I'm Pregnant! I just want some help

[charisse_hlmn]

Hi, I'm 31 weeks pregnant with my husband and I's first child. I'm very independant and can do a lot of things on my own. I still work a full time job as a waitress from 830-500, but my energy has dropped with every pound I gain. I've been asking my husband to help around the house NOW, so he's prepared before the baby comes...but it just seems like he refuses to help. So I come home from a 9 hour day and find my once clean house a PIG STY. His uniform tossed on the floor along with his military boots *which I constantly trip over*, dishes and opened containers of food lying around...and where is my husband? yupp you guessed it, in the living room, on the couch watching T.V, resting from his 4 HOUR work day. Might I also add that I am NESTING, so I go bonkers...but I only yell and strangle him in my head. I ususally go in our room (which is also a mess) get into something comfortable and breathe. I tell myself I am a woman, I can control myself and go back outside and pick up things AROUND him. Think maybe he might get the hint and help...NOPE, he as the nerve to ask "whats for dinner?"... I know it sounds like a horriable scene from a "poor pregnant woman" movie from Lifetime but its real. I just don't know how else I can ask for help? During the weekends he's trashing our house with his friends, while I'm at work. I hate yelling because I worry about the baby, but I don't know how else to get through to him... I've tried the "not picking things up and maybe he'll do it" thing but all I get is

"Hey we should REALLY clean the house this weekend, its filthy."

I've asked God for help, and it seems even the almighty one can't get through to my stubborn ass of a husband.

any suggestions?

[ra11en]

Hehehehe - I've posted about this before but to get my husband to finally listen to me I went on strike. Seriously. My husband, and probably most other men, don't care if their house is messy as long as they don't have to clean it. They don't mind making insensitive remarks about a dirty house, but heaven forbid they lift a finger without being told!

Regardless. I had tried everything - talking, asking, begging, crying, yelling, nagging, you name it. Like you, it started while I was pregnant. I was on total bedrest for the last 6 1/2 months of our pregnancy, so I was going bonkers with his version of cleaning by the time we had the baby. After she came home, I got SOOOOOO overwhelmed by doing everything baby AND house by myself. So, when she was about 3 months old I informed my husband that I was on strike. Like I said, I had tried everything. It was like talking to a brick wall and nothing ever changed! So, I would continue to do what needed to be done for myself and the baby, but not for him. I still did most of the cleaning but I did it for myself and baby only. The hardest thing on him was the laundry. I quit doing his laundry completely. And all his dirty clothes that he left laying around got dumped on his side of the bed so he had to step over a pile every night. I didn't pack his lunches, serve his dinner plate, offer a cup of fresh coffee, absolutely nothing. And I certainly didn't find time for him in the bedroom. When he complained shortly after the strike started, I calmly told him "I've been telling you I'm overwhelmed and need you to get in gear but you haven't listened. So, I'm lightening my load. Unfortunately for you, the only things I can lighten off my plate are things I do for you. Oh well!" He lasted a week, it was pathetic.

We still have moments where I am pulling my hair out while he is watching tv in the recliner, but he is MUCH more inclined to listen to me before it reaches the breaking point.

Find a way to communicate with him, even if he doesn't want to listen. We are not servants and maids, and as mothers (and even soon to be mothers) we deserve nothing but respect and appreciation for what we do for our families and the dedication it takes to be a good wife and mother. You have every right to stand up for yourself, don't let him convince you otherwise! I have also told my husband when he starts to complain about having to give up free time for house chores that at least single mothers get every other weekend off, he doesn't allow me anytime off unless I fight for it. Total joke, and I know being a single mom isn't a bed of roses, but it shuts him up.

[fuzzy]

I have learned that expecting them to these things on their own is asking for a miracle cause like ra11en said men just don't care if the house is clean or not! I have learned that if you want them to do things you have to ask! My fiancee told me that he just doesn't get silent clues,he said you have to be direct! So now instead of asking him to do things,I tell him what I want help with. We made a plan that after supper during the week whatever I wanted to do that day that I didn't have the chance to get to he helps me before he goes to "man land".We have also do alot of the big chores on Saturday mornings before we do anything,which really works out! I tell him that having a clean house is important to me and he needs to respect that and the fact that I'm raising our son keeps me from being able to do everything! So he needs to help and when two tackle it: It goes so much faster!Good luck

[bkmev]

If he is disciplined enough to be in the service, then he needs to learn to snap to at home also. Do you think his CO would put up with a pig sty!

Remind him you are his wife, not his mother!

marriage is a 50/50 deal. Not you doing 75 to 80 while he sits on his duff.

If he really loves you he will start working with you not against you. Sometimes it is that fact that he never had to do for himself. If he left home and went right into the service, maybe his Mom did everything for him. Independant skills are not automatic. Unfortunately for you sounds like you have to retrain him yourself.

If he doesn't start prior to the birth, your load will only be doubled. You have to get things worked out quick. Maybe you could sit down a list all the things that need to be done at home. Make a check list of what each is willing to do. Then the others, you have to work on. There are those everyday things noone likes, like dishes and laundry.

He should at least be respectful enough to throw out the empties and pickup his own crap. Just being a slob is not acceptable at any level. Babies need a clean home to be safe. They do not know what they can put n their mouth and what to stay away from.

If he totally does not care, may be time to do some real soul searching.

[Mommy2Be!]

I totally agree with bkmev....if your husband can be in the service he should be capable of picking up after himself. I think there is a lack of COMMUNICATION and you should really sit down and talk about what it is you expect from each other, including house hold chores. He needs to help you, especially right now. I had to have a talk with my husband and we agreed to split the chores. Works out great and you know what to expect from each other. I know things will change from time to time, but at least he knows what he needs to be doing. If he doesn't like that idea...then you might need to rethink things. You can only go so long with the "I'll just do everything myself just so it's done attitude" becuase you will wear yourself into the ground. It will not be healthy for you or the baby. I get that way sometimes and it does make it hard, especially when we are expecting. Wasn't so bad when I wasn't pregnant and was feeling up to moving more! Best of luck with everything.

[mamaof3]

My husband likes it if I write him a list of the things that I want done around the house. If I just tell him what I want I think it is too overwhelming. He actually needs to see it. I have a book called Men Are Like Waffles And Women Are Like Spaghetti. Anyway it talks about how men like to focus on one thing at a time, like each square in a waffle. While us women tend to throw everything together like spaghetti and then we run around trying to get it all done. I do hope that things get better for you. Good luck!