Husband has little intrest in sex!

[mamaof3]

I feel like the only woman with this problem! My sex drive is ALOT stronger than my husbands! It is usually the only thing that we fight about. We have been married for almost 7 years. When we were dating things were great and we were both on the same track, so to speak. But about 2 weeks into our marriage, it just seemed to change for him. He has no reason why, except that he is tired or isn't in the mood. I am completely baffled even after all this time. All his friends tell him how lucky he is that his wife wants to. I know that its frustrating for him because it bothers me sooo much. If I try to get him in the mood and he brushes me off I feel really hurt so then he will say ok come here. But by that time I'm like no I don't want pitty sex! I know he's not gay, I have access to his email, he doesn't have time to have an affair and it's a very small town so if anybody does anything the whole town knows. I am the same size as I was when we met. I figure since he married me he must atleast be a little attracted to me. We had sex before we got married so he knew what was in store. I feel like I know how most married men feel. And it really sucks. I have commited to be faithful and only have sex with my husband, but when the one person you can have sex with isn't all that intrestested it really sucks! I can't imagine fighting this issue for the next 60 years. We usually have sex once a week which isn't bad it's just I don't always want to be the one asking. I've tried waiting for him, but then I think we'd never have sex! I don't know what else to do. Thanks for listening to me vent! Like I said I'm probably the only woman in the universe with this problem! LOL

[AgonyAunt]

I went through this with my husband. We had a very active sex life before we got married, then once we were married he seemed to loose interest, it happened again more so when we had children.
My husband and I eventually had some marriage councilling, and the botton line was he stopped thinking of me as his 'girlfriend and lover' and starting thinking of me as "wife" which he though was less attractive! then "Mother".
We had to take a step back, we made a no sex rule (what you can't have you want more of!) and started dating again, and rediscovering each other. It worked wounders.
There is hope. Good luck

[mamaof3]

Thank You AgonyAunt! I think we will start trying to have date nights. With 3 kids I think its just not as exciting for him because there is little time to be spontanous. It's kind of like ok the kids are asleep so if were ever going to it has to be now. Which I totally understand is not the most exciting! Thanks for giving me hope! :)

[mominthecity]

I understand since have been expecting my better half thinks my vagina is to wet and does not like having sex. We only have sex about once a month. I spend more time pleasing myself than we spend pleasing each other. Any advice.

[Amber987]

I have this some issued with my fiancee'. But we've only been together for 3 years. I know he works a lot and he works long hours and we just bought a house so he is always working on the house but there are times we go almost 2 weeks without having sex. And I always always start it. Like you said I try to get him to make the first move but than I know I wont be having sex. Its soooo frustrating. I get so mad and I go to bed angry. And I know they say that you shouldnt go to bed mad but there are times when I go to bed so mad it isnt funny. I dont even want to touch him. I move all the way to the other side of the bed. But than I feel bad because I know he is tired but I just want him to have time for me too. But I just wanted you to know that you arent the only women in the world with this problem. Thanks for letting me vent too.

[okasachan]

augh... i think maybe it's a pre-midlife crisis thing. it happened to me too. i haven't had sex in 6 months. i think i forgot how to do it.

while i was pregnant with my third child, my fiance and i had to stop having sex. if we did, for the whole next day it felt like someone took a chainsaw to my crotch and periodically threw coarse sea salt in it. so we quit then. of course he still got some perks (you know what i'm talking about) though i never ever received those perks--there's some sort of bad repertoire if you pleasure a woman even if no one ever knows APPARENTLY... still sore about that.

anyway, after the birth we had to wait the obligatory six weeks, then i was supposed to get a tubal ligation but my doctor sold me on the mirena IUD because he said he could do it quicker than the surgery... three weeks later they finally get me in there to put it in. i played hard to get to see if he would actually make the first move (which he hadn't in like 2 years, almost three years since i've been on the bottom, yeah that helps for self-esteem) but ended up not having sex and me getting more and more steamed. then he got arrested (past child support). two weeks till he gets out (though it's still indefinite because they jerk you around as if you're not human in prison) but then he'll be living in somebody's shed because he's not allowed to come back to my parents' house (where the rest of us are stranded) PLUS this STUPID IUD is making me bleed heavy flow--it's been three weeks i'm just passing clot after clot (no my doctor doesn't care, he told me i'd have irregular periods so i should hush up--he's a quack anyway and i have no insurance anymore) so i don't even want to put him through disgusting bloody sex with ugly ol' me.

needless to say, i'm pretty damn gripey about it. to deal with it, i consider myself celibate and i'm well into grieving for my sex life. dealing with the death of a part of my life. coming to terms with the inevitable "motherhood" season and gearing up for crone-dom. i'm TWENTY-FREAKING-FIVE. *deep breath* obviously it still hurts... i'm confused about the whole thing because i keep telling myself that it will happen one day (even though it will be ridiculously unfulfilling... those days are just gone) because i told myself i WILL NOT get fat from having three kids and i'm not, and i tell myself i WILL NOT surrender to a gaggle of other hazards i face and i haven't... so i feel i can will it to happen but i'm not expecting anything. willing my boobs to stay big didn't work lol.

i think i'll have a secret ceremonial funeral or something for sex. it should help ease the pain. but really i think it's unhealthy and i have to keep trying new things.

[Disco Lemonade]

God this is happening to me too...its good to see im not the only one. I was starting to wonder and not going to lie, many times I felt like I was being cheated on. It is something very sad to feel that you are unattractive to your husband..i hate it. I am 22yrs old but my husband is turning 30 this month...his always tired and im always in the mood but we end up having sex like...once or twice a month if im lucky...I dont know...sometimes I feel like im making him do something he doesnt want to do...Im tired of being the one to start everything it gets very annoying..I already told him this might cause problems in our marriage

[bvas81]

oh my gawd....
i guess i always knew i wasn't the only one who has felt the same way.. but now it's more apparent on how i am not alone..

[Disco Lemonade]

hey bvas were on the same boat here...the same thing happens to me I start saying to myself "I have all these guys in line willing to do anything for me and all I want is something from this guy thats not giving anything to me" somethimes I get tempted..its not easy when guys tell you they dont care if your married or have kids there willing to do anything for you..I know I will never cheat on my husband because I love him too much but just the fact that these thoughts run through my head is not kewl..your not alone its only natural I guess.. but obviously we need to work something out with our husbands..keep me posted on how things go

[bvas81]

obviously is right!! lol! just like you i get tempted, but I know I wouldn't do it. It is hard to say no, when secretly I really want to say yes though. And it is strange, yet relieving on a level that I can say that here..lol!

[BabyChloe29]

mamaof3 i know exactly what your going through my husband did that after we got married, it's gotten so bad before that i accused him of cheating on me because it makes you feel that way, since i'm in the same boat i can't really help but it's nice to know that someone out there knows how you feel.

[Disco Lemonade]

well I ve never been so up front to my husband about this...but looks like thats what were gonna have to do. We need to tell them that we feel unattractive,cheated on and other feelings we feel...we need to just be flat out maybe that will work

[bvas81]

actually i have been very up front about the situation with my husband. I think he feels lost about the whole thing too.

[MamaN17]

My husband and I had sex a lot before and right after our marriage like most of you have said. Over the 6 years we've been sleeping together we have gone through periods where we went like 3 months with no sex. At first I was freaking out but then after the dry spell we would have sex a couple times a day for like 2 weeks straight! I would try to start it and he would say no and my feelings would get hurt, but then I went a whole different route. I stopped asking and started doing other things. We would cuddle for hours and talk about dreams we have for retirement (silly since it's years away) and suddenly we reconnected. And now our sex life is fantastic!! Hope this helps, sometimes it's better to just wait and see.

[BabyChloe29]

hey disco lemonade, i tried doing that and we got into such a big fight that the police were called and i ended up getting hauled off because it was their "policy", not proud of it. stupid huh? my husband said i'm sick of being accused of something that i'm not doing and i said well then start showing me some f-in affection, when you try to hug your husband does he roll his eyes? and then hug his grandma and kiss her ON THE LIPS and then act irritated toward you? ugh.. my husband does that and then tells me that telling my GAY uncle that i love him lots is gross, ummm which is worse? or am i just freakin crazy?

[sehoner]

I am totally and completely blown away from this topic. I wasn't aware that women were having this problem with their husbands. Sure I could see after 15 or 20 years of marriage things might slow down a bit and after children enter the picture as well, but not to this extreme. Ladies, I am truly sorry. I on the other hand have the exact opposite problem. My wife is tired, stressed out, doesn't feel well, my approach isn't satisfactory or whatever else, it doesn't happen enough. So now I am the one trying the "don't ask" method. We will see if that works.

She says I ask for it all the time, thats because 19 out of 20 times I get shot down. I have grown accustomed (and hating every minute of it) to having sex maybe once or twice a month. btw, she is 27 and I am turning 30 tomorrow.

Even so I still love her, though sometimes I want to strangle her. lol.

I said all that to say "I feel your pain".

Rich.

[Disco Lemonade]

OMG chloe29...I am going to have to admit that is weird!...My husband is very affectionate with me...it's just the sex part that's annoying me...I dont know..i dont want to put things in your head..all im going to say is that I guess his just not the type of kissy kissy guy..I hope

[bvas81]

chloe29.. do you really think that your husband is actually cheating on you?

[BabyChloe29]

no i don't think he is, i can't really have sex that much because i have something wrong with me, i didn't with past partners, (which jerks my chain) but i bleed every single time i have sex and it hurts for days after it's weird. maybe that's why he acts the way he does, do you think after this baby is born it will helpo stretch everythin so i'm not hurting everytime?

[BabyChloe29]

yeah it is a little weird and he wonders why i don't want to kiss him after and plus he thinks i hate his grandma because of what he does. umm no i don't i just wish i could get the same treatment without the rolling of the eyes!!

[bvas81]

even though having sex causes you to bleed and have a sort of discomfort does that cause you to not want to have sex. or do you still "want it more than he does?".

[BabyChloe29]

yeah i had an episiotomy in january to see if that would help but it didn't help as much as i'd hoped it would, i do always wonder "what if" he did have someone on the side but his uncle did that and i just always hear about how upset my husband is that he did that so i don't know you know, i think it's just a girl thing to think that.yeah it's like it makes me want it more than usual which is weird because it hurts SO BAD!! he is very large but the guy i lost it to was as well and it didn't hurt as bad.

[jamesmifa]

Apologies for barging into your conversation, but I thought that it would add some value if I add my 2 cents that come from the other side of the river. Being a happy father of 1 and with a great deal of loving and respect for my wife, I have at some point been the person that you described in your posts earlier on.

Even though my wife sometimes asked me as a joke if I had an affair or not, we never had a serious fight about this as in some of the posts I just read. Let me just say however, that we men, are not so insensitive as you sometimes may think. bvas81 in post #13, said that she confronted her husband with by saying " I dont think I can put up with this for the rest of my life", even though she said that she would never leave him.

Before we talk about, what makes a man not wanting to have sex with his wife, lets just reverse the situation and consider how would YOU feel if your husband told you that.. How do you think you would feel, everytime your husband would initiate sex? The sword hanging above your head, after an indefinite and strong threat, implying that at any moment he could just walk away, if you didnt give him sex? What makes this worse, is that you didnt even mean it!. Men are more sensitive than you think and men are also traumatized as you do. We are just too proud to accept or tell you.. But after a beer or two and a couple of confessions from the other guys, things do come up in the air in men conversations.

So, why would a man stop having sex with his wife.. Men can, and do go through dry spells from time to time but this is not permanent (unless there is a medical reason, for which I am no expert and have no personal experience or talked to anyone who had). We still love our wives during this period, we still like them as women and we are still attracted to them. We men, are also weird creatures but in a totally different weird way than women. I can also tell you in true honesty and I am pretty sure that this covers 90% of men's behaviour, that if you happened to be standing next to your husband ready and willing to have sex when they get into the mood, you would have sex more than once a day. Men do think about sex many times during the day (yeap, just like Sigmund Froyd said) and their wives are part of their fantasies... Our timing however, is wrong. If there was a way to save our thoughts and cravings for the night, after the long hrs of work, things would definitely be better. Because we can't get the sex during the day and at night when it is available for us, we are just not in the mood. And it gets worse when a man feels the pressure to perform.

Let me just finish by saying also that you should keep in the back of your minds, that a man has to be ready and stimulated before an intercourse. A woman may get the stimulation along the way but if the man does not have it, intercourse can not start.

Sex is supposed to be fun ! Noone can have fun by HAVING to do something. This is valid for both sides..

I started to say my 2 cents but I am reaching a $1. I better stop before its already too boring to read...

[BabyChloe29]

i just feel like i'm always being pushed away when i try to sneak a hug in or a kiss, but yet he'll kiss his grandma ON THE LIPS with no proble, it's just wierd to me.

[okasachan]

i spoke about this with my fiance, having not had sex in 7 months. he laid it out straight: it's the kids. there are kids sleeping in the darn room, it just can't happen. it is medically proven that infants and children bring down testosterone levels. it's just too bad that they raise estrogen and turn us into beasts that really don't care who is watching. gotta compromise.
unfortunately, my man is like a monk and can block sexual thoughts from his mind. but... that's a gripe i should keep to myself.

[amanda_jo_hill]

I have read all your posts and I can't tell you how much I can relate to many of you! I am 24 years old... been married 3 years now and he's only 28. I have been my husband's or any man for that matter's dream wife. I will and have done anything and everything any man would want. Yet, here I am... totally attractive, great personality... yet he's rarely in the mood. He used to not be able to get enough of me sexually when we were dating. But now.. I really think he takes my sexuality for granted. It's like he's eaten chocolate cake for awhile and now he doesn't crave it any more. So why do I? I am sooo angry at him for making me feel this way. We've fought so much about this but have come to no conclusion or course of action. I do not believe in divorse, but I cannot and will not live the rest of my life like this. He has put me in a tempting position. I think about other men and how much they want me. O I hate this! He doesn't look at me the same way any more and I have NO control of the situation. There is nothing I can do but suffer in silence. He'll go to counseling but we can't afford it. We're not poor at all but we don't have the extra money for this. I wish counseling wasn't so expensive. My exboyfriends want me so bad. I don't know what to do. He can't possibly be this stupid. He's not depressed, impotent, or anything. This whole thing is hurting my self esteem and our marriage. I find myself becoming very very angry with him because I have devoted my life to him and no one else and he expects me to not bring it up when it hurts me so bad. I can't take the rejection. Oh... it's not you. Don't take it personally. Ok, well.. it definately effects me! Oh girls... this is soooo wrong. I at least need to understand. I at least need to know. We all deserve so much more than this. If any of you want to email... I'm totally here to listen and chat. amanda_jo_hill@yahoo.com

[MommaC]

If he's willing to go to counseling but you just can't afford it right now, hit your local library. There's a plethora of books out there on this topic. Two that I've found helpful so far are "Sheet Music" by Dr. Kevin Leman and "Intended for Pleasure" by Ed and Gaye Wheat. And there are more...many more.

If he used to be more into it...what changed? Does he think about sex as often? If not, then he should. Do you guys flirt with each other like you used to? If not, then you should. Did a steamy make-out session lead to the best times? Maybe something (whatever it may be) needs to precede sex to help him get revved up. As desperate as you may be for sex...DO NOT PRESSURE HIM...do your best to INSPIRE him and be patient. No one wants to have sex if they feel pressured to do it. I know most guys aren't talkers, but if there are other issues that need to be discussed, then discuss them. Sometimes the sex is just a symptom of something deeper. Show you care. Be sexy. Help him feel sexy. No pressure. :) Best of luck to you gals!

[BabyChloe29]

he'll be more affectionate if i let him do it on his own terms, do you think i just need to let him do his thing?

[emaliesmama]

ladies! we promised to love our husbands through the good and the bad! i am obviously not in the same situation as some of you, but the answer is not to cheat on your husbands!!!! don't you use vibrators/etc? buy some sexy lingerie/ do some role playing/live out yours husbands' fantasies.... if that doesn't work, get counseling...if your husband is willing to go, cut back on something else! you need a wakeup call if you think the answer is cheating. i know im probably gonna really make you guys mad, but you are not justified in cheating! think of your children!

[Sept29th]

i would never cheat on my husband, he's been cheated on before and so have i so that isn't an option for me. i just want him to see that i have sexual needs and i want him to meet them (not all of the time) but at least some of the time.

[emaliesmama]

SEPT29TH-i agree. i just felt that some of the others were wanting permission to cheat. if u are that unhappy/tempted, get a divorce. they should think about whether they truly love their husbands. my husband is gone mon-fri. i see him on sat and sun. while we are remodeling, we had to move in w/parents. so, yeah, my sex life sucks too. im lucky if i get sex 2x/mo. and even then, we have to be very quiet and slow so as not to make noise. (my parents sleep in the next room)

[Sept29th]

Yeah and slow is good for not too long you know you get crampy after awhile at least i do, are you pregnant as well?

[emaliesmama]

lol! No, i have a 4 mo old. I don't cramp either, but it sure as heck makes me want to speed it up a little! call me a slut, but i love sex. can't help it. im about ready to die from lack of it. when i expressed same to hubby, he just snickered and said, "where?" god i miss my bed and my sex life.

[Sept29th]

Yeah i'm the same way, we are only human why did god create sex if we aren't allowed to love it!! i'm almost 26 weeks and i get hurting after awhile if we do it now for some reason, but my husband is like depriving me from it (at least i feel that way) because he doesn't "know what to do with me" i need help!!

[bvas81]

No, having temptations is not a good thing to have . I'm human... and that was me venting i guess. I don't know what to do....... I hope...... NO... I KNOW THIS WILL NOT RUIN MY MARRIAGE. I will not let it.....

[1st Time Mom - Again]

In 23 years of marriage, I have only once told my husband I was too tired -- because I actually fell asleep on him! LOL!

On the other hand, he frequently did the same. Over the years there have been many reasons. He has sometimes worked 2 jobs. When we both worked, over schedules haven't meshed. Just as one of us got our shift changed so that we could spend more time together, the other's boss would decide it was a good time to change the other's shift --BACK to the opposite shift again! Or as one gentleman here explained -- sometimes there is just an unexplained dry spell. Sometimes these periods have lasted up to six months, but neither of us has ever cheated (or threatened to do so). We've just learned that sex isn't everything. In fact, we've probably been more active in the last year than in the last ten.

I have, however, found that since my son was born my own desire has been lagging -- not because of tiredness, though I am that -- but just because I'm not responding the way I should. Cuddling is still fine, but when it comes to sex my body just seems to shut down -- and no it's not my age, I'm only 41. (we've been married since we were 18 and 19 respectively). Any thoughts on how I can kickstart this?

[bvas81]

FINALLY!!!!! Things are getting better......... Everything is getting better. I feel horrible, for venting the way I did. And I know there were some people who might not have understood where I was coming from, and I undertand that. And there were some people who were going through the same things I was going through, in response to this thread. But I am sooooo friggin happy things have turned for the BETTER!!! We sat down, we talked (not argue, but actually talked!)... and he seemed to get it! I'm telling you ladies, I felt for such a long time that I was going nutso, and I was getting sooo frustrated. This thread actually helped though. I'm glad I wasn't the only person going through this, and I hope that it gets better for everyone else as well!!! THANKS FOR ALL YOUR ADVICE!!!!!!