View Full Version : Mad at Dad!
Jessica at Parenting.com
12-22-2008, 12:34 PM
I think you'll all enjoy this recent article at Parenting:
Mad at Dad (http://www.parenting.com/article/Mom/Relationships/Mad-at-Dad)
We love our husbands -- so why are we so angry at them, so often?
From the story:
"These are the kinds of things we see parodied on TV sitcoms, where bumbling husbands get laughs for feeding the kids frosting sandwiches and sending them to school in scuba gear. These are the kinds of things we moan and groan about when we get together with our other mom friends, often playing our irritations for laughs. Honestly, though, it's not that funny. None of us signed up to live in a sitcom."
Reply to this message to share your Mad at Dad story!
(and check out Mommy2Beans' recent rant (http://forums.parenting.com/showthread.php?t=4547)!)
12-29-2008, 04:34 PM
First let me explain that this often is a two-way street and dad's are also angry at their spouses at times. The reason is because we simply don't have a better outlet for everything that goes wrong and all the other frustrations during the day. That said, our spouses, regardless of the gender, are the easy and safe outlet.
01-08-2009, 01:52 PM
This article was great! It actually brought tears to my eyes. I know I'm not alone...but to see some my exact feelings on the page.....allowed me to let go of some of the anger...some of it.
My husband and I have been together for nearly 12 yrs (married for 2). We have a 2 1/2 yr old boy and a 14 1/2 mos old girl.
I am SO angry. SO SO angry! all the time.
This article helped me see that it isn't my husband being blatantly irresponsible...but that he just doesn't get it!
I'm not a confronter...I'd rather just do it myself than risk sparking an argument. i've always been that way. Its not healthy...I know...but its worked. Until we had our children.
We talk all the time about his work. How his co-workers never have any initiative and that he has to do everything for them. I just say..."wow. I know exactly what you are talking about" and he doesn't catch on. He thinks I'm talking about when I was in the working world. Ha!
Even when we talk to other couples and parents...he basks in the fact that we are a 50-50 household. Huh...I wonder how he'd define 50-50..and if it would really add up.
this past month and a half he's been laid off. You'd think that he'd automatically step up and help with the mountain of things to do around the house...well you'd be wrong. In contrast, he looks at me like I'm crazy for working so hard. "why are you doing that? or do you need to do that right now?" all while his feet are up and he's relaxing on the couch and zoning in and out of his second nap of the day...."ahh...yah...I do...who else will do it?"...the kids?! ...cause its surely not you.
The article also helped me see that I do need to deal with this. He needs to know how angry I am at the situation we've created. And how essential it is that we see and respect each others needs. WE need to find balance. We just need to.
Thanks for a great article. I really needed it!
01-08-2009, 10:48 PM
Let me just say the grass is not greener on the other side. My husband is great about helping around the house - he cooks about 60% of the time, does the dishes, helps with laundry, etc... but he actually pays too much attention to the kids. I have 3 kids - he is their step dad but he worries about the most annoying little things and he yells way too much. If I dare to say anything when it bothers me then he gets mad at me - he thinks that because his two daughters are older he knows more about parenting then I do. Many times I have already told the kids they can do something and then he comes along and jumps all over them about it without even asking or he yells at them for doing something that they weren't even doing. The other thing that makes me mad is that he goes on and on about the same thing - I'm sure my kids are only hearing Blah, blah, blah. I do understand some of it because all three of them can be quite a handful and they are very independant so they like to just do what they want to but it would be so much more peaceful if he would learn to let some of the little stuff go.
01-11-2009, 09:02 AM
This article couldn't have come at a better time! I am battling the demons in my head everyday. I am a stay at home mom and feel guilty for how mad I am all the time. For that same reason I usually don't say anything to my husband because he always says something about me not having a job. I nag him all the time about needing a break and he just says "I chose this!" I don't get to sleep in! I don't get a weekend off! He even thinks that when me and the kids go to see my family it's a vacation. Can you believe that?! It's a real vacation taking kids to a house that isn't baby proof and is a new environment so they sleep less and throw more tantrums. I am so happy to hear that so many other women feel the same way. Thanks for listening to me vent!
01-13-2009, 01:26 PM
I have one eleven month old and another one on the way. I get to stay at home all day trying to deal with my son who has just recently started the tantrums whenever i leave a room. My husband works all day, six days a week but when he comes home he usually just goes to bed or plays a video game. On his days off we usually go over and visit for some friends. Even then I take care of our son while fighting the ever growing fatigue of carrying our second child. The other day he even had the nerve to ask why our son gets mad when i walk away but could care less if he is in the room or not... After one really difficult day i was short on patience he picked up all the slack of parenting. When we talked about it later i snapped and yelled at him saying things like 'its easy to be parent of the year when you only do it for a day'. I felt terrible for saying to for days.
01-13-2009, 02:47 PM
This article really hit home for me. Thank you for this article. As my husband is a great help often times, lately we rarely see eye-to-eye. We have been married 3.5 years of the 10 years that we've been together. We have a 2 year old son the we both love dearly. I've noticed that the root of many, but not all, of our frustrations with each other is revolves around our different views of parenting. Yes, we discussed many our many parenting approaches and other topics prior to having our son, but once a child is here, life is really dfferent and our responses and actions are slightly different than how we originally thought we would respond.
I'm more of the stern, no-nonsense disaplinary parent and he's much more of the softy, give in parent. It angers me so much when we discuss an approach, we agree and then he immediately goes against what we agreed upon. It's like he just doesn't get it! This theme, "He just doesn't get it," resignates to so many other areas as well.
It was just last night that we tried to talk about our frustrations. Yes, he's frustrated too. Husbands also get frustrated. So, the article that I read ths morning really helped me realize that we are not alone. I think the next follow-up article should be, "Self-help for MadatDad moms." Pleeeeeeaaaassse!
01-13-2009, 02:54 PM
I have a 1 yr old and my husband actually does alot around the house. But sometimes I get the feeling like he thinks I owe him something because he made dinner. Know what I mean? Not sexual, but if I come home after working 9.5 hrs and going to school for 2 hrs (not to mention Im still mommy when I get home, still do laundry, clean, cook, bath, playtime, read books, all of it) and I tell him Im tired he just looks at me like yeah right. WTF? When Im not in school its me doing most of the childcare anyway! And then when he realizes that Its not easy for me he tells me, I dont know how you do it. Like when I started working a second job and he was home with her all day when she was teething, he sent me a message "She is driving me crazy, I dont know how you do it". Finally! He gets it! Then when she was going through a phase when oiur daughter only wanted me, and she would cry when I left the room, he would get frustrated and upset because she never wanted him. I would tell him "Try being on the other side when you cant even pee in peace!"
But all in all he is a great dad, he loves both of us very much. And sometimes he even gives me a day where he does almost everything and I can just chill and spend time with my daughter.
01-14-2009, 11:03 AM
My wife and I recently recieved the issue with this article, and I was taken aback by it. It seems to paint the picture that all dads are clueless, with no idea how to take care of a child. My wife recently went back to work, and I feel privledged to be able to stay at home with my daughter while i finish school. I usually do the cooking, and the dishes, laundry, naps, baths, ect. Yes, I do become frustrated with my wife when she comes home, promises to do whatever, and then doesn't follow through. But this article infuriated me even more. Maybe it's because I'm with my daughter all day, and she's working, or she comes home and she's tired. I get that. But, PARENTING, please do not think for one second that all we dad's try to get away with not taking care of our children. This article has left me extremely disappointed with this publication and its editors.
01-15-2009, 01:42 AM
To the Dad above, I think it's awesome that you have stepped up and really do take care of your child. The article obviously doesn't apply to you so just disregard it. It DOES apply to MANY women out there however. I have a 17 month old, I work one day a week and I am in college full-time (but I only go two days a week). I still consider myself a stay-at-home mom because I am with my daughter the majority of the time. My husband actually says things like "life isn't fair" and "it's your job, you knew it would be like this" when we discuss him not doing anything to help out. He wants to be rewarded anytime (and it's a rare occasion) that he changes a diaper. I do all of the cleaning around the house and I cook every meal. I am the one that spends time playing with her all day and then at night when he comes home I'm still the one spending time interacting with her. He's too busy napping or buried in the news to do anything. After 17 months, he has only gotten up with her in the middle of the night TWICE. He's never given her a bath, given her medicine, taken her to the doctors, packed her diaper bag, nothing! What makes me so ANGRY is that this is not the person who I met. None of this was indicated to me before we had her. Before we had our daughter, he would cook and clean and now he actually says that he doesn't know how to boil a hot dog.
Oh and I totally agree with the person about the "vacation". This past Christmas we made a 16 hour drive to his parents and he still didn't do anything to help.He just slept in and did what he pleased. I kept thinking, ya know, she still needs to eat, have her diaper changed, play, bathe, and sleep like any other day and he wants to tell me to relax on our "vacation". If I even ask him to wake up with her in the morning he will either complain, roll his eyes, or tell me that he isn't able to wake up to the monitor.
I'm mad because I stop and think why am I doing this to myself? I told him that I need to make a reward chart for HIM. Like if he changes a diaper or puts away the dishes he gets a sticker. This is so crazy! It truly is like having a "hairy man-child".
He always says to me "Why don't you take a break?" Well, because nothing would ever get done! And OK, so he does say that he'll never be as good of a father as I am a mother. Well, you gotta strive for something! And the fact that he gets to come and go whenever and wherever he likes without even a thought of helping me, REALLY makes me mad. And the whole 50-50 thing? I'd be happy with 90-10! I just want him to see that I am working myself into the ground for our family and I just need a partner who gets that I NEED some help. I can't imagine what being a single mom is like, but I feel like a single mom in this relationship and that really hurts.
01-15-2009, 09:18 AM
Ok to CGdad: I understand that there are many men out there that are great dads and husbands and everything else. My husband is great too. AND he is an awesome Dad. He does help around the house. To me this article is a place for us women to vent. Not everybody has a husband/boyfriend whatever that is as helpful as mine. Just read the post previous to mine. You help alot, we see that, but many many many men do not. Just a place to vent. Just like so many men out there complain to their buddies how we nag them to much.
01-15-2009, 01:49 PM
Yea I must add that I really do love my hubby. I just don't understand him. When we met he would say all of that "It's my duty to take care of you" and he would always be right there for me to help out. I do admit that as our daughter has gotten older and can actually do more things he does play with her. In the beginning, he says he just couldn't sit still for that long and hold her but now that she's running it's not as bad. :)
01-15-2009, 05:17 PM
I have to say that as I read this article all I could do from skipping ahead to the next article was like the insane need to gawk at a train wreck or the fender bender on the other side of the street. As a stay at home dad I could certainly understand many of the reasons these moms were mad at the dads. Since I've stayed home, life, though a bit boring at times, has been pretty easy. I've assumed the cooking, cleaning, kid's transportation, grocery shopping roles that many of the mad mom's in the article have....I also continue to do the yard work (of course, only so much can be done at a time due to playing hoops with my son or chalk art with my daughter, but it all gets done with help from the kids). I also feel like this is the easiest most fun job I've ever had. Heck, it's not a job, I just get to be a parent and a husband and not have to work. Sounds like a good deal to me. Of course, I'm lucky that my wife was always the bread winner in the family and we could finally afford for only one of us to work. Of course, when my wife would get home and start reading the paper, I would give her the evil eye thinking you better spend some time with the kiddos, lady! Instead of yelling at her or telling her to spend time with them, I merely reminded her that when she's done unwinding, her kids would surely love to hang out with her. I realize that not all Dad's are going to be the best Dad's in the world, but sometimes spouse to spouse communication works. Of course, teaching an old dog new tricks is the hardest thing to do. I've always seen my wife reading this magazine and when I saw the mad at your man article I had to read it! Hang in there mad moms, some of that stay at home mom stress is home made. Talk to the dad's how you feel. If you're home with a preschooler, either involve them in what your doing (i.e. cleaning/cooking) or have them work on becoming independent with age appropriate activities. Don't forget to enrich them with trips to the library, park, museum, or even grocery shopping. I'm not preaching to anyone, but I say make the most out of being home...it sure beats working in an office. I do miss teaching a classroom full of kids (oops forgot to mention I'm a certified teacher) but home with my daughther is priceless.
01-15-2009, 07:58 PM
I loved this article. Loved loved loved it. I thought I was the only one who was bothered by a lot of the nit-picky stuff. Now I know I'm not insane.
My husband is actually doing very well - now. We had a long talk about a year ago, when I was 8 mos pregnant and was vacuuming AROUND him while he was sitting there playing Xbox. The same year, my Christmas gift was a set of coupons he made - "Good for one afternoon of watching the kids while you run errands." Umm, no - that's your job as a parent. He also had his list of "chores," and when those were done, he was off to play games - anything that was on the "us" list (like babyproofing, cleaning out the yard) somehow fell into my lap. I had had enough. I started making notes on the things that bothered me (soooo many mentioned in the article) and wrote him a 10 page letter. It was not written in anger, had no accusations, just a composed list of things that bothered me and how I think we (yes, we) could be better parents. By writing a letter, he had no choice but to "listen." I told him to take his time with it, read it whenever he wants, and he can write me back or talk. We talked afterwards and he said he was embarrassed by the things I mentioned and that he wanted to be a better husband and father. A year has passed now and he's very much upheld his end. It also probably helped that I hid his Xbox controllers for 6 months.
Of course, there will always be little things (hubby was walking down the hall and stops by a nickel-size chunk of dirt on the floor, bends over, determines it's not a bug, and then STEPS OVER IT. I asked him about it - yes, it truly never occurred to him to actually pick it up OFF the floor and throw it out). I've accepted that I will do the majority of the kid stuff like appointments and what-not (yes, it's more work, but it also assures me that they get done correctly). But at least now I'm getting a lot more help and don't feel like I run things and he just lives here.
01-16-2009, 09:38 AM
I was both happy and angrier than ever to read this article. On one hand I am not alone in my feelings but on the other hand why do guys always get a free pass at being clueless? Why are we always the ones who have to change our behavior and they get to cling to the "that's just the way they're wired" excuse?
Anyway, I'm angry about the same issues in the article: no break, a huff when you ask to take a shower, a husband who zones out in front of the computer or the TV, a husband who thinks loading the dishwasher is cleaning the kitchen, a complete inability to multitask.
When I was on maternity leave we were in the middle of remodeling and during my daughter's naps I would tape drywall or paint or whatever just to get the house livable. On days when I was too tired and all I did was clean the house, feed our baby and keep her alive I would get the comment...have a down day? And he won't ever do anything without being told which makes me angry, too. Like our daughter needs to be fed and dressed before daycare every morning. This has been going on for 4 months. Yet when I get out of the shower do you think he has EVER had her dressed? Maybe fed but only if she was fussing. It's like WE DO THIS EVERY DAY WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP TELLING YOU WHAT TO DO CATCH ON ALREADY!! CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT IT WOULD SAVE TIME IF YOU DID ANYTHING!! It is so irritating.
I haven't been married long but it sure isn't what I expected. I love caring for my daughter who is helpless and I don't mind doing everything myself when my husband is travelling but having to take care of an adult 36 year old man is intolerable. I'm not his mother and cut the cord already you can feed yourself. I thought I was agreeing to a partnership.
Then I have these friends who's husbands help them with their baby and get up at night with the baby and I'm so sick of those stories because I'm here thinking why does my husband suck? But now I wonder, maybe those freinds aren't telling the truth. The statistics in the article were pretty high. Anyway, short story long, I was happy to hear that others feel the same way I do even if it means so many of us are miserable.
01-16-2009, 10:08 AM
... these are my worst fears! I hope thats not what I'm in for!
01-16-2009, 11:33 AM
This one hit so close to home I am considering making my husband read it. We have boy/girls twins that are almost 3 and a 6 month old boy. This is my day. I get up at 5:30am get ready for work and all the kids stuff together to go to the sitter. Then I take them to the sitter, go to work for 8 1/2 hours, pick up the kids, go home (or to bank for money orders for bills), make dinner, feed the baby while the twins eat (occasionally I get to eat while I do this), clean the mess in the kitchen and dining room, bathe the kids, get them ready for bed, put them to bed. From there I either clean or do laundry till 11:30pm. Of course, any cleaning I have done with the kids awake was with them following me and asking me a dozen questions, keeping the baby out of everything, and trying to keep from loosing my mind. (Not to mention the 2am feeding.) His day...wake at 7:10 go to work. Get home usually before I even get off. Make something(s) to eat, throw his clothes on the floor, and watch tv. When I get home he switches the tv to cartoons and retreats to the bedroom for more tv. He comes out for dinner, but only to get it and return with it to the tv (or video games). If the dishes make it to the kitchen, they are on the counter. If he stays in the livingroom, the tv is on what he wants to watch and he ignores the kids. If the baby is crying, I have to tell him to pick him up or he just ignores it. If he eats in the living room, that is where I pick up the dishes. I do everything...even gather and take out the trash. I am angry all the time and he can't understand why I am so angry (even though I tell him every week). I don't know how much more I can or even should take. I don't think it is my job to raise my husband.
01-16-2009, 11:47 AM
I was just thinking that it can't be much different than "raising our husbands" I get frustrated with him. When I used to be a real estate agent and then a title insurance agent I worked mostly from home and on the road out of my car, while attending school. He never took my job seriously, because I wasn't in an office from 9-5 so he would ask me to do a ton of "favors" for him all day. Can you run here? Return this? Call this person for me? Drop this off by noon at the post office? This needs to be at the bank by 3 ... I would get so frustrated. I was like HEY I HAVE A JOB! I used to scream at him I"M NOT YOUR HOUSEWIFE! ( No offense housewives :) ) We probably get so mad because we don't ask them to anything for us. I run all my own errands, take care of all the household stuff, cook dinner all while I was working and in school. I didn't ask him to make my deposits or call people on my behalf. It was really annoying!
My biggest pet peeve. At 7:00 in the morning him saying - there isn't anything I can take for lunch? I always feel like why didn't you think about YOUR lunch last night. Noone makes my lunch or thinks if I ran out of tuna!
01-16-2009, 12:07 PM
WOW! I just finish reading the mad at dad stories in the magazine. I am very surprised at how many stories I relate too, I thought it was just me. I agree with ickes0522 and having my husband read them, although Im sure it wouldnt do any good. We have a 1yr old daughter who will be two in Mar. We have been married for 8yrs. After reading the stories I now know that the people I shared my thouhgts with couldnt feel me because they arent married nor do they live with a man. Im a bit of a neat freak and it kills me when my husband cant put his clothes in the hamper and not next to or hanging out the hamper. It irritates me when he puts his lotion on in the living room and leaves it sitting on the floor or counter. It also irritates me when he has a million shoes at the front door and when he goes out doesnt put on one of the pair thats already there. I also dont like it when he tells me hes gonna do something and I end up having to do it because he doesnt do it. I dont like nagging him or being made to feel like I am about doing things he should know to do. I also dont like when hes watching tv and he cant hear me when im talking to him. I have come to the conclusion that men have tunnel vision on everything that doesnt involve their personl interest. My husban and I have talked about all these things, when I was upset and when I was calm but nothing changes. He does help out here and there but only after Im really upset or have to ask, thats why Im in no rush to have another child....
01-16-2009, 12:32 PM
I don't understand what good will come of this article. Sure everyone needs to vent sometimes, but most women will read this and it will further fuel their anger and people that are already having marital trouble have one more excuse to divorce that guy. It isn't giving any helpful solutions or ways to communicate. The things that are good about your man should be focused on instead. I'm pretty sure there are many things we don't do for them that they wish we would do that we are "clueless" about too.
01-16-2009, 01:27 PM
Having read the article and all the postings, I have to say that while the article highlighted some extreme examples of why mom is "mad at dad", the truth is no matter how "hands on" or helpful your spouse (whether husband or wife) is, I think that the primary caregiving parent is always going to feel -even if it's just a little bit - anger, frustration, bitterness about being the primary caregiver and doing what feels like a very solitary job. YES!! It is the -hands down! absolutely best job EVER! I have been a professional fundraiser for 15 years and had a very successful and lucrative career before getting pregnant. My husband and I had been married almost 11 years before Nellie was born last January. I LOVED my job and imagined that I would go back to work after 3 months but we decided (thank GOD!) that we could afford for me to stay home. I am so happy that I did; I would have been miserable having to leave my baby. My husband and I made the decision together and we are both grateful that we are able to structure our lives in this way. And he is very hands-on - he works , he makes dinner often, he plays with Nellie, he does bedtime every night and he lets me sleep in on the weekends. BUT that doesn't mean that everything is perfect and that I don't get frustrated sometimes. Sure, I have it better than almost everyone else mentioned in the article but that doesn't make my feelings any less valid. It is all relative. Just because you love your job doesn't mean that you never get upset or frustrated or angry about certain aspects of it. And for everything my husband does do, I DO get frustrated that he won't pick up his own clothes or that he steps over the laundry basket on the stairs, etc. I think the point of the article was to let the primary caregiving parents know that they are not alone. No matter how good or bad you have it, these are feelings that affect us all. The point is to let us know that it is normal to feel frustrated - how could you not? And Parenting does offer a solution -talk to other moms or dads who are the primary caregivers, use this blog, and talk to your mate! We've got to keep the lines of communication open because whether it is about the socks making it into the laundry basket or not, the only way you are going to make your feelings known is to TALK!
01-16-2009, 04:12 PM
For the record, I am a 29 year old married mom of 3 children; aged 14 months, 3 years and 6 years.
This article was disgusting! How can it possibly be helpful to b!@#$ and complain about your husband? This article made me angry alright...angry at Parenting.
If a man were to say stuff like that about their wife, the man would be labeled as an a$$hole. But when women say it, then it's oh, the poor woman, mistreated, neglected and unappreciated. As if men don't have anything they could complain about.
And all you stay at home women, do you realize what a privileged it is to be able to stay home and raise your children? Not everyone has the opportunity to spend the day with their children.
Maybe more women should focus on all the good things their men do for them instead of trying to find the faults. I bet that would help your anger subside and you might just learn to be happy instead of bitter.
01-16-2009, 05:16 PM
I read this article and then all your posts! Thank you! All of you! I have been going through the exact same thing. Since I had our daughter, I left working full time. My hjusband assured me things would be fine. After collections notices started flooding the mailbox, I Begged! Yes I said begged him to get another job. I offered to go back to work but by that time he said we could afford daycare. So it was my place to stay at home with her. I love being able to spend my days with her. He did has all the other husbands did, NOTHING! He did so much nothing I left him.
It scares me to death thinking I won't be able to care for my daughter. But I did it anyway. Hoping that the time apart would help him see all the things he was missing and all the things I did. I moved to another state to be with family. He came to see us twice. We slept in the family room. I set up a pack-n-play for her. I slept on the couch. She had no schedule. We were at the mercy of family. Thankful they took us both in. He would tell me I was having a great time. Living it up, even! He missed her start to crawl, get teeth, swim, walk, and speak.
While we were gone he did eventually get another job, but by that time I had gotten a job so I could support us.
He claimed he changed, he was cleaning the house looked good, laundry, dusting, etc.
After nine months I decided to head back. I get home with the anticipation it would be clean. Boy was I wrong. So I had to reclaim and reorganize the house.
Now I ask you and please let me know? What am I thinking? The only part of the article I didn't see was the why or better yet the should we stay with these men.
I understand that great men are out there. And to be honest I thought my husband was one of them. So do you stay or do you pack up your kids and life and move on? At this point does it matter when anything I do goes unnoticed and unappreciated. Please let this going bold, getting fatter from stress eating women know?
01-17-2009, 12:46 PM
Hello, I read your article "Mad at dad" and just tough to write a response or my story, what ever you like to call it. When I read it I saw a flashback. My husband was like a child and I taught, may be he will change after baby's birth. But guess what, it never happen and it even got worse than I thought. I was hoping for an end of all those dirty sucks, t-shirt and shirts all over the apartment. I had to walk up early, so I can feed the baby, I was cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing his shirts and baby's cloth. And my baby had a problem with his tummy, so he may be slept only 30 minutes between feedings, and was crying all time. When my husband was coming from work he always had his dinner ready and he always had a fresh shirt and lunch ready for work. He never helped me at home, he never washed dishes, cloth or even fixed his tie. I was always tired, and I could barely walk after delivery. When my mom asked me to live with her for a bit, so I can get well, he didn't want to let me go. He made a huge drama out of it, and he even coled his mother and told her that I want to leave him for some time with the baby! Of course his mother agreed with him. He yelled at my mother and told her that WE can handle everything ourselves. It made me so depressed and I was crying like a crazy till my mom came and picked me up. I lived in her apartment for a week. I would stay longer, but my husband called me every day and asked when I come back and he was refusing to come over my parents place so he can actually see the baby and spend some time with him. When I came back home, I still have all the same things to do and no help from his side. I really want to thank my dear friend Darina, who was there all the time and helped me to get over it. She was babysitting him so I can get some sleep, she was helping me to bath, feed and change diapers. I can tell for sure the is the best friend you can ever have. I never trust my husband when I asked him to change a diaper he will put it this way so baby will get wet, he put cloth wrong, like a 3 years old kid could do it, he mixed formula wrong few times. You might say all men are like that, but nope, you are wrong. I never met some one like him. My dad, both my grandads know how to cook, iron, wash and they always clean after themselves, and my 19 years old brother does the same. Well, I'm pretty sure that all come from a family where he was raised. He was born when his mother was 40 years old and he is her first child and 3rd child of his father. They always let him do whatever he wanted to do. He never got punished and his mother believed in everything that he says. I called his mother and said that he wont help me at all, he has his cloth all over, and when I ask to calm baby at night he yells at me that he has to wake up at the morning so he can go work. I told her a story when I was fixing a dinner at the kitchen and the baby was with him in the living room. When my Friend Darina came i herd she was yelling at him, what happened he was on the bed with the baby. Wile he was staring at the screen the baby was crawling behind him. The other time, I was also at the kitchen and the baby was with him in the bedroom crying and when my friend asked him why the baby is crying he said - nope, he is not. When I told this to his mother he refused everything as well. So, it was totally stupid idea to call his mother and trying to get a support from her, the only thing she told me that her son can always come back to her by himself or with the baby...So I after this my story gets even worse. I asked my husband to leave me and go to his parents. Well, his parents even approved that idea. Now I live together with my son and my roommate. He pays for rent, as a child support. But he wants to get a custody, so the baby can stay with him on a weekends. When he starts to talk about it, my heart is jumping out, my feet get cold and I shiver. I can't imagine baby staying with him for few days...I just know what kind of dad he is...He comes to visit his son once a week. I'm raising my son by myself and I go to college so I can finish my education. And trust me I'm very happy this way and it made me to be more strong. Well, I'm not the best writer and it's my second language so forgive me for all my mistakes here..:)
01-17-2009, 03:50 PM
This article was right on in so many ways. Men have the EASY button all of the time...and we put up with it. WHY!!!!!? I am sooo tired all of the time, doing EVERYTHING with little or no appreciation. It is comforting to know that I am not alone, but I still cannot figure out why we tolerate it. We are smart, strong women...isn't there anything we can do?
Sure, men think differently, but are you saying that they cannot learn? If you tell them something 50 times, they should be able to remember it. Men must get sick of having the same conversations/arguments over and over.
Sigh....if anyone has had success in turning things around (for more than 1 week), please let me know. I am exhausted.
01-17-2009, 07:50 PM
I was feeling like this recently. I felt like my husband didn't help me around the house because he thoght it was "my job", and i would get so mad at him. But part of it for me was my inablity to make my needs known and my want to control. I started noticing that when my husband did help i would get mad because he didn't do it the way i would do it. So i would end up doing it anyway. i started changing the way i think. if he gets from A to B and the kids are ok, then it worked, even if i think the way he did it is silly. Also i started telling my husband what i need. i was expecting him to come up to me and say "i got this why don't you go shower" Ha ya right! But when i say can you keep an eye on the kids while i shower and can you try to pick up the living room too? I came down the stairs to find the whole living room clean! It also helped to make a list of all the things i did in a day. And if you can leave! Go to the movies or shopping by yourself. Let him see how frusterating it can be to be alone with a kid or 2 or 3 for hours at a time. And to all the women who say i cant just leave. Yes you can. They might not eat well while your gone but they'll still be alive.
01-17-2009, 08:04 PM
I'm done! After reading your latest article "Mad at Dad", I am done reading parenting. The article completely disregards the stay at home father and the responsability that goes with being a dad. I have been a stay at home father of 3 exclusively for the past 5 years. I am the primary care provider, do all the house work, yard work, shopping, etc. I have held my tongue on other articles I have read in this mag., but enough is enough. Equal rights don't seem to go other way do they? Why does this site have a mom chat page, but no dad forum? Why does the mag only run an article from a dad every 3-4 months? This article focuses alot on percentages. What is the percentage of dads that stay at home? For all those woman polled or who agree with this article, try communicating with your spouse. Instead of getting angry and talking to your friends about how mad you are try asking your spouse for help. 50% need a breather! Everyone needs a breather from time to time, your kidding yourself to think otherwise. I cannot believe the editors let this run in this issue. The writer, editor, and any one else who works at this mag should be ashamed and know that they have lost this reader. I'm sure I won't be the last.
01-17-2009, 08:56 PM
I am a stay at home mom and a full time student i have a 7 yr old a 5 yr old and now a 2 mo old. This article could not have come at a better time i truly thought i was alone. I had my oldest daughter when i was in my teens and my husband and i have been together since right out of high school. We have been married for 6 years now and even though things get better or at least easier to cope with we still have problems. He helps a little around the house now so i cant complain or at least thats the way he makes me feel like just because he picked up his own dish he deserves an award or something but yet i dont even deserve a "thank you honey dinner was great". Then as if it werent bad enough the one day i find a babysitter for our three girls so that we can have a quiet well deserved night alone he decides he is to tired and annoyed with the kids to go out. So as always he locks himself in the room relaxing and watching tv while i hear our 5 and 7 year old fight over whether we will watch sponge bob or hanna montana all the while dealing with a crying 2 month old who is so tired she just cries and does not sleep. But as if that werent bad enough he has the odasity to get mad when the baby cries because he cant hear the tv. I just fell like i am stuck at home all the time dont get me wrong i love my kids but i think i will end up in an insane asylum soon. I just dont understand why we need to ASK for help all the time or why he thinks the baby's crying doesnt run right through me to. I just wish he understood how much i need a break away from the kids and a night out alone in a QUIET place, it does not need to be fancy or even cost us a dime. A walk at the park would be great or even a quiet picnic, i am not picky nor am i demanding a sweep me off my feet dinner just a quiet no kids yelling night alone with my husband (the one i fell in love with 7 years ago the one that swore to help with the kids and never stop being romantic.) I dont think that is to much to ask for.
01-17-2009, 09:11 PM
Is this article for real? Did so many wives who supposedly love their husbands really throw them under the bus in a national publication? Or is this an attempt by the magazine to inflame people's emotions such that they register for this website and participate in this stupid debate?
To all the husbands out there, marriage takes work. If you don't think you're wife is pissed off at you, then you're not paying close enough attention. Look for the clues and try to respond appropriately, your life will suddenly be a lot smoother. Would it kill you to pick up a phone and call her during the day to see if you can run an errand for her on your way home from work? Maybe show up with some fresh flowers on a random Tuesday. Think about it brother, it's not that hard.
To all the stay-at-home moms who "identified" with this "article," I say "get real". Who do you think is keeping the electricity on, the mortgage paid, the water running and the refrigerator full? Have some respect!
Working father of one and full time Dad.
01-18-2009, 12:19 AM
Thank you for a wonderful article! My husband and I are married for only 3 years but we have dated each other almost 10 years before our marriage. We went through so much together, from getting our B.S then our Doctorate degree. We have 2 children, our son just turned 3 and our little daughter is 4 months old!
I work full-time and so does he! Because of the work situation, he got an offer to teach full-time at an University that is about 2 hours from home. At the begining, he would sleep over at his parents place, because he got so tired to commute and I let him do it because I didn't want him to get into accident because his lack of sleep.
For doing so, I AM the one who take care of everything in the house, from A to Z! even with 2 children in the house, my husband has never bathed the kids, when my daughter was born, he didn't hold her until she was 3 months old because "she was so tiny, he was afraid that he would drop her!!!!"...I always remind him that he needs to spend time with the children, or else you will miss out, but he does not seem to get it! He is so focus with his teaching and totally forgets that he also has a family of his own! As a new semester approaches, I don't know how I can go through the days and nights without him again...
I am so burned out! I don't know if I could do this any longer, but I guess I have to try because I love my children very much! Please don't get me wrong, I love my husband too, but it would be so wonderful if he can realize that he needs to do his share of being a parent too!
Bravos to all the moms out there!
01-18-2009, 01:23 AM
I seriously think that in many cases us, as women, have a general idea of how to take care of a family and children. As a child, I help my sisters with their kids, from WASHING DIRTY DIAPERS by hand mind you to running around after them making sure they don't get hurt. Even after all that training I still felt clueless the first time that I was alone with my first baby.
After five years and a second child I was right to say that my husband was just as clueless as ever. He works at night so he usually sleeps most of the day but when he was awake, he would go for the tv, computer or any other activity that had nothing to do with children. I cannot say that it was only his fault because from the very beginning I wanted things done my way, from the way to put a diaper to the way to play with my kids.
One day after cooking, cleaning, playing with the kids and more cleaning I was ready for a break. My husband comes home from visiting one of his relatives (that I particularly dislike) and the first thing he does is to sit in the couch and turn to ESPN!!!. I snapped at him and said "why don't you do some chores here or at least try for once?". He was more surprised than angry at such accusation and his reply was "but you don't like the way I do anything and you always preferred to do it yourself". I never noticed that every time he tried to help I was not satisfied and did it myself and even if I wanted help I wouldn't ask for it because of the same reason. The worst was that I never told him the way I felt. So he went on thinking that I wanted to do everything because somehow I knew better about kids and housework and he let me have my own way.
So, women speak up! and you may find all the help you need (even if not everything is done perfect as only you can do it).
01-18-2009, 11:46 AM
I am trying to figure out why people are getting mad at the article. Clearly, from all the people who posted, there ARE women out there that do deal with anger and frustration with their mates because they do the OVERWHELMING MAJORITY of household chores and childcare in their homes. The article was not intended for stay at home dads and in no way says that ALL dads are like that. If it doesn't apply to you then why does it even bother you? There are articles in Parenting that are specifically for women regarding beauty and other things, do you get mad about that also? Not EVERY article in the magazine is for you. I don't get pissed that they have articles for parents of children who are older or younger than mine. Any woman out there can respect a guy who does step up and take responsibility. We think that's awesome, but we are not all in relationships with men who do that. At least this is a way for us to vent so that we don't have to do our venting on our "partners". Just like the article said, these issues are not things that we just run out and tell our friends about or talk about seriously at playdates. So if you are one of the guys out there that is a stay at home dad and has really stepped up to the plate then Hooray for you and your family, but if you want to be realistic you will find that not ALL men are like that. I just don't get why you would take the time out to post that you are angry with the magazine for giving moms who are in this situation an outlet for their frustration. I felt alot better after posting my story on here and my husband and I did have a calm discussion the next day about my concerns. So Thanks Parenting!
01-18-2009, 05:06 PM
I have read the article "Mad at Dad" and recognized some of the very same scenarios that occur daily in my household. After the birth of our first child nearly 6 years ago, I was planning on returning to work as a daycare teacher and plans were made for my son to be enrolled in the daycare where I was working. As it turned out, we had the financial good fortune to forgo that plan, and I ended up staying home with my son. 2 years later I gave birth to our daughter, which put the idea of returning to work on indefinite hold. As many of you know, the cost of full time daycare for 2 children is astronomically high! I have encountered almost all of the issues discussed in this article, and there are still days, all these years later that I find myself seething at my husband for one reason or another. Yes, marriage and rasing a family is a partnership, but it is almost NEVER 50-50. How could it be? I think that men definitely get the better end of the deal when it comes to days off and alone time. I recently got the flu for the first time in 6 years, so when I couldn't get out of bed, there was near chaos as my husband and the kids tried to figure out what to do. But with that being said, would you want to miss out on what wonderful things your child might learn that day? I admit, I go out for Girls Nights, I go to school one night a week, and I bartend on weekends for extra cash and the opportunity to have adult conversations that don't involve Dora or stain removal tips. It's all relatively new to me, and the older your kids get, the more responsibility you can pass off to your husbands or boyfriends. Little babies tend to intimidate men more than a naked supermodel ever could! Have some patience and continue to ask for help, it's the only way you're going to get it. Men aren't any better at reading our minds than we are at reading theirs! Did your husband do his own laundry before you were together? Why can't he do at least his own now? How did he survive all those years without you around to make his lunch or prepare his dinner? Let him get back to the basics of being him, and taking care of himself for a little while. Step OVER the dirty socks on the floor, and be as oblivious to it all as he is. And when he asks why you didn't pick them up, tell him you were just to busy taking care of your child to notice. If he'd like clean socks, then maybe he can figure out how to read the directions under the lid of the washing machine. My husband was by no means domesticated when we were first married, but subtle and calm approaches have proven to be the most effective, not hostile and angry accusations. Anger tends to panic men and rather than actually listen to what you need or want, their focus immediately becomes figuring out a way to make it stop! Now, he washes and folds the clothes while he's watching football. He cleans the kitchen and picks up toys while I sleep in a little on a weekend. BUT he still leaves his dirty underwear behind the bathroom door and his clothes rarely ever make it to the laundry without some reminding. This isn't to say just deal with it because this is the way they "are". But do recognize the difference in priorities for men and women. It is not solely our "job" to raise and care for a family, but we are so much better at it than they are, and if nothing else, take comfort in knowing that nobody can do it better than us!! Teach them what you know, and help them figure it all out. It's worth it in the long run!
01-18-2009, 08:30 PM
I'm so glad I am not alone. My husband does nothng around the house.
I can be washing clothes, getting dinner ready and coloring with my 5 year old twins and he is on the couch watching t.v. It is so frustrating. I always say to him, "it's like I have three children not two, I pick up after all three of you". The faster I clean the dishes up in the sink, the faster he dirty's more, only for me to wash them. I get home at 6:30 pm from work only to come home to a sink full of dishes and the house a wreck, by the time I clean up everything, it is time for my boys to get a bath and bedtime. I can't even remember the last time he gave both the kids a bath! Some days I just feel like crying. Like today for instance, I am juggling the boys, cleaning (at least straigtening up) the house, grocery shopping, making lunch for the boys, doing laundry, all the while my husband is in the living room laying on the couch watching t.v. I always ask him "what are you thinking while i am juggling all these tasks at once while you lay there, can't you see or hear that I need help" - - Obviously not.
01-18-2009, 10:51 PM
I just read this article and found myself very angry - not at my husband but at the authors and editors.... Like others below I could relate to many of the examples provided. But as someone who has been through one failed marriage and is trying to build a second, healthy one, I found it very disturbing that they spent 4 1/2 pages telling us how angry we are and only 3 paragraphs suggesting any strategies to address this anger - and then only 1 - talk to your friends and hubby (if only it was that simple). Although it's always helpful to know you are not alone, I felt the article runs the risk of inciting people's anger without providing many ways to help. So..below are some of the strategies I'm working on to deal with my anger.... I'm not expert, and I am very much a work in progress (and believe me, it is hard work), but I hope this might be helpful to someone out there. And hope the editors/authors will do a follow up article to help those who have been left more angry then they started!!!
Before I dive into my strategies, first let me say that although it is cliche, in this marriage I really try to focus on changing my thoughts/behavior/reactions rather than my husband's. There is actually a lot of research out there about marriage, and it shows that the most important predictor of a successful relationship is how people RESPOND when they are hurt. So I am trying to work on ways of changing my behavior to get what I want. And, I also have to note, that I am married to a wonderful man who loves me, wants me to be happy, and (as importantly) is willing to work on our relationship.... I realize that not everyone is as fortunate....
okay - here is what I am working on...
1 - GET MAD! I am non-confrontational - when I get mad I bottle it up and let it fester. This is very dangerous. It builds into resentment and then I see everything my husband does in a negative light. When he gets mad he gets mad. Let's me know that's he's mad (which is not always easy for me), asks for me to change, and then lets it go. It really is okay to be angry - it is how you deal with the anger that is the issue.
2 - LEARNING TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF - Sometimes I see my husband sitting on the couch and I think he is so lazy. Or I see him working out and wonder how he gets time to do that. But really, I think in some ways men are just better at taking care of themselves - taking the time and space - down time - that they need (I realize this can get out of control too...)! But instead of being angry I try to learn from him. Here are some ways I am trying...
I DESERVE IT - Sometimes I feel like I can't relax if there are things to do (dishes in the sink, lunches to be made...etc). But really, I need to stop - otherwise I run myself ragged and am miserable. I deserve the break too! So rather than trying to take away his time I try to get some too, by -
LETTING THINGS GO - think about whether I have to have the kitchen spotless before I go to bed. Maybe I can leave a couple of pots for tomorrow, in order to give myself a few minutes of down time tonight... Maybe we can go one more day without that load of laundry....
MAKING TIME FOR MYSELF - The reality is that there is always more to be done. If I don't make time for myself it isn't going to magically happen. If the baby has two naps during the day I try to take 15 min during the second nap for myself - to sit, have a cup of tea, and read. Or I set a time at night to be done - at 9:30 whatever is done is done and whatever isn't isn't (I'm still working on this one..)
ASKING FOR WHAT I NEED - My husband is a wonderful, caring man, but the reality is that he doesn't think about all of the things that need to be done and what I need. So I have to ask (which I'm not good at.) - for help, for time... most of the time he is willing to give me what I want - but if I don't ask for it I definitely won't get it!
3 - I THINK ABOUT INTENTIONS - I know that my husband is a good man and wants to be a good husband, and that means a lot to me. So he doesn't do everything I want him to do all of the time - he feels the same way about me. Both of us want to make this marriage work.
4 - EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION - I agree with the author that talking with your husband is critical, but HOW we talk is just as important. I've been married to my husband for just less than 2 years and we are still learning how to communicate with each other. How to really express ourselves, our needs, and our anger (hurt) in ways the other person can hear; and how to respond to the others' needs. This is not easy, and I don't have great strategies here, but I think it's too simple to just say we need to talk...
When they say that marriage is hard, and it takes work, this is what they mean. Maybe this is an opportunity to learn about yourself, your husband, and your relationship...?
Okay - enough for now - I hope this helps someone! Maybe others have some ideas to share too!?
01-19-2009, 02:23 AM
I just read this article and it was so true. My husband and I have been married for three years and we have a 16mth. old son. Before we had our son I did most of the housework and helped my husband by typing his sermons and putting the church bullatin together. Now that we have our son my husband doesn't seem to understand that I can't do it all plus take care of our son. I get so mad everytime I have to ask him to do something simple like take out the trash when it's full instead of just piling it up or changing the baby's diaper. You'd think he'd notice that he's wet when he's holding him, think again.
He thinks that when he's watching the baby that I'm just sitting around with nothing to do, but I'm usually doing something for him or housework. He seems to want a reward for doing even the simplest things. If I'm washing dishes or doing laundry he'll bring the baby into the kitchen and put him in his high chair with a snack, then he leaves the room to work on his baseball cards or read, meanwhile I'm left with not only what I was doing but also having to stop what I'm doing to pick up the baby's cup of give him more snack. Why can't he just stay in the kitchen with him.
When I try to talk to him about this he just says he knows he's a bad husband and that makes me feel guilty for wanting a little help or he'll tell me I I should sit down and do the work later, but if I do that it will never get done and it just piles up on me. It's putting so much stress on our marriage
01-19-2009, 06:35 PM
To all you Dad's out there who don't agree with this article need to realize that it is NOT the same. You won't suffer from hormone level deficiencies from having children, post partum, or even sore nipples. This doesnt make dad's any less of a parent but equal parenting requires picking up a broom once in awhile without the wifie having to ask.
I felt validated when I read this article. It was nice to read "I have to ask every damn day." instead of a glazed over humorous response from the magazine.
No matter where you come from or what sex you are, or what your job is, understand that EVERYone needs a day off from whatever they do, INCLUDING STAY AT HOME MOMS. Every successful company in the world has a, should I say, "support network." Multiple employees working together to achieve one goal, one sale, one task. Why should a stay at home mom have any less from her partner?
01-19-2009, 07:50 PM
I was somewhat frustrated reading the article "Mad at Dad", featured in the latest issue of Parenting. Maybe I am just the rare lucky one but my husband is wonderful. We both view parenting as a two person job and treat it as such. When I need help, he steps in and when he needs help, I do the same. We both are responsible for our 11 month old son; we both give baths, change diapers, do the bedtime routine, cook dinner, do laundry, etc. Of course, we both have our own separate tasks. I gorcery shop because I like it and he mows the grass. Your article seemed to be man-bashing. I think that instead of bashing our husbands, we need to talk things out. Then, husbands may be more inclined to help out with the kids. What happened to your "Hot Dad" segment? At least that gives some credit to the great dads out there!
01-19-2009, 08:09 PM
I don't understand what good will come of this article. Sure everyone needs to vent sometimes, but most women will read this and it will further fuel their anger and people that are already having marital trouble have one more excuse to divorce that guy. It isn't giving any helpful solutions or ways to communicate. The things that are good about your man should be focused on instead. I'm pretty sure there are many things we don't do for them that they wish we would do that we are "clueless" about too.
I agree! Let's talk about solutions to our anger because, in fact, isn't it our own faults that we are angry? We can only change ourselves. I've learned a lot about how to deal with my DH from parenting books believe it or not! What works on a toddler can also be retooled for husbands (hee-hee). Like, GIVE CHOICES: "Do you want to give the kids a bath or cook dinner?" Then after choices have been made I don't interfere (too much :-0) with the way he's doing things. This is much gentler and has a better response from DH than if I told him, "Give the kids a bath while I cook dinner," which is an order and always got a negative response from him (like "don't tell me what to do").
Who says we have to pick up after our husbands! I just leave his stuff whereever he's put it and I worry about my own stuff, then at least I'm organized :-0
One of my favorite things to say to myself whenever I'm feeling angry comes from Jane Nelson's Positive Discipline book. She's says (when dealing with a toddler, but also works well for others), "Decide what you will do." You can't MAKE anyone DO anything, you can only control yourself. So, say DH is going to the gym every morning for an hour (as in the article). You canít MAKE him give that up but you can schedule your own activity that you enjoy doing every day! Sign up for a class and say that either youíll hire a babysitter or he will take care of the kids for that hour.
Sometimes when things are feeling very overwhelming and I know Iím going to explode soon, I ask myself, ďWhat would make me feel better right at this moment?Ē and I go and do that thing. I tell DH, can you watch the kids for 15 min. Iím going to <fill in the blank>. Sometimes it is just a matter of going into the bathroom, and giving myself a little pampering (brush teeth, wash face, put hair up, etc. etc.) and I come out feeling much more relaxed. Iíve also been known to just say, ďyou are watching the kids for the next 15 minutes, IíM TAKING A WALK!Ē and slamming out the back door. When I come back, Iím much more relaxed, reenergized and ready to face everyone.
What are other solutions that people have come up with? Iíd love to hear them!
01-19-2009, 09:27 PM
I totally agree with just about everything you said. My husband and I have been together for 8 years (married 3), he has an 11 year old from a previous marriage and together we have a 21 month old. He has never given her a bath, only twice stayed up with her all night when she was teething and tells me he can't tell by feel when she has a wet diaper. When we go to anyone's house I am the one to watch her, feed her, change her and play with her. He wonders why both of his daughters are "momma's girls". Cause you don't do anything with them! He works third shift and I work first. My job has required me to do a lot of overtime at home recently (after the little one is in bed) and when I come home after a long day I still have the dishes to do, laundry to fold, the animals to take care of, the house to pick up, cook dinner, bath and bed time by myself. He doesn't see any of the housework that needs to be done and can't understand why I'm too tired at 10 or 11 p.m. to "cuddle". He gets to help coach his friend's son's basketball team 2 evenings a week and games on Sundays, he also plays softball ALL summer long, and goes out with friends on his nights off (not all of the time). Does he ever ask me ahead of time so I can find a sitter? No, he says "just take her to my parents house". I don't like the way his family raises his niece's, snack all day, dinner at random hours, the kids walk around in dirty diapers (our daughter gets diaper rash really easily), and the bed is used for punishment. No, I dont' want to take her there and leave her. I get so frustrated, at times I think about divorce. I know that won't help the situation. Thanks for letting me vent.
01-19-2009, 10:29 PM
This article came at a great time! I just begged for a girls weekend as my son is 8 months old and I havenít had one night away from him. My husband is in the Marine Reserves and is away one weekend a month. He also leaves for work before my son is up in the morning and doesnít get home until 6 or 7 at night. He also gets at least 2 nights a month out for himself. I get angry when he even asks to spend a night out with his friends. I feel like I have my son 5 to 7 days a week when my husband had drill. Iím TIRED!
01-20-2009, 01:14 PM
I absolutely loved this article - it hit very close to home. I posted a link on my blog, and everyone loved it...keep up the good work!
01-20-2009, 02:58 PM
When I read the article, "Mad at Dad!" I remembered being completely furious at my husband for the first three months after my son was born. He was a full-time student along with his full-time job and though he was letting me stay home I was still angry and frustrated because when he came home he'd felt like he'd payed his dues for the day and I needed to have dinner fixed, laundry done and everything else taken care of so he could just come home and enjoy some relaxation. I kept telling him that his expectations were making me totally drained because I still had a child who was awake and hungry every three hours and I never got a break if I planned on having everything perfect for him. I wanted to make him happy but I felt very alone when it came to raising our child. I read the book "Sex Begins In the Kitchen: Because Love Is an All-Day Affair" by Dr. Kevin Leman and strategically left it on my husband's nightstand (thank-goodness he's a voracious reader). After him reading certain parts we'd talk about realistic expectations for each other and what we needed to accomplish. We came up with some compromises that really helped then. We've been much more active in trying to help each other with the various needs each season brings. Another book we recently read together is "How To Date Your Spouse" by Lindsey K. Rietzsch which has really helped keep us focused on building our marriage and caring for each other rather than being angry about expectations that we have not expressed. I so thankful I'm not angry any more. My husband is my best friend.
So I guess I'm in the minority here. I have a wonderful husband. we both work, but we share all the household chores. actually I'd say he does more than I do as far as chores go. I'm content to let the laundry or dishes pile up a little so long as it means I get to play with my son. yes I could put him down to play but i'd much rather be interacting with him than cleaning especially after working all day. I will say I do more of the child care, but that's only from my own personal choice and while I care for our son he's taking care of the house. we do trade jobs though as he makes me share our son :) and I'll start the laundry or whatever while they play. my husband does get his time to go out but he's also very good about making sure I have time for myself. I think maybe we should be pointing out the good things they do rather than bash them. sure I get frustrated just like the next person, but then so does my husband, but we talk about our issues. we don't stew over them. maybe the ladies on here bashing their husbands should try some positive reinforcement with them. I know that when I compliment my husband on the wonderful job he does as a father and husband he's much more inclined to continue doing a good job and will find ways to out do himself and surprise me.
01-20-2009, 07:24 PM
I'm not married yet but my fiance and I live together. We have a one year old daughter of whom I stay home with everyday because neither of us believe in leaving our child with a stranger. He expects me to do everything from feeding her to doing laundry. I don't ever get a chance to myself and on top of that, I'm studying for my bachelors. He makes me angry so often because he feels that since he works all week that he is entitled to be able to do everything. I'm so tired of it and in response to it, I'm not sure if we will ever make it to the aisle.
01-21-2009, 02:20 AM
I read the article yesterday and I need to admit that it triggered a very emotional response. I have two young children and my husband really just does not understand. I am always so tired and although I do not want to be angry, I have to admit that I often am. So many examples in the article really are my life and I am afraid that I am at a breaking point. I love my children so much but this is not what I ever imagined my life would be. I have tried talking to my friends, but none of them seem to be in this situation and reacting in the same way. I do not have family in the area, do not have help with the kids, and never get any time to myself. I know that my husband doesn't want me to be this upset, but when I try to talk with him, he gets defensive and tells me that he is also busy and tired. If anyone wants to have an email conversation, please let me know. I could definately use support and I am happy to listen.
01-21-2009, 09:21 AM
When i read this article it made me happy to hear that this was something that most women can relate to because my husband is great but some of the things that he does and says makes me so mad, like just yesterday he told me i could have an hour to myself. i just wanted to sleep well after i was out of the room for about five minutes he found me. he took the baby to where i was and tried to get her to be quiet. there are so many other things that he does or should i say doesn't do that make me feel like we are never having another baby. i always wanted a big family but now i think one is enough. if how he is now is anything at all like he'll be with four kids i think i'm gonna go get myself fixed!!! i feel like i am on the brink of breaking down everyday. i think i am mad most of the time, and i think that this is a problem in our relationship. i just had a baby. i should be happy, instead i feel like i am all alone. right now he is sleeping it's 9:30 am on a wed. and he is sleeping, must be nice.
01-21-2009, 09:43 AM
I hope I can be an example for many others out there... It might be the only good that can come of this situation. I've been harboring these same angry feelings for the past four years, and our marriage is decimated. There are issues that are unrelated to parenting, but even some of the larger issues seem surmountable, while the daily pull-my-hair-out-while-he-lounges-on-the-couch bit just seems like the end of the line. I have two sons, and I have to admit, I was content with one... I love my youngest with all my heart, but there's no denying that I was sabotaged into getting pregnant again, even though he KNEW I wasn't ready. And now I might as well be a single mom, except that single moms at least get to make their own decisions about how to parent, when to clean, what to cook... my husband has very specific expectations, and I'm expected to carry them out.
This has gotten much worse over the past two months. I used to work full time as a benefits administrator, but was recently laid off. For the first time, I'm doing the SAHM thing, and I am, truly, pulling my hair out. My days are 16 or 18 hours long, I don't get a lunch break, or even a 5 minute coffee break. There's no such thing as a weekend. I'm the only one in the office, not a co-worker in sight, and my paycheck doesn't exsist. (Since I'm not actually getting a paycheck anymore, our finances are a bit dicey, so I don't get even a small "allowance") When I get frustrated and ask for help, my husband tells me that since I'm no longer employed, this is my job now, and he shouldn't have to do any of it, since he's actually bringing home a paycheck. My recent response didn't get me anywhere, but it's worth pondering... we used to spend $800 a month on daycare, and after 8 hours, we didn't ask our provider to follow us home and clean the house or take care of dinner, did we???
Sorry, folks, just ranting. I actually asked my husband to read the article in parenting, and he just laughed at it, and said it was ridiculous. He called it a one-sided story, and shrugged it off. Sigh. Thanks for letting me rant.
01-21-2009, 12:34 PM
I am so glad this article came out. I hated feeling like I was wrong for being so angry. I've been married to my husband for 7 years and I don't think my anger has ever been this bad. I was angry before that I was the one who was handling most all of the major responsibilities in the house (financial, medical, general household duties, etc.), but of course I have to get his input before making decisions so he won't feel useless. For instance, I made the decision and teh arrangements for us to move to a new apartment, but we had to stay in an area that was close to his Mom because he had to be readily available when his mom needed him, being that he's her only child and he feels like she has no one to help her. Never mind that I missed being near my own mother, brother and sister. He offered opinions but when he disagreed with something offered no solutions, leaving up to me to figure out what to do that would make us both (more him than me) happy/satisfied. Then when we had our daughter, the responsibilities and the anger just grew. But, god forbid I talk to him about it and hurt his feelings because I'm making him feel bad about not pulling his weight. We're in counseling now and I'm hoping that it will help us get through this rough patch. I'm tired of feeling burdened and being resentful towards the man I chose to marry. He wants another child and I think once that happens it will be more of the same. I definitely do not want to have another child if this is what the result is going to be. I find it so hard to get him to understand how I feel if I have to be afraid that saying what I need to will make him feel depressed. I really have to worry about me for a change, put myself on the list, but when I'm charged with the responsibility of keeping the house afloat and keeping my daughter and him happy, I get relegated to second class. I need a break and a day at the spa is not going to do it if I'm just going to come home to the same situation.
Then on top of that he complains that I never take a break and actually has the nerve to get mad at me when I'm not "relaxing" on my days off. How can I relax when I have laundry to do, bills to pay, groceries to buy? Who's doing it? Not him.
If he actually does do something around the house, he expects praise. Like another poster said, It's like I have to make a little sticker chart for him and put a gold star on it every time he cooks dinner or helps out around the house. Why do I have to give praise for something he is supposed to do? Who's giving me gold stars?
01-21-2009, 02:01 PM
I was so surprised when I read this article in the mag. I know exactly what all of these women are feeling.... Respectfully, I am a stay at home mom of a 4 1/2 year old and 6 1/2 year old... My husband ticks me off everyday when it comes to being home....
I have my own temper I try to keep in check and of course I also have a boy and girl who I have to keep in check... I am up at 6:30 every morning to get the kids ready and off to school while my husband too has to get ready for work so essentially I feel as though I am raising 3 kids instead of 2...
If I clean and move something of his I get the attitude for cleaning but if I don't clean I feel as though I live in a hog hole.. Know what I am saying?
Anyway You can't find a whole lot of advice on kids that are 4 and 6 it's usually 0-3years and 8-12 years ...
I do find myself angry all the time and I have finally started taking mixed martial arts to get in to shape and to have some self worth of being able to defend myself and kids when mr. hubby isn't around to do it for me... Any way he and my daughter (6 1/2) always fight before we leave for our class... I can't stand it so I try to talk it out with our hard headed child and him but it doesn't work... I wasn't aware of the enormous amount of health issues come from being angry all the time.. Any way I am glad that other women have taken the opprotunity to confess just how angry they get with their husbands and it's okay to share your feelings with those who know how it feels.
I understand where someone feels like you never know what to do when you have a day off because my husband tells me "well if you don't feel like cleaning today , then don't.. I'll get it later for you." and then never does it...
I feel like at 28 and back problems like I have I shouldn't over do what I can but I tend to push myself until romance isn't even an option for me or a want.... So ladies I feel your pain....
01-21-2009, 02:36 PM
Romance. That's funny. It's hard to feel romantic when you've just gotten home from picking up your child daycare and have less than two hours to feed her, feed yourself, get her ready for bed, pack her and your lunch for the next day, clean up after your husband who has once again left a bunch of things lying around for you to step over/pile up/toss out--again. Then carve out your 1 hour of me time to exercise, check your email to see if you've been given a new feeelance assignment (because it's nice to have the extra money to build up the savings/college fund) then collapse exhausted in bed at 9:30/10:00PM. Then your husband is upset because you're not all snuggly with him.
01-21-2009, 03:20 PM
I was so disapointed when I read this article, nothing better to talk about? 5 pages!!! what happened to this magazine?
we have been married for 7 years now and my husband never did chores. He helps, but it's not his job. He is the man! He takes care of me and our children, would it kill me to clean the bathroom? To all the complainers I have to say, stop feeling sorry for yourself! Thank God you have a husband. When you show no respect to your husband nor you nor your children benefit. I would recommend a book by Gary Thomas "Sacred Influence". Ladies please show your husbands some respect, stop complaining.
01-21-2009, 04:30 PM
I am so angry with this article. Do you seriously not get that men's and women's brains are hard wired differently? Do you not understand that talking to a husband means getting his attention away from the television and computer and sitting down together? Men are not mind readers nor are they neandertals. Heres a couple of things to think about. First, when they first come home from work is the last time to nag them about things you need. I give my husband of ten years a half an hour down time to unwind from work before I hit him with anything, and the big talks are saved for bedtime when our four children are not going to interupt. Second, I seriously hope that you don't except your husbands to be "more like us" I don't want to be married to a woman, my husband is a man and I am proud of it. Let men be men and be proud of our differences. Use his differences to your advantage. If he's great at playing with the kids right after he gets home great, but if his idea of watching the kids while you make dinner is sitting them infront of the tv while he lounges on the couch then don't bust his chops. Don't make him feel like he's just another kid for you to take care of. Let him be the dad, the man! Not a whimpy woman/man. I am still working at understanding my husband. I know that he works his tail off every day, attends school half time and yes comes home exhausted. Yes he doesn't parent like I do and you know what. I don't mind in the least! The kids love that they get more ice cream with daddy. and I've learned to go with the flow if they come home full of junk once in a while. He is a good dad, he loves his kids. And they know that we love eachother and we respect each other, too. Yeah my husband can be oblivious sometimes but that doesn't mean he doesn't care about me nor that he sees me as less of a person.
If you want to see changes in your marriage, I mean one for the better? Real honest changes that leave you happy and satisfied? Try reading Dr. Laura's The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. It will change your marriage. Oh and one more thing. Try thanking God every day for a man who loves you and your kids Thank God that your man isn't abusive. Thank God that He comes home to you every night. Maybe you will feel better about him if you do.
My names Sarah Earl and I love my Husband!
01-21-2009, 07:36 PM
I read this article during one of my precious few moments out running errands without baby or dad. It totally validated the feelings that I've been having. I'm so mad at so many things too and really was thinking I had some type of disorder so it was good to commiserate and identify the origin of the feelings. The article put them into words so well.
I work part time and also raise our 14 month old while dad works full time and is gone from 8-7pm, coming home while I am getting our son fed and ready for bed. By the time he gets home I'm exhausted and just want to get ready for bed myself. I am also 4.5 months pregnant and we are co-workers!
I've learned I have to tell my husband what I need, sometimes 3 or 4 times - sometimes more. I don't know if he has a brain problem or what, but eventually he will catch on and help out. After reading some of the posts I realize how fortunate I am, because he will get up with the baby and let me sleep an extra 20-30 minutes and will take over parenting on the weekends.
I'm tired of being stuck in the anger, and just want to find solutions because it sucks to be angry all the time. It was great, though to know that I am not alone in these feelings when my husband leaves his dishes lying around, never cleans the tub, and totally overestimates what he does around the house. I think this is because their dads didn't do much, if anything to help out and so that is what they have learned is normal. These days if moms have jobs and also raise the kids, well that's got problems written all over it. They need to be retrained, plain and simple!
01-22-2009, 02:50 PM
You have no idea how much this article meant to me. I read it and you said everything I can't say to my husband. I work at the school, so I could really relate to the woman who worked at the school, and her husband expected her to do everything because she got out before he did. He doesn't realize that after spending all day with students you are completely exhausted. And then to come home to all the housework and a young child, it just adds more stress onto you and your marriage.
Thank you parenting for putting all my frustrations on paper.
01-22-2009, 08:27 PM
Men just get angry in different ways than mothers. My ex wife was aweful at raising my son. She would neglect him, forgetting often to change and feed him. I would get home from my full-time work and until bedtime be cooking, doing dishes, laundry, etc. while she watched television.
First, I applaud all the mothers in my shoes. It's difficult to be both parents. I just hope we all can appreciate that men generally aren't multitaskers, nor do they often have a "motherly" instinct. Men and women are not equal. I happen to have a mind able to be very involved with my son and with all the daily tasks that are necessary for the life I lead.
Second, I hope wives everywhere can take accountability for their anger. By all means, let it out, but try to make it constructive. Disagreement and arguments are natural, but fighting should not be common place. Discuss your issues, and if you let a derrogatory moment slip, make amends.
Thanks for the great article! And try to find a silver lining in that anger!
01-22-2009, 09:41 PM
As many other mothers have said, I really related to this article. I've been talking with co workers about my frustrations and they related, but when I read this article it really confirmed for me that I wasn't alone. But now I need to decide what to do. I don't want the anger to affect my health. I don't want my 2 year old son to see a strained relationship between his parents. But I never expected to feel this way. My husband was alway so attentive and helpful before we had our son. He seems to have regressed. Sometimes I feel like I created this person I'm angry at. I've always told him that I don't mind doing alot around the house, but I never want to feel like it's my responbility because I'm the wife. I just want an offer of help. Do the laundry every now and again. Really show you appreciate all that I do. He says he appreciates all I do, but for some reason I don't believe he really understands all that I do. He takes it for granted. I don't know what I'm looking for but I know I'm very disappointed that my life has been filled with anger and frustration. I need to find a way to let it go.
I also recently started reading Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus at a friend's suggestion. It's helpful to understand how a man's mind works, but I get frustrated even further, because I wonder, why do I need to be the one learning about men? Why do I need to be the one to educate myself to make our relationship better? Doesn't he notice things aren't the same? Can't he take the initiative to learn about women and how better to relate to me? Ugh. I don't know how much the book will help me because right now it's just making me more frustrated.
01-23-2009, 08:01 AM
I was a single mom for three years before I got married, and I have to tell you-the two years I've been married have been ten times harder on me than when I was a single mom. As a single mom I accepted the fact that I was the sole caretaker of my children, I was the only person working, the only person cleaning, cooking, and being a parent. I admit, it was tough, but the kids and I were happy. But since I've been married, I guess I was silly to assume that my husband would be such a big help and relief. I expected to sleep in once and awhile, slack off on laundry and he'd pick it up, maybe even take a day to myself and not feel guilty. Ha! I honestly feel as though I have another child, and sadly, I don't want that one. My husband leaves to work later, is home earlier, and has only two chores: taking out the laundry and doing the dishes. It never happens! He's either drinking with buddies, playing video games, or on the computer. Eventually I break down and ask for some help, and I admit he will help, but it results in him becoming upset that he actually has to do something, and then he sulks because I didn't feel comfortable asking him to help!!
I am soooo angry and frustrated that I've honestly considered divorce, if not separation, just for my own peace of mind. I doubt I ever would follow through though. I do love my husband, and financially? Ha. Not in today's economy. Help!
01-23-2009, 11:47 AM
We have been together for almost 9 years, married for 5.5 years and I love my husband and enjoy spending time with him. Unfortunately I don't have a lot to spare. I work full time and am trying to finish school which takes up extremely large chunks of my time. There have been many times when I won't get home until after 9 after leaving at 8 or 9 or even 7 in the morning and I come home and there is a sink full of dishes, food on the table cloth, clothes on the floor, just plain junk on the floor and he's on the computer or watching a movie. Needless to say I don't necessarily want to be dealing with this at that time of night. I get really annoyed. Also he is incapable of remembering things. I have always been the one to bring the kids to school(3 & 5) but this semester I had to take a class that interfered with that and I made him aware of this in November(classes started in January) and he is surprised this week when he has to start bringing them to school 3x a week. I also had an incident last week where I had a big project to do(doleing out 1100 cases of Girl Scout cookies, because oh yeah, did I mention I'm also a Girl Scout leader and in charge of the cookies for the town?) and I had asked him yet again in November and talked about it repeatedly between now and then to help me on that date. Getting the cookies out to the troops is very physically demanding and exhausting. It really helps to have at least 2 people, plus I have problems with my feet, where if I do to much walking I am in quite a bit of pain. It wouldn't have cost him anything except 3 hrs of vacation time which he easily had. He informed me earlier that week that he would be working instead. He does work all week and has a second job waiting tables on Friday & Saturday nights which he hates but does because of the money, so I understand that his whole week isn't sitting around but it sure seems like it when he is at home. He does make sure the kids are bathed, dressed relatively normally, eat pretty decent etc. His method of getting them to clean up involves at lot of yelling(a whole nother topic!) but all in all he is pretty good with them but he just does not notice that stuff around the house needs to be done!! Can you tell I needed to vent?
01-23-2009, 01:27 PM
After reading this article and many of the responses, I realize how petty it is for me to get mad at my husband... He's a stay-at-home dad for now (not by his own choice.) When I first went back to work, I would come home and the house would be a mess...I was so stressed because I wouldn't say anything and just do it myself. But the truth is, men are not mind readers, nor ever will be. So I had to break it down for him. After our talk, the house isn't a mess anymore. And if there is something not done, I don't get mad about it...I just do it. I know if I were in his shoes, I would still want him to contribute to the chores. Yes, I understand that we shouldn't have to ask/tell them to do something and they should see when things need to be done. But men have a different mind set than us and there is no need to stress and be mad all the time over something you can't change! So when the house is a mess or you need help with something, JUST ASK your man and stop being so mad at them!! You will both be much happier! ;-)
01-23-2009, 09:50 PM
you should sign them up for daycare and then after you are home go get them.
01-25-2009, 02:52 AM
This article came at the right time. Two nights ago my husband and I got into a huge fight. I was upset that he let my son scream himself to sleep (he's only 5 mo.), while he was upset that I got mad at him instead of appreciating his help. I tried to tell him that it was more than just that, that I'm angry, but couldn't quite explain why I'm SOOO angry. I've been feeling so ashamed and terrible about being angry at my husband (who is wonderful and whom I love) that I couldn't fathom telling him about the little things that are making me so frustrated. I am at home all day with our son, up with him all night, and taking care of EVERYTHING in our house in the few spare moments I have and on total lack of sleep.
My husband works very hard at his job, but his shift is only 9 hours long, and he gets 2-3 days off a week, sick leave, and vacation. And, when he comes home, he gets to sit back and relax, sleep through the night, and sleep in late, while I do everything. He has cooked twice since we've been married (once while I was pregnant because I simply couldn't stand the smell of raw meat and he wanted steak). He's done laundry once, but left the clothes in the washer for more than a day so that when I found them I had to wash them again. And there are occasional comments about how he's tired because he's the only one working. My grandmother once found an article that said if you paid people to do all the things that mothers/housewives do, you'd end up spending over $200,000 a year. I'll take my paycheck anytime!
So many of the situations in the article are the exact things I am dealing with. And being able to read responses from other mothers in the same boat...it's so nice to know that someone out there (apparently quite a few someones) feel my pain. Now I don't feel so ashamed about being angry. We all get frustrated sometimes, but storing up the little frustrations just leads to outright rage. But understanding the rage makes it easier to deal with.
For you dads who are upset by the article because you don't fit this generalization, that simply means that you are the type of father that you should be. We understand that not all men can be grouped into one category, and you are not what we are angry about. So keep doing what you're doing.
01-25-2009, 10:33 PM
I could have written most of this article from my own feelings! I wish it contained some suggestions as to how to diffuse the anger or communicate to our husbands how we feel and why. My husband does not get it, we just argue if we try to discuss it.
01-26-2009, 06:50 PM
I bought this magazine when I saw the article title on the cover. I am almost beyond angry with my husband. I am a stay at home mom with a wonderful 1 year old daughter. The reason I can afford to stay at home is that my dad left me a small sum of money when he died. My husband does not pay for a single diaper, car or insurance payment for my vehicle (the only one fit for a car seat, his are trucks and a convertible), food, clothes, etc. He makes good money and maxis out his 401K contributions every year (read: the government won't let him contribute any more!!!!) He has never gotten up with our daughter ever, never fed her a meal, or been left alone with her. He goes hunting one full day every weekend but begrudges me any time that I am not the house, even though I always take our daughter with me. He drinks every day, not always drunk but after even one beer does he really think that I could trust him to watch our daughter??? No way!! What if something happened...? I feel like a single mom, but with the frustration of a husband. He is either horny filled with attention seeking hands, but with no actual help being a parent or partner (which would be a serious turn on) or completely absent. Perfect example... our one year marriage anniversary he didn't talk to me. Not at all. One word answers to questions, no response to comments, and the card I got sat on the counter all day. Yesterday I told him we all need counseling, him, me and then us. But... I think I am just ready to call it quits. I certainly don't want my daughter to emulate our relationship in any way.
01-26-2009, 10:25 PM
I recently read your article "Mad at Dad" and decided to come post about it. I am a mother of a 2 1/2 yr old girl. Mind you, I am a single mother- full-time nursing student- and work part-time. I hardly have time to study, much less try to keep up with the household chores, the errands, etc. I do what ABSOLUTELY has to be done. Meanwhile, I have no help at all. I don't even have my every other weekend break since her dad is deployed to Afghanistan now. I can see how other moms can easily be irritated, but at least you do have someone that can help, usually you just have to have a heart-to-heart discussion or explain to them what exactly upsets you- minus the little details. Men are pretty straight forward. What upsets you exactly and what exactly can I do to help?! Just make sure you count your blessings and remember it could always be worse- just like I'm sure there is someone out there in a worse position than I am.
01-27-2009, 01:30 PM
Hey guys. First time poster because this article ran through me. I am 28 my wife 25. I am a sports editor/executive of my publishing company and my wife is a nurse. Ninety percent of our issues comes from parenting. I thought this article did let those out there that are angry at their husbands an opportunity to let them know they are not alone, but there were holes. It just added fuel to the age old adage men know nothing about childcare plus gave my wife more misguided ammo for the fight.
Not only do I watch my two children regularly, I am more than capable of doing the household chores, staying in tune to my kids wants and needs, and just being there. Women do not understand in today's society how hard it is to be a good man and father, let alone a decent human being. Women want men to be the traditional manly man to our faces and then expect us to put the dress on at the drop of a hat.
The thing that got my goat was what about the men that are there. I can braid hair, wipe butts with the best of them. I do most of the household chores (honestly 99.9%) while balancing my career. My wife will have nothing to do, no work for five days and I still end up doing the housework after working all day. When I say anything about it I get the look like snakes are crawling out of my head. She does not do alot. If I yes I ask HER to do something concerning errands or chores it is like I owe her something or asked her to take a leap of faith off the Empire State Building. She refuses to do any chores or running without someone there with her. It drives me insane at times. There is no independent action on her part.
My job is secondary to her because my schedule is a little more flexible. But if there is a doctor's appointment, chores, or any thing else that pops up...you guessed it. SuperDad to the rescue. "You can have someone else cover that ball game" or "Can't so and so go to the meeting at the Secretary of State's office" or "Cant someone else drive the paper route this week." UGHHH! It is every week. I feel less than a man sometimes. My job and livliehood has no value. It is crude and old fashioned but when did I grow a vagina all of a sudden.
To complicate matters more...my wife does not get free time. I am aware, but the solution is easier said then done. My wife and mother-in-law have created an environment in which my kids only want mom or nan when they are around despite all my efforts. So she gets frustrated, but rather than letting them throw a tantrum or letting me deal with it, she would rather be miserable because heaven forbid the kids get upset.
Trust me. I am no angel or trying to put myself in positive light. Because of my frustrations I am less than sympathetic at times. I do just disappear to have a few with the boys and watch a football game from time to time, but if I "asked for permission like a ten-year-old" then I would go even more crazy. And the opportunities are few and far between. I do not do it more often because as I would like because I do have a heart.
She is a great woman and mom. I love her with all my heart. She takes care of our kids like no other. She is my heart and for that I am grateful for what she does do, but I can not stand being made to feel like I do nothing despite the fact I do. According to this article more than alot of men.
If I could afford to let her stay home and do nothing I would. That to me would be perfect but it is not the case. Sometimes women just have too many expectations. As cliched as it sounds men are not that complicated to keep happy. A woman is a paradox of contradiction and fickle digressions. I may never figure it out.
Plus...did anyone else catch on to the fact this article featured two ladies who had been former executives before becoming stay at home moms? I wonder if their aggravation comes from the lost control of being the boss to "Oh my god can you not do anything" control freak mom micromanaging her household with the expectations of a boardroom executive. HMMMM?
Thanks for the vent...sorry my post was so long but like many other men out there I feel like I just can not win or do enough. EVER!
01-28-2009, 08:49 AM
So what your telling me is that I had a 50/50 chance of ending up with an attentive husband and father, and when life flipped it's coin I chose the tail. Great. I feel much better now.
01-28-2009, 08:51 AM
I'd love to be able to write a similar article full of outrageous generalizations about female parents and measure the time it takes for me to be hauled off and publicly calumnified for my opinions.
Spousal anger affects many relationships on both sides. I was married to an angry spouse for twelve years, and I am now the single father of 5 wonderful children ages 3-11. You might think that my perspective is biased because I have no choice but to do everything related to the care of my children. This is not true. I have always been the primary caregiver to my children, and I did it with pleasure, and never with resentment. My children are and have always been my number one priority, and I can't conceive of thinking or acting any differently. If you are caring for your children resentfully, you are doing them a great disservice.
As far as multitasking, for years I have cooked, cleaned, dressed, checked homework, packed lunches, wiped rear ends, wiped up vomit, etc., all the while managing my own company so I could have the flexibility to be available to my children 24/7. As far as chores and workload, if your situation is unfair, do something to change it. I can't stand people who demand that everything be done a certain way, try to do everything themselves, burn out, and complain instead of coming up with a solution. I could go on, but my children need me right now.
Perhaps Parenting should be renamed to Mothering, because I certainly found this article offensive and grossly biased.
-Loving Father(not as rare as people like to think)
01-28-2009, 10:41 PM
I did enjoy the "Mad at Dad" article, and it did make me feel better to know that a lot of other women are furious at the men they love. But I want to thank "1BZmom" for recommending Dr Laura's "The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands." I checked it out from the library, and I finished reading it today. It is an excellent book, and it does help me reframe my thinking, and change my expectations of my husband. I definitely have carried a lot of anger toward men forward in my life and onto my poor husband. So, hopefully what I put into practice after reading this book will help strengthen my marriage.
01-28-2009, 11:28 PM
I agree that Dr. Laura's book has a place but on the lighter side have you checked out "365 Ways to Weasel Your Way Out of Sex" at laughingvenus.com. It is a hilarious read! I bought one for my self and a copy for all of my girlfriends.
01-29-2009, 10:43 AM
I'm glad to see I'm not the only mother out there who is mad all the time. I've read many of the posts regarding this article and the one that hit home was where a mom posted her husband claims she chose to be a stay at home mom. Okay, yes, maybe we initially chose to be a stay at home mom but once we voice our frustrations and difficulties it always comes back to bite us in the butt as "you chose this." My husband's reply is always "go back to work then" when we have read various articles that state it doesn't really benefit financially. And what about our kids? We have a two and half year old that has been at home all this time, what would that do to her? And my son who nurses and won't take a bottle...from anyone. All I have to say is thank you parenting for this article. I feel guilty for always being angry but at least now I know there are a million others out there just like me.
01-29-2009, 11:51 AM
I just hope that most women realize that the MADATDAD article is a two way street. The majority of women I know today try to be "superwomen" which I believe is unrealistic. You cant do it all and shouldn't set that level of expectation on yourself. Many husbands I know struggle with the same MADATWIFE symptoms because they constantly feel they cant meet their wives expectations -- and in some cases, dont want to. Reading that article is painful as a husband -- not because of guilt -- but because we feel that constant pressure from our wives on a regular basis. This is the woman we want to love, but its difficult when all we feel is a level of resentment or being looked down upon. Many men at look their mother as a role model for their wives. I would dare to say the pressures of the mothers that raised these men were far less few then the pressures many women have today (and in some cases, self impose). We watched our mothers actually enjoy being with their children and husbands and hope, at some level, to achieve that. We want to "take care" and love our wives, but find it difficult when all we feel is this pressure and resentment that we arent "good enough". There is no doubt that some men need to step up and help more. But many women need to realize that it all cant be achieved --- the perfect house, the perfect husband, the perfect children, the perfect job. Something has got to give.
01-29-2009, 12:18 PM
One more note to the staff at Parenting.com. Why is it that all the posts show only an icon of a woman next to the name in these threads. Combining that with the fact that your HOME page has a tab with MOM on it, but no tabs for DAD just continues to drive the myth that only women are doing all the parenting.
01-29-2009, 12:31 PM
One last thing. To the staff of PARENTING.COM. How come all the icons by the username are women? Also, how come there is a MOM tab on your home page but not a DAD tab. This continues to drive the myth, and the prejudice, that only women are parenting.
01-29-2009, 03:07 PM
I get it, and it is comforting to know I'm not alone. Sometimes I get so frustrated, I have to imagine life without my husband to remember how amazing he really is. I don't want to live a day without him.
We all need to remember, that the anger means we care. If I didn't love him so darn much, he couldn't possibly upset me the way he does.
01-30-2009, 07:14 PM
I totally agree with the article. I have 3 children and I stay at home, but I also work part time from home (for my husband's company). I am supposed to take care of everything, dr appts for me, my 3 children, my 2 cats, my father and my mother in law. I am also responsible for cooking, cleaning, laundry, homework, bathing kids. I am only reminded of the things in the house that DID NOT get done that day. Why do they not notice what you DID DO that day? When he comes home he does not take over baths or books, he watches the news and then gets on the computer. It would just be great one day a week to have one night off. My biggest issue is when my husband travels and complains how hard it is to travel. Is he serious? He stays in great hotels and eats great food and goes out for drinks!! I would just take one of those business vacations once a year!
01-31-2009, 12:17 AM
I was elated after reading the "Mad at Dad" article! I felt some comfort in that I wasn't crazy or horrible for feeling the way I do most of the time.
My husband is a loving father to our 18-month old daughter, but he's seen as "fun time." The down-and-dirty duties are predominantly mine. Always have been.
I returned to my job as a high school chemistry teacher two months after our daughter was born. I am very passionate about teaching and I put a lot of work into what I do every day. My husband does not take my job seriously; he feels that I'm wasting my brain and hates that I bring home work every night. My salary is nil compared to his, so perhaps that's why he treats my job as some sort of hobby of mine. Because I want to "have it all" -- a family and a career -- he takes it very literally and lets me do it all.
He does help out *some*, I'll give him that. Helps with laundry, the yard when it requires tending, and gets our daughter up and dressed on weekday mornings. Sometimes he'll let me sleep in until 7:30 or 8am on the weekends -- unless it interferes with golf plans.
I feel so frustrated because there is an obvious imbalance of duties. I wonder... if I had a job that I didn't have to bring home or if I worked because I needed to financially... would we share responsibilities more evenly?
Communication hasn't worked well. On our road trip home from Thanksgiving with my in-laws, I commented that it was a nice trip but that it would've been nice to have a day or a few hours to myself. His response: "Well, if you quit your job, you'd have all the time you want." My response: stunned silence for 2+ hours.
Sure, I get nice vacation time as a teacher. But when do I really get a vacation? Other moms have told me the sad answer. Yet, he can take a week off of work to go golfing in the Dominican with some buddies. When I told him that I'd like some time to myself on occasion, he asked what I'd do with the time. Gee, I'd go sit in a coffee shop or the library and read a book not written by Dr. Seuss. I'd go out to lunch with a friend. I'd go to a park just to walk alone. To the mall -- alone. I like being alone sometimes -- something he knew and gave me before our daughter was even thought of.
For now, the time I have to myself is my time at work or the lucky times when I get to go to the grocery story alone.
And the punchline to all of this -- with all that I do with and for my daughter, she calls me Daddy. (How hard is it to see that I'm MOMMY?!)
01-31-2009, 10:26 AM
I will agree that the article, Mad at Dad was like a sigh or relief, that I myself am not the only mother out there feeling like there is so much burden to do everything alone. It's wonderful that we have open communication lines with our spouses and have our friends around to let off some steam or even receive advice from, but is that really all there is to it? It seemed a little bland to be honest.
02-02-2009, 04:52 PM
Yes, the article is a bit extreme. But I still found a lot of the details resonating for me. My husband of 6 years and I are both executives in stressful careers, raising three young boys (4, 2 and 3 months). But, I work from home full time (in an office FAR away from the kids, with a full time nanny). Being in the house all day still leaves me the feeling of being completely cooped up all the time, even though I do talk to adults on conference calls and such (about completely boring topics). The thing that frustrates me the most is how my husband always treats his job as more important than mine. Several times a week he casually tells me he's going to be late at the office without EVER, EVER asking if I need to work late or if it's alright. This often means that I take over child care at 5:30, hang out with kids and do dinner, bath, etc, and putting them to bed, then returning to my office (in between nursing the baby) to finish my work often until midnight. And, during the day in between meetings I take care of EVERY household need including 100% of our finances, bills, health insurance follow ups, doctor and dentist appts, contractors, nanny issues, pre-school events, birthday cards/gifts, etc. Not to mention handling all the children's clothes and toy clean up at the end of the day. This is truly exhausting. I wish my husband would just attempt to come home and help in the evening at a reasonable hour (he is only 10 minutes from the office), and if he needs to return to work at night, so be it. I usually do. I also wish he would get the kids dressed in the morning without having to be asked (I've nagged him about this about a dozen times with no change - "I have to ask every damn day" - hallelujah), offer to give me some time to work out or shower or take a nap sometimes. But no. I also get frustrated that he doesn't try to play constructively with our kids. All he does is wrestle them and rile them up, or plop them in front of TV, rather than doing art or reading type of activities. I don't want to be a nagging B**** but I feel I'm being driven to that. I truly used to be a free-loving, sweet happy flower child sort of person but that part of me is getting squished day by day by the very angry person I am becoming. I know we need to communicate more and better and we are likely going to have to go to counseling or do something to rectify our situation soon, and hopefully that will help. I do love my husband and he loves our kids a lot - and loves to care for them when he is around doing bath, dinner, etc - he just isn't around enough and puts his own priorities before mine or the family. I for one am grateful that I am not the only one feeling this way and I appreciate parenting for shedding some light on this topic. All this debate means it's a topic that needed to be addressed!
02-03-2009, 08:42 AM
I just want to say that I didn't get to read too many posts (mostly because they're only displayed four to a page and my poor computer is too slow to keep loading them!)
I would love to hear from anyone in my situation.
I work over 50 hours a week outside the home. My husband only works 27 to 40. It has become my job/responsibility to do EVERYTHING.
I buy the groceries, cook the food, do the laundry (at the laundramat!) put the clothes away, vaccuum, sweep, wash floors, dishes, plan menus, plan lunch money or bag lunch for our kindergartener (full time program where we live) pay attention to school events, attend the PTA meetings once a month, buy all toiletries/necessities (diapers, formula, clothes that fit, including his toothpaste/deoderant) take down the trash (we live on the 2nd floor) dust, iron, put out clothes for next day, christmas shop, wrap, decorate/take down decos, remove clothes that don't fit anymore, filter toys that aren't played with as stealthily as possible, know the location of every binky, blankie or cuddly at any given time, plan all birthday parties/bring children to birthday parties,
Okay, so I know you not only get the idea but probably have much of a similar list. But what frustrates me to living hell is that he is only incharge of the cats. And even then I find myself putting down a can for them when their little bowls are empty and I'm in the kitchen and they're in and out of my ankles begging!
I am a WOW widow and if you're one, then you know. If not, WOW is World of Warcraft. (insert any other online obsession: City of Heros and such)
He spends much of his time in front of the computer.
He makes me feel guilty when I'll ask if he could just watch the baby (8mo) so I could just get an hour or two more of sleep. (and when I say guilty I mean it's the tone, "sure, I GUESS")
The bassinet is on my side of the room because he DOES NOT wake up. I'm not kidding, he just keeps on snoring/sleeping/breathing evenly - the kid does not wake him up! So please don't start with he's faking! And even if I woke him up, I'm a TERRIBLE sleeper so I would be up too anyway.... so there's really not point there.
PLEASE! If anyone has been in, is in, or is worried about being in this situation, TALK TO ME. I'm so angry/rageful it's scary. I even went to therapy and that didn't really help.......
Thanks for your time and reading this, I really appreciate it!
02-03-2009, 01:54 PM
When I read this article it was like the author had read my mind. Only I hadn't realized I felt that way! It made me realize that my biggest frustration with my husband is his inability to multi-task and the resulting frustration he directs at me when he is asked to do so. It felt good to see that I am not alone in feeling this way. After I read it I (not so inconspicuously) left the magazine open to this article on my husband's pillow, hahaha! Then I rolled over and went to sleep. When he came to bed a little bit later I heard him flipping through pages reading the article. The next morning he didn't say a word about it...but he was a lot more pleasant and helpful in regards to helping me with our son's needs. He still has his off days but I think it was an eye opener to him to see my point of view through someone else's words. Thanks!
02-04-2009, 10:47 AM
I agree with so many of your posts, and so many of you should be thankful for the wonderful husbands that make wonderful fathers. I identify the most with the posting of "I had no indication of this before our daughter was born. This is not the man I married.". Amen. You are not alone. I just keep thinking - what have I done? I love my 5 month old child so much. I stay at home and am fortunate to be able to work full time from my home office. I wouldn't have it any other way. I took a large pay cut to be able to do this, but think that it is the best environment and situation for my child. We have been married for almost 2 yrs, together for 7. He was extremely attentive and totally interested before and during the pregnancy, and since she has been born, it has been - "What about me?". He has not changed a single diaper, never given her single bath, never made a single bottle, never gotten up once with her during the night -even as I was recovering from a cesarean section. It amazes me how he can zone out in front of the TV, the baby cries and he either turns it up and just ignores her. Then he has the audacity to get mad at me when I ask, "Can you hear her? Please pick her up." to which he replies "She's fine. She's just whining because she knows you will come get her and give her what she wants."How would he know? It is unbelieveable, and that is only the tip of the iceberg. I spend probably 98% of my time being mad at him for something. How much is too much? My friends and mom say "Give it time" and "It'll get better." Why do I have to wait for it to get better? Why does he have to act this way, and why do I have to put up with it? I don't like to be angry, but I worry most about any negative impact the stress of our household could have on my baby. I'm sure it is extremely difficult to be a single parent, I have many friends who are, but I am an acting single parent in this household. Thanks for listening to me vent!
02-05-2009, 12:31 PM
I too am totalling frustrated with my situation and only last night was able to read the magazine with this article. It rings so true to my situation that I sat and cried. We have been together for 7 years and during those years he has never, EVER helped around the house. We have a 5 year old together and his 2 boys from a previous marriage are with us full time (ages 15 and 17). In the entire time we have been together, he has only been in a job where he was home in the evenings for 6 months, his jobs cause him to be gone in the evenings. Otherwise, I have raised his 2 older boys (the mother walked out on them) and our 5 year old. Recently I asked to borrow one of his electrical tools (one that I bought him for Christmas) for someone at work and he responded that I couldn't because "It was his and he wasn't going to let me use it." He sounded worst than the 5 year old does. That comment set me off and I literally have not talked to him for 3 weeks. It is to the point that divorce is being filed and he is moving out. This will be the second time that we have separated. The first time was for 8 months and he moved in 3 blocks away. When they moved back in the first time, for a little while he was more attentive but that has long since gone. He does garage doors for a living but can't / won't fix ours!!!!
His little comment brought back so many bad memories that I had bottled up inside me. The time when I was 5 months pregnant and missed a stool that I was going to sit on to clean the frig and landed on the floor. Instead of being worried about me or his unborn child, he and his 2 boys just sat there and laughed at me. I had to get up off the floor by myself. Then there was our marriage / honeymoon in Hawaii. The day we were getting married I had a terrible migraine. We took the kids with us and did the standard vacation tours. When we returned to the hotel, I asked him to watch the baby (1 year old) so I could lay down and get rid of my headache before we got married that night. Instead, of him saying I would be glad to help you, he said no he needed to take a nap and then proceeded to get all 3 boys worked up. I finally had to go to another room and lock the door so I could have 30 minutes to lay down before getting ready for the wedding. And then there was the birth of our child. I was induced for 3 days with no luck and had to have a C-section. He did take off work and stayed at the hospital with me but that was a bust. He complained if I had the TV on when he was trying to sleep and that the bed he was laying in was unconfortable. I was 9 months pregnant with ankles the size of trees, an IV in my arm and being told that he was uncomfortable. On the second day I finally sent him away because he made me so mad. He came back 8 hours later all rested and relaxed. That final night before the C section, mine and the baby's heart rate raised and I could not get a nurse to come to the room. So I had to wake him in the middle of the night to go down the hall to find a nurse. He came back, said he could not find one, laid back down and went to sleep. After 2 hours, our heart rates returned to normal but I lay awake the remainder of the night. I do everything around the house and the only thing he does is order his older boys to do his fatherly duties, i.e., changing diapers, etc. I am so over the "being together" thing that I can't wait for him and the 2 bigger boys to move out this weekend. I can't wait to have some peace and quiet. I'm afraid of the future being a single parent, but know that for me and my son it has to be better than the life we have had for the past 5 years.
My soon to be ex-husband is lazy, selfish and only does things that he wants to do. He has told me time and time again, that I'm not to tell my friends that he will help them with anything. While all last summer, I went to one of his friend's rent houses and took care of the yard work while he stayed at home and slept, watched TV or played on the laptop. Oh yes, let's talk about the laptop, he bought this (using money for bills) and does not even know how to use a laptop. The only thing he can do with it is play games on it. That then requires him to spent all of his waking moments sitting at the kitchen table or laying in the bed, playing games. I turned off the internet 2 weeks ago to ecomonize and he through a fit because he was not going to be able to play his games.
Never once during our time together has he worried about finances or how the food gets on the table. He changes jobs at least every year and I continually have to make it look like a good thing to our friends. But really, because he is selfish, he thinks he is getting screwed at every job he had ever had and quits. That might be another reason why I broke this time, he is talking of quitting again and I just can't do it anymore. I can't figure out how to pay the bills on my salary and wonder when he will contribute to the finances when he "can." I could go on but I need to stop. It is making mad just thinking about all of this again.
02-08-2009, 01:45 AM
a hand to those dads who take charge, and to all the mothers who do what we do
02-08-2009, 01:57 AM
I am 18 my hubby is 24 on Dec 16th, 2008 we or shall i say i had! our beautiful baby boy Isaac Zachary
There is so many things i could talk about that gets on my nerves iv learned that instead of begging him to help, to just take a deep breath and do it myself so im not having to go back and pick up after the big kid. and i love him and want him to have a good day everyday, i know i am constintly bickering, and he does his part garbage, wood, and... no thats about it , oh no he cooks at times.
i dont know im tired i will vent to you all later
02-08-2009, 08:37 PM
I wake up in the morning, and am usually mad about something within the first 30 minutes of being awake. My anger is extremely intense, but by the time my husband gets home from work I am no longer angry. At least, not about the same thing I was angry about first thing that morning.
I know there are dads out there who do their fair share and there are probably a few who do more then the mother but those instances are few and far between.
My husband helps an extremely tiny amount, and that is offset by all the extra work he himself creates for me by being lazy. The household chores are split like I do 98% he does 2% and our kid duties are split like 80% I do, 20% he does. And his 20% is only done if I ask him; he NEVER takes any initiative. When I ask for help, or when we argue about his lack of help he says "it's your job", "you don't realize how good you have it", and my all time favorite is "i do more then you give me credit for" which is hilariously untrue.
I think what angers me the most about his lack of help and laziness is that while I was pregnant he bugged me to quit my job (I didn't), when my son was a newborn he bugged me to quit my job (I didn't), and then when I finally did decide to quit my job to be a stay at home mom i only did so after consulting with him and having his "approval" on the matter. and now he uses the fact that i am a stay at home mom against me, to justify his being lazy after his hard day at work.
but he doesn't even help me on the weekends when he is off, and he was recently unemployed for five weeks and still never lifted a finger to help me. his reason: he never gets time off from work like that and wouldn't again anytime in the near future so he deserved a break.
when i ask him why i don't deserve a break: b/c he honestly doesn't think i do anything all day except sleep and lounge around the house.
my kids are 1 and 3. it's not like they're capable of taking care of themselves, so i am obviously doing something all day. not to mention the dishes get done, the laundry gets done, the house gets cleaned, etc and he knows he's not doing it so again- i am obviously doing something. the cherry on top is that he never even used to help me when i was a working mom. so he constantly throws it in my face that he works, so he shouldn't have to help me but he also expected me to do everything with no help when i had a full time job (outside of the house)..
honestly, i'd have less work to do as a single mom b/c i'd have one less person (him) to take care of.
02-09-2009, 10:50 AM
This article is about having anger because of the lack of husbands NOT treating wives as EQUALS, not cleaning toilettes. We want partners. We want him to understand that we are doing our part at home while he is doing his part at work. And then when he is NOT at work, you come together and share in the load. He shouldn't assume all family duties belong to the wife and he gets to pitch in whenever he "feels like" or has to be "reminded."
Initiative is most appreciated when, you guessed it, INITIATED! Real simple so how come they dont get it?
Why should any companion, male or female, expect any less? In a perfect world I guess....
02-10-2009, 05:02 PM
This article hit home in so many ways. I am a stay-at-home mom. My husband is the one who works and makes the money. But being a stay-at-home mom is not that easy either. After taking care of the house and our 1 yr old, as soon as he gets home, he wants time by himself. What about me? He talks on the phone for hours as I keep doing what I do every day. Take care of our baby and the house and dinner. It's also the times when he comes home and wants to have some time "together" and hello.... Doesn't even give me time to actually relax or anything. I love my husband very much, but I just want to scream at him. The part about money is so very true. He gets to spend any amount of money that he wants. I want to buy a few new shirts that haven't been ruined by cleaning and he doesn't understand why I need new things. RRRRRRR. I'm happy to know that many other moms feel the same way.
02-11-2009, 03:28 PM
I truly feel for you and I understand why you would get mad. Have you described the situation to your husband the way you describe it in your message? I think the "your day/my day" is pretty clear. Maybe you should really get mad, I mean "let's get real a*hole!-mad", and do something extreme like leave him with the kids for a few days and go hide somewhere (maybe a weekend?) so he realizes how hard you have it, or really make a statement in another way, like stop washing his clothes, making him dinner or doing anything for him until he does a number of tasks you write down for him. Maybe have HIM take the kids to daycare in the morning and get them ready (and once you told him to do something just resist the temptation to check and do it better after him, he'll probably do a lousy job at first but you need to let go!)
Well good luck!
02-13-2009, 11:43 PM
Ok, I can see why you stay at home dads get mad at the article. Maybe they should have put it as "mad at the stay at home parent." You get to see from our point of view what we see. There aren't many dads now a days that get to be the stay at home parent. Gcdad, like you said, you see at times what your wife does when she gets home. It's the same for us when our husbands get home. I have to agree with the women. This is a place for us women to vent. I don't have a lot of friends that have kids going through the same thing. It's nice to see that so many "parents" are going through the same thing as I am.
02-20-2009, 04:48 PM
This article made me furious. It was nothing but ranting and bashing ALL fathers. Why don't you angry mothers take a look in the mirror! Some of this falls squarely on your shoulders. Plus the article blows the problem WAY out of proportion. Go back and look at the percentages on the responses to the questions asked. For instance, "31% of moms say their husbands don't help with the chores." Doesn't that mean that 69% DO help with the chores? Which number is greater? Why report the number in a negative light? Oh right, for the sake of bashing men.
This one kills me, "40% of moms are mad that Dad can't multitask." The writer of this piece needs to do her homework. Men's and women's brains are wired differently. One isn't generally better than the other, but they do work differently. Women's brains are built for multi-tasking. Men's are not. Doesn't mean that men cannot multi-task at all, but it is not as natural. Many studies have shown this to be true. A quick Google search (I recommend using Google Scholar) will turn up studies and papers that attest to this. It makes no sense to get mad at Dad for not being able to multi-task. It's akin to being mad at us for only have 2 arms when you want us to have 3. Sorry, but that's the way we're made. Why not just tell us what you need? Give us a list and let us go down the list one item at a time. We will likely be done with the entire list faster this way.
BTW, those studies on women being superior at multi-tasking also point out that multi-tasking is not usually the most efficient way to tackle a list of to-do items, and at least one test showed that men's IQs actually drop when made to multi-task.
And here's an idea for you angry moms out there. Tell your husband that you need help or that you're angry, and more importantly - why. Stop waiting for our psychic abilities to develop. It's not going to happen. Open your mouths and talk to us. Just be nice and calm about it, not accusatory or nagging. I know it sounds crazy, but it works.
My wife and I both work - hard. And we have 2 daughters. I work from home, but am not what you'd call a stay at home dad. But I do at least my fair share of chores. I always vacuum. I do the 80% of the dishes and 70% of the cooking. I bathe the kids 75% of the time. I solely maintain the systems and structure of the house. I fix the broken toys and assemble the gifts. I do all the grocery shopping, manage our finances and prepare the taxes. I bathe the dog. I wash and maintain the cars. I take out the trash. I do the yardwork, and split the gardening with my wife. The areas I fall short on are changing diapers, which I do only a third of the time, and laundry, which I do less than 20%.
I work my butt off to keep my wife from having a reason to be mad at me, but it's impossible to batt 1000.
There is some real hypocrisy in this article. It states, "We know we didn't marry buffoons. We married smart men who can fix cars and garbage disposals, men who empty mousetraps without getting the heebie-jeebies...So why can't they put the kids in coats and mittens before sending them off to school?" You expect us to do those things AND the dishes, laundry, cooking, vacuuming, etc. And that's fine, but why doesn't the same work in reverse? How many moms put the kids in the proper attire for school, do the laundry, dishes, etc. and then go change the oil in the car, fix the garbage disposal, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, spray the perimeter of the house with pesticides, etc.?
Maybe men are horrible. Or maybe there's no pleasing some of you.
02-20-2009, 10:22 PM
i agree that this article attacked men. but on the other hand it helps women who feel the same way as the article. i have been so mad for weeks. it is helpful to know that some other moms out there feel the same way. I agree dad's should not have to do everything, but when me and my husband both work and I'm responsible for ALL things baby, food and cleaning it gets frustrating.
I can count how many times my husband has given our 2 year old a bath, 4. yep in 2 and a half years of life, 4 baths. 2 were the result of vomit.
I have tried talking to him and he changes for about 3 days and then back to the same ol sh*t.
The article was a little bias, and not all men behave this way, but obviously there seems to be a pattern in quite a few men. I tried to have my husband read the article so he could understand why i am so mad all the time. he read to sentences and felt attacked.
I personally recommend talking to friends and if that doesnt work, talk to a therapist. that's my next move. then perhaps i can learn how to speak to my husband about this without seeming like i am attacking him.
02-21-2009, 02:54 AM
Ladies & Editors,
My wife and I receive the Parenting magazine as we all do, as a man I was very disappointed to see that there are no or like one man on staff at this magazine, thats very partisan. In fact thats like only one opinion, who's opinion is it? Socialism? I have been receiving this magazine for about 2 and a half years now and some articles have bothered me, many attacks against men, but this one in particular really got to me. I don't have to explain to anyone how much I take care of my 2 year old son and support my wife, my wife and I take care of him equally, it's kind of a no-brainer. Yeah, it's really difficult sometimes and really easy at others. I'm more mad at the magazine for being so one sided and printing an article such as this, it's like just because most of the editors and employees are woman and maybe single moms, that automatically makes men the enemies? This magazine makes men really obsolete, reading it has really no purpose for a man. Maybe I have not done the research, is the target market couples or single moms? I have the most respect for both, single moms out there..I love you all! Don't print hateful stuff like this Editors towards men, you just look stupid.
02-21-2009, 08:11 PM
"Maybe men are horrible"
02-22-2009, 10:26 AM
These articles really irk me. There's a blanket thrown over every man/father/husband and it is getting ridiculous. What about the dads (like myself) who are the stay at home parent? The ones who do the cleaning, laundry, drop off/pick up at school, coach soccer, help w/ homework, fix boo boos, go to the park, etc, etc, etc. When my wife goes to work in the AM she leaves the house in disarray. Food on the stove, blender half filled with a protein shake on the counter, a bathroom that looks like a make-up/powder bomb went off. Oh, and I have to deal with that AFTER I drive her to work (we have 1 car) and drop my son off at pre-k. My daughter and I come home and it's all on me, that's right, a DAD. I entertain my daughter, clean the house, pay the bills and do the food shopping. I'm always prepared for my son's school functions, always the first to volunteer to bring something that is needed. Dad's are not all bad and I despise the notion that we are. There is not one parent (male or female) on this planet who is more in-tuned with their childrens' needs than me. And I resent magazine articles like this that state otherwise. Sure there are dad's out there who are tough to deal with but I got news for you, not all mother's are the greatest either. Stop blaming just the dads.
02-24-2009, 06:30 PM
I can't tell you how glad I am it's not just me! I knew that all along, I'm a psychologist for goodness sakes!! But, you really start to doubt your feelings as valid when you are alone in the world with few girlfriends in your boat.
Before I launch into my tirade..the dad's who feel affronted by this article ...this article is not about YOU! It's about the parent (man or woman) that is going it alone! The article is talking to you overtaxed dads as much as it is the overtaxed moms. They unfortunately didn't mention that because it is seriously that rare for the dad to be the primary caregiver! Thus, the sole purpose for the article in the first place!!
My hubby and I have been together 10 years and have a 9 year old and a 3 year old. EVERYTHING I read in the article is my life! I have a full time job, previously went to school full time AND taught full time, while raising two kids. We have these fights because I complain about being burned out and he complains that I'm angry all the time and never want to be intimate, etc. I tell him that it's me..all me...all the time...evryday..every minute!!! Of course I have no sex drive! He doesn't get it! He says he works full time and needs his day off to recoup and rest. Well, WHAT ABOUT ME???
He can go do whatever he need to do whenever he needs to do it with no hassle. I have to go through hoops to get stuff done, and I don't think I've been out alone, or with a friend, for pleasure, for the last 5 or 6 years.
I love my husband, love my kids, but is it so much to ask for to have a day off???
Just becasue I wanted kids means I have to suffer through non stop demands and responsibility without end?? I asked for a job too, but I still get breaks AND I'm paid!
03-02-2009, 12:23 PM
"Before I launch into my tirade..the dad's who feel affronted by this article ...this article is not about YOU! It's about the parent (man or woman) that is going it alone! The article is talking to you overtaxed dads as much as it is the overtaxed moms. They unfortunately didn't mention that because it is seriously that rare for the dad to be the primary caregiver! Thus, the sole purpose for the article in the first place!!"
I appreciate that this is your interpretation, but I respectfully disagree that it was the intention of the article to portray the "parent" and not the "dad." It was called "Mad at Dad" after all. By ignoring (as another poster noted) the majority percentages of fathers that are involved actively in their childrens' lives, it blankets all dads into the negative group (and also absolves all mothers from being even considered into that group). The article generalized all mothers as the "we" vs. the "them." It's not about me, but the writer made it about me indirectly. I don't think it is that rare for a dad to be a primary or equal caregiver. I think it is rare for society to see it. This site is such a prime example of how parenting is viewed. Fathers are rarely seen in photos, unless it is with an article that portrays them negatively; in all of the flashing covers it is always mother and child, never 2 parents or *gasp* a father with a child; as has been said many times, don't even get me started on the pink lady avatar or the mom tab; and most articles are written directly to mom. Even the boards are almost laughable at the comments that are posted. When a woman posts about not doing something right, she's told by posters to be patient; she can't know everything; keep trying you're doing the best you can. Yet a husband/father does something wrong and the vultures jump on the lazy idiot who can't follow directions.
I overheard my wife telling people the other day that we are equal parents. It felt great to hear. And that has everything to do with both of us, the respect and love we have for each other and the love and commitment we have for our children.
Articles like this just reinforce "mommy victimhood." If it hits home as many women have posted, take a look in the mirror, don't simply feel allowed to be mad at dad.
03-03-2009, 04:01 PM
When I read this article I had just had a nice blowout with my husband of 17 years. It spoke to me. I realized how nice it was that others were going through what I am or have. My husband can be very helpful. I would say though that some of the things that irritate me the most are when we have to wait on him to do something, but when he wants something done or wants to go somewhere, it has to be right now. If he needs someone's attention, it has to be right now. But when I'm talking he interrupts me 90% of the time to say something to the kids. He just became a manager about 6 months ago, and now he brings that attitude home. I used to work full time. My kids are 15 and 12 and I have found myself at home...in a new state, with no family or friends, and with a 12 year old struggling to keep up in a new, better school system. Dealing with my husband being upset that the kids haven't moved on from their old friends, found new ones, and how they focus mainly on tv and games...now he wants them to study every day for 2 hours at home and practice their horns for 1/2 hour! It's not enough my 12 year old is at school all day and doing Sylvan 6 hours a week extra. I can see some study time, but this is too much. We also have a house for sale, that isn't sold yet. So, we are under a lot of pressure.
How do we cope with this pressure...you would think that we would be supportive of each other and try to listen cause we're supposed to be partners. But no, we have differing opinions on everything, so we fight instead. Meanwhile I have felt guilty if I do anything for myself. It's rough...I'm hoping we can make it through this stressful time again and love each other fully...I hope.
03-03-2009, 10:42 PM
this is the worse day off my life i had a misscarrie for the second time i hate my life .
03-06-2009, 07:35 PM
That was the most amazing article and could not have come at a better time. I have been fighting with my husband for what seems like forever. Our son is only 6 months old and I am thinking to myself, it is going to be this way for the rest of our lives and our son cant even crawl yet! I saw the article name on the front of the magazine and had to read it straight away. As I was reading it I kept thinking to myself "THAT IS ME, THAT IS MY LIFE!!!" My husband does not get it. He thinks that it is a piece of cake taking care of the boy becuase he is not the one doing it. I get so mad because I don't get any sleep and on my husbands days off he sleeps in and when I wake him up he says that he is so tired. Oh yeah well I'm the one who is up all night trying to get the baby back to sleep. I also work a full time job!! He tries to tell me how much more demanding his job is. Just because its not the same type of work does not mean I'm not tired when I get home. I am up in the morning and don't get off until 11pm. Given he does help out with chores around the house, he is oblivious to what the baby needs. Our son is eating cereal and some veggies but I think he has only fed him twice (at least he says, i'm at work when this happens!) I just feel like he can sit and watch TV while folding laundry, but I have to take care of the ever-demanding baby. I love it, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I need time to myself. When I plan things for myself and for him to watch the boy, I get the guilt trip. It's like I have to plan "me time" around when the baby won't be fussy for him. Yeah right, if he is fussy I get phone calls of when are you coming home. My biggest issue is that when he is playing or holding the baby and he starts to get fussy, he wants to hand the baby over to me and tell me he is hungry. I don't think so, I just fed him 10 minutes ago. But it's like he can't deal with him crying or being fussy. Our boy is pretty good, he only cries if he is hungry, dirty or sleepy. But I am the one that has to figure it out.
Recently with our fights, I blow up at anything! When we talk about it later he tells me "I don't know what is with you lately" or "What is wrong with you, your always mad at me?" Then that just makes me more angry because he makes it sound like I'm crazy. I feel bad for being mad at him becuase I hate to fight with him. We have so much fun together, and I don't want our time to be just arguing. Thanks for listening to me vent, I REALLY needed it. I feel much better knowing that I am not the only one going through it. I think I'm going to make him read that article, maybe it will knock some sense into him!
03-12-2009, 08:56 AM
When my daughter was a baby, I worked 12 hour shifts at a chemical plant to pay the bills. My wife stayed at home by her own choice to raise the baby. After my shift, I typically dealt with the mail, paid the bills, exercised, and went to the bank & grocery. When needed (and it was often) I mowed the lawn, did the laundry, worked on the house, fixed the car, did chores, etc.
To this day, my wife holds a grudge against me that ** I ** didn't "do enough to help with the baby."
Give me a break! My wife married me under the 1950's assumption that it was my job to "bring home the bacon," and hers to run the household and raise the kids. Who didn't abide by that contract? (hint - it wasn't me...) I never smoked, drank, used drugs, gambled, was mean to my wife or child, or spent significant money on any hobby.
You moms who think that your life should continue as it was when you were single or before you had children need to get a serious reality check. Don't blame your husband for not helping with a task that is primarily your job. When your husband is doing his part, you do yours. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!
03-16-2009, 11:30 AM
I used to get really mad about things until I realized that he really just doesn't get it! I need to make lists and give instructions, but it doesn't bother me so much anymore. (Although it is annoying to have to unbuckle her from her carseat when it's -20 degrees and replace that windbreaker with a thick winter coat, haha! ...and to have to ask him every single day to PLEASE put a bib on her next time when she is feeding herself oatmeal or yogurt!) It's taken well over a year but my husband is starting to get the hang of it. Well, for the most part. :)
03-16-2009, 03:00 PM
Reading the article and these posts makes me sad. What we have here in many cases are not "dad" problems, but marriage problems. If your husband won't help, won't listen to you, won't control his spending, etc., you have much bigger issues than mere parenting conflicts. If husbands -- in many cases YOUR husbands -- were honest, they would report many of the same frustrations. Yes, we women can also be clueless, selfish, and stupid.
I find it continually odd that when women and the media talk about guys "not helping out around the house," the chores mentioned are always "women's" chores. Funny, but I know very few women who help their husbands with the yard work, fixing stuff, painting the house, etc. Those things just don't count, apparently. Only when a man does laundry is he "helping."
Another thing I would mention is that many of these complaints come down to wives expecting THEIR priorities to be their husband's priorities. For instance, the wife in the article who complained that her husband didn't help her cut out football-shaped sandwiches for their son's birthday party. That sounds like a neat thing to do, but who's idea was it? Chances are, her husband thought it was superfluous and not worth the headache. Should he really be expected to stop his life and help? And on housework, why should husbands be expected to do half the work when said work is being done to OUR (usually higher) standards? If your husband declared that the cars MUST be washed and waxed weekly, does that obigate you to get out there and help him? Does it make you a selfish wife that you think his standards are anal and his anger at you is misplaced?
Marriage is about give and take. It means that the husband should pitch in where he can because he loves his wife and wants her to be happy, but maybe the wife shouldn't expect the hubby to help her polish the silver that he didn't want in the first place. It means that she should recognize that he has priorities, too, and they might not be the same as hers. If you are mad at your husband all the time, I would suggest that the two of you work on your issues NOW before it's too late for your marriage.
03-23-2009, 02:58 PM
Thank you for your article. More research and publicity needs to be made of this issue. Not just for men but for women too.
However, I do think women experience the rage and anger more than men because we are the ones (typically) doing all of the work, the planning, the chores, the kids activities and everything else, plus making whatever it is he wants actually happen and work correctly.
I felt so much better knowing there are other people out there going through what I am going through. this is not just my friends and I complaining or whining. This is real, it is a pandemic and it is RUINING MARRIAGES and hurting the children! All of the fighting and bickering and criticisms and "cold shoulders". They know and sense it.
In my first marriage I was dealing with alot of these issues, the common ones, then throw alcoholism or infedilty in there and we were divorced. You know, after it was there and he was gone, it was a freeing feeling because now there were no more expectations. There were no more broken promises or me shaking my head wondering why he didn't take out the garbage. I had to do it all. I had been doing it all ANYWAY, but now, I didn't have to wonder why he didn't help.
Now, I am in my second marriage and another child and I am caught in the same trials and tribulations of a man that can't seem to GET IT. We have been in counseling and therapy for over a year because we fight because I don't accept that he can't help and see what is going on. So I call him out on it (ignoring it doesn't work either.) I guess because I have been a single mom of two children and I know I can do it ALL BY MYSELF now I should not have to. I am at home to raise the kids, PERIOD! Household chores, planning meals, ironing, laundry, cleaning rooms and managing our finances are all somewhere on the list. But here we are fussing and arguing and he is sitting for 2hours "taking a break because he had the baby" while I was at church and the store. WHAT?????? I have done it before all by myself and that wasn't supposed to be the deal this time - this time he was supposed to help that is what he said to me. He is a good man, he loves me and the children and he provides for us and he does "his manly projects" but really I need help managing the kids and the baby during dinner and NO-GUYS your way is not OKAY - it is not okay to have the TV on while doing homework or just "deciding not to go" to practice because of a movie or whatever. If you are with the kids be with the kids not the TV!
Anyway - I don't know what the answer is but I am trying to make time for me by working out and praying, but it is harder to even do that and more frustrating and it makes me sad and even more angry at him. I can't even go to the bathroom. I want to blow up the TV. There is so much rage and anger in me that he can't say Boo without me screaming at him and don't even think about intimacy. The last person I want to be around is him.
So what do you do? Where or how do you get help? How do you convince him that he should do more and do the right thing???
03-23-2009, 03:56 PM
Now - How do i get help.
As I said inmyearlier post - my first marriage ended in divorce and I was a muchhappier person.
In many ways I wonder if I would be happier again if I were a single parent again and relied on myself. Not having expectations of someone else made my life easier to manage. My money was managebale and my kids were happy and I was happy and had a social life.
How do I get help to save this marriage. We have been to counseling and it was extrememly hard to get to sessions on a weekly basis together and financially, the copays get expensive but we made the commitment and made it happen.
Now we still get angry and fight, we do recover better and faster which the therapist said was a sign of improvement. But I still can't see how this is good for the children or for my health.
I even went to my doctor and asked him for an "I don't give a %$#@ pill" to help me with my husband. He prescribed weight loss meds which just made me more irritable. I used to be cute and funny and nice and happy and really good mother and a great person to hang out with and sociable. Now I feel like a fat, ugly, nasty, mean *&%$#, and I am NOT!!! I just want some support without having to beg for it EVERY DANG DAY!
03-24-2009, 10:56 AM
O.K., so you report that you were a happier person when you were single and took care of the kids all by yourself. Now you are married and tired of begging your husband for support "every dang day." But why do you need support? If you were happier when you were doing all the work before, why do you suddenly need help now?
Forgive me for saying so, but it sounds to me that you have control issues. You want things done a certain way, and you come unglued when you can't have total control. It's not the lack of "support" or "help" that's driving you insane, but the lack of control. If I had to guess, I would say your husband is probably chaffing under all the nagging and arm-twisting, and maybe he's even "rebelling" a bit by intentionally doing things differently than you would like just to assert himself.
Keep going to counseling, and see if you can work it out. Trust me, you are better off working things out and staying married.
04-02-2009, 01:31 PM
This is my second post on this thread. I just read some of the more recent comments and there seems to be a lot of angry dads, some even saying the angry moms should reevaluate themselves before getting so angry.
If you happen to be the type of dad/husband who does a fair share of things then why are you getting mad at an article that doesn't even apply to you? If your wife doesn't feel like some of the wives here feel about their husband then be grateful and butt out of this thread. Because no matter how great a father or husband you are that doesn't change the fact that not every husband or father out there is so wonderful. One dad said something about moms should ask for help, not assume that men have psychic abilities or something but I have asked for help and been told by my DH that I don't deserve help b/c I don't "go" to work anymore.
My husbands only household "chores" are taking out the trash and taking care of our cats. Those are the only two things he feels like he should have to help with and yet he doesn't even do those 100% of the time without help from me. He also gives our two kids a bath about 90% of the time. I quite literally do all the laundry, dishes, other household cleaning, and about 85% of the total child care. There's nothing equal about our situation. And my asking for help only turns into an argument with the end result being that I get no help and am angrier.
We live in a rented apartment so lawn care and house maintenance are done by the landlord; so it's not like my DH is refusing to help with "women's work" b/c he is also doing "man's work". And I don't even need or want him to do half of everything. I live with a grown man who can't even put his dirty laundry into the clothes hamper. It goes on the bedroom or bathroom floor, or sometimes gets left by him in the living room, and I have to hunt for all his dirty clothes before I can do his laundry. Things like that (unnecessarily making things harder for me) I have asked him to stop doing to just be ignored. Taking out the trash before it starts overflowing without having to be asked 5 times, not unnecessarily making things harder for me, and helping out with our children without being asked or being mean to me as retaliation is all I ask from my husband and he can't even do that.
So while I wish my husband was more like some of the helpful angry dads posting in this forum, he is not. If he was, I wouldn't be here. lol
And the sad truth is that there are a lot of husbands out there just like mine. So why are the good husbands/fathers getting angry about an article that doesn't apply to them and putting down wives unhappy with their husbands b/c they're mad about a generalization in a magazine article?
I just read some of the postings and am glad that I am not the only one who has felt and feels like this. We have been married for almost 14 years and have two children, 13 and 10. My husband thinks he has been involved because he changed their diapers when they were babies. He doesn't have a clue. I love my kids, but I only wanted to be their mom, not a mom to my husband also. Boy, this feels good.
I started writing before, but had to get off. I will never forget the time we (my husband, our two kids, who were then about 5 and 2 1/2 and myself) went to Target. Of course, both our kids decided they needed to throw a temper tantrum( I do believe I said OUR kids) and when I looked around for him to help, he had walked away. He later said he was embarrassed to be around them. Gee, I wish I could have just walked away. Unbelieveable!!! I will also agree with whoever wrote about how different their husband was when they were dating. When we were dating, my husband was not like this at all. He was attentive, considerate, etc. etc. Boy, what a difference; it seemed like he changed as soon as my daughter was born. I was now the one making all the decisions and the one "in charge", but God help me if I screwed up. Then I would never hear the end of it. He still doesn't seem to understand why I go around grumpy (or worse) and stressed most the time.
04-20-2009, 03:29 PM
I got this article in my ail box at work, and it was the best one I have ever read. This article describes my life and feelings exactly. The only difference is that I'm not a stay at home mom. I have a full time job as does my husband, but I'm also a military wife and a police wife. My husband is in the reserves so he is sometimes gone for that and now he just got on to the police department in our town. All the household work and raising our 3 year old is left to me because he works at night and sleeps during the day, and the only weekend he has off a month from the police dept., he is drilling for the army. I've tried and tried to talk to him and let him know that I need a break, and how much I really do to hold down the fort at home, but it just never works. once we have this argument or talk (depends how mad I am), he will help out for a couple of weeks and then things will start to go down hill again and with in time we are back to where we are in the beginning.
Just like everyone else, I'm tired of having to tell him to clean the bathrooms or pick up our son, Is it too much to ask to want a husband to just do these things without being asked, isn't that what our mothers taught us?
My husband and I have been married for 6 years now and have not taken our honeymoon yet, we have the opportunity to go to Vegas this summer if we turn in a travel ticket, I wonder what will happen if I let him take care of things and see if he can remember to send in the travel ticket it's sitting right by the computer? I probably already know the answer, no Vegas for me!
05-15-2009, 09:23 PM
This article hit home with me. I even tried to get my husband to read it but I don't think he got around to it. Maybe it's my hormones, maybe he really has gotten lazy, or maybe I've gotten more busy-reliable-responsible-focused. I know it isn't fair, but we all sometimes think, "fine, I'll just do everything!" Seriously, it's amazing to think how much I am capable of, especially if I have to work and care for my 18 mo daughter myself. I always remind my husband he needs to know how to do things, prepare food, clean house, run errands, and work full-time-Just like I do!!! Why is it so hard for him? I can't be that amazing. Everyday I feel different so I hope it gets better but I need him to help make it better.
05-18-2009, 12:09 PM
I loved the article even though it infuriated me even more...
I am a SAHM not by choice, but I lost my job and shortly after that we got preg w/ our first child who will soon be 2. Another one is on the way.
For much of the time that I've been a SAHM I've been preg and exhausted (ladies I know you can relate!) which is part of the reason why I think I've not been able to truly embrace and grow into the role of a SAHM and all the household/administrative duties that go along with it.
All that aside, my husband works crazy long hours and I know he is working so hard for the family and trying to hold onto his job. That's why I feel like I'm a rock in a hard place. I keep going back and forth between anger, disgust, feeling short changed and then feeling sympathy for his position.
All I ever really wanted from him is dedicated time out of his schedule to devote to me and then to our family to nurture our relationship as a married couple and then as parents. After the way I lost my previous job, I knew being a workaholic would never be in my blood again. I wish I could say the same for him though. I just wish he could leave for work early and come home early. I'd be really happy if I could have him home by 7 or even 8pm but he usually comes home by 11-12 and our child is asleep by then.
Often times I am too swamped or too exhausted to cook him a nice meal or do a half decent job cleaning the house. And like many moms I end up doing my 4th shift on the weekends when he is too damn tired to get up in the morning. I'm sure he knows how hard my position is but because of his position at work he is unable to come home at a reasonable hour. Just this past wknd our child was really sick and he took the day off. To try to be supportive of him I suggested he tell his team members that he would check in with them periodically and he said ok. What ended up happening was for several hours he was glued to his blackberry. When I finally called him on it he denied it. He said he took him outside to play but it was def not for an hour as he had claimed. And I wouldnt be suprised if he was still fiddling w/ his stupid blackberry while he was outside. I was inside cleaning. He eventually said he had responsibilities to so many people at work. I was absolutely heartbroken. When our child is sick THAT should be his top priority!
He does have his moments like yesterday where both of us were on a roll doing housework, and he was letting our child help him so they were having some great bonding time together. I wish he was like that every weekend because I need time to myself on the wknds, not just to relax a little but even more to do get housework done that does not get done during the weekdays. I dont know if he realizes I have longer days than he does.
He actually creates more work for me to do, and its little things that piss me off..like not separating his laundry or even putting it in the basket...leaving wet towels on the floor, not rinsing his dishes and putting them neatly in the sink so I can quickly load them into the dishwasher. I spend more time correcting these things than doing the overall chore itself. And then there is childcare. There is not enough time in the day to accomodate both and we all know it.
I just wish he would come home sooner and help me out. Then I wouldnt feel like the disgruntled housewife that I am.
08-19-2009, 05:23 PM
Thanks for your article on why we're mad at dad.
While its comforting to know that I wasn't alone in being mad at my husband, it confirmed that there's no reason for me to be miserable with a husband who won't help me just because other women decide to put up with it.
I have 3 children - a 3 year old and a set of twins. When the twins arrived, my husband left all of the responsibility on me. I was overwhelmed caring for the kids, trying to keep the house somewhat neat and trying to get back on my feet physically. He wouldn't cook, clean, shop, help with the kids or anything.
When I told him - "Your wife is drowning - I need your help - Will you save me?" he said "I can't." I was devistated. And I stayed angry.
My blood pressure was off of the charts - so much so that my doctor was ready to put me on meds.
So, I decided to save myself. I left the jerk and what he wouldn't do in marriage he now has to do in divorce. He has to cook, clean and shop for himself. He also has to care for the children 10 days a month - giving me the break that I desperately needed. No longer drowning, my blood pressure is back to normal, and I'm dating again for the first time in 15 years. I'm also much more patient with my children since my main source of anger is out of the picture.
08-26-2009, 04:42 PM
I haven't read the article but it sounds like a lot of parents need a break. Ha! You thought you were doing a great thing by introducing another little baby into the world. Little did you know you were unleashing the slacker whose been sleeping next to you in bed for many years. Suckers!
OK, a little harsh. I'm a stay at home dad. I've been with my daughter every day since the moment she was born. I love her. I do everything around the house (clean, cook, change diapers, repairs, etc) AND I own and run my own business. Some days are merciless and I can't help but drift off when my spouse is home. Some nights the dishes don't get done because I'm just too tired, but we make it work. It's easy to be mad at the slack our spouses should sense and run to pick up but at the end of the day we have to be strong and try to pull as much weight as we can while maintaining our sanity. The good news is it does actually get easier. For instance, my daughter can actually go to church daycare for 3 hours during the week, can hold her own bottle to feed herself and takes a daily nap. There was a time when she didn't and the difference is really a relief. I could sit all day and be mad at my wife for what she doesn't do but I think I get further for appreciating what she's able to do and knowing my family is happy. Parenting is tough but it isn't thankless- my daughter's joy at hanging out with her father is proof of that.
Hang in there.
09-01-2009, 04:04 PM
I just think guys need to stop saying crap like I work more than you. When the fact is,stay at home mom's work just as hard,whether it's different work or not. I'm so tired of women not being appreciated for the work they do,when the man wanted the woman to be a stay at home mom in the first place. We work just as hard,whether we're employed or not.
09-01-2009, 04:56 PM
Responsible: what is wrong with you?? Most of us are not b*tching about doing what you call "Woman's Work." We are annoyed at the lack of partnership with our PARTNER!! In my house, I do all of the chores (my husband has been known to do the dishes or the laundry on a whim), take care of our two children, do all of the cooking, shopping, take care of our two dogs, clean and balance the chemicals in the pool, pay the bills, etc. The only thing I don't do is the yard work. And that is because my husband has never shown me how to operate the weed wacker. He actually tells me that I can't handle it?? Are you kidding??
All we want is cooperation in what is supposed to be a partnership. I do not expect my husband to do 50% of the tasks either. I'd be ecstatic with a 25-30% help. I understand that he works hard. But so do I.
09-02-2009, 08:14 PM
This is in response to RESPONSIBLE I see your point an agree with you on this one, howeve in general most families don't work like that. I am in the army an so is my husband so obviously we both work full time an i hope that when he gets back from over seas he will help me with the housework an with our baby without me having to beg him like i have seen many of my friends do with their husbands. If you are both working outside the home than you should both have to participate in the daily chores an child rearing equally an most of the time this doesn't happen at least not without a lot of arguing an what not. An guys also need to rememeber that they aren't single anymore eithere an stop acting like they are, whether it is staying out late, spending money on alcohol, cars, hobbies etc. they need to consider their actions before they go forward with them as any consequences will effect not only them but also their family and any goals that they may have had. just a thought not trying to nag or bit** but you know yall need to grow up stop makin us take care of our children an yourselves as well.
09-02-2009, 08:21 PM
ms5or6 you are so right. My husband is over seas rightnow an even though i am doing everything rightnow i still spend every min with her if i can even when i'm at work i spend almost all my free time with her at daycare. my life is much more complicated an hectic but i love her so much an seeing her smile an laugh makes it all worth while.
09-17-2009, 05:30 PM
I love my husband and I know he's a great father. But, the one thing that bothers me the most, is when he has the day off of work and instead of letting me get some rest and take a nap or even sleep in a little late, he sleeps almost all day. And then to top it off, he complains about not getting any sleep. I mean I understand that he works a lot and he is the one providing for our family, but I am exhausted by the time he gets his day off. Not only do I take care of our three month old daughter, but I take care of my two step-daughters ages six and nine as well. Not to mention all of the other household things I do for us. I hate to say it, but sometimes I feel like his personal nanny/accountant/assistant. And I hate having to beg for a little bit of help. I feel like a bad person for being upset, but sometimes a woman just needs a break. Please tell me I'm not the only woman feeling this way. I don't really know how to ask for some balance in our relationship...hopefully mad at dad part 2 will help with that.
09-18-2009, 01:48 AM
It was so strange that I read the article "Mad at Dad" the same day I had a talk with my fiance/father of my daughter, just shy of 5 months old. My fiance and I have a very open lines of communication pertaining to our relationship and raising of our children. I also have an 8 1/2 year old son. My son's father and I seperated when he was 2 1/2 years old because he was "tired of the responsibility of the family." When we were together we constantly argued about who would do what,when, and how. It got us no where. Now that I am with my daughters father, I see similiar triggers that makes me wonder if this is normal; then I read the "Mad at Dad" article. I am so glad I am not alone. It also upsets me that there are so many people in this situation; especially with the way the economy is. In order to make it nowadays, it is almost a requirement to have a two income family if not more. What happens to the family in the process...it gets lost in the rat race. Life becomes overwhelming and families tend to become smaller because of the lost of the special times we as families, used to cherish so deeply. As the woman of my household, I definelty feel overwhelmed, between balancing my son with football, cub scouts, and 2 1/2 hours of homework (in 3rd grade), my daughter who I try hard to exclusively breastfeed (because that is what is expected from moms as the best), taking care of the house, and my fiance...oh, I guess I should be included in the middle there somewhere...it's hard to find time to breath. Don't forget to mention the pressure from grandparents and in-laws. Times have changed since our parents have had children and especially changes since their parents have had children, advise from even ten years ago is more than likely to be out dated. Thank you to all of the moms and dads out there who have brought light to this issue. I think this needs to remain a topic of discussion until the norm becomes a 50-50 partnership. This article has definelty helped to contribute to my household and we are going to try harder as a parental partnership to share the load and provide for our children. Besides...it takes more than just mom to make the baby!
10-15-2009, 04:46 PM
To Responsible: what's wrong with us is having to deal with clueless men like you--someone who devalues the 'job' of raising the next generation. Any time you want to trade your 12 hours shifts, reading mail, paying bill, exercising(!) with my job as at home mom I would be delighted to do so. By the way, you could never be able to afford to pay outside sources, i.e., nanny, maid, laundress, concubine, cook, etc. with even two lifetimes of earnings to replace bitchy, whining, complaining SAH moms!
10-22-2009, 12:26 PM
I am a stay at home mother of 11 month old twin boys. I am losing my mind! I am angry all the time. I don't understand what's going on with me. I can never get everything done. I can't stay in a routine. We also have 2 dogs a Husky a shi-tzu so any spare second I might get to my self is taken to let the dogs out. There Dad helps me a lot he does laundry when I get really behind. When I get a chance to actually cook dinner he does the dishes and cleans the kitchen. I am very lucky to have him. The dogs are also having a very hard time adjusting to the babies and are having potty problems. So I can barely even let the babies be on the floor. I can't help feeling like I'm failing motherhood because I'm not Mary Poppins. Is this normal? and what do I do to fix this? Everyone keeps telling let the house work go. It's gonna be messy it's ok. Our house is very tiny for our family. There is no room to let things go. If I do I'm tripping over everything laundry baskets, baby toys, shoes etc. Please help!
11-10-2009, 08:07 PM
I loved "Mad at Dad". My husband was a great help- at first. He was laid off for about three months. After that he decided staying at home was no big deal. Mind you, I woke up with our daughter, and cared for her until I went to work in the afternoon. All he had to do was wait for her to wake up from nap, feed her dinner (which was usually a sandwich), then bath and bed. Now I'm the stay-at-home parent, and he seems to think he doesn't need to help. He gets home at midnight, but stays up until 3 am playing video games. If I ask to sleep in because I'm exhausted, he's too tired. On days I have class (I'm trying to get back into college after having baby), he won't fix lunch unless I text him between classes and tell him exactly what to make. He's a great guy- why does he do this? If I bring it up, he looks at me like I'm retarded. Of course I help, he protests. And, after all, he "works", while I don't.
11-12-2009, 08:00 PM
*shrug* I'm waiting for the "glad at dad" series ... :-\
11-13-2009, 09:54 AM
*shrug* I'm waiting for the "glad at dad" series ... :-\
Its not in the magazine, but I made a thread here in the True Confessions a while back, called "NOT mad at dad." Several ladies posted on it as well.
11-18-2009, 09:13 AM
great report! Thanks for posting!
11-30-2009, 01:25 PM
I can totally relate to the "Mad at Dad." My husband and I just had a "discussion" yesterday evening where I thought he needed to spend more quality time with our kids. I mean when our 6 year old says, "mom, why does dad always have to do projects around the house when he comes home from work" tells me that she's longing for her dad. He is constantly doing something to fix the house or paint the house or play on the computer or play his instruments. It's never just us and family time. And it doesn't count when you go to your daughters open house for school and he's there texting messages to his friends the whole time. I mean don't you think over 70 texts in a two hour time span is a bit excessive, especially when we're at a family function??? I don't know, I can go on and on.
I can tell you a couple of stories now that aren't so "funny" in my book (and he wonders why I don't want him picking up our daughter from Religious ED) Here goes...
My 1st graders third day of 1st grade. What school parking lot did he pull up in to drop her off at school? The wrong one!!!! He went to a different school (he went to a Junior High) to drop her off for school. I was lucky that my girl is so smart and she realized it. She said, "dad, this isn't my school." "Oh yeah", he replies, "giggle, giggle, giggle." ------ And the not so funny part was is that he was just at her school 4 days prior for school orientation.
Second story - He wants to pick her up from school. <<Yes, the real one>>> And where does he go? The wrong door! She waits and waits for someone to pick her up and finally he realizes he's not at the door number I told him. ---- So of course when he tells me that he went to the wrong door, I tell him that it doesn't surprise me. And he takes offense to that. Well, should I be surprised???
Anyway, I thought I was the odd ball who felt this way. I'm so glad that I'm not the only one tending to my kids and keeping up with the house and all of the other essentials to make for a nice home to live in.
Some people think that "providing" for your family means just financially when in essence it means much more. Here are some excerpts from some websites I found:
"Providing for your wife also means taking the initiative in helping meet her spiritual needs. You do this by modeling godly character, by praying with her, by spending time together in God's Word, and by looking for ways to encourage her spiritually." By: http://www.cbmw.org/Resources/Articles/What-Should-Be-the-Husband-s-Role-in-Marriage.
Here is more:
MARRIAGE, THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE MAN
"RENDER DUE BENEVOLENCE," 1 Corinthians 7:3
1. The husband is the head of the home. This connotes leadership in the area of family life.
2. The foundation for the family and for the home is the husband's love, for without his mental attitude of love, he can expect no response from his wife.
A. Ephesians 5:25, 28, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it." "So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself."
3. The woman was made for the man, to please him, and the woman is never complete without the man. The woman only becomes complex when she has nothing to respond to.
A. 1 Corinthians 11:7-9, "For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man. For the man is not of the woman; but the woman for the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man."
4. When a man invests nothing in his marriage, he will receive nothing in return.
5. The husband's responsibility to the family does not end with being the bread winner, which is only a small part of the responsibility in compatibility in marriage.
6. The husband should initiate love, mental attitude love, expressing itself in conversation, and behavior pattern, as well as sex.
7. The husband should have time for his wife and family. The whole life of a woman is centered in her husband, while the husband has many interests.
8. The wife wants to feel wanted and protected. Her security is in the love of her husband, not in the money he earns or his social prestige.
9. So every woman needs and wants attention, she wants to feel as though she belongs. She should be protected, rather than maligned.
10. A woman is like a plant that requires sunshine and water for survival.
11. The man who lives by his ego, one who is wrapped up in his own importance, has no capacity for love. The control of God the Holy Spirit in the believer's life eliminates this ego lust pattern in the believer.
12. Some men want their wife to assume the role of a mother to them, to give care and protection and attention to them as a mother would. So, instead of the man giving, he demands this protection. This type of a man has not grown up and thinks only of what he can get, not what he can give.
Example: Some men get into problems at work, and they may then, when at home, expect their wives to answer the phone, saying they are not at home, or expect their wives to smooth-talk some critic out of his hostility for the husband. It will never work.
13. A woman wants to look with respect toward her husband. She does not want to look at him as just another child to rear and handle.
14. She needs to have a sense of security which comes from knowing that he makes decisions which are good, that he has good judgment; this develops respect, true love demands as one of its ingredients.
15. Marriage does not give the man the right of being a bully, or a brute, one who demands their rights as the head of the house with never a "Thank you." Nor does it give the wife the right to spend a lifetime trying to straighten out her husband, and to mold him into the image of her own idealism.
16. God has made the female mind and the female body to respond, and when she responds mentally or physically to her Right-man, she is the glory of the man.
A. 1 Corinthians 11:7, "For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man."
B. She was created for the man, HER MAN.
C. 1 Corinthians 11:9, "Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man."
17. The man is the guardian and custodian of the woman's soul. He must not destroy her responder. To possess a woman's body, without possessing her mind, her soul, is a fallacy. There must be mental attitude love first.
18. The establishing of rapport is the responsibility of the man and it starts with the mind.
19. There are three areas that the man must understand about the woman:
A. Her spiritual make-up.
B. Her mental make-up.
C. Her physical make-up.
20. Part of the husband's obligation and his responsibility as a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ is to please his wife and to make his marriage a success.
21. A husband must so love his wife, as Christ loved the Church, and gave Himself for it. The basis is GRACE. Giving is of the utmost importance in:
A. Sex, living, conversation.
B. Protection, fellowship, understanding.
C. And every other facet of life.
22. A woman must be free and have freedom to respond to her own husband's love, for without freedom, she will not have the desire.
23. A woman's desire toward her husband must be correlated with her volition, her free will. A man who eliminates a woman's free will, volition, destroys the whole mental attitude picture.
Buddy Dano, Pastor
Anderson Bible Church
11-30-2009, 04:01 PM
If I dared even try mentioning the first bullet in your 23 point bullet list my partner really would be "mad at dad" ... yes, partner, not wife, precisely because of this.
12-01-2009, 05:45 PM
I have lurked on these boards for awhile but I had to register simply to respond to this thread.
I read this whole thing, with my mouth hanging open, and came away with one overriding feeling: that I’m incredibly grateful for the relationship I have with my wife.
The majority of you who took the time to write diatribes on how awful your husbands are come across as either (a) incredibly naive, (b) incredibly self-centered or (c) a combination of the two. I have no desire to address individual posts, so I’ll respond to the collective with the following:
Mend your own fences before you tend to others. I’m no psychologist, but I would be willing to bet quite a bit that whatever shortcomings you feel are inherent in your husband are mirrored in his opinion of you. A functional relationship simply doesn’t operate in the way so many of you seem to feel it should. It’s mutually beneficial, mutually sacrificial, and mutually inclusive. Both partners put the best interests of their spouse first, and in doing so both come away with a better situation than they would if they put their personal needs first. What many of you are describing sounds like a scenario where you feel your husbands should give fully to you, provide fully for you, and work out his own issues himself.
Let me clarify: women and men think, act and interpret things in entirely different ways. Whether you are religious and feel this is a result of God’s design or non-religious and see it as biology, it is FACT. Your husband does not see or feel things the same way you do. That’s not to say he sees things WRONG, it’s to say he sees things DIFFERENT. I can almost guarantee that the “problems” you’re seeing with your oh-so-terrible husband stem from other issues that are most certainly a two way street. No sane man would act like an ass and purposely do things which hurt or inconvenienced his wife unless there were other actions inciting his behavior.
You want your husband to help you around the house, do the dishes and the laundry, and act more loving; all things you see as obvious, things he should do if he were decent. But are you doing the same for him? Men need two things, basically, from their spouse: to feel respected and sexual gratification. Before you all roll you eyes, consider that when I say “to feel respected” I am not saying “to feel superior.” No man I know wants to be told he’s better than his wife, or that family decisions are his way or the highway. What men do want is recognition that what they do matters, that you trust them as a leader, and that their opinions matter to you.
The second point, about sexual gratification, is a simple one. There is a saying which rings incredibly true: “the way to a woman’s loins is through her heart, and the way to a man’s heart is through his loins.”
H. Starr mentioned this, though I can’t remember if it was directly or through inference. Your husbands NEED physical intimacy from you, just as you need emotional intimacy from them. The problem is each wants something from the other, but doesn’t feel obligated or compelled to give without first receiving.
How many of you who claim your husband acts un lovingly treat your husband with respect and fulfill his needs? I’d guess none; because if you did, I can absolutely guarantee that the minor issues you quibble about would disappear.
When my wife treats me lovingly and respectfully and takes cares of my physical needs, I innately, NATURALLY feel compelled to treat her lovingly, including by going out of my way to do things which would benefit her (like all the menial tasks you’ve all complained about).
Mend your own fences. At worst you could talk to your husband, instead of badmouthing the man you committed yourself to on an internet message board in front of total strangers. I personally would be hurt enough to know my wife felt the way about me that so many of you claim to feel for your husbands, but the pain would be exponentially compounded if I found out she was proclaiming that disappointment and bitterness to the whole world. Think on that before you quickly sacrifice the father of your children for the sake of looking like a martyr.
Sorry for the rant, but this really rubbed me the wrong way.
12-02-2009, 11:50 AM
Well said, BlindBoy. :)
12-03-2009, 08:30 PM
I havent had time to read all of this thread. but the last few posts from dads have me angry. I know my situation isnt like everyone else. I got pregnant at 19 and we decided to keep the baby, which turned out to be babies. I was blessed with three beautiful boys, and the dad has stuck around BUT there is a whole lot more to being a dad than working a job that has you away from the kids all day long. You people complaining about showing respect, doing nice things for you, sex... you don't realize we moms are doing things youre not. respect that we're giving everything we have to the kids. you should too.
12-10-2009, 10:04 PM
Each half of parents are not perfect, and no one is. There are tasks that are done amazingly by mothers but poorly by dads and vice versa. It is normal. Just make sure that at the end of the day, you talk about it.
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