The Secret Life of Men

[awillis]

I find that many of the frequent visitors to the Dad to Dad forum are women. I am sure they are here hoping to understand why we men do (or rather don't do) the things that are expected of a dad.

I am a father 6 times over, my oldest is nearly 22 and my youngest is 4 months. I am a former Army Ranger and I would consider myself to be a man's man. I have learned the hard way, the wrong way, the backwards way what it really means to be a dad... and it took some work as I needed to understand why I was conditioned to act the way most men do when it comes to parenting.

Boys are taught not to play with dolls. They are discouraged from playing house by other boys, fathers and even some mothers. If boys are given dolls, they either can stretch 3 feet or they come with combat active gear. (God I miss those toys). My favorite was my GI Joe paratrooper which came with full field gear, a parachute, helmet, weapons... I would have mock battles with my brothers which included mud bomb explosions, snares and trenches to crawl through. At no point did GI Joe need to save, carry, run with or nurture a baby.

As an adult, I not only did not understand how to hold a baby, I didn't even understand what they did. Men like to be masters of their universe. Afterall, we masterminded hundreds of sortees during backyard play. Now, when faced with reality of babies and child care we must either admit our ignorance and ask for assistance in becoming the master of baby things (not likely) or encourage the woman to do what she did when we were kids. Wasn't she always playing with baby dolls, changing doll clothes, playing house... that's what my sister did.

Men aren't difficult to understand. We do what makes sense to us. What doesn't we choose to pass off to someone else.

So how do you change the paradigm that men are stuck in? Convince us that it is in our best interest to be good dads. We cannot feel like you are lecturing us, being condescending, or expressing disappointment with our performance. Those things will have the exact opposite affect than intended.

1. Show us, demonstrate to us, explain in great detail the things you are doing with the baby. Changing a diaper, feeding, rocking to sleep. We may act as though we are not paying attention, but in the back of our minds, where we are still laying out battle plans for GI Joe, we are storing the data you are giving.

2. Ask us to help in small ways. Don't expect that we can take over, women tend to have a lifetime of experience, this is all new to us. Start by asking us to bag a dirty diaper, dispose of it in a trash bin and to wash our hands. Help us understand how to reduce the stink by bagging, and washing our hands gets any poo germs off them and helps avoid baby getting sick... sick baby=lots of crying

3. Ask us to carry baby from here to there, we need to get accustomed to holding a baby. Make sure you give us lots of praise (some gentle suggestions should accompany lots of praise if we don't do it just right).

4. Allow us to do manly chores... carry the car seat, construct the crib, stroller, ... deal with the heavy stuff. We are men, we understand how things go together and how to haul heavy stuff.

Finally, men may feel some resentment if they work and the mother doesn't. It is assumed that the work a man does brings in money and he has done his part. Because the mommy work in caring for the baby does not bring in money, it cannot be counted as work. (No hate emails please... this is just an insight into the male psyche). The best thing to do is allow the man an hour to relax after his long hard day at work. Enforce your appreciation for his contribution. Once he knows that you respect him, and has time to unwind a little, then it is easier to convince him to help out with baby.

Baby steps :)

Alex - www.daddysurvivalguide.com

[cay8099]

Finally, men may feel some resentment if they work and the mother doesn't. It is assumed that the work a man does brings in money and he has done his part. Because the mommy work in caring for the baby does not bring in money, it cannot be counted as work. (No hate emails please... this is just an insight into the male psyche). The best thing to do is allow the man an hour to relax after his long hard day at work. Enforce your appreciation for his contribution. Once he knows that you respect him, and has time to unwind a little, then it is easier to convince him to help out with baby.[/url]

See this is the part right here that gets me. I see the truth in what you say, and I'm not ranting at you, but at the situation in general. Everyone, and I mean everyone feels that I don't work just because I don't make money. Not just my husband, but my Mom, MIL, FIL, and my Dad (the list gose on). They all act like my days are easy and I sit at home doing nothing. If I were to start doing these things for the lady down the street, and she paid me they would call it work.

[awillis]

I have had the opportunity to stay home with my oldest daughter while I attended my last year at college. My wife worked and I played Mr. Mom for 6 hours a day. When she got home, she presumed that I should continue taking care of our daughter since I didn't actually work. It was then that I realized what women must feel, got in touch with my sensitivities and demanded equal rights for parents. Taking care of a house, household and children need to be a shared activity. Making money is the byproduct of time away from home and nothing worth bragging about, raising responsible and respectable children... that is where I am investing my time and energy.

[mommy2b87]

Why should men get to relax for an hour before tending to responsibilities? Do women? Do we get to allow ourselves an hour before we go to the screaming baby? No. When men start putting their kids ahead of their own needs/wants, then we'll show appreciation.

[awillis]

Ahhh, mommy2b87, perhaps you did not get the gist of the discussion. In your mind it makes perfect sense for the man to come home and immediately take up the mantle of responsibility to caring for the child. The hell with respect for traveling to a job where he likely works for someone else, has to answer to business requirements, has to deal with the strain on the economy and the stability of his job ... a man's mind is thinking the whole time... gee, if I were a woman, i could be staying home and avoid all this grief and just take care of a baby. This is the inner working of a man's brain...like it or not.

The goal here is to help him understand his place in parenting. If you don't want to take my advice, I hope you have a good man who doesn't need the help and can contribute the way you want without argument, resentment or dissatisfaction. And make sure you treat him good because he is in the 2% of the male population. The only men who do better are single dads who are forced to parent alone. It took me years to understand some simple truths about parenting...

[mommy2b87]

Well, since we are both busy all day, relax time is when baby goes to bed. It works. As far as the economy goes, if he was worried, he'd get a second job instead of working for crap amount of money and mooching off my inheritance.

[atippit]

i completely agree with awillis.

you are in a completely different situation mommy2b87, you have someone that refuses to get a job and lives off your inheritance money. we're talking about the general populace and the norm. you shouldn't take the frustrations of your own relationship out on all men.

[mommy2b87]

That's true. I guess I was only really looking at both ends of the spectrum and not the general populace. So now I have to say I agree with awillis, especially here in the midwest I have noticed those trends in the male way of thinking, by viewing others' relationships, etc...

[cay8099]

I see where awillis is coming from here, but most men are under the assumption that their job is harder than a woman's. My DH believes his job is harder than mine. I am a SAHM, and I have it from many of the guys he works with that my "job" is harder than his, by far.

What about the women who do go out into the work force, and are expected to come home and immediately take over child care? Where is their hour of sitting on the couch vegging out?

[atippit]

I can definitely say after having been the full time working mom and single caregiver for years with one and now five months into being SAHM for the other that I honestly believe it's harder to stay at home. For Me, it is, because I actually like working. However, knowing what it's like to be out there working and providing for the family and having to be the one constantly stressed about bills, the economy, the future, and the happiness of the entire household... I know that when my DH comes home he deserves to have his time to himself especially since he hates working. I find time for myself during the day when the baby takes naps or during the time my hubby is home before work I can leave and go do my own thing if I need to get out of the house for a little while.

He will always see my job as easier because I get to stay home whereas he cannot, and I will always see his job easier cause he can escape and leave the house whereas I cannot.

The grass is always greener on the other side.

[bvas81]

I asked my husband if he thought his job was harder than mine and he said it is and it isn't. He works for a grocery supply company and he used to work in the freezer section... that job took a toll on him very much physically. Now he is a truck driver for the same company and he said in comparison it is much better to what he used to do just a bit more stressful. He is very much a hard worker and I very much appreciate him as much as he appreciates me. He gets home late so the only time he gets to spend with us is in the mornings and Thursdays (his only day off). Even though he can't spend as much time with us as he'd like too he helps out! He has no problem throwing in a load of wash in the morning, washing the dishes while I cook breakfast, plays with our boys outside while I get lunch ready before he heads off to work and he does it without me having to ask him. It's funny though because his father and one of his brothers are very much different. A few days ago we had a get together and his brother was serving himself some nachos and he told his wife "what's wrong with this picture?" and she said what?? and he told her "i'm serving myself, that's what's wrong!" I had to leave the kitchen because 1. it's none of my business and 2. i was going to go off on him!! His dad is the same way. When I was pregnant my MIL was serving his brother some food while everyone was playing a card game and my FIL told her "come sit down. Bevin, get up and serve him." they speak spanish so he told me in spanish. My husband was sitting down playing a game with them and I was watching them play. I told my FIL "ok, homie don't play that! He has two hands, two feet and they work so he can get it himself. Better yet, you aren't playing the game, so how about you go serve him...." Needless to say, he didn't talk to me for the rest of the night! I can't stant that bs. My husband cracked up! He thinks his dad and his bro are jerks too. I don't understand why some men are still in a different mind set, but I am glad that my husband is not. He isn't a pansy, he is very much a guys guy. Loves to go fishing and to the shooting range and what not but he helps out as much as he can and he does not call it "babysitting" and if and when we need a break he has a guys night and I have a girls night. We have rules and we both stick by them. I wish sometimes I wouldn't have to put the boys to bed at night..... man that's a hassle! LOL!
I hope that he never assumes his job is harder than mine because it def. isn't He thinks my job is harder....and he always says "man, babe, i don't know how you do it!" so, i'm glad he doesn't assume i lay around doing nothing.
He says it's like that video by Lonestar "Mr. Mom" if you guys have time...check it out!!!!!!! You'll get a kick out of it!

[APEMBERTON]

awillis- I have to agree w/ alot of what you say , but some stuff not so much!! I agree that men in general are not prepared & do not grow up like women do playing house & taking care of babies. However, we need to explain it to you even though you may act like you aren't listening....ummm NO if you want help you need to ask for it & LISTEN ...you(men in general) need to get over their ego of not wanting help or not wanting to ask for it especially when it comes to caring for your kid! Also the whole you need an hour to "unwind"...again NOO ...do we get an hour to "unwind" ??? NO ..then neither do you. The debate about who's job is more important is not really valid. Each job..outside job & SAHM job has their high & low points & has harder stuff about them! In general if you decide as a family that the mom is going to stay home then that is it... no debate about who's job is harder & no one gets "unwinding" time until the baby/kids go to bed ..then you both get down time!! Just like someone else said..(either on this post or another one) ..if I went across the street & did the same things for someone else & got paod then I would have a "job"!! It is so true just b/c SAHM's don't get paid doesn't mean it isn't a good job!!!
Oh & for the record I plan to be a SAHM whenever we do conceive one day , but I currently work full-time!

[awillis]

I never said I believe that what I state is right, I created this post to help women understand what men think and how they think. Men and women learn differently, we think differently, we react differently. If we look to our ancient ancestors, we can understand why we are the way we are:
Men were hunters... They stalked prey, had to stay focused on the one subject if they hoped to be successful, they had to remain quiet and observant, they had to learn to stay downwind. Those who were not good...simply died.
Women were gatherers... They worked in groups, they could see colors very clearly to help discern good items to pick and eat or that were medicinal. They talked often amongst themselves to deter prey that may be stalking them...safety in numbers.
Is it any wonder that today's man doesn't talk much? That he can only think about one thing at a time? That he learns be observing quietly? That they tend to appear aloof of things, the whole while taking it all in?

Please understand that this post is an exercise in helping you understand your man. You may hate what I have to say, but it's the truth. What I should have offered was that when your man comes home from work, give him an hour to unwind. Then have him give you an hour to unwind while he cares for the child and house. Parenting needs to be equal. But if you demand that your man take care of house and child the second he walks in the door, that is the absolute best way to cause tension in the home... tension and resentment build over time and you will find your man coming up with reasons to come home later and later... and need I say that if you can't change the feelings you may find yourself grouped with 59% of marriages failing in our nation.

I have worked professionally as a counselor and have helped families understand how to work toward a common goal and to find places to strengthen their marriages. The biggest thing is to share responsibilities equally (or at least equal perceptively). No one is saying that a man or woman's work is more important than the other, what I am saying is take some time to consider why their may be some strain with your man helping build the family.

There... I said my peace. Feel free to man bash more if you choose.

[mommy2b87]

But if you demand that your man take care of house and child the second he walks in the door, that is the absolute best way to cause tension in the home... tension and resentment build over time and you will find your man coming up with reasons to come home later and later... and need I say that if you can't change the feelings you may find yourself grouped with 59% of marriages failing in our nation.


Not all women DEMAND that their husband or fiancee or whatever take care of the house and child the second he walks in the door. Some of us actually ask nicely, because when we're nice, there's a better chance he'll want to help us. I've noticed that a lot of couples, who will probably be together for a very long time, have each others' backs by observing if their significant other is really stressed out, they just take charge, regardless of relaxation time or not.

[Abeldad]

I'm a stay-at-home Dad, and I have to say it is very hard to be the one at home. It's not just the housework - which is more boring than hard at our house. A lot of it is the lack of socializing during the day. The worker may be at a hard job with a long commute, but most of the time they have people there to share that experience with. I've had some pretty crap jobs, but I did them with people I enjoyed the company of.

It's even harder here as we have one car. Sometimes, I can drop my wife off at school/work, but sometimes it makes things too difficult for her as she might need it to get somewhere else (she's a vet student - has to get to the ranch!).

As a dad, I know that when I did work for a little bit, I would come home exhausted and want to sit down. Holding the baby didn't take much more effort. If watching your baby smile isn't relaxing, I must be unique. True, he is crying sometimes, but he generally cries much more quietly while being comforted.

[eldyahna]

We all learn from trial and error... My own husband made the mistake of one day telling me that our then 8 mo son crying all day wasn't a bad day. That was when I was a SAHM. I now work full time, and its shift work, so 2 weeks out of the month my husband has our son from the time he picks him up at daycare till they go to sleep, and all day on some weekends... He has now had his experience of a grumpy 20 mo who wants mommy and isn't being consoled by anything for longer than a couple minutes. I have been working swing shift this week which means I only see them for a few minutes when they get up in the morning and when they are asleep when I get home. Needless to say this upsets any little one, and my hubby has now had his own experience of what its like to have him cry all day and nothing makes him feel better and has said its a bad day... Now I have learned from experience that its ok to let him cry some as long as he's fed, watered, dry, clean and loved... I hate hearing him cry, and if it is in my ability to help him feel better than I will do so, but my hubby has proven (as well as my own research) sometimes babies just cry and all you can do is hold them and let them... though he says I hold him to much and I researched it and taught him that holding actually helps develop the brain. I also told him I would rather him get mad at me for holding him to much than not holding him enough. I would also he throw a tantrum for wanting a hug than throw a tantrum for wanting candy or something eelse along those lines. So, we compromise and teach each other all the time. It works no one knows everything about anything and one can always learn.

[mom1228]

I agree with most mom's on here. I'm not trying to hate on your post or bring you down. It's just a lot of men don't understand that staying home taking care of a baby is really hard work and its also 27/7/365. When your on an 8 hour shift don't you at least get a half hour lunch and a 15 minute break?. Well being a stay home mom we're up taking care of baby, baby goes to sleep we clean the house baby wakes up we feed and bathe baby, baby goes back to sleep we clean more we cook we clean again we have dinner ready for our husband the clean again we never get a break also if baby gets up in the middle of the night daddy don't get up cause he has to work the next morning. So I don't understand why a daddy needs to come home and wind down when a mommy never gets that chance, could you explain that to me please cause I'm dying to know and I've yet to hear it?

[daddy_in_nyc]

Why should men get to relax for an hour before tending to responsibilities? Do women? Do we get to allow ourselves an hour before we go to the screaming baby? No. When men start putting their kids ahead of their own needs/wants, then we'll show appreciation.

Do you actually deal with men like this? If you do, I am truly sorry.

Here are my needs/wants:

- Make money for the family
- Do MORE than a fair share of the household needs, including family QT.
- Have enough time from my job in a NASTY economy to see my son and my wife.
- Have sex sometime in the next <fill-the-time-period>

No golf, no "going out" in my list.

Maybe men need an hour because they have been tending to responsibilities for 10-12 hours straight. I have NO sympathy for deadbeats, but please don't put us all in the "bracket".

[dangfuller1]

I am a 32 year old stay at home dad. (laid off, that is) I love being around my daughter. She is 20 months old and I can't believe how fast she is advancing at this point. She learns new words daily and is always the star of the show at family functions. My mother lives on a lake (we live in MN) and we go fishing and go for boat rides quite often. She absolutely loves it. She helps me reel in the fish and starts laughing when the fish comes out all flopping and stuff.
I go to playgrounds with her and all of that stuff. We have a few friends with kids so thats cool, too. We can have play dates and people over to bbq and she loves it. She especially likes the ribs I smoke/ She walks around with a big ol rib and gnaws on it and says "spicy". I can't believe how much she likes spicy food. She even eats hot sauce.
So, to all the dads (or moms) out there, don't be afraid to try new things and involve your kids as much as possible. Step out of the comfort zone and just watch what happens. She has me playing "dress up" and I actually enjoy it!
This is the coolest thing I have ever done.....Just being Daddy.

ps. We have another little rugger due on Dec. 5. I CANT WAIT!!!!!!!!!!1

[H.Starr]

My husband is in the Army. He gets up at 4:30am, goes to PT where he runs three miles and does push ups and sit ups. Then he goes straight to work (oral surgery) and takes care of patients all day until 4:30pm. He gets home around 5, walks in, kisses me, kisses our son, takes off his boots, pees, washes his hands, and immediately grabs Roman and starts playing. Every day.
Why? Because I "make" him? Because I ask him to? No. I do neither.
Its because he is a wonderful husband and father who missed his family all day and wants nothing more than to relax and unwind WITH them.
In our opinion, loving your child should not be considered a responsibility. Its a luxury.
My husband is sore, tired, stressed, etc every single day. It doesn't make him want to shirk Daddy-duty. It makes him look forward to it even more. Because he enjoys it. As any good dad would.

[jazzymae]

i just do not understand at all, we work are butts off, changing diapers, feeding the baby breakfast, lunch, an dinner an also in between bottles in snakes (depending how old the baby is). Also we get up around the same time you are off going to work, and we go to bed about the same time too, so to me we are working the same hours, the only difference is i am at home an your not, your getting paid and i am not. Also do not forget when they are taking there naps, we are doing laundry, dishes also cooking for you, so when you get home you can have a nice meal, so there is your hour of unwinding. Also saying NO or STOP every 2 minutes because the baby wants to get into everything, yeah when you guys are here to haul the car seat in the car, or unfold the stroller, but since you are not because you are at work, we do, so what that says to me is that we are doing the manly stuff. i don’t understand why we have to give you baby steps, when we dived head first, yeah we did play with dolls, change baby clothes, when we was younger. But guess what, they did not move, talk, cry, eat nor sleep, better yet they did not have a pulse. we did not lay on our backs by ourselves, so it would be nice if the guys could help out with the baby they helped produced. Thank you, for going to work in earning money for our family, but i really do not think your job is any better then mines. This is a 24/7 job, what there jobs is approximately a 10 to12 hour a day job, then get to come home to us still working. Don’t forget we get up with the baby in the middle of the night, still at work. so no i will not give you baby steps, if i cant have any. to me your the one slacking, if you come home from work, and cant even help out with a simple, bath and bottle feed. They need to actually step it up.


i am not trying to be harsh, but this topic just upsets me, i just want to get my point across.

[jg7890]

I can tell you I never played with dolls when I was little. And I never changed a diaper until I had a son of my own. I stay home and my husband does construction. He counts my day as work. He can see the things I've done that day. When he gets home he spend sometime with our son. Then I watch our son while he goes and takes a shower. After that we spend time togeter. When he has to go out somewhere in the evening I watch the baby and he has always done the same for me. He never has doubted his own ability to parent and neither have I. We both ask eachother for advice sometimes. We both do our part and it works out well for us.

[Aquarius68]

The topic originator does not speak for all men. A stay at home mom already has a full time job. If both parents work, both parents need to share the chores. I enjoy cooking myself and actually would prefer to cook most of the time. Middle of the night wake up should be shared. It's a partnership and both parties need to agree on what each is going to do. I want to be involved in as much as I can of raising my child. The traditional "breadwinner" role of the male is out of date.

[H.Starr]

The traditional "breadwinner" role of the male is out of date.

Not necessarily.
That's how it is in our house. My husband doesn't want me to work. He says its his job as the man to provide for his family. Its my job as the wife and mom to take care of the house and everyone in it.
And we are both perfectly content with our "role."
The difference now though, is that each couple has its choice. The man doesn't HAVE to be the "breadwinner" by the "laws of society" anymore like what used to be. But the option is still there. Everyone has the ability to live the way the choose, and one person's way is no more right or wrong, or better than another's. Everyone can do what works for them, rather than what society says they SHOULD do.

[Aquarius68]

I didn't mean that the way it was interpreted. Read the two sentences that precede it and basically you have a recap of what you just said too :-)

[Dad-of-2]

as I've noticed from reading I'm not the only SAHD on here

AWillis's opinions are just that, HIS OPINIONS
sure, men are better at something, but women are better at other things - that's just biology but it doesn't mean that each can't excel at things usually relegated to the other gender

I have recently started a new small work from home business which means that now on top of maintaining our entire household 24/7, that I have paying customers who rely on me on occasion and expect deadlines to be met, but it's still my main priority to keep everything at home in tact and running smoothly.

If your man needs a full hour to unwind after work then tere are bigger issues in your relationship that who does the laundry. Around here, my wife gets about 10 minutes to decompress, if she feels she needs more time, she is welcomed to stop and wander around the grocery store and pick up a few things or go by Target and see if there's anything in the kids size on clearance that day.

Being a stay at home parent is the most rewarding and most thankless job on the planet. If you do it and your spouce complains let them know that you are taking a saturday off for yourself and see how they handle a full day without you. Then ask them how they would feel if they were putting in 98 hour work weeks (14 hours/7days)

My wife dreads the 2 weekends each year that I go away to the Nascar races and leave her with the kids, but gains greater appreciation for all I do when I come back home, but you know what, she takes the following Monday off to sleep before going back to work again. Talk about irony!!

[NaomiK]

OK, let me start by saying that I do not intend to offend anyone but these are my opinions in response to yours:

I agree that boys are discouraged with playing with dolls, but I dont think its right (not that you do either Im just saying). So if men think that we should be the ones taking charge of the childcare because we played house, then should we expect all of our men to be nascar drivers and soldiers? While most nascar and soldiers are men, that doesnt mean that we should expect OUR men to be those things because they played with those toys growing up.

And what doesnt make sense to you, you pass off to someone else? Why? Why dont you find out more so it does make sense? I wish it were that easy for us. I wish when my daughter cried for 4 hours straight every single night for 3 months that I could have passed her off to him because I didnt understand why she was crying.

1. I do not think that he is storing what I am telling him. If he was then why does he get frustrated when I give him little pointers? Why cant he do it himself when I walk out of the room? It is not rocket science, its changing a diaper for crying out loud.

2. Ask you to help in small ways? Why shouldnt we expect that you can take over? If you had done the research that we did when we were pregnant, if you had read the books, talked to other parents, read articles online, went to classes etc, than you know as much as we do. You should have prepared yourself better from bringing a human being into this world.

3. You need to get accustomed to holding the baby...I do agree with that but i dont agree that you should only have to carry the baby from here to there. What about when I carried the baby for 9 months (lets not talk about everything that goes along with pregnancy and the labor). Did I get to take baby steps? Did you praise me lugging that thing around or pushing it out of me?

Relaxing after work is a load of crap. You can relax when the baby goes to bed. That is when I get to relax. And my husband is like heathers. He is great. He comes home and changes his clothes etc and goes right to cooking or playing with our daughter. Many of the things I talked about above are not my husband at all. For example, he praised the hell out of me when I was pregnant and after giving birth. But I praise him all the time for putting up with me and being a great dad. So while I agree with alot that you are saying (agree that it is true, not that it is ok), keep us in mind too. Oh and by the way, we shouldnt have to "convince" him to help us. He should want to.

The thing that hurts me the most about threads like this, is men are expected to be ignorant when it comes to kids. And they arent. And women are expected to "let him take it easy and get adjusted" "maybe he needs some time to understand the pregnancy" or "give let him take baby steps" etc. Its all a bunch of bs. Women dont get to take baby steps. Why should men? Its just not fair.

[trevorr77]

i just do not understand at all, we work are butts off, changing diapers, feeding the baby breakfast, lunch, an dinner an also in between bottles in snakes (depending how old the baby is). Also we get up around the same time you are off going to work, and we go to bed about the same time too, so to me we are working the same hours, the only difference is i am at home an your not, your getting paid and i am not. Also do not forget when they are taking there naps, we are doing laundry, dishes also cooking for you, so when you get home you can have a nice meal, so there is your hour of unwinding. Also saying NO or STOP every 2 minutes because the baby wants to get into everything, yeah when you guys are here to haul the car seat in the car, or unfold the stroller, but since you are not because you are at work, we do, so what that says to me is that we are doing the manly stuff. i don’t understand why we have to give you baby steps, when we dived head first, yeah we did play with dolls, change baby clothes, when we was younger. But guess what, they did not move, talk, cry, eat nor sleep, better yet they did not have a pulse. we did not lay on our backs by ourselves, so it would be nice if the guys could help out with the baby they helped produced. Thank you, for going to work in earning money for our family, but i really do not think your job is any better then mines. This is a 24/7 job, what there jobs is approximately a 10 to12 hour a day job, then get to come home to us still working. Don’t forget we get up with the baby in the middle of the night, still at work. so no i will not give you baby steps, if i cant have any. to me your the one slacking, if you come home from work, and cant even help out with a simple, bath and bottle feed. They need to actually step it up.


i am not trying to be harsh, but this topic just upsets me, i just want to get my point across.

This kind of response upsets me. It draws on an assumption that the men are not involved in the 24/7 aspect of having children. Maybe that is how it is in your marriage and that would explain your bitterness, but that is not how most are these days. When I am not at work, I spend at much, if not MORE time than my wife does with our daughter. She does get up more often at night but I also give up EVERY weekend morning so she can sleep in. At times I struggle with that but I know she gives up time at night when the baby gets up. Its about teamwork...its not about yelling at each other about who's role is more important. Its about working together, establishing your roles and where you will share roles.

[angiem8705]

This original post made me chuckle a bit and also made me APPRICIATE my husband! I knew that my DH didn't have prior baby experience like i did growing up so when i was pg i made him practice feeding and diapering on teddy bears. he felt like a dumba$$ i am sure but we made it fun and i bribed him with video game time.
DH is now the primary care giver for our DD. We both work fulltime but i work odd hours so he ends up home with her more than me and he does such a great job. I have come to learn that when a new stage approaches i need to teach him about it but once he KNOW WHAT TO DO and is COMFORTABLE with it he can take the reins and go, but some of the baby stuff just doesn't come natural to him and that is totally OK with me.

[racheljoyroberts]

After having read through the majority of responses regarding the work a SAHM does versus a working Dad, I wanted to post my two cents.

Being a stay at home mother is, in my opinion the highest honor and position in the world. To be the primary person to teach and watch your child develop and grow is a priceless thing.

I GET to be the primary care giver for our son. I know the importance and value of my role and won't be disgruntled by it.

If my husband wants to kick up his feet after working his usual 12 hour night shift, I will be the last person to give him a difficult time for doing so.

I have learned (the hard way!), that playing the blame game or comparing hardships between you and your spouse will really get NOTHING accomplished. If you both VALUE your role and contributions to the family, you won't feel the need to compare who works harder than the other, or who gets more sleep, and so on.

Working a full time job and earning an income for a family is not an easy task now-a-days. If you feel like your husband doesn't value what you do around the home, ask yourself this (moms)... do you value what HE does?

He's the one paying your rent, buying your groceries and paying for your clothes for goodness sake!!!

Give the guys a break!!!!

[NaomiK]

Racheljoyroberts: I am not disagreeing with you post by any means. I want to point out though, I am not a SAHM. I work full time and go to school part time. I agree that both partners need to be appreciated as they both have cruitial roles. My post was simply stating that I disagreed with alot of what the OP said. Sure, let him relax when he gets home, but what about the working moms? Shouldnt I get to relax when I come home? Granted, I have a wonderful husband who would let me relax if I wanted to, but I dont because I have to much to do. Not everyone has a husband like mine though.
The thing I disagreed with most is that we shouldnt expect much from our men as far as parenting goes. That is what upset me. We should let them take baby steps. I think that is a bunch of bs.

[H.Starr]

Rachel, I understand what you're saying. However. My husband is in the Army, and he's in college full time. Yet he still finds plenty of time to play with our son, give him baths, sometimes feed him dinner, etc.
I don't MAKE him. He WANTS to.
Because that's what a good parent is. He CHOOSES to be as involved in our son's life as he possibly can. Regardless of how bad his day was or how tired/sore he is, etc. He makes time in his day to work full time, go to college full time, and still be a loving and involved husband and father.
We both value eachother greatly. We both know that the other is working hard to make their end of the deal run smoothly. He always comes home to a clean house, he always has a hot dinner, his clothes are always washed dried and folded. And I know that every 1st and 15th there will be money in the bank. Neither one of us could do this without the other.
But just because you have one role and not the other, doesn't mean you get to skip out on the parenting part. We were both there when he was conceived, we both had equal parts then, we both have equal parts now. Whether you are a working parent or a stay at home parent, you're still a parent. Period.

[racheljoyroberts]

NaomiK: I was speaking strictly from a SAHM's perspective. I understand that working mothers play a completely different ball-game, and I respect that. In regards to your comment "The thing I disagreed with most is that we shouldnt expect much from our men as far as parenting goes"; I don't know if you thought I was the one making that point, or if you got that impression from the other responses in this thread and you were just making a point about it. I by no means think that men shouldn't be expected to play their parental role. Goodness knows that my husband is a fantastic father in every way. He has no squabbles with getting down on the floor, wrestling with our son, taking him for walks, feeding him snacks, putting him to bed, etc etc.

H.Starr: I think you got the impression that my husband doesn't like being involved in our family life. If that's what you got from my post, you misunderstood. (refer to my comments above). My initial comments were that of strictly how I view a family functions best with a SAHM and working dad, which clearly is exactly how you view it based on your response. I don't disagree with anything you said, so I'm not really sure why you felt the need to insinuate my husband is uninvolved in parenting based on the fact that he likes to relax from time to time. Just cuz he gets to kick his feet up every once in awhile doesn't mean that I am the exclusive parent by any stretch of the imagination. He lets me get out of the house and do whatever I please, too!

PS My husband is active duty military as well and recently returned from a deployment in the mid east.

[H.Starr]

I'm glad he made it home safe. Air Force deployments are still 3-6 months, right? I know they were, but I don't know if it changed.
My husband was deployed to Baghdad from 2005-2007.

[racheljoyroberts]

I'm glad he made it home safe. Air Force deployments are still 3-6 months, right? I know they were, but I don't know if it changed.
My husband was deployed to Baghdad from 2005-2007.

The average AF deployment is 6 - 8 months. My husband was called out at the last minute so they only kept him for 4 months, thankfully.

[H.Starr]

Ah, that's wonderful! Ours are 15 months. I'm jealous!
Anyway, I'm glad he's home. Hopefully for good!

[melnikn]

H.starr. you seem very intelligent. can i ask how old you are?

[H.Starr]

Thank you, I am. :)
And I'm 23.

[lc1989]

Well I'm proud to say my man falls in that 2% ya'll was talking about! He works 11 hours during the day...then as soon as he gets home I'm out the door to go to college...and he stays with our baby for like 4 hours! Then when I get home I take the baby to sleep and then he gets his wind down time. and some times I do take that for granted...meaning on weekends when he gets to sleep late I some times Hey mad because I'm always the one up early with the baby and to sleep late with him! But now knowing it could be worst and that I have it better than most out there.... I think I'll give him his late morning weekends! Thank u for the insight in side mena heads! Its true because with the economy falling and him the only one pulling in money he does have a lot on his plate maybe more than what he can eat! Lol! But he is a great father none the less and that's what makes a good man!!

[NaomiK]

Rachel - My comment was not so much in response to your post, more just to make a point. I got from the OP that is what he feels, and I disagree. Sorry If I made it seem like it was directed to you. I am also glad to hear your husband is home safe :)