View Full Version : Anyone else not into sex?
09-20-2008, 12:03 PM
My son is now almost 16 weeks and I am really not interested in sex. Everything my husband does just irritates me, but at the same time I love him unconditionally and I don't want him to change because he's trying soooo hard to be helpful. He tries to be sweet and romantic, but it just doesn't work. I get irritated with the fact that there's tons of laundry to be done, dishes to be washed, floors to be vacuumed, and on top of all of that the bed sheets haven't been changed in quite a while. God only knows what's growing on those. So right now everything around me just irritates the crap out of me, and he wants sex. Really? Why do I feel so blah about it all? I absolutely love my hubby to death and am extremely attracted to him, but when we "plan" sex just the idea of it makes me think of all the other things I'd enjoy much more. Like putting away the piles of laundry that have been sitting around the bedroom since we moved in. Or making myself dinner and getting to eat it while it's hot, without hearing the baby cry and my husband get agitated trying to deal with him. I have no energy and I really don't feel sexy. I have lost a lot of the baby weight and that makes me feel good, but not good enough to do the deed. Has anyone else gone thru something similar where they lost interest? If so, what did you do to fix it?
09-20-2008, 01:49 PM
I felt that way during pregnancy, mostly because of the morning sickness and fatigue. But, now after almost 3 months, I am addicted to it. In the beginning I wasn't, but after a while of losing baby weight, and buying myself new close, I have felt so much more confident. Lately, I demand my daily shower and atleast a 20 minute nap. And that makes me feel so much better and gets me really in the mood.
09-20-2008, 04:15 PM
check out my thread "no sex drive"I got a lot of great feedback about this, my hubby and I have made a pact that we will schedule sex twice a month right now and in exchange he will leave me alone the rest of the time! I do love him too but sex is the last thing on my mind right now but I know I needed to give in sometimes.
09-20-2008, 04:36 PM
Been there! (And still am to a certain extent.) I read about this ravenously after having our daughter. Not that I ever really had a sex drive to begin with, but it was even worse after baby. A book that I found helpful was "Sheet Music" by Kevin Leman. The key sentence was "Sex begets sex". Basically, the more you do it, the more you'll want it (or at least the less you'll hate it!). And I can vouch for that. Force yourself into it. Once the ball gets rolling, it's much easier to move. ;) Good luck to you!
09-20-2008, 06:49 PM
darwinsgirl, I could have written your post exactly!! My son is 8 weeks old, and I have two other boys. The laundry is piled up, the dishes are piled up, and yes, the bed sheets need changed. :) My husband is very frustrated with me, and I don't blame him, but I told him that it's not him, it's me. I also told him to please be patient with me, b/c every time he grabs me or asks for sex, it's just one more thing I feel guilty about. We're still working on it, and we have had sex a few times since my son's birth, but I'm not back into the swing of it yet. He even said tonight he was going to help on the housework, so hopefully he'll follow through, then I'll feel like following through. ;)
09-21-2008, 01:06 AM
Okay, so we didn't clean house. But we did go out as a family to supper with friends, then met up with some more friends for bowling afterwards with all of our kids. Nobody yelled, or got mad. We bowled and the kids bowled, and it was a lot of fun. Get home and put the boys to bed. We each do our own thing for about an hour, then of course he starts getting frisky. Well, we start with just kissing for probably 15 minutes, and that was wonderful. How often do we just "make out" with our husbands like we did when we were first dating them? And doing that simple thing, with no hint that sex HAD to follow was enough to get me in the mood, and it was great! (Sorry if TMI) If only our husbands/SO would understand the whole man/microwave, woman/oven theory, they would probably get what they want more often!
09-21-2008, 09:53 AM
myboysmom~ That theory is sooo very true! I came home yesterday to a freshly made bed, some laundry done, and an otherwise tidy house (as tidy as when I left it at least). I did have to do the primary baby duties, tho he was kind enough to rock the baby to sleep so I could have my shower. That really helped! Put me in enough of a mood to cuddle with him, which was just what I needed to give him what he wanted. Hopefully I'll be able to communicate with him enough to get help where I need it so that I can find time to think about focusing on us.
Thanks everyone for the advice! It's nice to know I'm not alone and still somewhat normal, as normal as mommy brain can be anyways :)
09-21-2008, 10:42 PM
So, I have to laugh (not at you, but at the fact that my DH was reading over my shoulder and swore that I must have written it)!!! I loved everyone's replies, too. I could cut and paste from everyone's posts to tell my story. My biggest problem is that what works for a few times will suddenly stop working. My other problem is that my biggest turn on is the thought of getting pregnant (just something incredibly sexy about the thought of creating a child with my DH and how "manly" it is for him to be able to do that- sorry if TMI). Problem is, we have 3 boys now, and I don't think my DH wants a baseball team! Right now, I don't have to worry about it (1 week old baby at home, 5 more weeks of having a viable excuse...), but I know my DH is counting down the days. Toward the end of my pregnancy, we had committed to spending more time together as husband and wife (it is amazing how often we get stuck in the mother/father/worker modes of life), and if it means just talking or watching tv together or spending some intimate time together, atleast it is us time.
09-22-2008, 01:45 PM
lovin3 - I thought I was the only one who was turned on when I thought about getting pregnant! It wasn't an over share for me ;) I'm right there with ya.
For me, for a while after my son was born my DH wasn't allowed to touch me at all. Something with hormones I guess. Everywhere he would touch me that would normally turn me on suddenly just made me want to throw him into a wall. My chest area was completely off limits for months. That's worn off though, idk if it's bec of willpower to get over it or if it actually did wear off. I'm frequently just not in the mood, but for his sake I "play the part" and by the time we get in bed I'm in the mood all the same as he is and ... well, you know the story from there.
09-23-2008, 03:18 PM
I have a 14-week-old son and sex has not been the same since he's entered our lives.
I had a really great sex drive before I gave birth, and now I have absolutely no desire for sex at all.
I talked to my therapist about it and he said it may be because I feel under appreciated and not quite as attractive as I used to feel.
I'm hoping it's just hormones and it will get resolved by itself.
09-23-2008, 09:14 PM
Before we had kids, my sex drive was pretty low, but once we started it I got into it. After my first was born, my husband just had to touch my shoulder and I got scared that he wanted sex, would get anxious or angry. After a few months of me putting him off, he told me that he really needed it more than once a month!! It got a little better after 6 months or so but got worse again after my daughter was born. I dreaded going to bed at night, wondering if he was going to ask for sex. He dreaded asking me, afraid I would shoot him down. We finally compromised on a "date" night, where we would watch a video, maybe have some wine and that night would be a sure thing. I knew it was coming, so I could psych myself up for it (and make sure I showered and shaved ;) ) Its been 4 years since my daughter was born and the sex drive is still low, but I've come to realize that if he asks, it's better all around if I say yes. (Its usually over quick enough!)
09-24-2008, 11:02 PM
I have a 21month old and im 36 weeks pregnant now and I don't even feel the want to have sex ever...Even before I got pregnant...My husband gets frusated and just gets mad about it..When we do have see most the time im just doing it to please him and im not really into it...Is that a bad thing?? I just don't know what to do to get in the mood...Does anyone have any advice for me???
09-25-2008, 12:24 AM
Okay, I have a different perspective on this for you. I am the one in my relationship that has always had a higher sex drive. Ever since my husband and I were dating I have always been more apt to initiate things.
When we got married, I wanted sex ALL.THE.TIME. and my husband was pretty obliged to give it up...but we've been married two years now and I'm 36 weeks pregnant and sex is almost non-existent. We have the opposite problem when it comes to self image. I'm very secure with myself, how I look and all that (well, maybe not as much now that I look like a volcano about to erupt.) My husband is very self-conscious about his weight and never seems to be in the mood.
Now I'm worried that after the baby comes we'll NEVER have sex again!!!
All that aside, my best advice is to TALK about it. It's hard and awkward but getting all your fears/frustrations/insecurities out on the table can really help open doors for both of you to feel better about making love. The better you understand what his needs are, why he wants to "bug" you all the time, why he may not be thinking about the dirty dishes, you can understand a bit of his perspective.
Same with you. He probably has no idea how much those things are weighing on your mind and how much that interferes with your desire to be intimate. Some others eluded to it, but perhaps telling him that more help around the house with those chores might put you at ease and more in the mood for some lovin'!
Hope you're able to have a good talk about things (or a few talks-sometimes it's a series of figuring each others needs out.)
09-25-2008, 01:30 PM
I think a big part of every woman's problem is that we all have a hard time admitting that motherhood is hard. Really hard sometimes. I was especially insecure because DH told me through my whole 1st pregnancy that I was too young to have kids anyway. After that, I never even let him change a diaper until my son was 6 months old. Yeah. I'm so over it now. Let's be honest-having kids sucks sometimes, sometimes more often than not-and none of us want to admit that we want help. I recommend starting there. Be sure you communicate your wants clearly, because your husband may be slower than even you think. I introduced my DH to the concept of "woman's porn". It pretty much consists of me sitting on my hiney and watching him do housework. I also tell him that he stands a lot better chance of getting what he wants if he will entertain our son long enough for me to shower and wash all of my parts. I don't think he believed me at first, but after a year of him actually trying it, and it actually working, we're all a lot happier. It is an arrangement that makes sense-you give me what I need most, and I'll give you what you want most.
09-27-2008, 04:29 AM
It was completely opposite for me. I didn't like sex before, I did it for the guy, not myself. I have a 16 month old now and ever since he was born I have LOVED sex. I had sex like a month after he was born I think (TMI sorry). But i've been hooked ever since, I was NEVER like this before. Am I like odd one out or what? lol
09-30-2008, 12:25 PM
I think hubby's need to realize that whether or not they are "getting some" starts with us bright and early in the morning. Absolutely coming home to him cooking or doing dishes is a turn on at this point. Isn't that pathetic?! But here is my theory for the rest of the population whose men just dont get it! DATE NIGHT! Thats right I said it. I know you love your baby - but get a sitter for a few hours. Put on those F-Me heels - you know which ones, more than likely they are definitely pre-pregnancy. Put on a sexy outfit showing off the fact that there is no longer a baby inside you. It's okay if the weight isn't all gone yet, you are still hotter than you were at 40 weeks! Do your hair, makeup, spray on his favorite perfume and GO OUT! Sex takes work sometimes but you owe it too YOURSELVES to work for it. It's not just for him - its for you too! Sex will release endorphines that will help your stress level when dealing with the dirty house and dirty diapers. So get out there and remember that before you were MOM and DAD ( and a maid, cook, and nanny) you were a WOMAN and him a MAN! Go enjoy yourselves, have a glass of wine and I'm sure when you get home those dirty sheets won't bother you so much!
PSSST - heres a secret ... leave the heals on! :)
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