New SAHM, is it always like this?

[sstaples]

Hi all, I am very new to the sight and have really benefited already from reading what everyone has to say.
I am a mom of two wonderfuld kids, a 9 year old and an 8 month old. My 9 year old and I have been through a lot. I found myself a single parent when she was 3 and it was just the two of us until she was 5 (truth be told, it was always just the two of us). I was faced with taking care of my daughter alone so I did what I could. I followed in my dad's footsteps and became a Border Patrol Agent. Not a job that most women chose to do but I loved it. I really felt that I was doing a great job of providing a good life for my daughter, I was completely set financially, and I felt that she had someone to look up to. Fast forward.... I met and fell in love with another BP agent. We married about two years ago and had our son. After he was born I went back to work but the stress of two PA's in one family was putting a strain on all of us (long hours, rotating shifts, dangers in the workplace). We decided that it would be best if I left the patrol and stayed home to raise the kids. My daughter couldn't be happier. She thinks it is so cool that I am at every school funtion now, I am home to help with homework, go to the park every day, etc. My husband is thrilled as well. He tells me all the time how lucky we are to be able to do this. He is wonderful.
Here is my deal. I miss my job like crazy. There are several married couples at my station that are married to other agents and have children. Most of the time a woman doesn't leave that kind of job to raise kids. After you have arrested 18 men the desert by yourself, coming home to change diapers (their words) isn't what we usually do. I was so proud of myself for being able to do that job. I was good at it. I felt like I was giving my daughter something to look up to. Now I rely on the my husband to make the money. I get sad everytime someone asks me what I do for a living. I only left my job 4 months ago so I am really hoping that it gets easier. Don't get me wrong, I didn't get to see all the firsts with my daughter so I love being home with both of my kids now. I just feel like.. I don't know. Does anyone else feel the same way? And by the way, I am NOT saying that staying at home with your kids is not something to look up to. I have every respect in the world for those that do it. I just need to get to the point where I give myself props for doing it.
Sorry I wrote so much. Thanks for letting me vent!!

[mama22]

I wish I could hug you. I went through it a little at first also, but in a different way. My whole life all I wanted to do was be a vet. World traveling, board certified, book writing, wild animals in the jungle kind of vet. Marriage was not in my plans let alone diaper changing! My how quickly things changed! I ended up marrying my high school sweetheart, completing a few years of college (with min. 5 more to go), before deciding I really wanted children. I dropped out of school to start a family, knowing I would stay home with them. I absolutely love it, but for a long time I struggled, feeling like I was a failure, useless to everyone in the world except my husband and baby. I felt like I had always had a report card, transcript, dean's list etc. to prove to everyone how brilliant I was. Now I had a drooling baby and was lucky to get a daily shower. It was a little hard to swallow. Mostly it was just pride getting in the way of a full appreciation of all I'd been given. I struggled a bit with postpartum depression and saw a counselor for that who also helped me deal with my need for validation of what I had chosen. It's hard when someone gives me a hard time about "wasting my education," but now I just smile and say I'm proud to be an extremely smart stay-home mom. Eventually I'll get a degree towards another career, but for now I couldn't be happier. I hope the same will be true for you soon. Just remind yourself (and any other naysayers) you can be proud to be an extremely strong, brave, kick-ass stay-home mom, with or without a paycheck to prove it.

[ra11en]

While I'm sure your BPA job was extremely dangerous, I much more admire your courage to decide to work exclusively in the home. I don't have that courage, and I read postings like yours in awe of that kind of bravery and security to do such a much-underestimated, sacrificial, and most needed job. Your choice does not just effect your children; it will effect every person your children (one day adults) interacts with, the jobs they will one day perform for society, and potentially effect society as a whole. It takes one heck of a special parent - man or woman - to make a decision you have made. My hats off to you, and I hope one day I can make that choice and make the honorable one as you have. I have no idea how being a SAHM must feel like or the trials/tribulations of devoting yourself to that, but I for one admire you and respect you for what you are attempting and will most likely succeed at.

Good luck you and your family. Even if you can't yet give yourself props, know that there are some of us giving you some instead. ;)

[sstaples]

Mama and ra11en,

I can't tell you two how much your responses meant to me. I cried when I read both of them. I am proud of my decision but it is by far the hardest decision I have ever made. Both of you sound like you have great heads on your shoulders and SAHM or not, you two rock. Weather we decide to stay at home and do our thing or go out into the workforce and do our thing, it is what kind of mom we are to our kids that counts. ra11en, please remember that.
I think sometimes it is hard for me because my husband still does the job that I used to do. He comes home and tells me about his day, and most of the time I really want to hear it. Other days though I wish I was out there doing it myself and I'm a little jealous. How horrible is that?! Jealous of my own husband. He told me tonight though that he never takes for granted the decision I made and he knows what a sacrafice it was. He is so good to me.
I hope that I will eventually be as proud to say that I am a SAHM as I was to say that I was a Border Patrol Agent. You know, my dad was a Border Patrol Agent and my mom was a SAHM. I guess I just followed in both of their footsteps. And they weren't bad footsteps to follow.
Thanks girls.

[ra11en]

It must be incredibly tough to be as supportive as you are, and I don't think there is anything wrong with you having jealousy pangs. I think it would be strange for you NOT to have those feelings! It sounds like you and your husband are really good together, and genuinely appreciate each other. That relationship will get you through the toughest of times. You're grieving for a life you loved and have chosen to change, let yourself feel those feelings. You know you're going to be a great SAHM, but that doesn't mean you weren't also great at being a super BPA.

[mama22]

ra11en - WOW! I'm printing your response to read to myself the next time someone judges me for staying home. You are awesome! And keep in mind, it can be just as honorable to serve your family by remaining in the workforce, if that is what you truly love. And, by the way, you're a smarty. "Grieving" is exactly the way my counselor put it when we talked about what I was feeling.

sstaples - You are grieving for the future you thought you'd have, the plans you envisioned for yourself. Even though you know the future may turn out even better than you planned, it is like embracing a new identity for yourself. You can't do that without saying goodbye to the old one. And I'm totally jealous of my husband! He gets to drive alone in the car home from work in silence! or listening to the radio station he picks! or thinking his own thoughts! every day! I tease him about all his luxury time in the car (He does not enjoy commuting so alas he does not appreciate it from my perspective). I also feel sorry for him that I didn't finish school so that HE could stay home and have the best job in the universe like me. He misses so much of the fun stuff with the kids; now that I know what it's like, I could never give it up.
I would just be honest with your husband about it. If you're having a day that you just can't hear about his workday, let him know. Just tell him you'd love to hear about it when you're feeling a little better about your own. Being up front with him about it will make it easier for both of you. And I think you should talk to your parents about it. What you wrote about following their footsteps was so sweet. I bet they'd love to hear it. And I bet your dad is just as proud of you now as he was when you were a PA.