I need advice....bigtime..

[green67]

Ok,this is the situation,my girlfriend has a 14 year old son. She shares custody on a 50/50 agreement with her ex. Last week his dad let him spend the night at his 14 year old "bff" house. The bff is a girl. My girlfriend is beside herself. He asked to spend the whole weekend with her (the bff) this week,her (my girlfriends) week and she said NO!!! It's inappropriate!!!..then she got the whole "you don't love me!!I hate you!!!Dad let me do it!!!" B.S...believe me there was much more to the conversation and when I offered input he stormed out and said it's none of my business. Both of us know this is completely wrong and the Dad shouldn't allow it. His response to her was it was it's his week and he can do what he wants. So now her and I have this 14 year old who threatens to hurt himself or runaway to his Dad's house or where ever. is the Dad just guilty of bad parenting or is this something to get the authorities involved? Is this a form of neglect? or abuse? I know once you open the CPS can of worms it's a whole different life for everybody. I'm really stuck here. How do we deal with this guy?(the dad)

[theoneman]

Would be ideal if Dad could be made to realize the sleep-over is inappropriate but I don't think he will. I'll talk to Mom below because it's easier to write:

I think you ladies handled this wrong by getting (probably) very emotional about this. It's not something for the authorities and I think they would tell you that if you contacted them.

What does Dad think about them having sex? He want's his boy to get laid and doesn't realize the consequences of that at 14 right? And the fact you're divorced just makes the discussion with Dad about it virtually hopeless. I think the best you can do is try to talk to your son about those consequences but you've already damaged your communication link with your son by getting upset about the matter. He's not going to be very receptive to you now. Maybe a little psychology could help but maybe you'll not approve:

Tell your son, in a calm manner that even though you disapprove of the sleep-over, you were wrong to get so upset but the reason you did is that you're worried about them having sex and him getting her pregnant. That 14 is quite young to start having sex but that is usually (unfortunately) when teens start thinking about it and at 14, they usually don't understand the consequences of being sexual. He's not going to want to talk about sex with you however I think . . . bribe him . . . just for a few minutes to talk about things, about sex things, maybe five minutes and you'll do something for him or buy him something he's wanted for a while, or whatever he (reasonably) wants. He'll do it I think. So now you got him where you want:

Tell him you know teens can do a lot of sexual things other than intercourse but that those things (such as B.Js, J.Os, going down on the girl or feeling her up) cause people to get in the mood to want to have intercourse. Does he know how a girl gets pregnant? Will she always get pregnant anytime she has intercourse? What determines that? The egg and the semen of course. He knows when two people have intercourse, the feelings cause a boy to ejuculate semen inside a girls vagina? And if she's ovulating (and everything else is just right), she could or very likely would become pregnant? What does ovulation even mean? And that pulling it out before he ejuculates often does not work? And a condom can be worn by the guy to catch the semen and thus usually prevent pregnancy but even those can break and still lead to a pregnancy? But that guys will often not want to wear one because it feels awkward but that they should absolutely do so because a teen pregnancy is one of the worst things that can happen to a teen because they are just too young to take care of babies so put up with the awkwardness so you can have fun in your teens and twenties. Ask him to try and postpone having sex but you realize it's up to him to make that decision and if he does, he needs to be aware of the consequences and a teen pregnancy will drastically change his life and having sex (intercourse) at such a young age is just not worth the risk of an unwanted pregnancy. And if if really understood what a teen pregnancy involved he'd agree with you as hard as that is to believe.

Maybe though you've had sex talks with him and he knows all of this already. Dad should have been doing that for several years now but I realize many parents do not. Try more to get Dad to see the light. Tell him someone who knows what a teen pregnancy is like told you so.

[dohzig]

do you know for sure that anything inappropriate is going on? how do you know that they aren't just that: best friends. one of my 12 year old daughter's closest friends is a boy and i've let them have sleepovers and nothing's happened. then again, they are just 12 but still. it sounds like there are some trust issues going on here that need to be discussed as a family. if this friendship is merely innocent, you're on your way to causing major embarrassment and possibly destroying a perfectly amazing friendship for this boy.

as for the father, I think the best course is to sit him down and talk, calmly. explain your side and listen to his. maybe he knows something you don't. there's only one way to find that out: talking. calling the authorities at this point is a huge mistake.

if you know for a fact that this is a sexual relationship then that's a whole other can of worms. but talking it out is (and should be) the first step. always.