4 yr old has imaginary dad friend

[Landon'sMommy]

I'm becoming very concerned my 4 yr old son. Let me give you a little history on his little life. I become pregnant at age 19 and the biological father has never been apart of his life. I met someone when he was around 7 months old and have been with him ever since. He is a great step father and raised another step child from his last marriage so I knew he had the experience. We have a very stable home life. There is no fighting or abuse and we are both pretty active in our kids lives. I'm a bit more active than my husband because he works out of town quite a bit. His daughter who is 11 yrs old also lives full time with us. My son calls my husband Tim because we chose not to lie to him and tell him that is his dad because one day he will inevitably find out he is not, which is what happened to my husbands step daughter and it was a very sad situation.

So now all that aside, my son has been having some strange behavior that I'm not sure how to deal with. When he was around 2 1/2 he created an imaginary friend named Landon, which is also his name. It was really cute and healthy. He wasn't obsessed with his friend but he would make a reference to him every now and then. Within the last year his friend "Landon" has morphed into "my dad". He has made the statement to me 2 times now that he doesn't have a dad. It shocked me that he has already figured this out. I reassure him that Tim loves him and is his "step dad" just like I am his sisters "step mom". I think he hears Tim's daughter call him dad and it confuses him. Also my father, Landon's grandpa, is staying with us for awhile after relocating and he hears me call him "Dad". I know he is trying to figure out why there isn't anyone for him that he can call Dad. He is always talking about his "dad". He calls him on his play phone, and makes lots of references to him like "my dad said" and "well I'll need to ask my dad". My heart is broken for him because I can't make his biological dad be apart of his life, but I did provide him with a loving stable home with both parents that care about him and take care of him. I don't know what to do about the imaginary dad. I'm hoping this is just his way of dealing with the fact everyone else has a "dad" except for him but I know he is confused also. I don't know what to do or if there is anything I really can do. Anyone that has helpful advice on this I'd really appreciate it. Maybe someone else has dealt with this? I don't have access to counseling right now or I would have already done it. If it keeps up and our financial situation straightens out this will be my best option.

[Mikey_BKK]

Hi Landon's Mummy
I wrote in the other thread first but better to put it here actually; here it comes, slightly modified
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First, I must say: don't be heartbroken because you can't make his biological father be part of his life. It sounds like you and your partner are doing a great job being parents.
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I wouldn't worry too much about the whole thing. It is not uncommon at all that kids have imaginary friends, why not a dad?
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Albert Einstein wrote, "Imagination is more important than knowledge..." - and because of that, I try to teach my 4 year and 4 month old daughter to be as imaginative as possible. I almost expect my daughter to come up with something that will surprise me soon, and if it happens, then first of all, I will be proud, then I will do what I have read that child psychiatrists recommend - try to be "friend with my daughter's imaginary friend" - bonding.
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It sounds to me like your son is developing normally, well even, and that he is in a period where he is using his imagination in a way that surprises his parents. Well, that's not a real surprise that kids do that, is it?
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Kids are generally much smarter than their parents think. I don't think that it is a surprise that he has figured out that (many) other kids have Dads but he does not, and it is not a surprise that he fills the gap with his imagination. "the gap" sounds like bad wording, maybe I should write "it is not a surprise that he fills the difference with his imagination". That sounds like healthy imagination :)
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Look at it from his perspective, in your eyes, it's strange and sad, what is it in his eyes? Mean? Creepy? Strange? Sad? Negative? You don’t write if you think that your son is seeing it as positive or negative so I don’t know but isn’t he making it into something positive? Does he look sad when he talks about his dad? Or matter-of-fact maybe? Is his (healthy) imagination and creativity filling a hole in his life or just filling a difference?
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You have correctly so told him that there is a difference, Tim’s the step-father, is it not the most natural thing in the world that a 4-year-old is confused over the difference? As parents, we need just help him a bit. Concentrate on the positive, and ignore the negative, and it will pass over in a while, by it self.
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My best advice to you and Tim – See it as an opportunity to bond with him, make him laugh, hug him.
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Michael
Father of Idea, the good idea :-)

[Landon'sMommy]

Thanks for the reply Mikey_BKK!

I figured (and was desperately hoping) that it is just a normal part of childhood and that his imaginary friend just happened to be named after a person who he knew was missing in his life. I had been ignoring him when he would talk about "dad" or would change the subject just because I didn't know if I should feed it or not. Lately I've been responding to him when he would bring up the whole "my dad said this" with "oh really?" and "What did he say?". Before when I would change the subject it almost seemed like he would bring it up more, now he seems to hardly mention him. He isn't acting in a negative way at all so I'm going to assume this is normal behavior because if it wasn't I would think I would see that something is wrong. If anyone else has any advice on this subject please share!!

[cay8099]

Yep, it sounds like normal imagingation and learning to me, but if your husband wouldn't mind being called Dad maybe you could ask your son if he would like to start calling Tim dad? He's making his imaginary friend dad when technically he already has one. Maybe the step dad isn't there everyday because of work, but he is filling the role of father. It sounds like from what you wrote in your first post that Tim is doing everything a biological father would do; so technically a dad figure is not something he is lacking. Tim is filling that gap in his life.

[Mikey_BKK]

Why don't you call your husband Dad sometimes too, makes the whole Dad thing more natural. Tim's doing a good job anyway and if he's like me... the more kids that call me Dad, the happier I am :)
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Michael
Idea's Daddy

[kare.bear]

I'm with most posters...Why not ask him if he wants to call Tim "dad"... You've already explained that Tim is his step-dad, but that Tim loves him like he's his dad so why not call him that? That way, if your son feels that "everyone" has a dad except him, he can feel included. If he doesn't want to and it's just part of his imaginary world, no harm done....

My brother was adopted and it would never had occurred to us that our parents weren't "mom and dad" since they were filling that role... His adoption was no secret, he always knew there was a birth mom and birth dad somewhere. If Tim is filling the role of dad, he has every right to be called dad, just let your son know that Tim is step-dad instead of birth dad...