her kids on me. I have to say at that point it was a good thing she drove off when I opened the door. As I said before I have no problem helping my fiance with his kids but I'll be damned if my role is to make life conveinient for her. my fiance called her when he got home and she says "you just have to deal with it". I love my fiance very much and I don't let her get between us or cause us to fight which is exactly what she's trying to do. Before I came along the schedule they had worked out together was just fine. since I came along though it's as though she just assumed she had a free babysitter at her disposal or something.

I'm really just venting here as I realize she won't change. It's just really frustrating. I know also that kids will play their parents but so far this hasn't been a problem. It's not the kids they're innocent in all this and really are very sweet boys (well as sweet as boys can be!). It's their mother. I too have thought of the option of custody of them and discussed it with my fiance but we agreed to wait til they're older as they could be pulling the love the one you're with thing on us and custody hearings are too expesive to be an option right now especially when we don't know if that's what they really want or are just saying that when with us. Again thanks for your support It really is helpful to be able to at least vent if I can't do anything else about it and it's great knowing you're not alone out there.

[autymsmommy]

Hey Lou! I have an idea, it may be helpful, it may not be. Instead of deciding that you're not going to act like your their mother (which, you are right, you're not)- if she's going to dump them on you like they WERE yours, what about acting like you are their mother. I'm sure they get fed up with the way she acts also, so why don't you try taking them out and doing things, making loving rules and sticking by them, giving them the attention that they are probably not getting from her. This could serve a dual purpose. One - you would get closer to your stepchildren, and only good could come from that, they are going to feel left out enough when the new baby comes. And Two (the funny one) - the mother is going to think twice about dropping the kids on you constantly if the kids WANT to spend all their free time with you, no mother likes to feel replaced and if you show her that she easily could be, well.... I can almost guarantee that she'll either stop dumping them or may she is just seriously stupid...

[lou]

that's not a bad suggestion! I do occasionally do things with them. my fiance had a photo shoot a month or so ago when we had the boys, so I took them with me to the park for a picnic and play. I only do things with them though when my fiance is unavoidably detained. I also have made some loving rules such as the "I'm bored" rule (see thread, What are your rules that work) and a tv/video limit, of course though I run these ideas past my fiance first. the newest rule is if they start hitting/fighting eachother both will be in trouble no matter who hit who cause someone did something to provoke it, and they're more than old enough to use their words to solve a problem/conflict.

any way I think you may be right autymsmommy. if I take more of an initiative to do things with them of my own accord rather than wait till my fiance is busy I think it may just get her feathers ruffled so to speak. the only thing is she is just to wrapped up in her own agenda that she may not care. guess we'll find out! it can't do any harm and you're also right about the boys when the new baby comes. they say they're really excited to have a new baby and can't wait till he gets here, but I'm not sure they realize what all that entails.

[autymsmommy]

I know it's hard when a parent is so wrapped up in herself that she doesn't seem to notice or care about her own children, and if nothing else, like I said maybe it will just help you and the boys become closer! It's very insightful of you that you already realize how hard the new baby will be on your stepsons. Also, as you said in your first post, the boys obviously feel they can trust you enough to talk to you about the issues they have with their mother, so you can assume they trust and love you already, children are remarkably observant! By the way, I do not have stepchildren, but I do have a stepmother who came into my life when I was younger, and she is not only a mother figure to me she is my best friend! I think it could be wonderful for you and your stepchildren to get closer! And it wouldn't hurt if it made his ex mad... actually it'd be downright hilarious. lol. Good Luck

[lou]

Okay so I've gotten great advice on here, problem is it's not working. their mother obviously just doesn't care if I step in and take over so to speak. so yesterday is mothers day and my fiance and I are going to get breakfast. he's says something along the lines of we'll have to hurry the boys will be here soon. I said surely not it's mothers day and she'll want to have them. Boy was I wrong. when we pull up at home guess who's waiting. Does anyone else find this just a little weird and disturbing? Don't get me wrong it was great having them here, they helped my fiance cook a wonderful meal while I napped and read which was great and they were so proud, but I must admit I was looking forward to having an entire uninterupted day with my fiance.

[autymsmommy]

How horrible for the boys! To know that they are not wanted at their home even on mother's day! I am glad at least that they were made to feel at home in your house. I know and understand why it put a damper on your day (unexpected visits will do that). All I can suggest is maybe the best idea for everyone would be for you and your husband to take an even more active role in their lives, unfortunatly it doesn't appear as if the mother is going to parent them the way she should. The boys best interests need to be represented, even if it has to be by you and him - the non custodial, but more involved parents. I know it's a hard call and a difficult option, but I also know that you wouldn't want these boys to become latch-key kids or feel unwanted, when they have an option of a loving home with you and your husband (even if they don't live with you, knowing that they have somewhere to go if need be could do wonders for them). Good Luck!

[TrubearJ]

Lou...
What is the agreement between the biological mother and your fiancee? Is there a clear agreement between them?
I met my now husband in November of 2006 and we married in March of 2007. He met my oldest son in February. It was a gradual relationship from dates with my son involved to my son staying a couple days with us to now, where we'll have him for school. My oldest dad and myself didn't have a clear agreement. Big problem. I took him to court to not only stand up to him but to get things arranged. It's a lot less stressful in my household now.
I would also like to suggest that you take those moments that your step sons say something that you use it as an opportunity. My son stopped calling my husband step daddy because of his biological father. It's horrible...my oldest gets so scared when it slips out. Or my oldest will tell me that I don't like his daddy because we meet away from his daddy's house. It's sad, but turn a lemon into lemonade. My husband and I talk to my oldest about why he's stepdaddy and thats it is okay to call him that. Or that his dad and I meet in public because we both talked about it. Be honest and teach your stepsons what is the truth.
And Lou, start doing more with the boys. They'll be in your life for some time so it's a good thing to be their stepmom...nurture and care and do things with them. As you get closer to them, maybe you can get on board with doing some discipline.
I see no difference between my oldest biological dad and his stepdad, my husband. My husband, after all this time, has earned the title "dad." Keep strong.

[lou]

To answer your questions yes, there's a very clear agreement between the boys mother and my fiancé. Well it could use a bit more clarification. She drops them off on Sunday between 11 and 2. I would like that to change and have a set time when they get dropped off, but my fiancé doesn't seem to mind it. In the morning she picks them up a little before 7 and takes them for breakfast (usually McDonalds) and then to school. My fiancé or occasionally I later pick them up from school. They stay the night again and their mom picks them up in the morning again. The reason she picks them up is that my fiancé has to work at 7. This has been their schedule for two years now. She also travels a lot with her boyfriend. Before I came along she would make other arrangements for them because my fiancé works so early and can't get them to school when this happens and sometimes he works a 10-7pm shift and can't pick them up. However, recently I've taken the initiative to keep them with us rather than them getting shuffled from one person to the next when she's out of town, so I'll do the running around.
My fiancé and I really do a lot with the kids together and we all have a great time. We could use some more one on one time though, the kids and I. Like I said previously though, I want to be fair to the kids, they come to see their father not me so I feel bad if they visit and he's not there. I've been considering taking them to school myself full-time when we have them that way I can ensure they eat healthy at least two mornings a week, but I'm not sure cause we're getting ready to move to the country and my fiancé and I will be car pooling so it may not be possible for me to do this when we move. I don't want to start doing this for them only to have to stop soon after.

[Mommyof2motherof2]

You have only begun this war. I have been a StepMother of two (now 13G and 12B) for 8yrs married for 7 and a Mommy of two (BG) for almost 6 yrs. All that I can say is make sure that the Childrens schedules are solid (no holes in the pick up and drop off). Another thing that you have to realize is that when you do get married, have his child she will change and the children too. My two stepchildren said this "It's all because of the baby" " It all changed when you married Daddy". "It's because you had another baby". The things that the bio (biologicalmother) has taught my two stepchildren will turn your blood. Being a StepMother of chidlren is a lot harder then being the Mother. Parttime or not it gets harder the older that they become. It will get harder emotionally. As long as you and your fiance are together on everything (rules of the house/chores/schedule/parenting/punishment/bio) you will be fine. If you have NO support from your fiance then you will have a lot of issues and it will fail. Good Luck.

[lou]

Thanks for the advice. Fortunately my fiance is very supportive. I have to agree that being a stepmom is harder than being the mother. I'm still trying to get rid of the holes in the schedule, right now my fiance doesn't see it as a problem though. his case is that he's home anyway what's it matter if there's a three hour window in which she'll drop them off. My response is that he may not always be there and may want to make plans in the future and I most certainly will and do so now. Also, what about when we move, there will have to be a set time and place then that they meet to exchange them as we don't know where she lives and she won't know where we live either (this would be different were it my decision to make). I keep trying to get him to tell her to have them here at such and such a time as we might as well start a set drop off time now as opposed to later. It's not as though we don't have lives and can just sit around and wait. GRRRRRR!!!!! so frustrating.
other than that though he's really on the same page as I am, so I think we'll be okay.

[Curl]

I have a stepdaughter 10, my daughter who is 9, and my husband and i have a 13 month old. After 2 years of what you are going threw, i decided to call her mom and make friends it wasn't easy honestly i do not care for her at all, but it sure has made my life soooooo much better!!!! She calls me to make plans and i call her when we have plans . We keep each other up to date on the latest things at school. You see my husband and her do not get along so it is just easier for me to deal with it. It has helped our situation so much. I'm not saying become you have to become BFF just be nice for a few conversations a month. That way maybe you can help get them on a better schedule for you and them. Hope it Helps!

[lou]

okay I need to vent. ex wife takes my fiance back to court to tack on extra expenses (daycare, back dr. bills that we never recieved but have asked for, and back daycare expenses) and cut back the visitation so she could get the child tax deduction ( she claimed one and he the other as they had joint custody) and raise the amount of child support and because my fiance was really sick he didn't show. not a smart move but it couldn't be avoided. he then took her back to modify the agreement to get back his rights but to no avail. the judge took no pity despite notes from work and the Dr. anyway the agreement now states we're to have them everyother weekend, pay for half of daycare which of course he gets no say in where they go so she sends them to the most expensive one in town and is retroactive starting in 2006, he's lost the child tax deduction, they raised the monthly amount of child support also retroactively from 2006. If we could have afforded a lawyor this probably wouldn't have happened but since we're now paying for her lawyer we can't afford one.
The thing that pisses me off though is that she did all this for the money and just to make our lives difficult, she doesn't really want her kids and certainly doesn't need the cash. since this agreement was filed we've still had them every weekend and then some even though it's supposed to be every other weekend which for the past few months has been fine as we thought it wouldn't be a problem getting our rights, well his, as there hasn't been any significant change to justify all this. this all started in jan.and we didn't get in to attempt to modify till just last week the 27th(great judiscial system we have huh?). We did explain to the judge that despite the contract made in January we have still had the same amount of visitation we've always had. we thought, wrongly apparently, that this would show we did want them while also showing she didn't, that she just wanted the money that came with full custody. This did nothing for us though.


well my fiance and I decided that though it will be hard on the kids, we're going to give her what she asked for, full custody. we decided we're only going to take them every other weekend as the contract now states. So we sat the kids down and explained that we love them very very much and that this is and always will be their home, but that we weren't going to be able to take them every weekend like we have been and it's not that we don't want to. We didn't go into telling them why as we didn't want to point blame at their mother or talk bad about her.

The reason we've done this is because we know she doesn't want the kids. she on numorous occasions has let them over hear that they're inconveinianing her life and when she was leaving my fiance for another man said "why should I sacrafice my life and what I want for the kids, they're going to grow up and leave anyway". Nice huh? Anyway, having those kids all the time is going to piss her off because she doesn't want them and now she can't lead the life she wants. the boys are going to drive her nuts with the whole I want to live with dad routine and just drive her nuts in general. They already complained about her yelling at them and they want to live with us before teh changes were made. I just explained then that being a mom is hard and their mom is probably just frustrated. Eventually (i give it no more than six months) she'll give in, (the money's not near as important as her life) and modify the agreement herself. Us attempting to modify to gain our rights has done more harm to our situation than good (we just get stuck with her lawyer bills) so we figure we'll let her take us back to modify the agreement when she gets fed up having them all the time and either give us full custody or restore the original joint custody agreement, she can't possibly get anything more out of us if she takes us back.
us letting her know that we're going to follow the contract she made to a T until such a time she deems it necessary to modify it herself has done nothing to thwart her attempts to dump her kids though. Just today she dropped them off trying to play dumb like she didn't understand the agreement that she made. my fiance wasn't home and someone knocked on the door so I opened it, it's the boys, and she immediately drives off with a smirk on her face and a little wave. I don't have a number to reach her which is probably a good thing now, so I call my fiance and let him know. he calls her and she tries to play dumb. well long story short, we stuck to the agreement and had her come pick them up. I did sit down with them and reiterated to the boys before they left that we love them very much and this will always be their home and it's not that we don't want to keep them we do very much so, we're just not able to right now. I didn't go into why and they didn't ask I just let them know they are wanted here so when they go with their mom she can't convince them other wise. I'm just really frustrated over the whole thing as it's really the kids that get stuck in the middle of all this. I just try to remember that it won't be long till they're with us and in a stable environment where they don't get shuffled around to various people. Sorry about the long post I just needed to vent. I feel better now.

[lou]

Also, I forgot to mention that our marraige has been put on hold as well as we can't possibly afford to pay her anymore especially with our own child on the way. When in court it was confirmed that if we go ahead and get married they take my income and assests into account as well as his(We had already suspected this which is why we're not already married) and it doesn't matter that I'll be having my own child (first family comes first). I love those boys dearly and they will never go without and don't now (far from it actually) but I'll be damned if I ever give her a penny. She has a great paying job and her now fiance also makes good money too. It's funny cause my fiance asked what if she gets married do you take his income into account. they said no they're not his kids why should he be responsible for them financially. well they're not mine either but that makes me responsible and that guy is the reason they're not together now. he broke the family up that should make him at least in part responsible. GRRRRRRRR. life can be so unfair sometimes. this doesn't really matter though. in our minds we're already married.

[TrubearJ]

Don't you just love the exes Lou? It's real important not to give in to her games and not to put the kids in the middle. My ex does this with our son and I have some uncomfortable questions asked from him. Nice. Anyhow, is there a free legal service available in your area or maybe a lawyer who does free consultations? I know you don't want to go to court, but you might want to talk to a lawyer just to make sure all ducks are in a row. Document everything...phone calls, emails, texts, pick ups and drop offs etc. My ex just got a lawyer because he wants to change our agreement; he wants my son for school. So I know how fustrating it can be. Have you ever thought that maybe she was also causing stress to break you and your fiancee up? Remember to keep strong and keep a united front.
Maybe a voodoo doll? Kidding. ;)

[lou]

the free legal services are for the mothers. my fiance already tried that. they were created for mothers having a hard time finding and affording representation to get child support from deadbeat dads. they don't help fathers who are now paying 48% of their paycheck to a greedy ex wife. he did get their sympathy though, but that doesn't help us. As for a free lawyer consultation i'm sure we could find one and when she takes us back we will. I told him we would hire a lawyer next time whether we could afford it or not. however, he doesn't think that will help us cause he was trying to agrue that he can't afford to pay as much as he was and how would it look if he says he can't afford the child support but is paying a lawyer? I told him he could just say the lawyer was a gift from some one, but in illinois gifts can be considered as income in child support cases.

As for the kids, my fiance and I try very hard not to put them in the middle. we don't talk about their mother or her boyfriend in front of them ever and when they bring up stuff about them like "we went and did this" or "they yell at us" we just say that's nice I hope you all had fun" or "they're just frustrated". I don't like making up an excuse for them as to why they yell at the kids all the time but what else can I say without saying something the kids shouldn't hear? I also am asked alot of questions that I'm pretty sure don't come from the kids like "what are the directions to the new house we're moving too, when are we planning on moving, why are you selling your car and what are you going to do with the money, how much money do you make at your job and where is your job, etc." I don't answer these and just gently say that they needn't be concerned with it.



As for not playing into her games, that's why we're going to follow the decree she modified. before we went to try to modify we would play into her games as far as the kids visitation was concerned. we thought this would help our case by showing we want them us while she doesn't, she just wants the money that comes with the full custody. However since this didn't work we're not going to do it any more. we're going to give her exactly what she asked for and if she doesn't like having the kids all days of the month but four then tough, we'll take them when she takes us back to modify. this way we have some ground to stand on as far as negotiating, we won't be stuck with her lawyer bills, and it'll make her look bad. she has exactly what she asked for now, if she goes back to renegotiate the visitation I think the judge will then see her true colors and we'll be able to say that yes we'd love to have the kids more often but if we take them we want the original divorce decree reenforced as there's no other way we can do it.

Also YES, I'm absolutely convinced she's causing stress to come between us. my fiance seems to think she had originally planned on trying to get him back eventually and I ruined her plans. see the guy she cheated on my fiance for is like 40 years her elder and supposedly sick (cancer). he was her professor. he seems to think that she planned on trying to get him back after this guy kicked the bucket or left her for someone else (he's notorious for having relations with his students). I tend to agree with him too as this whole mess started after i came into the picture.
Also, just to show you where her mind is, when they were first going through this divorce she didn't want to get divorced, she wanted to pick the kids up from school and come back to their house and have dinner do homework tuck them in and leave at night to stay with her boyfriend when the kids were asleep and then come back in the morning to wake them up and get them ready for school and eat breakfast as a family. I don't know what this sounds like to you but to me that's just insane. the kids would find out eventually and what my fiance was just supposed to have no life and be happy with a sham of a marraige? I don't think so and obviously neither did he.
my fiance and I are very happy together despite the situation so I'm not worried about us, we'll be just fine. I am worried about what the cut back in visitation will do to the boys even though I know it won't last long. I'm liking the voodoo doll idea!!!!

[myboysmom]

isn't it amazing that in this day and age where dads are more involved than ever that the judicial system is still so behind? In a time where we are so pro equal rights you would think that the courts should be looking at each case a little closer and more individually b/c of that. I feel for your situation lou, and hope I never have to deal with it!! And isn't it sad that the boys aren't coming first for her? It's wonderful that you and your fiance are there for them in the way you are, nonjudgemental and non biased.

[lou]

I agree with you about our judicial system, what a crock. I too hope you never have to deal with it or any one else for that matter, well with the exeption of the boys mom (of course her boyfriends kids are all grown)!!! I think it's very sad that the boys don't come first above her life and money. those boys love their dad like crazy and she's basically keeping them from him by putting us in this situation. someday, when they're much older they'll come to resent her selfishness and realize what she robbed them of. I know as I was in a very similar situation as a child. I feel very bad for them about cutting back their visitation with him but right now we don't really have any other options. I jsut know that it won't last long any way. she'll get tired of having them all the time.
thank you for your kind words!

[TrubearJ]

Lou, we have so much in common. I hope you can get things in order with his ex. My ex told the mediator at court that he still is in love with me and wants the family back. He even said that he wanted to have my son for school because my marriage was for show and I was going back to him. Lol. It sounds like you and your fiancee have your heads screwed on straight and are making wise decisions. And yea, the court system sucks. They lean towards the mom and shut out the fathers. Hopefully there will be a change.

[lou]

Taht's too funny about your ex and his wishful thinking. some people! I too hope there will be a change. there are just as many unfit or dead beat moms as there are dads and I think the court systems are detrimental to the children when they don't account for that. I too really hope we get things settled especially for the sake of the boys, it's so unfair to them.

[ccmommy]

I understand Lou. :-) The exes baffle you on the best of days don't they? My hubby's ex is bi-polar and when she goes off her meds the whole world comes to an end...

Put it to you this way.


She sold her son for a car. That's right. A Car. :-) After she cheated on my hubby and he kicked her out he took her to the car lot and said " I want the house, the boat, the truck, and MY BOY...pick one and I get full custody."...and she WENT for it.

I'm sorry...WHAT kind of mother refuses to even put up a fight in court for her child?? He gave her a break on the child custody percentage too. (In TX the former spouse can help determine the cost of child support) That was part of the deal because luckily at the time my husband didn't need her help taking care of my son. I didn't come along until a good bit later... but after I did and we started living together my son started calling me mama. Well... she hadn't even ASKED to see him in close to two months at that point. She saw him once a week to take him for his allergy shots and that was it. As far as everyone, including my son, were concerned she was a once a week baby sitter. She flipped and told him he was never allowed to call me that again. (He showed her...he still does...haha) but it's been tumultuous ever since. She's nice to my face but encourages him to misbehave at home when it's just him and me. She'll stop by unexpectedly "just for a hug..." and then leave him crying when she won't take him with her...

He doesn't even have a room at the new boyfriend and her's house. He sleeps in a cot on the corner in their room, and isn't allowed to stay on weeknights without several weeks notice because the boyfriend "has to be at work early and it's an inconvienience."

My husband goes to work for 5 am and when I was working I was at work for 5:30 am...do you have any IDEA what it cost us in baby sitters just to be able to work?? no daycare on the PLANET opens that early...but them keeping him on a weeknight was inconvienient for the unemployed mother and the boyfriend who didn't have to be at work till 8... it's outrageous...


The kids will be okay. They sound like strong little boys Lou...and they know what's going on. You and your man are doing the right thing by not talking badly about them in front of the kids... trust me. :-) Hang in there, and research research research lawyers...You're in my prayers and I hope you take that b-word to court, bring the boys home, and give her a taste of her own child-support medicine!!!

[lou]

ccmommy-
wow. that's all I can say. she sounds like a horrible person. and him not having a room of his own there, that's just ridiculous. right now my fiance and I are in a small 2 bedroom home, well three but the one downstairs is an office/band rehearsal/storage/play room. we do have a country house we're moving to that's much larger and has plenty of room for all of us and the new baby but we can't move there till we sell the house we're in now.(can't afford to pay all the bills on two houses at the same time). The point is that even though when the baby arrives we have no room for him here we'd never dream of taking the boys room from them to use even though they're only with us every other weekend now (used to be every weekend as I explained previously). They have their own room at the country house as well. how unwelcoming that house must be for your son. I can't stand that your SS and my SSs are told they're an inconveinience by their own mothers. What were they thinking when they had kids? Of course having kids inconveiniences your life because once you have them it's just NOT YOUR LIFE. sometimes it can be inconveinient for me to take care of her kids too, my SSs, but I'd never say it to them nor would I act like it was not in a million years. that's just the way things work.

You're no longer #1 when you marry and have kids, you're #3,4,5,6,7,8,9........

I'm glad that your SS trusts you enough to call you mama, that's great. and thank you so much for your kind words. I'm sure they do know a little of what goes on despite at least my own efforts to sheild them. I just wonder what they're hearing from the other side. They don't always talk about what their mother says and I have never asked nor will I ever ask, I just listen when they choose to tell me something. they still ask all the time to live with us which is good, we'd love to have them, but again custody battles are just so expensive and we have no way to afford it right now. We'll just wait and see what happens for awhile. we're giving her what she wants, full custody or rather the money that comes with it and what she doesn't want, the kids. the new decree says we get them every other weekend so that's what we're doing now. we no longer allow her to drop them off every weekend as she used to or when she goes on vacation, which is all the time (and trust me there's no lack of effort on her part). I think the kids are going to drive her nuts and before long she'll take us back to court. this way we don't get stuck with her lawyer bills and we're doing exactly what was stated in the decree which is what she wanted so she'll look bad going back to reinstate the original decree she had or something that works even better for us and them. Before the last time we took her back she had her cake and was eating it too. she got the money that comes with full custody and we still had the kids every weekend and then some.

I can't wait till she finally reaches her breaking point with them and she gets what she has dished out. I'm a strong beleiver in what goes around comes around and though it may take years she'll get hers too. thank you so much for the kind words and prayers. You'll be in my thoughts too.

[War_Eagle]

I'm not a step parent but I do know a little about the law.

Write down everything that she does and says. Note the day, the time and any details you can.

It doesn't sound like she's honoring the custody agreement and a record of that will work in your favor, should you and your husband try to gain custody or renegotiate child support.

[MommaVal]

I too am a step mommy & I know what your going thru. My stepsons mom is really a piece of work and takes the cake too when it comes to the parenting award for the year. She plays games with my step sons head and allows him to see his dad ( my husband) for a few weeks or even months ( if she's feeling generous) then for no aparent reason just stops letting him have contact. We have figured out the pattern though, when she has a new guy in her life then she stops the contact. When shes single then she starts calling my husband.

She never stays in one place too long and admits to my husband that she cannot handle my step son any longer and as a result she only has him in her custody 2 nights a week. We have to find out who has him during the time between those nights and the nights she allows my husband to see him. She also has admitted to many people that we all know that she doesnt want my step son, That his too is an inconvience and she wishes sometime that my husband would just take him... But when we tried then she played the marter card and tried to get everones sympothy but that resulted in her being arrested for domestic violence when she attackede my husband. She is absolutley horible and not only neglects my step son but the emotional abandonment of the child leaves him overly needy and whinny and when he comes around the other 3 children we have see this behavior and try to mimick it because they see him getting away with it. I am almost at my wits end. I wish she would just let us have my step son so we can provide the stable loving enviroment he needs and just leave us all alone but when she tells me that 4 months ago she just started to get over my husband and I being married and having a child togther when we've been married for 2 years and been together for 3, I think she has a greater motive for the stunts shes pulling.... Any advice would be greatly appreciated and very helpful. Thank you in advance