Alienation of Affection

[ch029448]

Hi. I'm a 39 year old divorced and re-married father of 2 (from my previous marriage) - a 9 year old daughter and 5 year old son.

Without getting into too much detail, my previous marriage and ultimate divorce were ugly. My ex-wife still harbors a tremendous amount of resentment toward me and it is painfully obvious that she speaks ill of me in front of the children (despite court orders explicitly forbidding this) and she is using an uncomfortable amount of psychological warfare in terms of supplanting me as my children's father with her new husband.

First let me say, I am active in my children's lives, I take full advantage of all of my visitation, phone calls, involvement with their school activities. There have been no child support, day care cost, or medical expense delinquencies whatsoever.

This past Monday, she took me to court to legally have the kids' surnames changed to her new husband's surname…citing reasons of wanting to integrate my children more cohesively into her new family. I objected to this, the court found her reasoning flawed, and the court upheld my wishes. All I've ever wanted to is to be a father to my kids, love them, care for them, and be a consistent presence in their lives.

Since then I have been receiving voice mail messages and have been having phone conversations with my 9 year old daughter who seems to be furious with me that I have "blocked" the name change. My stance thus far has been to tell my daughter that it’s inappropriate for her to be involved these adult issues such as court, and that her mother should not involve her in these conversations either. During her rants, she is clearly using language and phrases too mature for a 9 year old to formulate on here own. So I am convinced that her anger toward me over this name change is half coached by her Mom and half of her true feelings which have been promoted by her mother's ongoing psychological campaign to alienate me from my children’s' affection.

Tonight, I am to pick up my kids for my weekend with them and I am scared to death to face my 9 year old daughter. What am I going to say to her? How am I going to constructively address and resolve this issue with her? I have no idea how to address this with a 9 year old who is clearly under her mother's "spell" at the moment and not thinking rationally.

[RImommy]

I am a mom, not a dad, but thought I could offer a few suggestions. First, this is a horrible situation you are in, and it is appauling how your ex is dragging your children into your divorce, regardless of the circumstances surrounding it. For your daughter, I would say be up front and honest with her (as appropriate for her age). I would start by saying something like "I can see that you are very upset with me, can you tell what has you so angry so we can try to fix it?" Encourage her to convey everything she is feeling, acknowlege those feelings, and explain honestly your feelings and reasons for what you do. (Above all, let her know that you don't want her name changed because you are still her dad and love her more than anything - possibly with what your ex says and your re-marriage, she may question the role she has in your life) A nine year old can understand alot, and can also pick up if you are not forthright with her. I really hope you can resolve things with her.

[KayLady]

Since your ex doesn't have your children's best interest in mind, I think it would be very beneficial for the three of you to attend family counseling together. You are not going to be able to change your ex's behavior, but counseling can help your children learn how to handle it and understand what's really going on, so your relationship with your children doesn't suffer. It could also help you avoid getting caught up in her games.
The worst thing you could do is back off and not face your daughter, then she might think her mother was right.

[lou]

hi there. sorry you have to deal with this. I know it's hard. I'm the stepmother to two wonderful boys who's mother does the same things and worse. she not only talks down my husband in front of the kids but she does it to her own children, like telling them they're an inconveiniance to her. what you're describing is classic parental alienation syndrome. unfortunately, unless you can afford an attorny and a custody battle there's little you can do. I would highly recommend family counseling with your ex, you and the children. perhaps if you could get an expert to show her the fault in her ways so she sees she is doing her children a great injustice, she'll change her ways. here's a link that discribes parental alienation and provides some statistical facts about children who don't live with there fathers. I live here in IL, and unfortunately our justice system still favors the mothers and fathers are at a great disadvantage. I'd love for the boys to live with us, but unfortunately the ex gets 48% of my husbands checks and then some (daycare, medical), so much of the finacial burdens fall on me and I cannot afford to take her to court. any ways, good luck.

http://www.illinoisdivorce.com/family_law_articles/parental_alienation.php

[lou]

I fogot to mention that despite what your ex says to the children don't stoop to her level. you could say that well your mother is wrong about such and such, but where does that get you? you just start a back and forth arguement between your ex and yourself with your child stuck in the middle relaying the replies to you and her. when the boys come to me and say things like mom said they're an inconveinience, I just say well it's too bad she feels that way and it must have hurt your feelings I'm sorry, but you're not an inconveiniace here. I would just validate your children's feelings, but go no further. say I understand that you must be feeling very angry about ......
but just know that I love you very much no matter what.don't go into any
legal matters (and don't lose your cool or say anything bad about her mother in return), it's none of her business nor should it be. eventually she'll come to understand what her mother's doing and she'll resent that as it does affect your relationship with her. but eventually she'll be able to respect you for not playing the game in return. just show her your love no matter what and ignore the comments from your children. Remember since you split their loyalty has been split too.

[ch029448]

Thanks so much for all of your advice. This is extremely difficult, but your words do help.

[Mikey_BKK]

You write - All I've ever wanted to is to be a father to my kids, love them, care for them, and be a consistent presence in their lives.
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Continue to sincerely show them all that as much as you possibly can and with perseverance, you will also be that. You will never be able to change your ex behaviour so don’t care about what she says and does
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No family is perfect, whenever we have family problems at home, I force myself to be calm (that’s difficult), I turn my back to my wife and concentrate on my daughter (that’s easy). My wife can say and do what she wants, I don’t care, but I do think that if I consistently do this every time, then my daughter will see the truth – unconditional love
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Your daughter will see the same one day - unconditional love with no hidden agendas
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Michael
Father of Idea, the good idea

[kare.bear]

At 9, most children are very empathetic... I would recommend telling your daughter how important she is to you and that changing her name would make you feel hurt and feel like you are not being treated as her father. Children (especially girls) understand feelings better than rules/laws... Your ex wife is obviously making her feelings known. Without backtalking your ex, help your daughter to understand how you FEEL, not your rights as a father. By understanding how important your FEELINGS are in the situation, your daughter may better understand and sense the unfairness of her mother's actions. She can come to the conclusions herself...