What is wrong with me...?

[rifflynnane]

I have always dreamed of having my very own little boy and to be able to dress him in all the cute little boy outfits. Well finally after two girls, who I love just as much, we were pregnant with out very own little boy and I was so excited. Things in me and hubbies relationship went down hill, esp after our son was born. Well after 6 months and our kids at families, we patched things over mainly. Now here I am and I look at my soon, whom I have cared for from birth until a month and from 6 months until almost 9 months now and some days I just can't help but despise him. Other days I love him and I don't mind holding him or playing with him but then there are days I don't even want to hear him. I know these feelings are wrong and I feel like a horrible person and hubby has did great trying to understand me and my problems and I am trying to get help but right now we can't afford anything but the free help and I will have to wait until nov to go in. We are trying to get to DHHR to get help but we won't be able to go until next week at the earliest. Ugh, I just know there are so many people who don't understand me and they judge me, some days even hubby will do that. I feel horrible and I am scared and I just want to run away so I can't hurt anyone or let anyone down. I don't feel like I am cut out to be a mother because of these feelings, I tend to be a perfectionist anyways.

[LisasMom1526]

Some people just have trouble with this sort of thing after they have their babies. I know I did. One thing that helped get me through was listening to a band called Blackmore's Night. The band consists of a husband and wife team that just had a baby last autumn. The singer is the wife, Candice Night. I find her so inspiring. She's continued to have a career and a life even with her family.

I'd recommend listening to some of her music. It's focused on the present rather than the past and the turning seasons. It's very soothing. You can check her Facebook profile at www.facebook.com/officialcandicenight. I think there's links to songs on there too (I mostly have her CDs).

But you should definitely continue to get the help you can. I had to see a psychologist for a few months after I stopped breastfeeding my baby. And even now I still feel depressed every once and a while, but it's getting better the more distance I put between me and the birth.

Just remember that it will get better. If it isn't better it isn't over. You will make it through.


-Shirley