No interest in sex

[katielynn]

I have had absolutely no interest whatsoever in sex since my son was born 5 years ago. I know a lot of other moms I talk to who secretly feel the same way.

What's wrong with us?

[ra11en]

Have you talked to your doctor about it? Could be a hormone imbalance, never know. Did you have a high interest in it before the birth of your son?

I hope you get some resolution on it. I couldn't live without that time with my husband, or the stress relief that comes with it now that we have the baby! Good luck!

[ljnicklow@yahoo.com]

I have noticed that when i am highly stressed that i lose interest in sex. Now she is right if it has been this long try talking to your doctor they can help. But also try relaxing get away. I noticed when i go out with my girlfriends and leave my husband at home with the kids is always nice.Again talk to your doctor also try relaxing some.

[KelEMcE]

My best friend and I talk about this all the time. It's like the dirty little secret that no one wants to admit to or something. I think a lot of women are in the same boat! I really think that it's a combination of never finding enough time to do everything on our lists, not feeling listened to and understood, and just plain old exhaustion and stress. It can feel like it's just ONE MORE THING on the to-do list, you know? But on the other hand, once you're there, you're bound to enjoy yourself. So I think sometimes the answer is to "just do it", no pun intended. But you have to figure out what will help you get in the mood, like having your husband do dishes or put the kids to bed while you soak in a bathtub or work out. I find that if I work out more, pay attention to myself, give myself some TLC, then I am more likely to be responsive. And the more you have, the more you are interested in having! Not to be too personal, but you can mix it up and make it silly and funny.

But I agree, you should talk to your doctor to rule anything medical out.

[shann346]

i hear ya! i think the lack of interest is really just that we have so much else to focus on -- work, kids, sleep, laundry, what's for dinner.

it's easy to forget how much fun it was having an active sex life w/ my husband. but, he hasn't forgotten. so lately, it's been about rekindling the old fire. we try to find a little quiet time when the baby is asleep, turn on some music, have a glass of wine ... and i will leave the rest up to your imagination. i don't think the passion is ever gone between two people who are truly in love; sometimes it's just hibernating and needs to be woken up.

[lilypaulrobinson]

Being a mom requires a lot, especially if you have more than one child. Mom's have to think about their children, husbands, housework, etc. and sometimes you get so caught up in everything you get too tired.
You should see your doctor,though. I'm sure you'll feel better after you've gone for an appointment.

[ra11en]

Along the same lines as #4 alluded to - once you start, you rarely regret having made time for it after all is said and done. I've found that I rarely turn down my husbands advances, even if I don't feel all that up to it at first. I know if I give him a few minutes to "plead his case", I am always very happy I didn't brush him away like my initial reaction tends to be. He always reminds me why we started this journey to begin with; good old fashioned lust. :)

Of course, if I really am not up for it, I'll tell him forget about it and move on. Being hounded about it by the hubby only makes me dig my heels in further!

[KelEMcE]

As an experiment, just for fun, we started a "no saying no" rule a couple of years back. No matter what, we couldn't say no to the other one when it came to sex. We put a cap of two weeks on it. It worked.

Our best tip: as SOON as the kids are asleep, before you do dishes or get on the computer or turn the TV on, lock your door and spend couple time together. Even if you don't feel up for much, at least you can kind of reconnect, and who knows what will happen?

[minrin08]

OMG, a kindred soul.

I can so totally relate to the sex-drive thing being on snooze. We have two little girls, 4 and almost 1. When we sold our townhome in preparation for an out-of-state move, we were renting an apartment for a few months. We figured, "well, it's a new place, let's let Mia sleep with us. She's soooo cute and cuddly ...." You can all pretty much figure this one out. A very temporary situation turned into a nearly 2-year long situation, with our then 2-year old daughter sleeping with us until she turned 4. And by then, I had just had our 2nd daughter, Corinne, who is going to be 1 next month.

So, the upshot? At least one child, if not both, have been camped out in our bed. This leaves me and Fred (my hubby) the option of going into another room or downstairs, after everyone is asleep to try to get busy. Not only am I FRIED after a long day with my two girls, but it turns intimacy into something so calculated, just killing the spontaneity and freedom we once had.

Fred is so painfully aware of this, as am I. I was thinking early this morning, what would we do if we had a 48-hour period of time without needing to worry about our girls, and someone we absolutely trusted offered us this time away just for the two of us? Well, duh..... see above. But also, we'd sleep. On our stomachs. Spread out all over a king-sized bed. Without getting a foot in our faces. Then we'd go to a movie and hold hands like we used to. Then to dinner, where we'd laugh and be silly together. After dinner, we'd go get an ice cream cone and sit outside and people watch, enjoying ice cream dripping down our chins. Fred's hallmark, and what made me fall head over heels for him? His sense of humor. That's still intact, thank goodness, but where do we ever get the time to just enjoy each other? God, I remember clinging to my husband, so excited just to see him walk through a room. Now, we are both parents and are so exhausted .... man, where did it all go?

Anyhow, thanks for listening.

Elizabeth

[jennharje]

There's nothing wrong with us! That's biologically how we are designed. Men can have an infinite number of offspring; women cannot. Therefore, as we age and/or have more children, our sex drive decreases. That's how it works! Unfortunately, men are not designed the same way and literally need sex to feel fulfilled. If your man is willing to fulfill your needs whatever they may be (laundry, babysitting, affection, etc.), then you should fulfill his needs too. Let him know what you need and then compromise together. Everyone will get something they need to be happy. KelEMcE was right - you will enjoy yourself once your there. Just make sure it's clear what you need too. Many of us ignore ourselves and concentrate on everyone else. Good luck!

[pwmomof2]

Hello all, I am Irene and new to the boards. I am sooo glad I am not the only one that feels this way. Actually this is why I came across this site, because I was trying to do some research on the subject. My husband and I got married in June of 2002. I went on Depo Provera a week before our wedding only because I had no time to find a doctor. I went off the Depo two years into our marriage a got pregnant within two months. I have had no desire for sex since starting this shot. I used to have a very healthy sex drive. Once dd#1 was born, I decided to try the nuvaring. It was ok, but it was such a pain trying to get it in all the time and it cost alot of money since you had to replace it every month. We decided at that point, that we would just try and be careful. We did want another child, but have some time between. I had my second child 10 months ago. I still have no desire for sex. I love my husband very much and don't have a problem with being intimate or flirty. I love to touch and hold hands and things like that. I sometimes get anxiety thinking about if he's going to want sex this night and so forth. I am ok somewhat once I get into doing it, but I dread getting into it. It really bothers me because I used to love being aroused and having foreplay and all that.

[myboysmom]

You know, this is going to sound a little silly, at least it would to me. But last night for instance. It had probably been almost 2 weeks, and of course, my DH was bugging me for sex. If any of you have read my recent posts, I haven't been feeling myself lately. Anyway, we sat down to watch tv, and one of those stupid HBO/Cinemax pornos was on. So, we left it there and just watched it together. Well, after we got ready and went to bed, he rolled over to me and I was more in the mood than I was when he had said, "You wanna do it?" Why do guys say that, anyway?? Do they really think that sounds good in their head?? Anyway, my point is, the cheesy porn was like 30 minutes of mental warm-up with no pressure, so when he tried again, it wasn't so out-of-the-blue.

I wish guys would realize that for most women, it is a slow process to get really hot and bothered.

[gaigeaaron]

pwmomof2 im in the same boat you are. i had a healthy sex lfe before the depo shot and when i came off of it i had no sex drive. it has been almost 8 years now (2 possibly3) kids later and still no sex drive. i too felt the anxiety of will he want it tonight or will he wait till tomorrow and then tomorrow would be the same way... they we he did ask or try to start something i felt more like a sex object then a wife/fiancee. it started so many arguments. i wonder if the shot messes up your hormones or something.

[ccmommy]

Thank GOD I'm not alone!!! I had an incredibly healthy sex drive...until my husband and I moved in together and I stepped into instant mommy-hood via stepson, and less than a year later number two is on the way. About three months after we moved in together I noticed the change. I just didn't CARE about sex anymore. How was I supposed to work 60 hours a week, raise a child, keep a house, and satsify my very intense husband with the Latin Libido? (no seriously he's half Puero Rican) He and I have had the ONLY fights in our relationship about sex...and they all start out the same "Honey, where did my girl go???" I laughingly told him once that she was buried under laundry and dishes and he should put all that away and look for her there... but even splitting the chores up didn't help. Things have gotten slightly better because I'm always willing to *ahem* satisfy him in some way even if I'm not in the mood. He's my husband and deserves to be happy and that is kinda what I signed up for. The problem being... I used to LOVE sex...craved it...craved HIM *literally* like...would leave work on my lunch break if he had the day off type of stuff! Where did that GO??? I miss that girl!!! LOL

My doctor says I'm fine...it's just "stress"...but how do I get "unstressed..." when there is just so much to do in a day? On top of which, I was SO excited when we got pregnant because all of my girlfriends who'd had kids said preggers sex was so great and you just want it all the time etc. etc. etc.

yea, NOT so much. I have a harder time "enjoying" myself... I don't feel sexy at ALL... and I want it possibly less than I did before. It's been very disappointing for me. He tends not to notice as much anymore because like I said, I take care to keep my husband a happy camper...but still. :-( I want to WANT it and I want to be able to REALLY enjoy it as often as we used to... it just feels very unfair!!! :-(

[alleycat]

I am so glad to vent about this issue with women going through the same thing.I had a baby 7 months ago. I had a rough delivery and had an episiotomy, so my recovery period was lenghty. On top of that I am exclusivly breastfeeding. I feel tired all the time and no desire in sex. I do not even want my husband to touch me or show affection because I feel that it will lead to sex. I still find intercourse uncomfortable due to the episiotomy and read on line that it is casued by scar tissue. My husband does not understand that I am with a baby 12 hours/day ( I am lucky my lttle one sleeps all night), trying to keep up with the home, work out, playgroups and breastfeed. I use to feel atractive but now my hair is pulled back, eye brows are not waxed and none of my prepregnacy cloths fits me.I feel like i need to go on the Oprah show for a make-over. I do not know why I have no desire for sex, maybe it is hormones or just the fear of becoming pregnant again. All I know is that I feel like sex is just like a chore, every week or so I need to get "it" done.

[brandie1127]

He may be to blame too! I know that the longer we have been together my DH has gotten really lazy in the fourplay dept. He just expects to be able to "stick it in". See a while ago we discovered the fun of "drunk sex" yeah theres no need for forplay there, get some liquor in me and it's over. Now that I'm pregnant we obviously can't have drunk sex and I have relized how lazy he's gotten. He's actually relied on the whole drunk thing I think! Sometimes he'll do the "wiener dance" he pretty much just shakes it at me and I'm supposed to jump up, rip all my clothes off and be raring to go. That just pisses me off because I recognize it as him not doing any work and I start off in an annoyed mood! Don't they realize fourplay starts in the morning! Hey you can turn me on just by doing some dishes these days!

[luckymama2]

I agree, JUST DO IT! Honestly, once you do and it feels sooooo good, you'll be glad you did and probably want more of it. It also releases feel good hormones and that 'high' will probably leave you wanting more soon. I honestly couldn't go a week without (LOL)....like when I have my period towards the end of it, I just cannot wait for it to be over with! Also, I like reconnecting with my husband and that feeling of intimacy that only he and I can do for each other. We also do a lot of foreplay fun so maybe start there....I do agree, he is your husband, you should satisfy his needs. I don't make my husband 'work' for it, although he does naturally help with the kids here and there, but the way I see it, sex satisfies me just as much him so its a mutual thing. So, tonight, honestly, just do it.

[shadowanna]

I feel like I shouldn't be posting here, but I want to offer another opinion.

I was on the Depo shot years ago, and my husband and I would joke that the way the Depo made sure you didn't get pregnant, was by making you not want to have sex. I got off of it after six months, and my sex drive returned shortly.

To the woman who said it was natural to have your sex drive take a nose dive after kids because you have already fulfilled your natural purpose: I've had 4 kids and I have a very high sex drive. In the last 3 months, my bf and I have only gone without sex 2 days, due to headache one night and a sick child the other. It isn't natural for you feel no sex drive for an extended period of time. Sure, short term, there is stress, or illness, or the like, but it shouldn't be long term. More than 6 months or so, and you need to look for another cause.

Another thing that women with low sex drive should look into is depression. One of the symptoms of depression is "loss of desire for things you used to enjoy." Alot of you women have talked about stress being a big factor; well, stress can lead to depression. Of course the down side to that is that SOME (READ: NOT ALL) anti-depressant medications can lower sex drive or make it hard to orgasm. Make sure you talk to your doctor about your options so you don't just exasterbate the problem.

[laughingvenus]

You are not alone. There is a book called "365 Ways to Weasel your way out of Sex" that you can get at www.laughingvenus.com. It is hilarious and brings humor to this difficult topic. I bought one for myself and one for everyone of my girlfriends!

[alleycat]

hey everyone. Thank-you so much for your comments. But I have good news. My sex drive is slowing coming back. As I started to wean my baby from breastfeeding to go back to work, my period came back and so did my sex drive. I still feel tired from time to time, but I started exercising and feeling better about myself. A little more ...sexy! So for all of you who were in the same boat as me, take care of yourself. Relax (when you can), exersise, eat well and it will come back, just give it some time.

[magireis]

I feel the same way, before kids it seems i was the one who wanted sex more than my husband but since my daughter who is almost 3 was born sex for me isn't the same. I would not mind not having sex for weeks even months and not even miss it, for now i just do it because i know my husband wants it and i want to see him happy, i am not sure if its because i am so self councious of my body, after two kids my body is not what it used to look and i feel so unatractive that i don't feel sexy at all..its sad and i hope it will change what i feel!!!

[kelly23]

Something that helped me was reading. My sister let me borrow 2 books by Lisa Kleypas called Sugar Daddy and Blue Eyed Devil. They are great books and have some really good sex scenes in them and reading those got me in the mood for later. My sex drive is finally coming back after about 2 years of a big nose dive. When I get some extra money I am going to buy every book this lady has ever written!

[juarez514]

In a very rare case, this situation is the opposite for me. My partner seems to not be interested in getting intimate as much as me. I feel like a vixen compared to him. And now that I am pregnant with our third baby and knowing it's a girl, he's totally hands off :( There's no way to convince him, he has this mental issue knowing there's a little girl inside me. To be honest, I don't believe I'll be the little vixen I use to be after giving birth in a few months.

[Willbearsmom]

Its just stress! If you are wanting to get your sex drive back there are some things you can do! One is aromatherepy stuff! Cucumber is supposed to help women in that area! Also after I gave birth I needed to work out and I didn't feel sexy at all so I got me the Carmen Electra strip tease aerobics! Don't worry there isn't actually any striping that goes on. But that helped a lot!! Does your husband try to get you in the mood too?

[LaurenEileen]

Oh I hear you - loud and clear, and most of my girlfriends feel the same way - I'm all set with sex most of the time!! UGH! I wish I had more sex drive, I really do.

[andrearosas]

i am the total poposite i think more about sex..... sometimes i think that that bothers my husband

[andrearosas]

some one tell me you feel the same

[Mandy1210]

Hey all. My husband and I have some friends that had a baby around 5 months ago. My husband and his guy friend have been really close for a long time, but its not the same for his wife and I. I mean, I guess we are friends, but not close enough to talk about things like their sex life. So anyway, apparently they have not had sex at all since the baby was born, and my husbands friend is starting to become very anxious. They want me to talk with her about the issue, but I just don't feel really comfortable with it. I suggested that we watch the baby for a night to give them some time together and that maybe they could talk about it and what they've been feeling since the baby was born. Does anyone have any ideas on what might be hindering their sex life? Should I really step in to this and start asking questions?
Thanks girls.

[laughingvenus]

Everyone feels this way on occasion. For some comic relief for yourself or a girlfriend, pick up the clever book "365 Ways to Weasel Your Way Out of Sex...What Every Woman Should Know." Some highlights include:

* Stalling techniques – suggested methods to kill time while waiting for your partner to fall asleep, such as No. 27: Lie with your child to help them “get to sleep” … of course you accidentally fall asleep yourself. Or No. 55: Whiten your teeth.

*Turn-off tactics – physical or mental activities to get out of …, such as: No. 160: Suggest “talking about your feelings ..” Or No. 179: Bring up your father/mother-in-law.

* Special situation excuses – as in day-to-day, pregnancy and holidays, including No. 278 and No. 279: Tell him you need to hid the Easter eggs … or fill the Easter baskets. Or No. 299: Christmas – since the malls are open to midnight, stay until close.

The end of the book highlights emergency diversion techniques and what “never” to do. Including never be home when No. 354: He returns from fishing, hunting or any other trips to the wilderness.

Check out www.laughingvenus.com

[karen90210]

Yes, me too. Tell you that my husband can be a real idiot at times.
I have no interest in him anymore after the kids were born.