Is spanking wrong?

[Kay at Parenting.com]

Are you a parent that feels "spare the rod, spoil the child"? If so, how do you spank, what do you spank for.

Are you a parent that feels that you should never spank a child? How do you discipline your child? How do you get them to do what you want the to do?

This is the place to debate both sides. Please be respectful of the author and make only comments about the post.

[Jayney]

I do not spank, never have, but that's not to say I am "anti-spanking." I think it is all about the child's temperament and how s/he responds to punishment. My son responds to words, he always has. A stern look will make him melt. He wouldn't understand me spanking him. I teach him that we don't hit people and it would be totally hypocritical of me to hit him. That is something I think ALL parents need to take into consideration. I don't judge those that do spank, all parenting styles are different, but you really should consider that message that spanking sends.

I use time outs with my son, Supernanny style, lol. He gets one warning and then if he continues his bad behavior, he sits in the corner for 2 minutes. Then he gets an explanation as to why he was in trouble and we talk about why he did it and what he can do the next time he feels _________. And then we hug and kiss and make up.
For the more serious behavior (hitting, biting, etc--which is very rare) he immediately goes to his bedroom (or if we are our in public I will take him to a restroom or car, or wherever we can be alone.) I talk to him very sternly and seriously and that usually corrects the behavior immediately.

[supermomwannabe]

I spank my 2 year old every now and then but it's always just one quick pat on the diaper, just enough to make her think "hmm, I don't like that". But usually as soon as tell her I'm going to spank her or when I raise my hand she stops whatever it is she isn't supposed to be doing. I do think that it can get out of hand if the parent doesn't keep their own focus. My dad spanked me when I was little and I think he was excessive. I was required to take my pants off and he did it with his bare hands on my bare butt for what seemed like and eternity up until I was in 4th grade. I'm sure he had a specific number he liked to use. And it was for any and everything he didn't agree with; poor grades, not doing homework, throwing away a sandwich wadded up in a paper towel... I think that's just too much. I spank only when my daughter is doing something absolutely unacceptable, i.e. hitting/kicking another person, spitting inappropriately. I'll spank once and then put her in time-out for 2 minutes. And I think once they're 5 or 6 you just can't spank them any more. They're at that age where they really just don't care what you do if they've done something wrong unless it involves taking away something like a DS or TV time. Ha! That's what I'm dealing with now with my 7yo.

So to answer the question: I don't think it's wrong to spank but it can definitely become excessive and it shouldn't continue after a certain age, 5 or 6 or so.

[Jayney]

I spank only when my daughter is doing something absolutely unacceptable, i.e. hitting/kicking another person

See, this is the part I'm talking about. You cannot spank (hit) your child for hitting. That does not make sense in the least. "You hit, I hit you." That's just mixed messages and confusing to them. It doesn't matter if you barely tap her bottom, you're hitting her because she hit somebody else.

[mommywarrior]

I believe spanking is nothing more than justifying taking anger out on your child. I have never met anyone who hasn't been angry or upset when they spanked their child.

I also think parents like it because they get instant gratification out of it. The child doesn't learn anything except to be afraid of getting hit. A light tap on the diaper as a signal not to do something is ok. But there should be no force or anger behind it. Other than that I think there are less cave man ways to tell a child when they have done something they shouldn't have.

[crystele]

I spanked when there was really no other option. When time out didn't work, when leaving isn't an option, when ignoring isn't an option, sometimes it was the only option.
Now that she is verbal enough to understand punishments I can tell her there will be a consequence and that is enough to generally stop the behavior. For an older child loss of privileges is generally effective, but for a younger one it often isn't.
However spanking, IMO, should be a last resort if everything else has been tried & failed and the behavior must stop.

[Jack O]

I do not spank for the simple reason I got smacked around when I was a kid and I of course hated it.

I try to teach her that she shouldn't hit. I use time out and taking away privileges like watching tv. It seems to work

Jack

[joeysmom0419]

I am against spanking. Like Jack I was smacked around and I also have embedded in my brain the image of my dad chasing after my older sister and I with a belt because we left toys on the floor. I will never scare my son like I was.

My boyfriend have discussed this a lot because we grew up in two different worlds. His parents spanked him when he did something wrong, and my parents would spank me any chance they got even if I didn't do anything wrong. We have come to the agreement that we are going to use time outs, and taking away privileges and for anything serious it straight to his bedroom to think.

[Jack O]

My step a-hole father would smack me around for the slightest things.When I was young 10-12 he could easily over power me and hold me down while he hit with a large paddle made from oak. I only stood up to him after I hit puberty and became strong.

[rdwrainydaywoman]

We have tried spanking but found it just didn’t work for us. My husband hated always having to be the enforcer of it and I could never give a firm enough swat to mean anything (my kids would laugh at me and say, “that didn’t hurt”), so we ditched that idea. We found timeouts are more effective with little ones (under 3) and now we simply make our kids do pushups. When they were just learning how to do pushups we would just make them hold a plank position until they were strong enough to do full pushups. They would cry and whine while holding the plank position at first, but they eventually got stronger and do full pushups with proper form. They learned to curb their behavior and got stronger so I feel they get something positive out of it. For our oldest (12 yrs), we sometimes make her write an essay if she gets in trouble. For example, if she lies we will make her write a 200 word hand written essay on why lying is wrong. She gets to work on her penmanship, use the dictionary, and has to put thought into a response. We have found this very effective as well. I don’t think a firm swat at the moment of improper behavior is wrong, but I think there are better options.

[rdwrainydaywoman]

We have tried spanking but found it just didn’t work for us. My husband hated always having to be the enforcer of it and I could never give a firm enough swat to mean anything (my kids would laugh at me and say, “that didn’t hurt”), so we ditched that idea. We found timeouts are more effective with little ones (under 3) and now we simply make our kids do pushups. When they were just learning how to do pushups we would just make them hold a plank position until they were strong enough to do full pushups. They would cry and whine while holding the plank position at first, but they eventually got stronger and do full pushups with proper form. They learned to curb their behavior and got stronger so I feel they get something positive out of it. For our oldest (12 yrs), we sometimes make her write an essay if she gets in trouble. For example, if she lies we will make her write a 200 word hand written essay on why lying is wrong. She gets to work on her penmanship, use the dictionary, and has to put thought into a response. We have found this very effective as well. I don’t think a firm swat at the moment of improper behavior is wrong, but I think there are better options.

[byronsmom]

as a child i was abused by both my parents, i get physicaly sick, even smacking my niece hand as a child. so no i don't spank, now all i have to do with byron is use a strong firm voice and he will cry like i hit him. as he gets older, there is other ways to disipline besides yelling and hitting.

[LBIFAMILY]

I mainly use time outs and even take toys away (the ones she loves most). But I dont have a problem with spanking as long as you dont leave bruises or any other mark. I only spank when time outs dont work. But thats what works for our daughter. She knows when we have to spank we are serious, we give many warnings before we just spank.

[freckles]

I use spanking as discipline. I tell them after timeouts and etc., that, next time I will give them a spanking. Then, the decision becomes thiers wether to reicieve the consequence or obey.

(*edit)
I dont think its wrong. I give my warning, I mean what I say, and I want my children to obey me. Im not a broken record. I love and respect my children.

[mum2mum]

Or I would rather say 'The Procedure of Disciplining'. Every child is different. And so is every parent. I've seen some parents spank non stop just to vent frustration. Some may lead to child abuse. Which is the extreme end of spanking. On the other hand, some parents spank as a method of disciplining. As ourselves:
1. How often we spank?
2. Is there a need to spank?
3. What do we do before and after spanking?
4. Which body part do we spank?
5. What do we use to spank?
I would think we should adopt some sort of procedure in spanking. We should really only under certain circumstances spank our child. By warning him or her beforehand if the misbehavior continues. Only by using our hands spanking on their palm. Explain to the child and ensure he or she understands the mistakes and never repeat them again.
We should all treat our children with love an respect. Learn more from Happy Child Guide and How to Turn Misbehavior to Great Behavior from http://www.mumsafari.com/for-parents

[GraceLaRonde]

A practical guide to spanking? I have 3 kids and have never felt that a spanking would solve a behavior issue. Though, it would probably have made ME feel better. And powerful. And in charge. I am not a crunchy mom, but it seems to me that if you establish a relationship where the threat of violence -- however clinically you describe it -- is always present... well, it's just not the way I want to interact with my kids.

[MyScrapbookStudio]

I'm not proud to admit, I have spanked my 6yr old about 4 times in her life. Each time left me feeling pretty crappy. For me, a spanking is ONE spank on a bare bottom with my own hand. Beyond one spank, with any object, or hit on the head is out of control and heading toward abuse IMHO. That is MY definition/justification, I guess. Like another poster said, I try all methods beforehand. If they do not work, I let her know she will get a spank next and ask her if that is what she wants to which she replies "no". So far, she snaps out of whatever defiance she's got going on and understands I mean business.

I, too, come from a home that has experienced physical abuse so I know what out of control is. My mom was a stressed out, single mom of 3 kids who lost her crap at times. However, my dad, before the divorce, only spanked whenever was necessary and I could see he hated it as much as we dreaded it. It wasn't out of control - it was the last resort if we weren't behaving.

I know people won't agree or understand how there could be a difference in spanking ever being "in control" but this is how I see it.

~Caren of www.myscrapbookstudio.net

[kelly81]

i would never ever spank my child, i just tell her no .

[bluegrassmom]

I was spanked as a child, but I remember my mom doing it out of anger. I do spank my 2 1/2 year old, but I get down to her level, tell her why I am going to spank her and then after one tap on the bottom, I give her a hug and she says she's sorry for whatever it was that she did. If I'm angry with her and she needs to be disciplined, I take a few minutes to cool down and then she gets her punishment. You kind of have to work with the personality and age of the child...with my daughter, spankings are the only punishment that works right now. My nephew is the same age as my daughter and time-outs work the best for him. If your child responds to a different discipline method, I'd go with that one rather than spanking, but if all else fails, spanking is okay.

[iamacat]

I don't think any punishment (that is, hurting your child on purpose in one way or the other) is appropriate for common daily circumstances where you mostly want to just divert their attention or have them help clean up the mess. That said, if it comes to it, how is weeklong grounding less cruel or more effective than a couple of slaps on the behind?

[MichaelJ80]

I believe that spanking is wrong for any reason! There are many reasons not to spank: Spanking is a negative punishment that actually promotes negative behavior. It causes fear. It only lasts a short time. You cannot know for sure how hard you are hitting them. It lowers self-esteem. These are just a few reasons. I use time-outs, redirection and communication.

[andbabymakes4]

I feel sooo bad I have spanked my 13 month old daughter and yes I was angry!! I admit I have a short fuse and I thought since I was older my anger would have lessen but it hasn't. My 13 month old is a "handful" to say the least! Most times I just let her cry it out when she wants things she cannot have like cell phones, knick knacks or anything not age appropriate for her. She also has had meltdowns at birthday parties, parks and friends homes and at my witts end I give her one good smack on her thigh and then put her in her play pen and let her cry her self to sleep! This behaviour just started when she turn 1 year old. I know its typically toddler behaviour but my own temper gets the better of me sometimes. Most times I DO NOT spank I try to do the positive things and work thru her melt downs and try to prevent them but I think she senses my frustrated and she has ALOT of them. I spend most of my time at home and I turn down outtings with family and friend because I know that my DD will not last to long and will start wanting everything she sees then yelling at me then full blown screaming and eventually a meltdown kicking and grabbing at everything throwing her self back shaking her head side to side and then she will start to climb all over me, her high chair and the table. I cannot just sit her on my lap and she will calm down, she see that as her way down on to the floor she wants to walk, run and be all over the place. She hates her carseat and playpen but I am soooo glad for my playpen its the only piece of baby stuff that has really helped me keep her safe when I have to do housechores or if I have leave her alone for a few minutes. I know she prolly associates the playpen with being "punished" but it's not really it's just a safe place for her.

[ElektraLane]

I think it all depends on the child. I believe in spanking definitly. You have to watch yourself though. I NEVER hit my child if she makes me angry. Anger can turn things in a bad direction quickly. Time outs do NOT work on my daughter (unless it's her Nannie doing it) I spank her and it works. I also though tell her why I spanked her and tell her why she should not have done the action. I don't believe in using anything other than the hand though. My jerk of a stepfather used a belt on me and I have scars still from that.

[ajbrownies]

I think that spanking can be effective but I don't do it personally. I have spanked my daughter twice and both times she ran out into a parking lot after I had repeatedly caught her, brought her back and told her no. Even then I think it may have been a reaction of fear more than anything else but she didn't go back into the road. If she went to grab a hot stove I'd swat her hand and not feel bad about it, I'd rather smack her hand than have to take her to the hospital for a burn. Over other things I don't spank though.