05-30-2011, 01:45 AM
I have always dreamed of having my very own little boy and to be able to dress him in all the cute little boy outfits. Well finally after two girls, who I love just as much, we were pregnant with out very own little boy and I was so excited. Things in me and hubbies relationship went down hill, esp after our son was born. Well after 6 months and our kids at families, we patched things over mainly. Now here I am and I look at my soon, whom I have cared for from birth until a month and from 6 months until almost 9 months now and some days I just can't help but despise him. Other days I love him and I don't mind holding him or playing with him but then there are days I don't even want to hear him. I know these feelings are wrong and I feel like a horrible person and hubby has did great trying to understand me and my problems and I am trying to get help but right now we can't afford anything but the free help and I will have to wait until nov to go in. We are trying to get to DHHR to get help but we won't be able to go until next week at the earliest. Ugh, I just know there are so many people who don't understand me and they judge me, some days even hubby will do that. I feel horrible and I am scared and I just want to run away so I can't hurt anyone or let anyone down. I don't feel like I am cut out to be a mother because of these feelings, I tend to be a perfectionist anyways.