Wife & I are at our Wit's End

[Aurous]

We have 2 Boys Ages 4 & 8. Our 4 year old is currently in a stage of not doing what he is told and when he is upset or angry he completly melts down (Screaming at the top of his lungs, throws his toys and getting completely out of hand) My 8 yr old on the other hand when he does something wrong and knows he is going to get in troubble he will start to hyperventalate and freek out. My wife & I have tryed everything we can think of to get them to calm down but as of yet nothing has worked. Today we woke to find thme fighting in the living room and a Chair had been ripped to the point of needing to be reupholstred now ($400 Repair) My wife is at her wits end as so am I. Any help on this would be appreseated.

[MommaC]

Well, it depends on how bad the situation is. Do you think that family counseling would be appropriate? Are you just needing some fresh parental inspiration? Your boys sound like they're taking things to the EXTREME...any idea why? When they totally flip out like that, do they get your attention? get you emotionally riled up? manipulate the situation? When you want to change a behavior, it's important to consider (1)what sets them off and (2)what the behavior gets them. As you consider how things need to change, keep in mind that you can't just STOP a behavior...you need to replace it with the behavior you desire (and one that achieves a very similar goal for them). Your role as a parent is going to be to DE-ESCALATE. No matter how hysterical they are, you are calm and cool and in control. You keep a quiet voice in spite of their yelling. You keep a calm demeanor in spite of your desire to throw a serious fit to match theirs. You refuse to engage in any sort of argument--what you say goes. Patience and practice. You'll get there. If you've got time, check out Jo Frost's "How to Get the Best From Your Children". It's an easy read with a lot of useful, practical advice. Good luck to you!

[War_Eagle]

We have 2 Boys Ages 4 & 8. Our 4 year old is currently in a stage of not doing what he is told and when he is upset or angry he completly melts down (Screaming at the top of his lungs, throws his toys and getting completely out of hand) My 8 yr old on the other hand when he does something wrong and knows he is going to get in troubble he will start to hyperventalate and freek out. My wife & I have tryed everything we can think of to get them to calm down but as of yet nothing has worked. Today we woke to find thme fighting in the living room and a Chair had been ripped to the point of needing to be reupholstred now ($400 Repair) My wife is at her wits end as so am I. Any help on this would be appreseated.

The best thing to do is...nothing.

Now, if they're tearing your house up then, obviously, you want to punish them for that but if they're pitching a fit, then you need to just ignore it. Once they realize they're not getting the attention they're looking for, they'll stop.

Let them cry and carry on, let them kick their feet and flail their arms. You're in a battle of wills with two children and once you give in, it's over. That respect that you lose is very difficult to take back.

When Melody was little, she used to pitch fits and I would just wait for her to finish and then say, "Alright. Anything else you want to get off your chest" and then go right back about my business. She stopped as soon as she realized that I wasn't going to reward her tantrums by giving her the attention she was looking for and that stage passed pretty quickly.

[bvas81]

Aurous, what kind of disciplining methods do or have you tried? My boys are only 3 right now and when they get into the pitching a fit mode i walk them over to a corner in the house or any quiet place and i usually let him let it out there.

[cay8099]

I agree with everyone who's posted so far. I tend to walk away from fits, and come back when the fit is over to hand out punishment. By walking away you are showing them that the fit will not get undeserved attention, and the punishment will be had. You need to make sure that they are still punished for bad behavior. Replace bad behavior by rewarding the good behavior. When my niece and my son fight over something I take it away. If the coveted item is not present they can't fight over it. When they share like they are suppose to I reward by giving back the item with a warning to share, or they will lose it again. Depending on the fight I use seperate corners, in seperate rooms, where they cannot see each other. Time in the corner seems to be a more effective timeout for us. Good Luck.