View Full Version : Guilt
01-24-2008, 12:07 PM
My MIL is always making me feel guilty about the things I don't do: not calling, not bringing her to doctor's appointments, not letting her help pick things off the registry. I feel like such a terrible DIL. How can I get her involved when everything is so obligatory?
02-02-2008, 09:49 AM
All I can say, is good luck. My MIL is the same way. She got mad at me bc I would let her keep my son on the weekends when I work. I was trying to be considerate of her so she would not have to drive 45 mins at 6 am to come get him, but she could not understand that.
Rachel at Parenting.com
02-04-2008, 11:05 AM
You're supposed to bring your MIL to doctor's appointments and pick things off of your child's registry? That sure sounds burdensome to me. Where does she get these expectations from? It's hard enough getting the kid out the door and to the doctor -- now you're supposed to be coordinating with another adult?
But of course you want to get along with your MIL. Is there any way she can help you that would actually, you know, HELP you? Like, babysitting, buying supplies, helping with dinner? Then at least you could include her in a way that could lighten your load a little. Maybe next time she asks about the doctor's office you could say you know, I'm fine there by myself, but if you want to help, we could really use a ready-made dinner / a few new onesies in size 9 months / a refill on wipes / whatever....
02-05-2008, 02:32 PM
I can understand how you feel with your first child coming. My oldest is 7 months old. Some mothers can be very pushy grandmothers. Does your MIL have her own transportation? If so, why do you have to pick her up for your appointmet? Why does she even need to come to your appointments? The only appointments I invited my MIL to was the sonogram, and she didn't even come to that.
You've got to remember that, while a grandparent is a very VERY important person in a child's life, YOU are the parent. Invite her to what you want her, let her take you shopping even, but kindly remind her that she does not have to hold your hand through this pregnancy or your motherhood!
02-07-2008, 09:52 PM
I had the same problem with my MIL and went to see a counselor to learn how to deal with her. We actually have a geat relationship now. I just had to learn how to put up boundaries.
02-19-2008, 04:23 PM
Oh my goodness. I have a rather interesting MIL myself but your seems a little much to me! Sounds like your MIL is a little needy. I think you shouldn't feel guilty this is your life and your baby you do your own thing. Of course having her involved is nice and you shouldn't take that for granted (not that you are) b/c mine doesn't want to do anything she wants to come over every 6 weeks and stay for an hour and then she's out (and shes retired) so I'm actually jealous in a way. I think she needs to focus on her life and not be so pushy...that being said it's easier said and probably known but what to do about it is another thing. I guess I'd need specifc examples to give you more advice. But do YOUR thing this is YOUR baby & YOUR family! Good luck
07-08-2008, 03:50 AM
It sounds to me your MIL just wants to somehow be included...... actually needed. Give her a couple of things, that only she could take care of or be involved in. Perhaps she just wants to be a part of your baby's life, and make up for things she missed out on herself. Set your boundaries, and do not feel guilty for having them. A Happy Mommy, is a Healthy Mommy. You do not need any extra stress at all. If she wants to pick out registry items, let her add her very own registry, that she can share with her friends (make sure to get gift receipts)..... Dr's Apts are private, that she should understand, but you need to tell her, if she knows how you feel, the pressure and guilt should not be an issue. Make a list of things, she can do to help.... even if it is laundering all your new baby clothes, blankets etc. Maybe you could have her help you do a belly cast..... All I am saying is give her something to do, and something she can look back on and really feel a part of. I can imagine, having a son, and being so excited about him having a child and wanting to be involved...... however, this is usually when, your own mom is included. Think about what will really help you, and let her take the reigns. Better yet, plan for your husband and she spending an afternoon together... picking out baby things, and maybe stocking a male diaper bag....
07-08-2008, 10:13 AM
Is your husband (like mine) an only child?
Please please please do NOT feel guilty about not being able to read your MIL's mind... if you are anything like me, you will feel plenty of un-called-for guilt after the baby comes!!
As has already been stated, this is YOUR family and YOUR baby... also YOUR pregnancy.
If you would like her to go to the doctor with you, invite her. Have her meet you there if that's easier. If you don't want her there, don't invite her. You will most likely have issues, some embarrassing, that you may not want her to hear you discussing with your doctor.
I don't understand her desire to choose items for your registry. If she wants her grandchild to have certain items, she can purchase them herself. You are going to be the baby's primary caregiver, therefore using said items. You can always listen to her recommendations then decide what to include on your registry for yourself.
My experience with my MIL... I was not including her enough, then by asking for advice and help I was asking too much... I think some grandmas and grandpas just need something to complain about, you know???
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