Stepmom Boundries/ Daddy's Responsiblty

[Rachelsmomma]

My ex-husband and I divorced when our daughter was 2 yours old. For about 4 of the 7 years we have been divorced we live lengthy distance apart. Approximately 2 hours of drive time each way. Because of the long drive and his excuses (that the woman he was married to then didn't want her there) he chose not to see our daughter on a regular basis except on holidays. About 3 years ago we decided to move back home to the same county her dad resides in. Since we lived closer and he was divorcing again he started seeing her more but still not as often as our parenting plan set for him. When he met his now 3rd wife, and she moved in before they were married, he started getting her on a regular basis except at nights. This worked well for my daughter to step her in a routine of seeing them more since she had barely spent time with him in the past years, except she didn't want to go every weekend he was supposed to have her. Now they are married and she stays the night. My daughter tells me her dad still doesn't spend very much time with her that she is always with his wife or the other children there when it is his time with her. Her dad is now pushing the ideal of her spending more time than just his weekends with her new step-mom. He wants me to let his wife keep her after school instead of going to daycare, pick her up when it is time for his visitation to start and gets mad when I wont drop her off (if I am in the area when it's his weekend) with his wife when he is not there. I have tried explaining to him that I like his new wife but I don't love her the way he does nor do I know her as well as I would like to say that I approve of her being her babysitter.
I may be wrong but I feel that our daughter is OUR responsibility and if he isn't available to pick her up and spend time her then she should be with me or in after school care. Don't get me wrong. His new wife is nice & I am glad my daughter has her to take care of her since I can't be there but I can't seem to get him to understand. He is driving me crazy pushing so hard, how should I handle this??

[Newmom!]

Tough one, some blended families the step parent become just as important as the real parent, and the step parent thinks of the step child as a child in the family not just the spouse's child. That would be a very positive environment to grow up in.

On the other hand, it would be nice if your daughter could spend more time with dad.

Ask your daughter how she feels (it looks like she might be around 9 yrs old, she should be able to express herself). If she enjoys being with the step-mom and step-siblings, then it might be a positive thing for step-mom to be a part of her after school care etc. But if she feels like she is the outsider (even if they are friendly to her) then you might want to keep the boundaries as they are. Try to solve this issue keeping your daughter's best interests in mind - if she would benefit from having family time with the step family - then be happy they are so open and loving.

If your daughter truly feels like she is being slighted by dad, then have her tell him so. He might change if he knows how is daughter feels.

I don't envy your situation. I wish you the best.

[shanberry03]

I love my dad's wife. Of course, I love my mom more and always will. But I enjoy spending time with her and LOVE my step-siblings. To me, they are just brothers and sisters. I think it's great that your daughter's step-mother wants to be a part of her life. My dad didn't spend much time with me, and if it weren't for my step-mom, I probably would NEVER see him now. Now that I am grown up and have my own child, I appreciate her more. She loves my son as if he were her own blood-related grandson and that makes me feel good. You should be proud that your daughter is so loved.

I can't imagine what it feels like for you, though. I'm sure my mother is a little jealous, but you know what? It could be a lot worse. Your daughter could hate her and be miserable. It sounds like she isn't...

[Rachelsmomma]

Thank you both for your insight. I've heard all to often it is easier to evaluate a situation when your on the outside looking in than in the middle of the storm.

Please let me stress that I am not saying I don't want our daughter to love her step mom. In fact the few times her step mom has asked me for extra time I have tried to make my daughter available. I just feel like her dad is not accepting his responsibility to his kid especially when he isn't there. His wife is nice, but I am not that well acquainted with her to know her morals, values and parenting techniques enough yet to decided if she should spend all the extra time my ex is asking for with my very impressionable child.

I do try to encourage my daughter to talk to her dad like she does with me and let him know if she feels like she needs special daddy-daughter time or if has questions concerning her time with him. She tells me when she does he gets mad at her & she doesn't want to hurt his feelings so she doesn't ask anymore.. This makes me question his motives of wanting her there more if he can't react well when she reaches out to him.

I guess by posting I am really asking if anyone knows any more tricks to effectively communicate with my ex than what I have already tried. Which will hopefully help me get to know his wife better and help me feel more comfortable allowing extra time with step mom when her dad asks, right now I don't with him pushing so hard for it and wish I could get him to understand the reasoning why so he will hopefully step back up to the plate to take more responsibility of his child than what he is pushing for wife to do.

[Newmom!]

Just call up the step-mom and invite her to coffee - tell her "we both are important people in my daughter's life and I'd just like to get to know you better". By passing your ex in this case might be okay. If you are comfortable with this and build a good relationship with stepmom you might be able to ask her to talk to your ex about spending more time with your daughter. I honestly have never been in this type of situation, but I have heard about it from many others. Don't know if my advise is good, but it is something to consider.

[cay8099]

Just call up the step-mom and invite her to coffee - tell her "we both are important people in my daughter's life and I'd just like to get to know you better". By passing your ex in this case might be okay. If you are comfortable with this and build a good relationship with stepmom you might be able to ask her to talk to your ex about spending more time with your daughter. I honestly have never been in this type of situation, but I have heard about it from many others. Don't know if my advise is good, but it is something to consider.

This is exactly what I was going to suggest. Speak directly with her stepmom. This is obviously a woman who is going to have an important role in your daughter's life and it is important for you to develope a good/civil relationship with her.

[Rachelsmomma]

Great ideal! Thanks guys!!

[JessiSky]

I definitely think talking to the stepmom would be a good idea- likely, she would be more able to convince your ex the importance of spending time with his daughter. Whereas he might feel a little threatened having his parenting critiqued by his ex, kwim?

I think it's great that the stepmom is so involved without trying to be mommy though, and it's great that you're okay with that, because you both have a huge place in your daughter's life. I don't think I'd make a huge deal about the stepmom picking your daughter up or dropping her off with her- I would just try and work on your ex being as involved as he should be.

[whovian21]

I'm a new step-mom trying to get along with my step-son's (2 yr. old, my husband has full custody) mother. Every olive branch I've extended she's rejected, even to the point of public humiliation. I want to get along with her so that we can all three come together to do what's best for the boy, but I have no idea what to do next. Any suggestions?

[thewoman]

I am stepmother of two - a boy 12 yo and a girl 11 yo. They are living with their mother and come over for weekends, holidays and school breaks. We have certain issues but it is not about me being a new woman in his dad'a life but about them turning into teens and me having different perspective on what kids do their age (it is also a cultural thing since I am Russian) but overall we get along great. We do lots of things together and when they are with us I feel 100% responsible for them. I told them day first: I am not going to replace your mother but I want to be your friend, and it works out. Get to know your ex's new wife better, and if you do trust her I see no problems allowing her to babysit your daughter. If she is involved in her life, she is a part of family too. You are lucky you like her and can talk. My husband's ex doesn't talk even to him not to say to me. The kids may be here for weeks and she will never even call to check how they are doing - she just doesn't care.

[lovelikemyown]

I have a stepson whom i love dearly however my fiance and I DONOT agree with parenting. His mother is not doing her part at all so i chalked that up to ok, i need to do what I can. Heres the thing,hes only 6 yet he is very manipulative,lies like its the truth and is a crybaby. This is now after a few years the list has gone down. He had no guidnace from either side so he didnt understand respect(still working on that) for anyone or anything. One of our first issues with parenting came when we went to church and he was burping out loud and booing the pastor. I tried to talk to my fiance and his mother about it e plays with kids younger than him because the kids his age say hes a crybaby and selfish. he knows right from wrong but laughs behind his dad backs if my girls (12 and 13) tell on something he does and nothing happens. Its to the point where its a strain on our relationship and im ready to walk away. My fiance mother always makes excuses for him and my fiance seems to only discipline when im right there which makes me look like the bad guy. The dentist told him he cant have any candy got 4 teeth pulled and 2 capped..4 are loose yet when I try to enforce it..once again..im the bad guy. Truly sick of it..noone seems to care about him becoming a decent young man with morals or anything for that matter. Am i wrong? He said im overreacting just like i did when he hit my daughter in the head with a ball and she took it and all his grandmother said was your 13 why are you crying about being hit with a ball??? like what happen to you shouldn be hitting anyone with anything?
Now when they're not around..i see awhole different side to him,,the kid looking for someone to hold him,teach him but with all the other stuff..im too drained or pissed to even want to be bothered. Any advice??? Im at the end of my rope

[lovelikemyown]

I have a stepson whom i love dearly however my fiance and I DONOT agree with parenting. His mother is not doing her part at all so i chalked that up to ok, i need to do what I can. Heres the thing,hes only 6 yet he is very manipulative,lies like its the truth and is a crybaby. This is now after a few years the list has gone down. He had no guidnace from either side so he didnt understand respect(still working on that) for anyone or anything. One of our first issues with parenting came when we went to church and he was burping out loud and booing the pastor. I tried to talk to my fiance and his mother about it e plays with kids younger than him because the kids his age say hes a crybaby and selfish. he knows right from wrong but laughs behind his dad backs if my girls (12 and 13) tell on something he does and nothing happens. Its to the point where its a strain on our relationship and im ready to walk away. My fiance mother always makes excuses for him and my fiance seems to only discipline when im right there which makes me look like the bad guy. The dentist told him he cant have any candy got 4 teeth pulled and 2 capped..4 are loose yet when I try to enforce it..once again..im the bad guy. Truly sick of it..noone seems to care about him becoming a decent young man with morals or anything for that matter. Am i wrong? He said im overreacting just like i did when he hit my daughter in the head with a ball and she took it and all his grandmother said was your 13 why are you crying about being hit with a ball??? like what happen to you shouldn be hitting anyone with anything?
Now when they're not around..i see awhole different side to him,,the kid looking for someone to hold him,teach him but with all the other stuff..im too drained or pissed to even want to be bothered. Any advice??? Im at the end of my rope (i know there are typos lol)

[stepmom1]

Yes your daughter is both of your repsonsibilites. I agree with you there. But at the same time his new wife will be a huge part of your daughters life and you need to see that.