Please tell me I dont sound like a prude

[otkd]

Several months ago my ex announced that he had a new girlfriend (no big deal-wished them well). A few months went by and he decided to buy a new house. I told him that I do not think that our 7 year old daughter should stay overnight there if he plans on moving this girlfriend in. I just feel like this will come back to haunt me when she is a teenager (if dad can do it why can't I stay out all night with my boyfriend). I feel like we are always lowering the moral bar. My daughter attends a catholic school-she already is the only child in her class that has divorced parents and has to deal with that. I don't mean to be a hypocrite-I lived with him before we were married but she doesn't know that. Call me oldfashioned but I just want my daughter to think before she acts as she gets older and know what my expectations are as far as relationships and her future. We all get along well but he is very well known where we live and my daughter will have the entire city knowing about it. I suggested if he is that serious then he should get married. His girlfriend told me yesterday that she is planning on moving in...he has said nothing about it...totally avoiding the whole subject.

[MikeMcK]

Several months ago my ex announced that he had a new girlfriend (no big deal-wished them well). A few months went by and he decided to buy a new house. I told him that I do not think that our 7 year old daughter should stay overnight there if he plans on moving this girlfriend in. I just feel like this will come back to haunt me when she is a teenager (if dad can do it why can't I stay out all night with my boyfriend). I feel like we are always lowering the moral bar. My daughter attends a catholic school-she already is the only child in her class that has divorced parents and has to deal with that. I don't mean to be a hypocrite-I lived with him before we were married but she doesn't know that. Call me oldfashioned but I just want my daughter to think before she acts as she gets older and know what my expectations are as far as relationships and her future. We all get along well but he is very well known where we live and my daughter will have the entire city knowing about it. I suggested if he is that serious then he should get married. His girlfriend told me yesterday that she is planning on moving in...he has said nothing about it...totally avoiding the whole subject.

I don't see anything prudish at all about that.

For a man and woman to live together without being married is morally wrong and of course you don't want your children exposed to that.

It's a terrible example for your ex-husband to set for his children. Not only does it tell your daughter that immorality is wrong, it tells her that it's OK for men to use women.

Of course, depending on what your custody arrangement is, you may have no choice.

[myboysmom]

No, I don't think it's prudish either. You want to instill good values in her, and that's wonderful. Divorce is a hard enough life-lesson to go through without adding extra situations. Especially at 7 years old where they are caught between child and teenager, they have so many questions about everything and everyone, how was your ex planning on explaining it? And would it be a big deal for the gf to spend the night at her place when it is your daughter's turn to be at his place?

[mamaof3boys]

I dont think it sounded Prudish either.

[relocatednyc]

Hmm. That is a tough decision.
If she does move in, that means that she would be having a relationship with your daughter, whether she likes it or not. That would mean that she would have to take on that role of being a step-parent, because even if they aren't married, if they lived together and your daughter stayed over, she would have the "mother" role, at least for the evening.
Has the girlfriend discussed this? It seems like something that is very important.
I don't know if it is a problem for her to stay there if your daughter perceives that this person is there as a parental being and not just daddy's girlfriend.
If the girlfriend was staying over only occasionally and was a non-permanent figure in her life then your daughter may have more trouble with it because she would see her has a less important figure to her father, but if she is actually considering moving in, then it may be time to sit down and discuss what that means as a family decision and ensure that she is prepared for the role she will be taking on with this decision.
Hope things turn out well!

[djac75]

I don't share your moral views, but I wouldn't call them prudish. They are just different from mine.

Having said that however, your ex is your ex and you don't have a right to be his morals cop. He is your dd's parent and has rights to live his own life with or without your approval.

[poetmom]

My ex and his SO have lived together for about five years now, and I've never had an issue with sending my now 15 yr old daughter to spend weekends or longer with them. She is intelligent enough to know there is a difference between what behavior is allowed/acceptable for children and for adults. Dad is an adult, and if he chooses to live with someone, that's his choice to make...DD is still a child, and those kinds of choices have to be run past the people who are legally responsible for her...Mom and Dad....and therefore it's not allowable for her. My children have always been instilled with the reality that some things are okay for adults but not children....driving, drinking, smoking, sex, living together, etc.

[War_Eagle]

My ex and his SO have lived together for about five years now, and I've never had an issue with sending my now 15 yr old daughter to spend weekends or longer with them.

Then don't be surprised if she ends up living with a man she's not married to.

[poetmom]

Then don't be surprised if she ends up living with a man she's not married to.

Is that supposed to shock, upset or scare me? Once she's an adult, and living on her own, supporting herself, her choices are hers to make. I've lived with someone I wasn't married to, and I don't see it as a horrible thing....just not something I'd want for any of my children before they were adults.

[War_Eagle]

Is that supposed to shock, upset or scare me?

Not at all. It just means that if you model bad behavior for your children, you shouldn't be surprised if your children mirror engage in that bad behavior.

[justadad]

I think there are much more important things to be concerned with:

There once was a great king named Author who lost his sword. The land lay soon in ruin; a king without a sword was a land without a king for the land and king were one: If he prospers, the land prospers, if he fails the land fails. So it is with father and daughter: Take me, then take my daughter for she and I are one . . . if she fails, I fail; if she prospers, I prosper.

Your guy needs to make sure the girlfriend gets that straight from the get-go. I think the living together is minor compared to this.

[poetmom]

Not at all. It just means that if you model bad behavior for your children, you shouldn't be surprised if your children mirror engage in that bad behavior.

I couldn't agree more. I just don't happen to believe that sharing your life with the person you love is bad behaviour.

[War_Eagle]

I couldn't agree more. I just don't happen to believe that sharing your life with the person you love is bad behaviour.

If that's the morality you want to model for your children, then that's up to you. Just don't act surprised when the consequences come knocking on her door.

[djac75]

There is nothing wrong with sex outside of marriage. Let's stop being stupid about this!

[SusanStiffelman]

I don't think you're being a prude. It's a big deal for a young child to incorporate a new adult into their lives, let alone live with them day in and day out. Even though you obviously can't control what your daughter's father does, if you approach him with respect, perhaps he will listen to your concerns and at least help your daughter make the adjustment.

Susan Stiffelman, MFT

[brandie1127]

I'm really late into this thread but I did want to make a statement. Examine your feelings about your children not living with the person they plan on marrying BEFORE they choose to make that decision. I think that EVERYONE absolutely should live together before they commit to being with that person for the rest of their lives. This is THEIR LIFE we are talking about ... a HUGE commitment. I would NEVER marry a man without first seeing what his world looks like 24 hours a day. Its easy to be someone else a few nights a week on "date night" for either the man or the woman - wouldn't you want to know if that person is a TOTAL SLOB and you'll be stuck cleaning their mess the rest of your life? I want my daughter to FIRST live completely alone - no roommates no boyfriend - this is when you really get to know yourself. Then once she becomes romantic with someone, I see nothing wrong with them living together once they are engaged. We are becoming a different world, one which women put careers and education ahead of marriage and children. I think this has created a society of "smarter" woman. We want to know what type of contract we are entering into - we don't walk blindly down the isle anymore in fear of what may come to us in the "after life" we have become quite concerned with "this life". With the divorce rate so high, I was TERRIFIED to get married I wanted to make sure that we were making the right decision and that we had a higher success rate of working together. I know that marriage takes work it doesn't just happen - I wanted to see if we "worked" together on the small stuff cause' then I would know if we would work together on the "big" stuff. We were engaged 4 years before we made it legal.

PS As far as the original thread - I don't think you are being prude but the issue is less the fact that they aren't married and cohabitating together and more this woman will be in your daughters life more and she needs to be aware of the responsibility this entails. She'll have to present herself in more of a responsible role when your daughter is around. and besides as long as YOU are teaching your daughter what you expect from her, she isn't likely to move in with a guy just because her dad had a girlfriend live with him, shes more likely to respect your teachings. ANd if the dad wants the girlfriend to live with him - he shouldn't be expected to marry her. He probably feels that he did that once and he wants to procede more slowly the second time around - he want's the companionship without the legal commitment.

[bluecollardad]

I see nothing wrong with your exes new girlfriend moving in. The way I see it is this is a next step. If she is moving in then she has accepted him and everything that comes with him. That includes his daughter. So I would just ask her how she feels about different subjects and what she plans on saying to your daughter. Let her know were you stand and how you plan on teaching. every parent wants their child to have it better than them, they also don't want their child to make the same mistakes they make. that being said, It is not right to prevent your daughter from staying when you lived with him before you got married. Just talk to his girlfriend like I suggested and she were she stands.

[miami_mom]

"There is nothing wrong with sex outside of marriage. Let's stop being stupid about this!"
Some of us do believe this is wrong, and we are not being stupid. A 7 year old girl needs the best guidance, not a bad example. All you can do is give your daughter the best moral foundation you can, set up your expectations, and hopefully when she's old enough she will make the right decisions. You can voice your concerns to your ex, but you can't control him. But you can control what you teach your daughter about right and wrong. You are not being prude. I agree with your concerns. "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it" not sure of the verse!

[War_Eagle]

"There is nothing wrong with sex outside of marriage. Let's stop being stupid about this!"
Some of us do believe this is wrong, and we are not being stupid. A 7 year old girl needs the best guidance, not a bad example. All you can do is give your daughter the best moral foundation you can, set up your expectations, and hopefully when she's old enough she will make the right decisions. You can voice your concerns to your ex, but you can't control him. But you can control what you teach your daughter about right and wrong. You are not being prude. I agree with your concerns. "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it" not sure of the verse!

I'm happy to see that there's somebody who doesn't buy into the anything-goes-how-dare-you-say-that-any-behavior-is-morally-wrong mentality that goes on around here.

Get ready for charliesmommy, cay, bluecollardad and others to call you every name in the book.

[charliesmommy]

"There is nothing wrong with sex outside of marriage. Let's stop being stupid about this!"
Some of us do believe this is wrong, and we are not being stupid. A 7 year old girl needs the best guidance, not a bad example. All you can do is give your daughter the best moral foundation you can, set up your expectations, and hopefully when she's old enough she will make the right decisions. You can voice your concerns to your ex, but you can't control him. But you can control what you teach your daughter about right and wrong. You are not being prude. I agree with your concerns. "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it" not sure of the verse!

That is excellent advice miami!

Don't listen to our resident meanie. He doesn't understand the difference between giving good advice and talking down to people.

[bluecollardad]

"There is nothing wrong with sex outside of marriage. Let's stop being stupid about this!"
Some of us do believe this is wrong, and we are not being stupid. A 7 year old girl needs the best guidance, not a bad example. All you can do is give your daughter the best moral foundation you can, set up your expectations, and hopefully when she's old enough she will make the right decisions. You can voice your concerns to your ex, but you can't control him. But you can control what you teach your daughter about right and wrong. You are not being prude. I agree with your concerns. "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it" not sure of the verse!

I semi-agree. they need to get on the same page of what they teach her. As for sex outside of marriage, that is irrelavent to the topic. but hey I've always believed in trying it before buying it.

[marlalovesmaury]

right on, bluecollar...you never buy a horse without riding it first LOL :)