New Dad Feeling Left Out

[Karen75]

I'm a mom, but I wanted some advice from you dads.

When my mother found out I was pregnant, she warned me to make sure I paid special attention to my husband after the birth- that it's easy to focus on the baby and not give your spouse enough attention, making him feel like he's competing with the baby for your affection. Instead, I've found something completely different happening.

He's jealous of my relationship with the baby. He feels like a fifth wheel. My baby and I are extremely bonded. If she fusses, she'll stop as soon as I pick her up. Not so with him. I've been trying to get him to hold her more often, but he complains that she'll only allow it when she's already asleep. Still, I try to encourage him and hand her over as much as possible when I don't think she'll fuss.

I'm breastfeeding, so that's another thing he can't do. In a few weeks, after breastfeeding is firmly established, I plan on pumping so he can feed her a few times a day. It will help him feel more involved and allow me to get a bit more rest.

Is there anything else I can do to help him feel more involved? He knows this period will pass (she's basically just a sleepy lump at this point- one week old) and that his relationship with her will grow over time, but that doesn't stop him from feeling very upset and left out right now. He loves her so much.

[Newmom!]

It is hard for both of you. But you need time to shower, nap, etc. Just tell him he is the dad and you need to shower, and he can care for her.

Have him drape a T-shirt you have worn and not washed over him. He'll smell more like you and that will help calm the baby.

My husband got up at 4 AM every morning for 2 hours with our newborn to let me sleep. That was great bonding time for them (although it made my husband exhausted). I too nurse, and I never pumped. Now at 17 mo my son and husband have a great relationship. It will be hard, we hit many bumps in the road. But as your baby grows, it all gets easier and easier, as long as you two are honest with each other and keep the lines of communication open.

[NaomiK]

Well, I think its great that you are being understanding and not getting upset with him! Good for you! I know you wanted advice from Dad's but I would love to offer some advice.

First, just because you are breastfeeding doesnt mean he cant be involved in that! My husband used to sit next to us and rub her head while she ate or talk to her. I LOVED it! He felt bad that he couldnt feed her himself so he would get up with me just to sit with us sometimes.

Next, even if you are holding her, just be close to your hubby. Sit next to him and hold her and have him talk to her and touch her as you hold her. Try explaining to him that she is used to your scent, your demeanor, your voice, etc. You carried her INSIDE of you for 9 months. You are her home. He must not get discouraged by that.

Also I think that if you can leave him alone with her for an hour, that would be a big help! You seem to be a natural, and he may be intimidated by that, but once he is alone with her and is able to calm her he will start feeling much more confident. Even if you just run to the store and hop in the shower as soon as you come home. That way you are still home, but he doesnt have to feel like you are watching his every move.

[Morrigan757]

I had the opposite problem. My little girl loved her daddy's chest and they bonded very quickly. I was always upset that she would never fall asleep for me unless she was stone cold tired.

Give it time and let her cry it out on Daddy's shoulder. Just accept she's going to be fussy and do it... then do it again and again and again.

[MrsBurke]

My husband didn't really had the time to help me with my daughter that's why they didn't bond well until she was 3. She would "Mommm!" me when husband calls her so loud like she wants me to save her. I've told him many times to soften his voice but he thinks he was sweet calling her that way..