I'm so furious at my girl

[Ed in Texas]

I am so mad at my 3yo girl, and I am so disappointed in myself that I can get this mad at her.

We just had a new baby just a few days ago. Sleep is a little short, and we've had a lot of family time (read: maybe some cabin fever).

I figured my 3yo would be turned upside down with a new child at home, now taking away some of her attention. But I don't know how to deal with her actions, I'm the one who is upside down.

The example tonight is she said she was hungry. I took her into the kitchen to make chocolate milk. I filled the scoop with chocolate milk powder, and handed it to her. She poured the powder into the cup, then threw the scoop onto the floor. She knows I don't like it when things get thrown on the floor. I said "don't do that, you know I don't like it when you do that." She cocked her head and gave a half smile and wouldn't look at me in the eyes, and walked out of the room.

I got furious. The thoughts that went through my head -- what should I do? Yell at her? Grab her by the wrist and spank her?

It's like it's obvious she wants attention. But there I was, *giving* her the attention, *before* she acted out. I don't understand why she acts out precisely when I'm taking steps to bring us closer. Well, trying to anyway. And then when I get upset, it's like it doesn't bother her.

This type of thing has happened a number of times in the last couple of days, since bringing baby home. I'm trying to keep my cool but I just don't understand her behavior, and I've snapped and yelled at her a couple of times, and spanked her once. I don't think that my reactions are productive, but the other thing I can think of doing -- ignore it all -- doesn't seem productive either. There's got to be another way of dealing with her behavior.

Any ideas?

Ed

[cay8099]

Special daddy daughter time. I know this may be dificult with the new baby, but it could help. She needs to feel secure with her position in your heart, and her new position as big sister. Getting her involved with helping to take care of the baby, and praising her for being a good big sister will help tremendously. Let her hold the bottle so she feels like she's helping, ask her grab a diaper so you can change the baby, take her out to buy a special teddy bear from big sis for the baby, if she asks to hold the baby let her while you're sitting there: These are ways to help build a bond between siblings. Remember that you all have made the family bigger, and your 3yo needs to be included as much as possible. When you are on the floor with the baby encourage your daughter to sit and talk to the baby too. Praise for good behavior is key. When she is sure that your love for her hasn't changed you will see major improvement in her behavior.

[cay8099]

I thought of something else....If you call the baby "the new baby" then you need to stop doing that. Her 3yo mind will think like this: new is good, old is bad. I don't play with my old toys anymore, are mommy and daddy gonna stop playing with me? So if you have said "the new baby", fix it by calling your daughter the new big sister for a few days. I hope this was helpful, and congratulations on your baby.

[justadad]

Furious? Even if she spills the milk all over the floor don't get furious. It's still a petty thing. Worry more about getting pregnant or drugs, alcohol, rape, kidnapped, but I digress.

Make sure she understands there is only one thing more precious in a dad's life than a little girl and that's two little girls. :) Neither of which is more precious than the other just that the little one needs more help since she's a baby. Hold them both at the same time and talk to big sister and little sister telling them both are equally precious to you telling them if big sister thinks dad is spending more time with little sister, then it's because she's a baby and can't do the things that big sister can do. Of course you'll have to spend time separately with big sister doing little 3-year old girl things with her. I don't remember what, bed time stories, taking her to Clare's at the Mall to buy "big girl" things, taking her to the park, what else? Tons more. What ever she wants to do in general.


As far as the chocolate milk thing, well chocolate and sugar not too good to give them at night but even if she still throws it on the floor, don't get too upset over a petty thing: just open your mouth in surprise and disappointment and ask her to please pick it up even if she does a crummy job of doing so and then just forget about it. Don't forget to tell her you love her after bed time story.

[MommaC]

You're tired, and she's trying to figure out how everything fits in this new family configuration. She might feel de-throned so definitely try to give her positive attention when you can and take time to be just with her (even if it's only a short time). In situations when she's deliberately trying to set you off, don't be set off. She's fishing for that emotional reaction--don't give it to her. You don't have to blow it out of proportion or ignore it. You can set her on the floor tell her to pick it up (calmly but firmly). After she picks it up, lift her back up and continue with a positive tone. It shows you're not going to take the crap, you're not going to let her get your goat, you are going to be an in-control parent, and you are going to love her no matter what. You're tired. I understand. We all make mistakes. Just give it your best. Good luck! :)

[kellbellb]

CAY8099 that was awesome advice! Definitely getting her involved in fun baby stuff like giving the baby a special gift especially from her. It could even be a toy she finds special, she might feel really good about handing it down to her little sis. I think talking positively about big sister little sister stuff will help too, like telling her all the fun things she'll be able to teach her little sis might get her excited and start focusing out instead of focusing in! Good luck and congrats.

[jasmine89]

you seem like you are very tired an fustrated also..but
you have to understand she is going to try to do anything'
to get all of you attention. just becuz she is not use to it being her daddy an
the new baby..
so she is alittle upset becuz she thinks she is no longer daddys angel anymore
so she is acting out to let you know she is very upset about the situation
..also you can find little things to do with her..like when the baby is sleeping..(i know you are tired) but give her all your attention talk to her..or do little things like ask her to help you make lunch. or ask her what she wants to eat.
that might help

[lena241]

Why are you furious with her? She is acting out, as expected. Just think about the time you and your wife spent with her (and her alone) before the baby came. It can only be expected that she do things to get your attention. I know with my DD, (4), when my husband (Not her bio father) and I married and moved into together a year ago, she definately went thru the change. She did every bad thing you can think of, including biting, scratching, yelling, temper tantrums, telling me she didnt love me anymore, telling me she was moving back to our old house, etc. She didnt stop for months. We were patient with her during the transition, although difficult. We made sure we each spent special time with her alone, and then as a family. She slowly came around and accepted us as a family unit.

We are now expecting a second baby in January. We have worked very hard to include her in all aspects of the baby coming. She goes to Dr appointments, we read books about it, she helps when new baby gifts arrive, etc. But dont think for (1) minute that we are not going to experience another round of acting out. We are actually planning on it. My DH and I have already discussed how we will try to spend individual time with her, while juggling another baby. We have our kids gloves out and ready......
Good Luck to you. Remember, she is just a baby herself and maybe just needs a little reassurance right now!