O Dear God No...Not The In-Laws

[afromom]

My husband's family--namely his mother and sisters--has made it their personal obligation to consistently disrespect every principle we've decided to incorporate in raising our newborn. We're both young, first-time parents; qualities his family has decidedly deemed inefficient. They interfere relentlessly--more collectively aggressive than individually--and aren't ones to take "no" for an answer. I don't want to flagrantly disregard their child-rearing "expertise," but I also would rather not feel as though I'm under constant scrutiny from Child Protection In-Laws.

I want them to feel involved in our child's life, but not at the expense of sacrificing my first (albeit very equipped) motherhood experience to appease their irrational desire to adopt her, replicate her, and distribute she and her clones amongst themselves to raise the "right" way. I'm new to motherhood, not children. It's my ultimate goal to have them become less intimidated my own child-expertise (regardless of my novice parental status) and realize that I do appreciate their years' experience--and "experience" experience--without them disqualifying my knowledge and efficiency to raise my own offspring.

Every proposal of compromise I make is met with aggression if not delivered in utmost submissiveness. My husband, who has to be away for long periods at a time, cannot always "rescue" me. How can I garner the respect I deserve (despite my age and inexperience) on my own accord, and be taken seriously? ALL suggestions welcome.

[angelbaby379]

I know how you feel, but I had my husbands family and my own doing the same. The only suggestion I can give you is tell them that if you need help or info from them you will ask but also thank them for their help. Trust me if you dont show them whos in charge when it comes to your child you will never get any peace. I hope this helps.

[Mommy2Be!]

You know I haven't even had my baby yet and I fear this exact situation. I myself am going to be a first time mom and this will be the first grandson.My in laws have always been great and respectful, I am just afraid of what will happen when the baby comes. I think my biggest thing right now is that I am being so "protective" over my unborn son right now that I want it to be just ME and ME only. But I know that will not happen!

In your situation...I would just tell them how it is. Easier said than done I know but that is what you have to do especially since hubby can't rescue you all the time. Or maybe tell hubby to talk with them about how you feel but make him address the issue as an "OUR" issue or concern that way you won't feel like it's just YOU with the issue or concern. If you are anything like me, I am a people pleaser and want everything to go smoothly and at the same time everyone to like me but....life does not always work that way. So long story short, do what you need to do to make YOURSELF happy and it will probably help if you were just honest with them. Who knows, they may not be aware of what they are doing?! Best of luck and congrats!

[newmommy1211]

I was actually having this problem with my own mother. Our son is our first child and my mother and I butted heads about everything. I was adamant that I wanted to do what I had read and what my pediatrician told me. But my mom would just keep saying, is that normal? Is that what the pediatrician said? I didn't do it that way when you were born.

The straw that broke the camel's back was when she tried to feed my then 2 month old baby water. As I am sure you know, that is a big no-no because it throws their sodium level off. I had repeated this over and over again to my mom but one day, she thought my baby looked parched and tried to give him a bottle of water. Luckily, my son won't drink it so no harm was done. But when she told me what she did, I was furious. I took my child and left without a word.

I went home and printed a news article that I had found on the Internet about a baby being hospitalized because he was fed water. In the article, I highlighted phrases like "experts say no water should be given" and words like "trauma". I gave it to my mom the next day. It scared her so much that she had put her grandchild in such harm that she immediately apologized and promised to never do anything again without getting my approval first.

Your relatives mean well but they need to realize that times have changed. Research has now found so many things wrong with what our parents did back then. You just need to make them realize that.

And if they give you the excuse that they raised you like that and you turned out fine, just tell them that they were lucky. Then print out the statistics of all the children who weren't so lucky because they did whatever you're trying to avoid.

[afromom]

Thanks a bunch for all the advice, moms. It's disquieting how utterly intrusive and overbearing families can be--and toward the MOM! You would at least suppose that the male would catch the brunt of that while the generations of mothers formed alliances of respect. I call it "gift isolation syndrome," much like the way young children become in the presence of a younger birthday girl or boy. Each little guest of non-honor becomes anxious by all the excitement of an event that doesn't focus on them. Everyone wants to help cut the cake and rip open gifts, demonstrating to the recipient the "correct" operation of each thing. Yet after everyone's had their fill playing master to the little birthday apprentice, the event becomes mundane and everyone scatters just in time to miss clean-up. I expect by the time my daughter meets her terrible-two's and troublesome-three's, visits will dwindle away and my well-meaning "guests" will have grown bored with unwarranted advice giving. Here's to that day--Cheers!