deciding when to have first child

[mensachef]

My wife and I both would like to have a child (or more?) but neither one of us know s when. We have been married for 3 years now and we're both 28, own our house, have careers that are successful, and are doing just fine if I say so myself. I am afraid of having a child to soon in life and messing something up (i.e. the child, our dreams, the trip to Paris, whatever). But then again I don't want to wait too long and find it's too late for her or we're the really old parents at preschool that can't participate in certain things.
When I proposed to her I knew it was the right time because I couldn't imagine life without her in it. But before I met her I never even thought of marriage. Now I can't imagine life with a child because I don't know anything about it, just like marriage before I met my wife. If I could "rent" a child for a while that would answer my questions but none of the rental companies around here carry children. And I don't think adoption centers take returns (but I could be wrong on that).
So I guess what I am rambling towards is "What is the sign that you are ready?" Is it a postcard from the government? Will someone just walk up to me and say "It's time"?
Thank you for reading this far and helping me.

[rmschmitt49]

I think that by just asking this question on a "parenting" website shows you are probably ready!
I'm also 28, but am expecting our 3rd child. I was no means ready at 22 when I had my first, but life has a way of throwing things at you. BTW: don't think that I'm any more ready for this one just because I'm older either!!
Children, whether your 1st or your 3rd, will change your life in ways you can not imagine!
So I guess I'm that person walking up to you and saying...time to start trying!! That's the funnest part anyway!

[belle51rams]

I couldn't agree more with rmschmitt49... Personally, I never saw myself having kids of my own before I turned 27. I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden I knew I wanted a child and I couldn't wait to have one. It took me until I was 29 to get pregnant {and boy was it fun getting there ;) }. When I got pregnant, I was out of a job and life was pretty much miserable and it was definitely not the "ideal" time to have a baby. But, my husband and I made it work and we couldn't be happier. I am now pregnant, at 32, with my second. For me, I was scared to wait much longer because all the risks increase plus just being able to do all the things I want to do gets harder as you get older.

I say - you sound like you are in a good place in your life and you couldn't ask for anything more. A child will bring so much more. Sure, your vacations will get messed up or you will have to work around more things, but it's all worth it in the end! Good Luck!

[ra11en]

I agree with #2 - the fact that you're asking if you're ready probably means y'all are ready. Ready enough anyway. Trust me, you can't be totally ready no matter how hard you prepare. There's no sign, there's no memo, there's nothing that will come to you that tells you "You're Ready". You're married, have a healthy marriage, good careers, etc. Do you have the longing to give a baby a loving home? Well, that's about as ready as you can get I think!

Be prepared to put life on hold for a little while - at least the trip to Paris part. My daughter is 16 months, and now she is always willing to go somewhere new and see new things, so you won't be putting life on hold forever! Your life will make room and it will adjust in ways you can't imagine. My husband and I never would have thought we could afford the $10K we spent on daycare alone last year, and yet life just adjusted where needed.

It's a very personal decision for you and your wife to make. My husband and I used to joke about the return policy on our daughter when she was a colicy newborn. Fun days! :) BTW - they aren't returnable.

[mommynbabyleah]

My wife and I both would like to have a child (or more?) but neither one of us know s when. We have been married for 3 years now and we're both 28, own our house, have careers that are successful, and are doing just fine if I say so myself. I am afraid of having a child to soon in life and messing something up (i.e. the child, our dreams, the trip to Paris, whatever). But then again I don't want to wait too long and find it's too late for her or we're the really old parents at preschool that can't participate in certain things.
When I proposed to her I knew it was the right time because I couldn't imagine life without her in it. But before I met her I never even thought of marriage. Now I can't imagine life with a child because I don't know anything about it, just like marriage before I met my wife. If I could "rent" a child for a while that would answer my questions but none of the rental companies around here carry children. And I don't think adoption centers take returns (but I could be wrong on that).
So I guess what I am rambling towards is "What is the sign that you are ready?" Is it a postcard from the government? Will someone just walk up to me and say "It's time"?
Thank you for reading this far and helping me.
What a beautiful thing when you have a loving heart, and it is even better when you have a companion to share all of that love with. That is when you should have no shadow of a doubt that the time is always right to expand your family. I am doing it alone and all of the stress is upon just me. But when you can say honey it is your turn to get up with the baby, the time is right. Good Luck

[KelEMcE]

I think that if you feel ready, you are ready. I waited until 33 because that was the right choice for me. Having kids is the BEST thing ever, and something I always wanted to do, but I can say with no uncertainty that I was totally ready and had done all those things that I felt I needed to do before I had my kids.

My fear for younger parents is that they have not been "selfish" enough yet. Because having a baby means the end of selfishness...you must always put the well being and safety of your child above your own wants. If you are ready for that, go for it. But you are no longer able to do whatever you want, whenever you want. My husband and I slept late, read the paper in bed, had sex whenever and wherever we liked, took trips just because, went out to dinner whenever we felt like it...now that we are parents, we get up early no matter what day it is, we still read the paper in bed but only at night after the kids are asleep, have sex only behind doors that lock so that we don't have to have THAT talk yet, spend days packing three suitcases for the kids and forget our stuff, go to dinner at kid friendly-places with a "dinner out" kit that includes crayons, paper, crackers, juice, assorted toys to keep everyone quiet and calm...but we LOVE our life now. We were ready. We both felt ready. We knew that I would stay home, I had achieved my career goals because I spent ten years in a career that I loved, and then we practiced living on one income.

If there's any chance that you will have regrets, that you will resent your children because they "stopped" you from doing things like seeing Paris, then wait a few years to have your kids. Or go to Paris when the kids are in college! Paris isn't going anywhere. Kids don't have to stop you from fufilling anything, but they do mean that some things are on hold. I would LOVE to write a book, but the ideas will still be there when the girls are older and in school. I look forward to resuming my career, but would rather be home with the kids right now.

As for being the "old" parents - no worries. I am nearly 40, my husband is 41, and our oldest is 6. I know moms who are 26, with 3 or 4 kids, started having kids at 19. Some of them are fine, some of them are having early midlife crises, some of them act older than we do. My husband and I still play soccer, coach their teams, run the PTA, volunteer at the ballet company. We don't feel old. Maybe our kids keep us young, who knows? But 28? That's not old!

No, you can't try one on for size. You can't return them. They don't come with instructions. You don't always get the one you thought you would. You can read parenting books, but kids don't, so it doesn't always help. When is the right time? It's like my grandmother said about knowing which frog would turn out to be the prince - I can't tell you how you'll know, but you'll know.

Welcome to the adventure of a lifetime!

[mensachef]

Thank you all for the responses. I'm still a little unsure if we are ready, but I feel closer to a making the decision. Is there anything that all of you might recommend for reading? I tried to find a pre-pregnancy book the other day, but every book I picked up started with the words "Congratulations you're pregnant!" which we're not (yet). I like to be as informed as possible before making any major life decisions and I think this counts as one.

[vteventrider]

Mensachef-

I was like you and your wife. My husband (34) and I (29) had careers, a home, a good life (and all the debt that goes with) and we just always said next year we will talk about kids. Then the next year we pushed it off again. Mainly it was me. I was terrified to become a mother! You sound like you are even more prepared than I was since you are even asking about it. I avoided baby stores and baby showers like the plague for fear it was contagious! Well, one day we had the surprise of a lifetime I was pregnant. Now what?! When I was pregnant I did everything I was told for the baby but I still had no feelings of attachment or readiness. The day I truly felt ready was the day he was born. As soon as my husband and I looked at him I knew it was the best thing I had ever done. Now I love being a parent and can't imagine my life without him. Yeah I did have to put off my plan of touring Italy and France for my 30th birthday but I am still young enough to go later and there is no view or place in this world that can ever make me feel happier then when my son smiles at me.

As for books I lived on What to Expect When You Are Expecting and What to Expect When Your Wife is Expanding was my husband's go to book. Other than that we asked other parents that we trusted and our doctor's a lot of questions.

Is it hard? YES!
Is it confusing? YES!
Do I wish he came with an instruction manual? OH YES! So much so I asked for the doctors not to forget it during my c-section.
Is it worth every minute, tear, and lost sleep? MORE THAN ANYTHING!

[mommie2marina]

My husband and I were both 19 when our daughter was born. When I found out I was pregnant with her I was 18 and just 3 months out of Marine Corps Boot Camp. I was definately surprised because I was on B.C. Pills the whole time I was in training so I wouldn't throw my system off and we were using condoms. (Obviously she was just meant to be here). It was very hard for us, but luckily we had a lot of help from my family. We got married when I was 8 months pregnant with her and we are now 23 years old and expecting our 2nd! Our daughter is now 4 and is just wonderful! She's very well behaved and smart and just perfect! So even though we were young we were (luckily) strong enough to handle the decision to have her. Now with this one, I was about 22 and I was just ready for another one! I said that even if I didn't have my daughter I would still be ready, this is like my time so we tried and after several runs of Clomid, I'm not 5 months! It's something you'll just know! But it's the most rewarding experiance EVER! I LOVE being a Mom...and that's coming from someone who never wanted kids OR a husband in the first place! Good luck!

[mensachef]

I think I have made up my mind, now I just get to tell my wife. I'm probably going to wait until her birthday at the end of the month to tell her, that should make for a good present. Thank you for all the support and help. It's very reassuring to hear that no one has any regrets or second thoughts about their own children.

Thank you all again. I'll be back soon, once the adventure begins.

[lilypaulrobinson]

I agree with #2. The fact that you are wondering when to have a child and that you do not want to wait until you are too old to have a child means that you are ready. You and your wife should probably sit down and talk and find out exactly what you both want to do.
You have a house, your jobs are successful..you are financially stable.. seems like all is prepared.