Mom Debate: Reading Someone Else's Email

[Jessica at Parenting.com]

The Editors at Parenting want to know:

Is it ever okay to read your significant other's email (presumably without their permission)?

If yes, under what circumstances?

If no, why not?

And have you ever done it? Or has it happened to you?

Reply to this message and tell us your story!

[gostomskiart]

Luckly I have never felt the need to do this. My dh and I trust each other, heck, he actually leaves his e-mail open on the computer all the time and I still don't have any urge to look through it.

Now if I was in a situation where I was suspicious of my SO doing something very wrong then probably. As for it being "okay", no it is not usually ok because privacy should be respected unless I was sure something was very very wrong and this was a way to get answers/help.

[careystarr]

It's not okay, but that doesn't mean I'm innocent. I completely trust my husband and the only reason I've ever read an open email is just to catch a glimpse at what kind of man he is when I'm not around. It's more of a 'wanting to know more about him' kind of thing for me. It's really kind of sweet too, because he has all of the old love emails I've ever sent him.. so it's fun re-reading those!

[c_helwig89]

My SO and I both have passwords for each other's accounts, because sometimes when one of us is doing something but need an important email or something asap, it's easier to go, "Hey, go check my gmail really quick please"

We don't just get into each other's stuff though. If he got into mine I would feel like he didn't trust me, and he would probably feel the same way.

Now, we start Christmas shopping in October, so from about Oct-Dec we don't get in them at all, even when asked, and the same goes for around our birthdays.

Now if I did think something was up, it wouldn't be okay, but I would probably get into his email if I had tried to talk to him and not gotten any (good) answers, and I would expect him to do the same to me. (I don't mean like cheating, I mean if one of us suspected the other of getting into drugs or something lol. I can't even fathom one of us cheating)

[brandie1127]

Its definitely not ok. But I do it anyway. I trust him, but I know too many girls that have had affairs with married men and I have always thought, you know if his wife went through his email or his phone bill just once she would so have busted them!

I went through my DH phone bill one time - just because it was on the table I started to look at who he was calling when I saw a 3 hour conversation that took place when I was at work. I researched the phone number on the net and linked it to this woman he used to work with. Granted she was like 50 BUT I don't even remember a time when he spent 3 hours on the phone with me EVER! What the hell were they talking about! <<breathe>>

I'm ok with him having female friends but I like openness and honesty. If he would have told me the next day about the conversation - it would have been ok but since he didn't it royally pissed me off! I tell him everything! I have had ex's find me on MYSPACE and you know what I told him about it.

This happened so long ago and just thinking about it now has made me boil alittle bit!

Sucks because I totally trusted him before that day and ever since then I always have this uneasiness about him that I can't get rid of. Makes me alittle sad I thought I was more secure than that - I guess I'm not.

[kissah]

I think it is okay- Insucurity is an issue with any women, I don't care what anyone says. If it wasn't we wouldn't try to dress all nice, get upset when we have a bad hair day, or wear make-up. Wether you trust him or not, I think all women need just even the littlest bit of reassurance.

[RMilbourne]

Whether or not its ok read each other's emails depends on the nature of your relationship. My husband and I have and do read each other's emails. There are limitations and restrictions. Something from a blood relative or a close friend is not to be read without the knowledge and consent of the email owner. This is to protect the privacy of the sender.

[RMilbourne]

I'm not trying to "start" anything but your insecurities seem to be a direct result of your days as an accomplice to adultery. It is of course to late now to take it back but I do have a question for you. Many women who have had sex with a married man who wasn't their husband believe all of the blame should be on the married man, would you feel this way if you did catch your husband cheating and the woman knew he was married to you, like you knew the men you were sleeping with were married to another woman?

[brandie1127]

Rm- I'm not sure who you comments are directed to, but since I'm the only one that referenced adultery I will assume you meant me. If you look at my posting you will see that it was not Me whom cheated. I knew girls in my life that had affairs with married men. I for one think it is abominable on either side. He is the one in the relationship so more falls on his head of course, but I feel that you as a person have a duty for the common good to back away from persueing anyone that you know is in any form of a relationship married or not.

Not that long ago I stopped being friends with a girl whose morals didn't match mine - one of the things leading up to us parting was her telling me she slept with a married man. I thought it was dispicable. She asked me if I thought less of her and I replied ~ Yes, I'm not 19 and single ... I'm 26 and married! I just can't relate to you!

After re reading your posting I see that you didn't say I adultered you called me an accomplice to it. In no way have I ever been an accomplice to adultery! Hope that answers your question.

[swanameeks30]

I happen to be one that has read my SO's email,without his permission or even knowing his password, after being suspicious of his behavior. And as it turns out, he was having what I term a "relationship" with another woman on both AIM and the telephone. Maybe it wasn't what you would call okay, but how many men are going to admit to doing something such as this when asked unless you have proof? I know mine would not have and so I took matters into my own hands and feel that he forfeited his right to privacy when he abused his time alone and betrayed the trust I did have.

[parisjetaime]

I think its a bad idea. Although I have never done anything that would hurt my boyfriend, I think I have said things that could be taken out of context. My mother and best girlfriend live in different cities from me so I email and chat with them a lot. I would hate for a comment I made to be taken offensively by my boyfriend. I would never want to read his email for the same reason, what if he was venting to his brother about me (which is totally fine) but I read something that hurt my feelings? I would like to avoid that.

[ra11en]

I'm one of the few that thinks it okay, with or without suspicions first. If my DH didn't want me to read his email, I would think he was hiding something. When we became man and wife, we became one. I have nothing I would hide from him, and I know the same goes for him hiding nothing from me. He willingly gives me his passwords, and he has mine too. There are normal day to day reasons I might need to check his email or vice versa. Yes, we've had instances of something being taken out of context or one of us seeing an email to someone we didn't like, but we've just always talked openly about it and it was done. We trust each other implicitly, and those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.