No sex drive

[tierrajo1]

Okay ladies I need some personal input. My husband wants me to see a counselor because he thinks there is something wrong with me because I have a very low sex drive. I used to have a very high one so he is upset. I have three children, three, almost two, and 6 months old. I am a stay at home mother. My husband works and goes to school so he is almost never home. I take care of the housework, the kids, the cooking, the errands, the yardwork, and I also drive twenty minutes everyday to spend a couple hours helping his elderly aunt. When my husband gets home it is very late at night, usually after ten. I am exhausted, usually filthy and hairy because I rarely have time to shower. I am still 25 pounds heavier than before my kids. I play mommy all day and am very, very tired by the time he gets home. My children do not sleep through the night so I only get a few hours of sleep at a time, if that. Oh and our bedroom, which is right across from my children's, has no door! Can someone please save us the cost of a counselor and take a stab at why my sex drive is so low!

[lovin3]

Two thoughts- First is that it is situational. For all of the reasons you've listed, it is hard to get in the mood when you're exhausted and not feeling attractive. Second- Lack of having a husband. Again situational and hopefully temporary, but it easy to feel disconnected when the two of you don't have any time together.

I speak from experience- 3yo, 15mo, and one due in two weeks. I provide daycare to a 2yo and 4yo plus my husband works second shift. By the time he gets home during the week, I've been asleep for hours. On the weekends, we focus on family time and both want some wind down time of our own when they are finally asleep for the night. If we're lucky, they are both down for 10 hours, but with me being pregnant, my body wants lots of sleep, so we don't have a ton of time. We just had a conversation about finding a way to "reconnect" as husband and wife. My hubby is a great father and provider, but we don't know each other the way we used to.

My suggestion is to commit to spending some amount of time together, atleast a few days a week. Maybe DH can watch the kiddos on a weekend day so that you can have a few minutes to grab a shower and enjoy a little time to yourself. Then try to reconnect doing things you love to do together (maybe they just haven't been done in a while- movie, games, late night dinner). Then (atleast I'm hoping for myself as well) you might feel a little more up for some intimacy!

[firebabe]

How can anyone feel sexy when they are tired and have no time to be a woman. you cant have a sex drive unless you feel sexy. i agree with lovin you need time tyo yourself. Hubby needs to give u that. my advise find a spa in the area, grab a girlfriend and go pamper yourself.

[kelly23]

I have the same problem. This has been going on for a while. I am just not interested in sex. I have an 18 month old and one due on Oct 6. I am a stay at home mom. We only have one car, which he has to use, no cable, so I have movies to put on during the day (the same ones for a very long time now), It's hot and there are a lot of mosquitos in the yard so I don't like being outside. We also don't have any swing set or anything like that. When I was pregnant with my first, my sex drive was up, which was definitely nice, but now it is nonexistent. tierrajo1, we need to keep comparing notes. I hate that I feel like this, but sex is just a chore.

[Disco Lemonade]

Well the same thing happened to me. I was all over my hubby then suddenly after I gave birth after I became a SAHM for a few months my sex drive just dropped. I have no explanation for it but it is normal, I do not think you need to see a counselor. Things did not go back to normal until I recently got a job.

[cajuncat743]

Isn't that just like guys?! "You don't want to have sex with me, so obviously something is wrong with you and you need to talk to a therapist" Men can never understand that we have to feel sexy before we can want to have sex. Nothing deters them from being in the mood. But if I haven't showered, feel fat and my legs look like a gorilla's, sex is the last thing I want. And that's normal for women. So show your husband these posts and explain to him that money spent on a counselor would be better spent on a maid and a babysitter so you can rest and have time to yourself to feel good. :-)

[kelly23]

Isn't that just like guys?! "You don't want to have sex with me, so obviously something is wrong with you and you need to talk to a therapist" Men can never understand that we have to feel sexy before we can want to have sex. Nothing deters them from being in the mood. But if I haven't showered, feel fat and my legs look like a gorilla's, sex is the last thing I want. And that's normal for women. So show your husband these posts and explain to him that money spent on a counselor would be better spent on a maid and a babysitter so you can rest and have time to yourself to feel good. :-)

That made me laugh!

[lena241]

Hey, dont feel bad. My husband and I both work full time, he works in the AM and I work second shift. We have a 4 year old DD and I am 20 weeks pregnant. By the time I get home at 9:30PM, I just dont feel like being intimate with him. I am in the same boat where I dont always get time to shower, and when I do, it doesnt include time to shave. I cant be in the mood, when there is hair where there shouldnt be, so I completely understand.

I try to make sure I give in at least twice a month. Although I have to make a conscious choice to do this, I do it. I guess the guilt gets the best of me. When it is over, he is usually fast asleep and I gain control over the remote control (Yeah!!)

Keep your head up, it will happen

[CLS]

Oh I so wish someone had written a post like this about three years ago. I had NO sex drive when I was preggo with my now 3 yo son. Then after he was born, I was very hot for the whole six weeks that I COULDN'T have sex after the birth. Then guess what, no sex drive again. Sorry to say, it took a good two years for it to come back at all. During that time I did what Lena241 does, consciously made myself give in every couple weeks. Now things are finally getting back to normal. In fact just last week, I was actually thinking about my hubby during a boring meeting at work. So, girls have hope. Eventually it does come back! Time and quality time with the hubby does wonders.

[julipickle]

Take the money you would spend on a counselor and go to an over night spa. If you'd rather go alone and leave your husband with the kids go for it, or you could take him with you and see what happens to your sex drive when you're away from responsibilities and relaxed.

[APEMBERTON]

I Don't Think You Need A Counselor.lol. I Think We All Feel This Way From Time To Time. Like Everybody Else Said No Sleep , Not Feeling Confident About Yourself, & Everything Else Doesn't Help. I Would Def. Take That Money & Do Something You Enjoy.. Spa Time..mani.pedi.. Or Just Time Alone Or Time Alone W/ Hubby. If You Are On Bc Esp. Pills You Might Want To Ask Your Doctor About Swapping. My Pills Used To Lower My Sex Drive So Maybe It Is Something Other Than The Obvious..which Is A Totally Understandable.!! Also I Would Be Getting A Door Asap!!

[cdato20]

I don't know of anyone that this hasn't happened to in one way or another. This is crazy, but when I had my first son, my sex drive didn't crash until about 3 months after he was born. It was then that I realized that my husband sat on his butt in an air conditioned office all day, and that I let him sleep all night. I became resentful, not because my husband wasn't willling to help, but because I was too afraid to ask. I was terrified to admit to anyone that being a SAHM was hard. I felt bad for not wanting to have sex, and even worse for not enjoying it when I did. The final straw was when my son started doing the cry-until-he-throws-up thing on a daily basis. My husband came home one night and I made an attempt to be intimate with him and he was like, "but you smell like throw up." It was at that point that I totally broke down and told him everything about how hard it really was, how tired I really was, and how resentful I really was. I cried for about three days because I was so disappointed in myself, but my husband was great about it. He let me sleep when he was home, started trying to feed the baby, and as far as sex was concerned, he said that whenever I was ready would be just fine. Maybe it would help if you told him everything you are feeling. If it doesn't help, then I'm very sorry.