How would you handle this????

[MDogg]

I'm pulling my hair out trying figure out how to keep my 5 1/2 yo step-daughter from doing what-ever, when-ever, and where-ever she wants.

Just today she and I were making a rhubarb pie. We got the top crust on and I had to go in the other room to get something. I specifically told her, "Don't touch anything on the counter, especially the pie..I'll be right back". I even repeated that statement a couple more times before I left the kitchen.

I was gone all of 1-2 minutes. When I came back into the kitchen I saw she had eaten several areas of the pie crust! I looked at her and said, "I told you not to touch anything on the counter..what did you do?". She told me, "Nothing." But the look on her face told me she knew exactly what I was talking about.

I asked her, "Why did you eat the pie crust when I told you not to touch the pie?". Her answer (as it usually is) was, "I don't know..because you weren't watching me".

Earlier today she wanted a cheese & cracker snack. I told her she could have one, and only one. I went to the bathroom, came back out, and she matter-of-factly let me know that she had TWO snacks. I asked her why she had two when I told her she could only have one. Again I got the "because you weren't watching me" excuse.

This behavior is becoming quite a problem as it is an every day thing. It's as though she has no impulse control at all. If she wants to touch, play with, do, or eat something..she just does it, no matter what she is told. I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall sometimes. No matter how many times she is told not to, she does it anyway.

I don't know how to respond to this behavior as putting her in the corner for time-out seems to be uneffective. When her time is up she just goes back to doing what she got the time out for in the first place. Taking away things or privileges doesn't seem to work either.

How would you handle this behavior?

Please, any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.

[eniese]

First off, I'd decide which battles you want to pick. Most toys you probably don't mind her playing with when she feels like it as long as she picks up after herself. Anything that you want her to have supervision for should be put where she can't reach it or behind a locked door. Then YOU decide what she gets, how much snack, etc. She can't just go and grab something. Then, as she learns to be respectful in how she requests things and isn't always trying to wheedle extra snack or extra whatever out of you, start giving her the opportunity to "take one and only one" again. There are two issues at work here: one is the impulse control, the other is flat out disobedience. By removing the opportunity for impulsiveness, you give yourself the opportunity to help her learn to obey.

[MDogg]

Thank you, eniese, for your reply.

When I said she plays with what-ever she wants, I didn't make myself clear..I wasn't talking about toys. She has a room full of toys that she can play with at will. It's the non-toy items I was talking about..for example: items belonging to me or my husband, things that don't belong to her or things that children shouldn't be playing with. She knows she isn't supposed to play with things that aren't her toys. If we remove all the opportunities for impulsiveness, everything in the house would be in the closet!

As for the snack example..I gave her one snack and told her she could only have that one, no more. She helped herself to another one while I was in the bathroom. Yes, the snacks are where she can reach them..but they will be put up high today!

My frustration comes from feeling like I have to be right beside her every second of the day..my eyes on her at all times, literally. As long as I have my eyes on her, she is fine. But as soon as I go into another room or even turn my back on her, she is into or doing something she knows full well not to.

I expect to do this with a baby or toddler but at 5 1/2 yrs old I didn't think I'd have to take her with me everytime I went to the bathroom or left the room. Seems like this is the only way though. I'm at a loss for what to do.

[eniese]

Maybe try taking her into whatever room you need to be in (and don't let her bring any toys, snack, etc.) for a while. Explain to her that since you can't trust her to play quietly by herself she'll need to be with you all the time, but toys stay in the toy room/area and snacks stay in the kitchen/dining room (wherever you normally allow them). With luck she'll be bored and get the picture. Your other option is to make her go to her room whenever you have to get other things done. Good luck!

[cay8099]

You may want to try discipline that is a little more unconventional. Lou (one of the regular posters on this site) keeps a chore jar for her step sons. She fills it with slips of paper with age appropriate chores that aren't part of their everyday chore list. When they don't listen or behave badly she has them pull out a chore as punishment. I though that was a really good way to handle punishments for children.

[MDogg]

Thank you eniese and cay8099. You both have given me some good ideas that I will be implementing right away.

I feel a bit amateurish..I have already raised two children of my own and didn't have this much of a problem with them. I have not been faced with raising such a strong willed (?) stubborn (?) challenging (?) child until my step-daughter. I want to make sure I do right by her and teach her appropriate behavior. She can be such a delightful child and I am blessed to have her in my life......

I hope I can survive raising this child with most of my hair intact! ;) LOL