how to deal with family ?

[ncarter]

hi, we will have our sons 1st b-day party next month. Daddys family is very nice to everyone. I should be happy that my aunt and uncle are coming. Cause rest of my family has nothing to do with me and my mom disowned me cause i fell in love and got pregnant. I was 26 he 27 years old. My aunt is cheap she thinks i should not spend money. or only at goodwill or garage sales. His family got a lot of gifts for are son and all newfor christmas. My aunt came down later on and looked at stuff she says well im happy that someone is rich and has money. No his family was not here. But im worried she will say that at party. We also doing his theme for party the movie cars. She will be mad about us spending money on junk. She thinks im fat cause before got pregnant only 100 pounds i have not lost baby weight yet im at 135 and my doc says im fine.This summer it will come off from walking. She calls her own grand kids fat. They only 6 and 7 years old. They not fat. She says grand kids not smart cause a little slow and hyper. The little boy gets in fights. I hope she dont think my baby not smart to. We clean our place like crazy before they come. Cause she says her own daugter lives like white trash. Its not that bad. For christmas his family gave us a hard time about getting married and having more babies. His mom wants that. We will get married some day and more kids if birth control dont work. I would like more but very hard on me. My aunt would be like better not. Any advice. She will go home and e mail everyone about party.

[kelly23]

Did your mom disown you because you weren't married? At least you were 26 not 16 or something. I don't get why families have to do all this stupid crap. Tell your aunt you can spend money at a normal store, but you know not to go overboard. We also did Cars for my son's first birthday. A word of advice, if you do the smash cake, which is a lot of fun, try to get some light colored icing because the kid will be stained for a few days! My son looked like Heath Ledger in the Dark Knight! If she calls you fat, I would tell her to watch her mouth. I feel bad for those kids. Stuff like that is how eating disorders start. I think you just need to focus on having fun and try not to worry about what she is going to do. If she is going to email everyone you can't really do anything about it. You said you don't talk to your family, so just don't stress about it. Tell her that she does not get to decide if you will get married and have more kids, that is you and your man's decision. Say, well we will make that decision when the time comes.

[ncarter]

Very cute pictures. thank you for the advice. No my mom did not disown me cause not married. My mom has a lot of problems she was still acting like i was going to be her child forever. I could not date or do any thing that my age should be out doing. Never got to go to concerts or even learn to drive. Bad thing is i had very bad headaches i think i was depressed cause she yelled at me alot and put me down. So its for the best she not around. And no headaches and im happy with my life now.

[kare.bear]

I recommend telling your aunt that you are working on positive messages around your child. If she cannot say anything positive, then she can just keep her mouth shut! :) She may be e-mailing everyone else details about the party, but if she is as negative as you say, everyone on the receiving end of the e-mail will most likely take her report with a grain of salt.

[ncarter]

Hi, Thank you soo much for the advice !

[Grandma Shelley]

It sounds like auntie is toxic. Is she your mother's sister by chance. If so, perhaps they are following the parenting and family skills they experienced as children. Family dysfunction can last for generations unless someone decides to make a change.

I am glad you recognize the harm that your mother did to you and that your aunt continues to do. You have the power to change the cycle within our own little family. I'm glad you have found happiness. You have every right to protect yourself and your children from toxic people and family dysfunction.

There is no reason auntie even needs to be invited even if she is family. If the invitation has already been made you might just have to grin and bear it this time but prepare your remarks ahead of time to put politely put her in her place. If she behaves badly I would follow up with a note sharing your feelings and let her know it no uncertain terms that further invitation will depend on her behavior.

Congratulations on the first birthday. Have fun!

Grandma Shelley
www.grandmasmoderndaytrunkoftreasures.blogspot.com

[addies_mom22]

i'm nnot in the same situation-my family loves our dd and (in theory anyway) they care about us. But i do have an aunt who's kind of crazy and controlling like that, she expects to be able to treat you like crap while you just sit there and take, then you're supposed to say thank you. yeah right. We used to send our daughter to her house. She tried giving my daughter a spoonful of whipped cream when she was just four months old (just before she'd been introduced to anything other than formula, actually) and was offended when i batted the spoon away from my dd's mouth. After that, i didn't send my dd there anymore. There's no reason for you to have your aunt in your child's life, or yours, if she doesn't treat you right.

[redmohawk]

Family or not, you don't need that kind of negativity around your son.

[ZEPHYRVI]

Indeed, that isn't ok. Don't let her make you feel bad for how you choose to live and raise your child,
If you want to spend money on a b-day party then do so and don't feel bad about it, I would consider
Limiting her time with your son, that kind of behavior can be harmful to anyone, but especially small
Children.