HELP PPD high anxiety paranoid thoughts

[JrsMama143]

Whoever chooses to read thank you very much :)

At first when my beautiful baby boy was born, I was in shock. I just couldn't believe that something so wonderful was created in my belly and I pushed out a baby. I love him so much more than anything in the world and I want to be there for him but I feel like my depression and anxiety are getting in the way.
Like I said before I was in shock I couldn't believe I produced a baby.. It didn't even hit me till like a month and a half into it. For some reason I was like numb to it and he didn't bother me, which I actually found unusual. The crying didn't bother me, getting up every hr or so didn't bother me, just nothing bothered me. Well I think I'm paying the price for it now because EVERYTHING bothers me.
I hope I'm not alone because I feel it. I feel just his presence bothers me and its so upsetting. Right now he is 11 weeks and 3 days old and he is the most precious thing in the world. He makes me smile so much but he also makes my heart race along with my thoughts and as soon as he opens his mouth its like I cant handle it..

I feel so bad and so terrible. I'm in a hospital right now for the anxiety/depression/racing paranoid thoughts. I don't fear that I will hurt him - never that.
I have this HUGE fear so great that I go to bed every night feeling like I will not wake the next day. Every night I go to bed believing I'm going to die and its scared the hell out of me everyday. I have never had these feelings before the just occurred about a month and a half ago which would be towards the end of July (Jr's birth date was 06-17-10). I don't know how to deal.. I'm trying to get on good medication and get my weight back up. I was 140lbs in June before birth and now I weigh around 110 which is my starting pregnancy weight. I'm not the only mom in the unit that I am in but I am certainly the youngest and the only one who has recently gave birth. I'm 21 years old paranoid that I'm going to die and not be there for my son.

I also realized while I been here in the hospital that part of my paranoia is because of 3 previous abortions I had. I never mourned over the loss and treated them like they were no big deal. I feel HORRIBLE about it now and I fear that God is going to take my life because I've taken 3 lives and I just hope to God he allows me this chance to do the right thing and raise this baby with all the love and attention and affection in the world. I want to give him 3xs the attention because they all deserved it too. I pray to God every night that I can live the next day to see my beautiful son and be there for him. These feelings feel pretty extreme and I hope I'm not the only one going through this. I'm pretty sure a lot of contributing factors are my eating and sleeping habits which haven't been good since I've given birth although this past week I'm starting to eat much better.
The sleeping I'm still trying to get a hold of. I also have a history of depression and anxiety so I'm sure that's making it worse. I hope for the best and trying my hardest to trust in God that everything will be okay :)

Thank you for listening :)

[big-mouth-burgher]

Sweetie you are a brave woman for taking the first step, and that is getting help for yourself. You need to let the meds and the doctors/therapists do their job and help you. You also need to grieve for those 3 babies you aborted, I can't say that I know exactly how you fell, but I did have a baby that was born very prematurely and passed away. So I know that you are dealing with alot of emotions. Please be sure to talk about the abortions with your doctor/therapist as well. They will be able to help you trough the grieving process.

Once you work on getting you better, then you get the chance to be a wonderful mom to your darling little boy.

[NaomiK]

BMB is so right. You did the right thing by seeking help.

It is hard to give advice since I dont know the whole story. I had post pardum depression and I also felt very numb for a LONG time. I love my baby girl, but I was numb to pretty much anything else. Just going through the motions, making it through another day.

I recommend you keep a journal. It can help release a lot of that anxiety, and it can be a great thing to show your therapist too. I hope you are telling your doctors about your fear of dying at night? Why would God bless you with a beautiful baby boy only to take his mother away? I dont think so. I think you are meant to be there for him and you will. Stop questioning it. You WILL be there for him. You cant go your whole life living in fear and what ifs. You have to move past that. If medication can help you do that, there is no shame in seeking help.

As far as the 3 abortions, you DO need to take time to grieve about them, but you cant let it eat you up forever. There comes a point when you have to move on. Not only for yourself, but for your son too.

I think it is great that you recognize that you are not eating or sleeping well. That is a great start!

Please continue to talk to us. I know how lonely it can be. I had my daughter at 21 also. :)

[puddin_pops_mama]

JrsMama, you might have noticed that I have posted a lot on PPD. I understand your numbness. It took me about a year to feel that I was thinking straight, and rid of the terrible intrusive thoughts I was having. I don't say that to scare you, I say that because I want you to know that it might take time, but you'll pull through.

Here's my humble advice/insights: In regards to the abortions, you have to find a way to forgive yourself and grieve. I was adamantly pro-choice prior to having a baby, but now I find myself personally unable to think about having an abortion. Acutally having a precious little baby changed that for me. I am still pro-choice, but I look at it as a much more serious and emotional decision now. It sounds like your attitude towards abortion has changed, too. That's life - a personal experience can change your mind. So I hope you can let those abortions go, and provide the best life for the baby you have.

In regards to the thought that you might die, I think you have come to the understand that your baby relies on you for everything. This is terrifying! While we understand this prior to having a baby, it can really hit you hard when they're actually there and real. I think you might fear not being there for your baby, and it manifests as a thought that you might die. I have also experienced intrusive thoughts like this after my daughter was born. These thoughts would send me into a panic or make me frozen with anxiety. I had to combat these intrusive thoughts with a positive image of me caring for my daughter. It might help you to visualize a sunny morning, waking up and starting the day with your baby. Something like that can help you negate those terrifying thoughts. Oh, and I second Naomi on the journal - that really helped me figure out where my emotions and thoughts stemmed from.

I wish you all the best. You take care of yourself so you can be a great mother. Please keep writing, and feel free to PM me if you want.

[jamiehighland]

You really have done the right thing in choosing to get help. The correct medication and taking time to analyze and speak about the issues that are bothering you will do WONDERS for you. Postpartum depression is very serious, and the anxiety/paranoid thoughts are a part of it. It can make the smallest thoughts turn into the most horrible thoughts instantly. It is also perfectly normal for your baby to be overwhelming, taking care of such a tiny helpless thing is overwhelming all on its own.

Taking the time to grieve is a good idea, but like someone else said, you can not eat yourself up about it forever. It is wonderful to pour your whole heart into your baby, but always remember that taking care of momma is the number one task - the happiest momma you can be will make the happiest baby.